the heart of a love child

I've gotten a little itch lately to just get up and GO! Living in San Angelo, Texas, I am quite sick of there just being movies, coffee and ice cream to entertain the entirety of the young population. I want to bike, canoe, hike, swim in freshwater, climb trees, camp, dance (as in salsa, cha-cha, ballroom, the real stuff), and when the day is over I want to eat at an organic coffee shop that puts humus on sandwiches. I have really gotten so far from my roots that I have found myself thinking mesquite trees are kind of pretty. I know all God's creations are beautiful, but I seriously think only the Devil himself would put giant spikes on trees that cause blood poisoning when they puncture skin.

Okay, so that's getting away from the point. The point is I grew up an entirely different person than what I thought I would. From birth to 10 I ate mainly organic and practically lived outdoors. I was raised a bonified granola child, along with all of my other siblings. My family used to hike like nobody's business; I hiked 6000 feet up Mt. Shasta when I was 9 years old and I've peeked multiple other mountains in CA before the age of 10. I miss the whole wheat apple croissants and having easy access to Blue Sky Cherry Vanilla Cream soda whenever I want. I see pictures of my hippie mother when she was my age wearing bell bottoms and a belt that reads "Save the Children" and my dad always talks about the Summer of Love and smoking joints with Janis Joplin and The Grateful Dead. Where is my defining generation moment!

I think what I miss most about CA is the progressive conservationist attitude. The majority of Texans just don't have the mind set that will sustain the planet. I get so mad when I see one person driving around in a huge suburban or some jackass in a lifted F150 swerving through traffic like it's a road race. HELLO?! India and China are competing heavily for oil now, gas will never be under $2 anymore and it's running out and you're waisting it to look like a fashionable Texan? Screw that.

I'm just trying to keep in touch with that love child I once was, so I think I'm going to focus on that for this summer. My boyfriend thinks I'm an idiot for being that way... I've already strayed too far from who I think I should be which means I don't know myself very well. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted but since my birthday, those rose colored glasses I viewed the world through came off and I'm left feeling like an angsty teenager. Haha, the cycles we go through. I know everyone does this too.


I think very few people really understand how much I miss this stuff.

blessings be

I have had some of the most roller coaster-esque few weeks of my college career lately. The things that are good are absolutely great! The things that are bad are pretty important and bad, but you don't want to hear about that now, do you? Either way I've found myself conversing with God whenever I am alone and He grants me some peace.

By some miracle (and surely one professor's mercy) I actually got a 4.0 this semester. I'm shocked at myself actually. That's two 4.0's this year! How did I do that and maintain sanity?

Dead week was probably the best week of the entire year. Here are some hints: little HW, I got published in the Oasis (I made the front cover!), bargain shopping, Spider-Man 1&2 in Texan theater, Spider-Man 3 midnight premiere, final class with Mrs. Tharp, BSM Banquet and Foot Function, cooking meals for friends. See what I mean by blessings?

Finals week has been more of the downer, though I did get awarded a scholarship from the Communications department and I did well on the the rest of my finals. It also rained for like 4 days straight, which was awesome. The major bummer is check-outs make me want to kill myself and good friends are gone now. But it's time to get serious. School is over and it's time to start a new chapter for this summer.

I'm a senior now and it's time to start making some decisions about what I want the rest of my life to be like. I've been thinking a lot about that, but I'll go into it some other time. I'm just glad summer is here and I'm making plans.

finals and thoughts

Finals are this week and I feel less than prepared. I pretty much KNOW I'm going to get a B this semester and I'm kind of ticked at myself. My hopes of graduating suma cum laude are kind of out the window, but I'm still in it for magna cum laude if I don't screw up next semester and get a B in anything.

I'm having mixed feelings about this summer. Usually I travel in the summers as to not think about the sucky things involving home life, but this summer I'm not going anywhere for any extended period of time. In fact, I'll be working ALL summer. Glorious.

There are a few perks! My Daddy from SF will be here for 2 weeks for my sister's graduation, Ryan and Bryce might be here for that too, Kevin is sticking around, Josh may be here (though he doesn't want to be), and Kev and I might be making a very necessary trip to Lubbock to wish Tyler off to Africa. I'm so jealous of that man, what a trip!

Bah, mixed feelings about everything. Nothing a little frisbee can't cure!

family events

I went to a wedding today. It was at the Cactus Hotel and it was lovely... and painful. It was only painful due to the fact that I was the third wheel (this is getting increasingly more common and more uncomfortable) and I had to listen to the other two wheels make comments on what they want for their wedding. Ugh, it was disgusting and aggravating, but my hostile feelings aren't really their fault. Honestly, my little sister and her boyfriend shouldn't be planning their own wedding yet and I shouldn't be angry or aggravated with them.

I'm not really angry at anyone, actually. I'm just angry, period. I hate feeling marginalized. I should be used to it by now since I am quite the blacksheep of the Deming-Combs family, but it is very weathering.

In other, yet related news:

I'm reading a fantastic book right now. It's called The Time Traveler's Wife and it is magnificent. It totally challenges the idea of the space/time continuum in the most creative way. One of the things I'm looking forward to most about this summer is spending summer nights reading in my new apartment or on a towel by the lake. Though if things go how I want them to, I wont be alone (I fear I'm being selfish in that regard, but what's a desperate girl to do?).

The thing is, I have some striking similarities to Clare, the protagonist. She is constantly grasping for more time with her love, but she has no control over the time or length of their visits together. She just keeps waiting for their life to start, but it is totally out of her hands. Meanwhile, Gomez, a mutual friend of the couple, is desperately in love with Clare is and trying get her to give up on the unpredictable and go for the steady. As of page 265 of 532, Clare is holding out for her Henry but is getting angry and doesn't have anything to blame her anger on. Huh.

Of course, my terrible description of the national best seller and upper 50 amazon ranked novel makes it sound like a sappy Daniel Steele idea instead of a masterpiece of modern fiction. It's a good book, believe me. Ugh, again I feel guilt and selfish but what else am I to do? Seriously! I don't know what to do! Jeez.

can't let go to let God

This semester has been deceptively good, with the exception of my Education 4321 class (horrible prof). I did hate that eight week Comm class, but I got an "A" so I'm OK with that. I think the greatest thing was having no classes on Friday and late classes every other day. I don't know if any college kid has ever muddled through 15 hours with a schedule as great as mine. Blessed am I.

The scary thing is I only have one semester of classes left. One. Then Student Teaching.

Again, it's a pretty fantastic schedule:

MWF
9AM - Eng
10AM - Eng
11AM - Comm
12AM - Edu

Nothing on T/R. Amazing? Very. What I have to prepare for now is my GRE which is the dreaded standardized test that determines Grad School scholarships. I don't know when I'm going to Grad School either. I actually don't have a clue what I'm doing after graduation. It's like I have a set plan that gets me to May 2008, but after that I hit a huge cliff. I can see the other side, but not clearly enough to make out any recognizable thing. I hate that. I'm a planner and I'm not spontaneous. I need to have a plan A, B, and C so I can prepare for what life throws at me. After 5/08 I don't have anything. It's a horrible feeling because I don't feel like I have any control and it goes against my wiring.

My entire life I've had to prepare myslef for serious blows.

"Hey Elizabeth, we're moving to Texas in two weeks. Dad's not coming."
"Ryan's moving out in a month."
"Krista's pregnant."
"This is Steve. We met last month. We're getting married."
"If you want to stay here you have to pay rent."
"Ryan's moving to Texas."
"Ryan's not moving to Texas."
ETCETERA!

I'm a child who has had to cope with a lot so part of my coping wiring is fighting for control of my own life. It's hard for me to let go and let things happen. My flaw is I feel I have to make things happen, but that does not work all the time. Like my future after college... I know where I want to be but it is not in my hands. I can't go on like that forever though. There has got to be a stopping point.

my sister rules

Yeah, my sister can rock sometimes. Go Anne Rose.

a good fight

What you need to know to assess the situation: I am currently a Communications major, English minor seeking Teacher Certification. I have a 4.0 in all English courses challenged and am aspiring to actually teach English at some point. Also, the English dpartment head is the devil incarnate.

The situation:I hit a brick wall today and I'm seething with anger right now. There is a certain class, ENG 4320 The Discipline of English, that I have to have departmental permission to get into if I'm not an English major. The class is mainly English pedagogy that I am very interested in, but the departmnet head won't let me in. She says I'm not a major and don't have the experience to take the class. On the contrary I am taking heavy loads of Englsih and I have a freakin 4.0! Who is she to tell me that I'm not experienced enough! (Well, the department head for starters.)

My fight is arguing why a student with a strong academic background can be refused a certain course he/she is interested in when the course will definately benefit the student in his/her educational career. It's just one class. I'm more than qualified for it (minus the major thing) and I know I would do very well.

The annoying thing is I really see her side of the argument too and it really IS the University's decision. But seriously, must you really deny a student's educational success? No. I'm considering appealing to the Dean. Maybe the Pres.

My ego is really showing through here. I pay enough money to this intitution that I think I should get my way. I like getting my way, dammit.

Leaving Indianapolis (Arriving San Angelo)

Nine days spent in West Lafayette. I consumed more bagels this week than I let myself eat all of last year. It hurts to even think about my trip, much less talk about it.

Leaving people at airport security is one of the worst feelings in the world. After that last good-bye you have to strip down nearly to your skivies and rush through cold metal and scanners. As if I don’t feel cold, exposed, and naked after leaving him anyway. Being stripped of him nearly knocks the wind out of me, but I’m used to the vertigo. I’ve been through this torture so many times before; it is a well-rehearsed part.

So I get through the probing station and fumble with the contents I’ve had to expose to pass the test. When the exhilaration of that is over emotion washes over me and I get that all-too-familiar punch in the stomach: he’s gone and it will be months before you even touch him again.

I hate it and I'm not wiling to hurt like this for very much longer. I can't. Couples aren't meant to be apart this long. We've been apart the whole time and enough is enough.

new love

I think I'm in love. He is 84 and one of America's most famous cynics: Kurt Vonnegut. He is still at it and is as sardonic as ever. The adorable, German-American, Indiana native, chain smoker has, like Einstein and Twain, given up on America in his later years. My mother fell in love with him also at my age. Though, hers was the time of Cats Cradle and mine is the time of A Man Without A Country.

I found the book by chance in the library at ASU, which has a horrible selection of books, by the way. Somehow paying fines on books I used for a project last semester helped me stumble upon the best piece of modern literature I've read in quite some time. This book has changed my perspective on things and brought me one step closer to being a cynic myself.

The book is on my lap as I fly somewhere over the cold Midwest. It is one chapter away from completion because I can't bear the thought of it ending. I want to see more of the world through this misanthrope's eyes. I laugh my way through it, wishing I could do something about the world. It is so sad where things are heading. I knew things would change, that is inevitable, but I never guessed how bad it would really be. The thing is it's only going to get worse and I worry for my immanent grandchildren, but is anybody else worrying? It doesn't seem like it.

People are so preoccupied with the stupidest stuff, myself included. We piddle around living our lives like members of Alcoholic Awareness, day by day. I really think we have our priorities screwed up. But free thinkers aren't welcome in Washington DC and everyone thinks the next president will fix it (Vonnegut). Haha.

You want something to really laugh at? Credit Cards, Cars, College Tuition, and democracy. Hysterical!

The rate things are going I think my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will see the unfolding of the clouds and the sound of the trumpets. I hope so, because when the oil runs out I'll not want them to see what the people are going to do to themselves and each other.

I loved that book. You should look into it.

put us back together right

this will blow over in time
this will all blow over in time

still things could be much worse

shout out to hypocrisy

Sometimes I find myself saying things in a manner that others take me too seriously on when I only meant it to be a joke. Then I wonder "Why are they mad? I wasn't serious."

Then it hits me. Hard. This is what happens to Josh all the time. I used to always get mad at him for saying things sarcastically but he meant no harm in saying. There are a million misinterpretations and misunderstandings on my part that have sparked big battles between us. I can think of about 5 examples (ok, more than 5) right off the bat. One example is this. Would I get mad if he said that about me? Probably a year or two ago. Not anymore, I think I've grown.

But that makes me think more. I can also think of at least 5 (ok, more than 5) times when I was really, really hurt by some of his actions. Like "Why the hell are you doing that to me" type stuff. Most offenses happened during that last month of high school for me and others sparatically throughout the years and I realize I am not over that stuff. I have scars and I'm bitter. So stubborn me doesn't want to let all the mean, sarcastic things slide. Stubborn me wants answers. Is that why something like that could have happened? Maybe. Probably. I don't know.

If we weren't dating I probably would laugh at most of the things he says like I did back then. Since we are dating (kind of) I find myself getting offended. Is that some kind of after affect of getting committed to someone? Is it really fair to expect them all of this sudden to change their personality for you? Answer: Nope. But we do expect that. I just want a compromise. I don't think I would get as offended if there was something behind it to affirm me. Such as, "here is something mean but I love you anyway." Instead it is just "here is something mean..." It is rather cold, empty and completely devoid of some amount of compassion. Is it fair to ask for compassion? Answer: you shouldn't have to ask.

What I do know is that I hate myself for letting my actions fall into the stereotypical female behavior patterns. Getting mad at meaningless remarks and starting ridiculous fights is what I've been doing. Can I escape that? Probably not, but at least I'm aware I do it. Maybe I can spot it easier now.

exam days < papercuts and lemon juice

My person is hilarious. Seriously, you should be so jealous of me.

Marching On

So, what's happening in my life? A million things.

I've been "on duty" all weekend, which is a bummer but also a necessity of my job. I find out if I got that promotion later this week. I hope I do just because it would be one of the greatest things that ever happened to me and would really help me be set for the future. I'd actually be able to save some money instead of living paycheck to paycheck which is really difficult.

Want to know what would be really great about it? I'd get a free apartment, complete with utilities paid and a kitchen! I'll be able to indulge my love of cooking and could actually host mini-dinner parties. It's pathetic that I sound so much like a domestic, but really I'm not. I just want to be able to cook for myself instead of living out of my microwave, which I have actually been pretty innovative with.

Eventually I will live in an apartment that will be the hippiest thing ever surely to make my 60's loving mother very proud. Now she's the one who has turned domestic. Married life turned her into someone who cares what other people think about the way she dresses and thinks and conformed her enough to wear bras. Growing up in a small town in California I don't think I wore clothes until I was almost 6 and I don't ever remember my mother wearing a bra Oh, the hilarity.

Oh well. I'll just have to be happy with my hippie dorm room and try to build my collection of Indian tapestries and African masks, complete with Japanese dinnerware and English tea sets. Maybe I'm not so much hippie as I am worldly.

Minus my heart affairs, I am happy with my life and slightly more confident with myself than I was last year at this time. I guess that's all you can hope for. Minor improvements.

These are a few...

And last but not least, the one I really REALLY want...

My 33

1. Write Nonnie once a month
2. Read at least 1 book per month
3. Drink 2 gallons of water a week
4. Write Thank You notes for all gifts
5. Send 2 pictures to Dad a month
6. Go to Church every Sunday when in town
7. Keep in touch with Matt, Pablo, Mehmet, and Nathan
8. Keep room very clean
9. Don't leave dirty dishes over night!
10. Eat out only once a week (and even that's pushing it)
11. Be more decisive about actions
12. Go dancing as much as possible
13. Learn to Pretzel, Salsa, and Merengue (the basics)
14. Be nicer to Anne Rose
15. Go home to see Mom and my cats more often
16. Keep in touch with siblings and nephew
17. Don't drink very much beer (and only Peroni at that)
18. Travel to Austin at least twice
19. Be brave enough to fix unhappyness
20. Learn to juggle
21. Get 7 hours of sleep a night
22. Spread the love
23. Embrace the future and consider all options
24. Discover and love a new band
25. Stop being the "yes" girl, it is ok to say "no" to people
26. Absolutely NO getting drunk
27. Establsih a film society
28. Get a 4.0 this Spring
29. Don't miss class--without very good reason
30. Play Tennis more often
31. Run 3x a week, weights 2x a week
32. Be as good a friend to Ashlin as she is to you
33. Do what makes you HAPPY and JOYFUL, get rid of what doesn't

A-doo-run-run-run, A-doo-run-run

Last year I made a list of 100 some-odd things to accomplish in the year 2006. In retrospect, I actually did a pretty good job of accomplishing those goals. I think I managed about 75% of them. I believe 100 was a little overkill, so this year I'm going to do 33. Thirty-three is pretty significant because it is the most balanced number in numerology and is also noted as being the most complete number. Jesus didn't begin his teachings until he was 33 either, so that's my number for 2007.

My one unoriginal plan is basically inspired my my sister's accomplishments and my boyfriend's goal of RUNNING. I'm kind of scared of it though because I hear so many horror stories about how people injure themselves and regret it later in life. Yet, also there are the people who have run all there life and are in great shape until a very old age. What's true about those people is they are also pretty small in stature. I am not. I'm tall, big boned, busty and curvy. Is running really going to be the best thing for my bones? One thing I know is that I'm going to have to start taking a calcium pill because I don't eat much dairy - no milk! - and I'm a woman so I need to worry about those things. All in all, I'm going to try it. I bought myself a Nike+ and an iPod and I'm going to get my money's worth. I do not want to delve into the extreme like Josh; there is no way I can run 100 miles by October while working full time and taking a large class load. I do have to work out some kind of plan for myself though... I'll post it when I figure it out. So here goes something - I'm going to be a runner.

Self Loathing

There are a few things I really hate about myself. They are guilty pleasures, bad habbits, and things I wish I could stop doing. Here goes:

1. I always say "Yes" even if I do not really want to do something

2. I actually enjoy some Lifetime movies. They can be addicting and delightfully cheesy.

3. I am very impulsive and almost too passionate about things

4. I harbor too many feelings and sometimes they burst out and rage like a hurricane. Then I physically feel the destruction.

5. I try to please people too much.

6. I let people close to me walk all over me and I don't stand up for muself because I'm scared of hurting feelings.

7. I make way too many lists. They're all over my room.

Off The Ball

I can't believe this. I missed a post in December. I'm really screwing up my archives here!

I returned yesterday morning from San Marcos, Texas where I had spent the weekend with my sister. She's adjusting to civilian life after fulfilling a 6 year service in the Air Force and is now getting her education at the most beautiful school in Texas. Texas State is really gorgeous and I'd go there if my scholarship would've permitted it.

She called me about two days after she moved there asking me to come down to help her set up. I can understand her position perfectly. Getting assimilated into a not-so-structured society again, living in a new town and having no friends. Yeah, that pretty much sucks. So, what are sisters for? Together we set up her washer and dryer (changing the prong plugs is a pain in the ass), recycled a million cardboard boxes, made friends at the local coffee shop, made friends with the waiters at INO'Z in Wimberly, and danced on the tables at Nephew's. By the way, the table dancing was ladies choice and I chose to dance with my sister and about 10 other girls on a table. Honestly, it's the most fun I've had with Krista ever. Sometimes desperate times pull out the best in relationships. Though, it worked out on the contrary with my other sister in San Francisco this Christmas. I don't know if I'll ever be able to travel with Anne Rose again. I try to block that vacation out of my memory.

I came back to San Angelo with a new love for Amaretto Sours and an even more renewed love of not being single. Thank God I have Josh and we met the way we did. I couldn't stand the stereotypical "We met at a bar" declaration. Though, we have the "We met at a coffee shop" thing, which is slightly less stereotypical but much more mild.

I'm really proud of Krista. She's been through some of the worst things in life so I think she only has good things to come. I hope she doesn't meet anyone significant in a bar.

Twenty-one

I turned 21 on Monday the 13th. The magic age in America. You actually get to purchase alcohol and no longer run the risk of getting an MIP and botching your entire teaching career. To me it only means my car insurance is going down and I can have a glass of wine with dinner. Alcohol is not worth all the hype and is definitely not worth the cost. Honestly, I really do not care that I'm finally 21. I don't think I like the fact that I don't care, but I'm sure Josh likes it that way.

Whoopdi Doo.

Flashback Weekend

Sitting in an ASU van on my way home from Dallas, I can't help but feel like ASU wasted a lot of money letting all of us go on this trip. It was a Resident Assistant Conference hosted at UT Dallas and it was like reliving my junior high StuCo days. We stayed at the Radisson, but it wasn't even a nice one as far as Radissons go.

At least everyone else in our group had the same sense of humor I did, and the same idea about the conference. We got stuck in traffic for a little while on I-20 so we all started thinking "Man, if we're stuck like this we're not going to make it there for role call..." This ideas looked better and better as we thought about it more, so our advisor (who happens to be the Assistant Director of Residence Life) said we wouldn't go to the role call and we'll just go to dinner after we check into the hotel. Thank God for that because if we had gone to the campus that night, it would've made my experience that much worse.

To sum up the entire conference, it was just a Mecca for over-enthusiastic, overly-friendly, annoyingly perky, excessively peppy people. It was like being surrounded by clones of that person in high school who was so excited about everything, involved in everything, and made it a mission to know everybody! You never wanted to hate that person, but you eventually did because you couldn't take it. It wasn't like there were only a few schools like that either, it was everyone! I really don't know how those people function as RA's, I mean, how do their residents not want to kill them? I honestly don't know what they are going to do when they get out of college. Can they really get assimilated into the "real world?" How are they going to function in society when they can't scream "Texas State rocks! GO CATS!" for anything.

Yo give some school some credit, UNT was not-annoyingly enthusiastic and UT Pan American RAs were pretty cool. I think the highlight of the weekend was the final banquet. We walked in together and found an empty table, which happened to be surrounded by the 70 UNT RA's that were there. Most of the other schools walked in either chanting or singing their fight song. UNT started singing their school song, followed by calling other schools out to do the "Shake your booty" song. Thank goodness we were among them because we got skipped the first time around. Travis kept saying we should go before they got back around to us, but we really couldn't just leave. I was confident that they would just forget about us and leave us alone because we were so small, but no, we did get it. The three boys who ate lech with us screamed "Hey San Angelo!" and 70 green wearing UNTers turned our way and made us do the "Shake your booty" song. It wasn't so bad, but still just wanted to leave. Travis happened to be in the bathroom at the time we were called out, so we informed some UNTers to call him out on his own at the end. After the ceremony was over, they did just that and it was awesome. We got it on a video phone, so we have it documented for blackmailing.

So after the banquet, Angelo State University retreated back to the hotel to watch football, Blazing Saddles, and took quiz es to see what super hero we were (I'm 89% Supergirl and 85% Super Man, with 79% Green Lantern, by the way.) It was nice just hanging out in the hotel room together. The door between the men's and women's room was open most of the time, with the exception of when we were changing or taking showers. The thing is, ASU RA's can still be cohesive group without being annoyingly enthusiastic about it. Stuart prides himself on hiring RA's than can function normally in society post higher education. I like my job and I like most of the people I work with. I can even sit in a van for 10 hours an not be annoyed with any of them. That's pretty darn good!

I am very glad this weekend is over now. On to another stressful week of school. Oh yeah, I turn 21 next week. Hmm... more about my feelings on that later. Or maybe not.

Candy Corn and Peanuts

Happy Halloween!

For some reason this year I'm really excited about today. I have no earthly idea why, I just really enjoyed the Halloween season this year. Probably because last year I was stuck with Jordan Milam in Dallas for the entire holiday weekend thus missing every get-together there was. I'm making up for two years of Halloween today.

I enjoyed Juston's party for the short time I was there. Some of the guys actually made pretty good looking women, it was crazy. I still don't know who was taking pictures with me, all I know is they would say "Flapper, get in the picture!" They all had masks on and didn't say my name, so I'm assuming I don't know them. It was strange seeing the diverse group of people that were friends with Juston now when just two years ago it was our friend of groups that went to all the parties together. I've got awesome pictures of us at V-Man's getting a little razzed before The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and even more of us rocking out in the Lighthouse parking lot.

Things are just different now. That's all there is to say. That and I really, really enjoy Halloween.

A Change of Weather

A great apathy has taken over me. I have no desire to do anyhitng at all today. How odd to have this day just after my abitious description of yesterday. Oh dear...

Cheifs and Indians

After my previous post I realized that I feel like I'm always a step behind people. I push and push myself mainly because I think I'm trying to play catch-up. I doubt I can get my addicive work ethic to change. I'll always be the one volunteering to do something, thinking that I'm not pulling my weight, but then taking too much on and stressing myself out completely. A prime example of this is my work as an RA. I took on being chairperson of this committee that was responsible for a huge department function and I stressed for two weeks about it. Yeah, I got it done and it went smoothly, but I worry about the impact it had on my life in other areas. I hardly see my friends anymore because of my classes, but adding this there was no time for even a casual "hello." When it was over I suppose the end justified the means because I got complements from the directors and the other RA's saw that I'm reliable. Plus, the feeling when you accomplish something you have worked very hard on is pretty nice. Though, I've got to draw the line somewhere. I have to be the person who sits back as is told what to do. Ugh, that is difficult for me. It is not in my genetic make-up to sit back and cruise. I know that being a good leader is knowing when to lead and when to follow, but that is SO hard to do when really the leader is incompetent. How "Stuwey" of me. I suppose I'll work on it.

Knots and Bells

I guess I've hit that time in life where I get to see people actually starting their lives. My older friends are graduating from college and starting their careers and my same age friends are getting engaged, married, and even having kids. At the Baptist Student Ministry, there are about 4 girls in my class (as in Class of 2008) who aren't engaged, myself included. It's pretty odd to observe. It seems like every Sunday there's a new couple being anounced by Lakan and they're all people I know pretty well. They aren't the older ones anymore, they're my people. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm by no means jealous of these people. My time will come eventually and I'll be pleased when it does, but it is odd seeing all the people around me starting something so huge.

An Explanation of 20

1. SXSW for the 3rd time - Austin, TX 2006. I had a terrible time.
2. write a letter to our Congressman or Representative - I've written two: one about net neutrality (FOR IT!) and one requesting information about the P.A.T.R.I.O.T Act (Bullshit!)
3. buy a really cool pair of shoes - Sexy and black.
4. watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy - Yeppers.
9. floss - I've been doing really good on this one.
10. repair bike and save gas - One of the most recent accomplishments. I even rode it 6 miles from my house to the dorms and have been riding it to class. I'm now one of THOSE people.
11. clean my car inside and out - Considering I got a new car, big checkmark.
19. buy antique jewelery - Chicken Farm
20. play a lot of animal crossing
24. complete all essays for Ellery's class on time
26. play tennis again - I'm even enrllolled in a Tennis class now!
29. catch a bouquet at a wedding - My single most suprising accomplishment. I caught it at my best friend's wedding... doesn't mean I'm getting married anytime soon though.
31. go to church, but think for myself
35. keep practicing my flute - Playing in church programs too.
36. practice my ballet - I've incorporated a lot of this in the flag routines I've made up for the high school.
37. don't over-involve myself - I'm only in 2 organizations now, and I'm not president of either one! Suprising.
38. make some great coffee - finally!
39. don't get drunk, just razzed - I haven't been drunk since sometime last fall.
40. don't talk with mouth full - Maybe I have done this...
43. be nice to spoiled rotten sister - This is SO difficult, but I've held out for the most part.

I'll analyze the rest as they come. This is more for my own benefit than for you to read, so I apologize for boring you.

Making My Meager Differences

Living in the middle of West Texas, it is sometimes difficult to be as eco-friendly as I want to be. I guess I'll have to be happy winning small battles and hope someone will follow my petty example. For istance, the past few weeks when I've gone shopping at HEB (not Wal Mart*), I've gotten a lot of strange looks because I bring my huge Budda Bag to carry my groceries out instead of a myriad of wasteful plastic bags. I don't care about the looks and so what if I save 5 bags, in 10 trips to the store I'll have saved 50 bags!

*I went the majority of last year without one purchase at Wal Mart, but I fell into that deceptive "save 5 cents" trap when I was mvoing myself back into the dorms. It's really all a bunch of bull sh*t because every company has its major flaws. I guess I'm more disgusted with Wal Mart than any other corporation, so the Elizabeth Wal Mart ban is back in business.

When it comes to gas I'm kind of in a bind:

"Between its public denial of global warming and steadfast efforts to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling, Exxon made itself the target of concerned citizens internationally as campaigns to change the company's behavior gained steam. Exxon boasts a commitment to preserving biodiversity while simultaneously fighting policies designed to cut greenhouse-gas emissions."

"BP has a legacy of questionable ethics, toxic emissions and disregard for ecologically sensitive areas when it comes to oil and gas exploration. Most recently, BP is head of a coalition of oil and gas companies building the Baku-Tblisi-Ceyhan pipeline across Azerbaijan, Georgia and Turkey. The project has resulted in the widespread dislocation of residents without proper, and in some cases any, compensation."

"Chevron, formerly ChevronTexaco, has been directly and indirectly responsible for human rights violations in the Niger Delta, plus toxic dumping in several US states and in the Amazon rainforest. From 1972 to 1990 in Ecuador alone, Texaco Corp. was responsible for dumping 18.5 billion gallons of contaminated wastewater into rivers and open pits in the Amazon jungle, causing skin problems, miscarriages, and other ailments in local communities."

"Shell's most high-profile misdeed was its encouragement to use lethal force against environmental activists in Nigeria's Ogoni region. Ken Saro-Wiwa and eight other Ogoni leaders fighting to oust Shell from Ogoniland were detained by the Nigerian government and executed. Families of the deceased are still seeking justice. Aside fom the obvious environmental risks posed by fossil fuels, Shell continues to engage in the environmentally destructive practices of gas flaring, which exposes Nigerians to dangerous levels of air toxins. Shell has made a $1 billion investment in renewable energy resources and recently announced plans to sequester carbon at a gas-fired power plant in Norway. However, Shell's record should concern consumers and investors alike."

"Amerada Hess is working with BP to build the Baku-Tblisi-Ceyhan oil pipeline through eastern and central Europe. This pipeline passes through or nearby seven conflict areas, necessitating a militarized zone that will span 1,000 miles. In the past, Amerada Hess has colluded with other oil companies to hide information about the dangers of MTBE contaminating municipal water supplies."

"Sunoco was one of several companies implicated for using MTBE, a potential carcinogen, for making gas burn cleaner. The chemical eventually contaminated some water supplies. Sunoco is a supporter of the Global Sullivan Principles for economic, social and political justice and has committed to compliance with the Sustainability Reporting Guidelines. While these initiatives are certainly in the right direction, Sunoco's very nature as an oil and gas company makes it a climate change liability."

Sources: Coop America

Checkmarks

At the beginning of the year I made a list of 100 things to accomplish in 2006. My progress has been better than I thought. Some things I accomplished this year so far I forgot were on the list! Here is my progress in the 3/4 of a year mark.

I'll have to analyze and explain these later.

1. SXSW for the 3rd time
2. write a letter to our Congressman or Representative
3. buy a really cool pair of shoes
4. watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy
9. floss
10. repair bike and save gas
11. clean my car inside and out
19. buy antique jewelery
20. play a lot of animal crossing
24. complete all essays for Ellery's class on time
26. play tennis again
29. catch a bouquet at a wedding
31. go to church, but think for myself
35. keep practicing my flute
36. practice my ballet
37. don't over-involve myself
38. make some great coffee
39. don't get drunk, just razzed
40. don't talk with mouth full
43. be nice to spoiled rotten sister
44. make up kick ass flag routines for Grape Creek HS
47. bake cakes and cookies for friends
49. buy a new Victoria's Secret bra
50. go to an art show51. go to the symphony
52. live with Josh for the summer
53. be grateful to my dad
54. thank God for life every day
55. plant some trees, kill some misquites
64. be in my best friends' wedding
65. be happy for said friend getting married
66. pop someones Amelie cherry
68. visit sister in San Antonio
69. don't have sex
71. discover and love a new band all on my own
72. stand up strait
76. be supportive of Matty
77. buy a cool new poster
78. don't eat out very much (or at least don't PAY for it)
80. be more positive about school
81. figure out what job i can see myself doing the rest of my life
82. be there for someone
84. watch all of the olympics i can
85. keep dorm room clean
89. dig deeper into my italian heritage
90. read a graphic novel
91. eat my fruits and veggies
93. go to the library, it's there for a reason
94. order something besides a cinnamon latte at starbucks

I think I've done a pretty good job. Yay me!

Life after...

While walking to class the other day I caught myself doing Thinh's favotite activity: reminicing. Not really thinking about fun things I used to do with my friends, but more of how I felt a few years ago.

While I was in the middle of my senior year in high school I hit this point where I felt pretty unsure about things. With the mxture of my parents incessant pecking and my lack of confidence in the future, I slipped into a rather depressive state. A lot of this was in sync with the sudden death of one of our fellow classmates. I remember sitting in the ASU computer lab thinking to myself "If I were to die, would it really matter to people?" My mother would say I was lazy, selfish, and self centered who never saw the opportunity in Sitel. Honestly, I think I was a little cold in high school, or rather my senior year. I was so fed up with the high school scene that all I did was go to class, do my work, and take off. I would say I was pretty bitchy andI hate to admit that.

Boy, things have changed a lot. Moving into the dorms is one of the best things to ever happen to me. It changed my life completely. The interaction I have with so meany people I've really learned to cherish. My job is to make friends with th people on my floor and be there for them if they ever need anything. My compassion really revealed itself in this vocation. I'm always afraid I'm going to give bad advice or not get as involved as I should or something. I would never have seen myself in this position 3 years ago. Of course, I always wanted to be an RA but due to technicalities I never thought it possible. God opened every window, door, and gate to get me where I am today so I hardly faced a fork in the road.

So now I'm here hoping I doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing by Him and making a million mistakes in the process. It feels right for now. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life (sans Summer 2003) and I have a confidence that keeps me truckin'. Essentially, I don't think people will look at me now and think "bitchy" and maybe my mom won't see "selfish" anymore. IF I were to die I now I feel I would be remebered well. A 20 year old probably shouldn't have such morbid thoughts but the Lord will take me when He wishes. So I think more importantly my job for now is to be really appreciative of everything that has happened to me give credit where credit is due. My job is not to rush through life being bitchy. How deep.

Something Called School Started

First day of class for the Fall 2006 semester. It's rainy, cold, dark, and absolutely perfect. This is exactly the weather I'd love to wake up to almost every morning. I still hope Josh will get a job somwhere on the northwest coast, Seattle or Portland, so it will be like this all the time.

Argument and Debate is going to be time consuming, but beneficial because it will teach me how to argue. I need all the help I can get in that department. Critical thinking and logic is something I need to sharpen up on. Most of the students in that class are Comm majors and I am familiar with them. Comm people I can deal with, they're more on the side I would consider "normal" socially.

As for my English classes, not so normal. Literary Analysis shouldn't be too difficult, but the class is full of English majors whom I consider quite strange and almost annoying. In high school, all my English classes were full of "unique" people, but no one too strange. It seems at the college level they are just plain wacky. Most who I come in contact with severely lack social skills and don't make up for it in any other area. As you get into higher level English classes, they get a little confidence and turn into pretentious socially inept stiffs. A prime example is my Film Analysis class. I can pick out the pretentious ones, the ones who don't know a wide angle from a triangle, and the silent but deadly on paper ones. Lorne and I fall into the latter category. Ugh, English majors are almost as bad as Comp Sci majors. I don't like the people in there yet... but it's only the first day.

July, July, July

It Never Seemed So Strange


For some reason this year has been a year of forgetting to post. Unfortunately, I skipped February and now July. I've had this thing for a little over 3 years and it has evolved immensly. style has changed in my posts but I still refuse to get a new blog. I'll just continue to revamp and recreate it. When I'm 40 I'll laugh at my all the ridiculous things I said about Josh when we first started dating. I laugh now at all that mushy gushy crap. Ew.

Home is... where?

I've been in West Lafayette, Indiana for three weeks with Josh. Today I go home, though San Angelo doesn't really feel like home. This is probably supported by the fact that I don't really have a house there. Since I moved into the dorms, I no longer had a permanent address according to my mother. All my things are scattered around San Angelo in boxes at various friend's houses and I won't get it all together until I move back in the dorms for the 06-07 school year. It's really strange to go back to my old room and see my mother's and sister's things all over the place. It doesn't help things when my mother and sister continuously correct me when I accidentaly say "my" room. My mistake, I'm just sleeping there living out of a suitcase until I move back into the dorms. I guess you can understand why I'm going to be traveling away from there for most of the summer. I'm an RA, my job is to make a home away from home for my residents though ironically the dorms are my home.

If home is where the heart is, then where ever Josh may be is where I am home. Living with Josh is easy. Being with someone you love for most of the hours of the day is wonderful, and being with someone who can keep you entertained is even better.

Since I am a daddy's girl, being with my Dad is going to be pretty great too. Growing up very close to your father until you are 10, then not seeing the guy for years hurts pretty bad. Seeing him now that I'm older makes me long for those missing years, but I also know it was for the beat and mainly no one's fault but his. Nevertheless, I feel I am at home with my father so being in CA for a month can only do me good.

I'll make myself a home someday with the help of another and I'll be happy (not that I'm not right now, I just feel displaced). For now, home is with the people I care about and in D100's where I will not only make it a home away from home for the residents, but a home for myself.

The Not So Cryptic Version of Me

I am now enjoying some time off in West Lafayette, Indiana with a guy I'm crazy about. Josh is someone I can sit in silence with and never feel uncomfortable about it. Love is simply feeling content in the mere presence of a person and we are at that point. I feel wonderful up here. Not only that I'm with Josh, but that I'm away from San Angelo because I hate the heat, wind, and severe lack of interesting things to do. At least here in West Lafayette I've got a library, school, bookstore, 10 coffee shops, and cafes all within walking distance of me. Glorious.

This is my first summer not at Camp Sol Mayer and it feels kind of wierd. I miss my sister and all my friends, but I think there's a time when you grow out of camp life. Plus, this was a time when Josh and I really needed to spend some time together where we weren't bothered by anybody, mainly family (his and mine). Not that we were always bothered, but private time is something Josh and I rarely ever have.

San Angelo, I don't miss you. By the end of the summer when I am back from San Francisco, I will loathe you even more.

"So book her tickets,
And please her parents.
She is lovely,
And he is really smart."

Life was Leisure, Rainer Maria

I'm always falling in love with certain lyrics of songs that apply so perfectly to my life right now. I think that's the beauty of songs (that's not very deep.) Anyway, I recently aquired an album that absolutely rocks entited "Catastrophe" being the newest from Rainer Maria. The song "Life was Leisure" sings my anthem right now. It is an odd and simple four lines, but I love them.


My best friend got married. Wow. There's something about weddings that make my adrenaline rush. The flowers, the rings, the dresses, the tuxedos... Granted, Matt and Danielle's was a HUGE southern debutante wedding, but it was still a great experience. I'm not sure if I believe there is one person for everyone, a soulmate if you will, but I know that Matt and Danielle are perfect for eachother. They just fit perfect together and where he lacks in verbosity, she makes up in conversasion. Those balances are apparent all over they're relationship and it is neat to see. Weddings bring out my dreaming inner child because I've been planning my wedding since I was 6. Yet, it also brings out my "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride" complex. But then again, I'm only 20 and it's ridiculous to think about that right now. (The fear, not the dream.)

"I leave the party at 3am, alone thank God." Neko Case

I was forced on an unexpected trip 200 miles across Texas and it blew my mind.

Why does summer always have to be synonymous with confusion for me? It's like free time hits and I finally have a chance to think about personal life stuff that has accumulated in my mind over the school year. Yet, thinking implies really assessing the situation and figuring out what it is I really want. Well, not figuring it out (I know EXACTLY what I want) but knowing if it is really possible or am I just dreaming it up?

I found some appropriate, already released lyrics!

"Woke up this morning to nothing I recognized
Everything changed and I never saw it coming
Now there are 5 billion disappointed souls
scrapping around in my disappointed mind"
Jupiter Sunrise, September Girl

I can't sleep. I have so much to say but no time to say it. My mind is racing 100 miles a minute.

What comes to mind is Jupiter Sunrise's new song "Why'd I wait so long?" I wish they'd hurry and release their new stuff because it's awesome and that song would be really great to listen to right now. I'm depending on music to speak for me here, but the song isn't released yet. They only playesd it live for the first time last night at the concert (which rocked, by the way). Still, even if I had the lyrics it would be quite helpful. Bah!

My goodness, why does life suck so bad right now?

The fact is, I've come to the realization that a lot of things need to change. After Finals next week, I have no choice but to start being happy with my life. I've hit the point where I realize that people don't change and never will, so you have either be willing to adapt or not. I feel I've been bending too far though. You can only bend so far until you break. Over the years I've been bending and losing little pieces of me to where I'm not even Elizabeth anymore. It's horrible when even your friends call you out on it and you know they're right.

The two people who care for me the most have really been teaching em some things lately.

There have been a lot of future plans that I have changed within the past few weeks. I had a plan, but it depended on something I thought might happen but doesn't look so promising anymore. Man, I liked that plan... it was beautiful.

Oh well. So now I'm just looking for a way out. One road straight out of San Angelo. I'm going to apply for every internship or job I can find that corresponds with my department. I'll take anything: magazine, newspaper, televison, radio... anything! My ambition has been hybernating the past 2 years and it's about to break out into ludicrous speed. I've got a Band scholarship interview/try out coming up this week and I'm gonna get it because I'm miss positive attitude!

I've pretty much figured I'm no longer a part of anyone elses future so it's only me on my own. God, please help me to see what you've got planned for me!

For some reason my life has come completely full cirlce and I feel this same way again, just 2 years later. Amazing how history repeats itself.

What happens when you hit the point where you really don't want to try to fix things anymore? Where do you go from the point when you realize things don't change, nor should they.

Last week I had a lot of triumphs and a couple low blows.

Triumphs. I won a scholarship from the Communication department at ASU and my sister, Krista,won a scholarship from her work. I got to travel out of town with Brandon and we hiked around Christoval for a few hours, which is something I've wanted to do for a long time.

Lo Blows. My step-grandmother passed away in her sleep on Easter Morning. My brother called Thursday informing us that he was getting a divorce. "She said she doesn't love me anymore and we were so different to begin with." That explanation terrifies me. I don't understand how one can "fall out" of love with someone, but the irreconsilable differences I do understand. What I am most worried about is losing my Nephew, Bryce. If she takes him to Canada, who knows when my sisters and I will get to see him.

Divorce is horrible. There was a post on postsecret that said "I knew when I married him, we would get divorced. And we did." For goodness sakes, if you have such severe reservations, DON'T TIE THE KNOT! Yet, what about the people with small reservations? The ones who want to get married, but don't really know if they'll be happy for the rest of their life with that person. I need to have a personal search and see what marriage really means to me because I'm beginning to believe marriage is just an expensive public show of short-lived dedication and God has nothing to do with it anymore. Coming to this realization is really strange for me because I've wanted to get married since I was 5 and I've desired a nuclear family since my parents split up... and I still don't believe sex before marriage is a good idea. Do I contradict myself? Maybe, but so be it. I'm pissed off at the marriage institution right now.

Here is an update on my year 1/4 over:

so far so good - done - not yet - FAILED
______________________________
1. SXSW for the 3rd time
2. write a letter to our Congressman or Representative
3. buy a really cool pair of shoes
4. watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy
5. give 10% of all earnings away to church or charity
6. file taxes by end of January
7. complete FAFSA by end of January
8. take vitamins and algae everyday
9. floss
10. repair bike and save gas
11. clean my car inside and out
12. lose 15 pounds by May
13. drink 3 gallons of water a week
14. spend only $10 on extra food every week (while in school)
15. only watch matinees, but watch at least 3 a month
16. read and complete a book a month
17. learn to play the piano well
18. write 2 letters a month to my Nonnie
19. buy antique jewelery
20. play a lot of animal crossing
21. get first in mario kart worldwide match
22. eat 0 deep fried foods
23. drink strawberry milk and eat a diego's burrito
24. complete all essays for Ellery's class on time
25. get a 4.0 this semester
26. play tennis again
27. say "I love you" to Josh everyday
28. keep up with friends' birthdays
29. catch a bouquet at a wedding
30. don't lie or stretch the truth
31. go to church, but think for myself
32. take a roadtrip to see Pablo
33. explore Christoval
34. skinny dip somewhere in San Angelo
35. keep practicing my flute
36. practice my ballet
37. don't over-involve myself
38. make some great coffee
39. don't get drunk, just razzed
40. don't talk with mouth full
41. eat at the Cactus Cafe' with someone cool
42. have a "photo-date" with someone
43. be nice to spoiled rotten sister
44. make up kick ass flag routines for Grape Creek HS
45. get a manicure and pedicure
46. get 7 hours of sleep every night
47. bake cakes and cookies for friends
48. stop disappearing from friends
49. buy a new Victoria's Secret bra
50. go to an art show
51. go to the symphony
52. live with Josh for the summer
53. be grateful to my dad
54. thank God for life every day
55. plant some trees, kill some misquites
56. go caroling at a nursing home
57. learn how to juggle

58. never sleep past 11 on weekends
59. get better at frisbee
60. drink coffee with Thinh at IHOP
61. eat the healthy breakfast thing at IHOP with Ashlin
62. email Darby
63. attend The Way at Glenn Junior High
64. be in my best friends' wedding
65. be happy for said friend getting married
66. pop someones Amelie cherry
67. be an encouragement to the girls on my floor ( I hope?)
68. visit sister in San Antonio
69. don't have sex
70. look like Jackie O
71. discover and love a new band all on my own
72. stand up strait
73. dance with Juston
74. be supportive of Amber (even if she doesn't know it)
75. play with animals in an animal shelter
76. be supportive of Matty
77. buy a cool new poster
78. don't eat out very much (or at least don't PAY for it)

79. take a roadtrip with Ashlin

80. be more positive about school

81. figure out what job i can see myself doing the rest of my life
82. be there for someone
83. visit my 1/2 canadian nephew
84. watch all of the olympics i can
85. keep dorm room clean
86. go camping somewhere
87. have a lost in translation, life aquatic, broken flowers marathon
88. have a sofia coppola marathon
89. dig deeper into my italian heritage
90. read a graphic novel
91. eat my fruits and veggies
92. meet and elope Zach Braff (crossing fingers!)
93. go to the library, it's there for a reason
94. order something besides a cinnamon latte at starbucks
95. go to Austin more often

There are some things that I have strong convictions for avoiding and others that I am a little more lenient about. I guess this can all be separated into foods, apparel, and toiletries.

FOODS

For one, I am avoiding beef like the plague these days. Since last July, I can count on one hand the number of times that I've eaten beef (neither time was ground beef) When I was in SF over the summer, I was informed of some horror stories about mad cow and I'd rather not take my chances. My children will not either, no hamburgers. Unless of course it is organic, free grazing grass fed cattle. I am beef free.

Another one is white flower and white sugar. No grain or sugar occurs that white naturally. I know that when those two go through the processing plant, bleach is added. This is easily remedied becuase you can get ahold of natural cane sugar or sugar in the raw and wheat flour at all grocery stores now. No matter how awesome bleach is, I will avoid.

When it comes to organic food, I have mixed feelings. It comes down to taste and pesticides. Do you want to eat pesticides on all your vegitables and have you ever had an all organic salad? It just plain tastes better. I guess it's personal taste too, but man, carrots are more carroty and apples just burst. I'd take soy and flaxseed chips over Lays any damn day. Some of my favorite things (even if they're not organic) are only found in natural foodstores such as Kettle Chips, Blue Sky Sodas, Reed's Ginger Ale, Panda Licorice, Good Earth Tea, and Kasha. Man, you must have a deep pocket if you're going to eat primarily organic. Expensive: yes. Worth it: I can't say for sure, it's on a conditional basis.

Tune in next time for my explanation of natural toilettries.

Tristan & Isolde

I know when this movie is first observed it screams chic flick, but looks are deceiving. The battle scenes are pretty impressive and action packed, would not expect anything less from Reynolds (Though I kind of wish I could see a version of this movie tht the Scott brothers whip together.) There are a few stunts that caught my attention, such as when the actors jump to kill a man on the ground the camera is at a perfect position to make you gasp. Supherb cinamatography, you'll know what I'm talking about when you see the movie.

I like this movie for the same reasons I enjoy Romeo and Juliet: there's no fairytale ending. It's real and you can feel the power of it. So real that you can understand that this can and probaly did actually happen. If you aren't crying by the end, you will still feel the grief hours after the theatre. Seriously, this movie made me feel actual grief! Just like Romeo and Juliet did when I watched it for the first time. Actual tugs at my heartstrings, this one. Personaly, I think the actors did awesome and were perfectly cast. Especially Tristan (James Franco) and Lord Marke (Rufus Sewell) , pretty damn convincing. Although I think Reynolds was more preocupied with the battle scenes than the scenes of desire and that's where it was a little disapointing. It had a little more potential, but overall I still think it was great.

"There's something beautiful about a well-made tragic love story. It may not be as uplifting as one with a happy ending, but it's more cathartic. Tears, they say, are good for the soul, and few will leave Tristan & Isolde with dry eyes. It is an affecting motion picture with enough romance to satisfy those who appreciate that genre, and enough swordplay and battle scenes to keep lovers of derring-do from becoming restless."

"The ad's designers pull in close on the pretty faces of Franco and Myles hoping that generic contemporary hotness will sell tickets."

OK, I'm done. A-

Friday the thirteenth

.

Elliot Smith

either/or

I feel I discovered Elliot Smith for myself way too late. I wish I would've been more into his music when he was alive. I thouroughly enjoy it now, but in high school I would have loved it. It's sad when a thing like this happens. I was sitting in my dorm room casually watching Good Will Hunting and I heard the song "Between the Bars' and was hooked. I bought the album a day afterward, the first purchase of the semester. I can't believe I only discovered him this year! This album is awesome, awesome, awesome. Other favs of mine even have major referrences to him, how did I not catch these years ago? His life was pretty cool as well. He graduated from college with a degree in philosophy and politicol science, two subjects that fascinate me to no end but I'm too scared to dedicate myslef to them. Ben Folds' Late and Weezer's The Other Way are both about him. Can't live without this CD.

"I can be another fool or an exception to the rule. You decide the morning after."

Things on the tube that got a lot of watching out of me.
My Viewers Choice:

FIREFLY


This show was really, REALLY awesome and again it's one I discovered a little too late. Josh mentioned it a few times, but it was Jerry who forced me to watch a couple of episodes. I was hooked. Brandon had to let me borrow his DVD's, though I discovered recently SciFi picked it up. They had a marathon the day I had my wisdom teeth taken out so I was delightfully suprised! Of course it's one of those shows that Fox cut way too early and that disappoints me greatly. No worries, Universal made a movie out of it so that good news for us bad news for Fox. Just think what wouldn've happened if Fox cut Star Wars, hmm? The character development was so good that you had to love every one of them and the writing was that fast, dry humor that forced you to laugh out loud long after the scene was over. Brilliant, I say.

GREY'S ANATOMY


This show is pretty new, first season being January 2005. I adore it. It's Chicago Hope meets ER meets Friends. Sandra Oh gives a stunning performance as the thick skinned, tough, emotionless yet brilliantly talented intern. I love her character, it's no wonder she's up for a Golden Globe. I identifly most with the innocent-finding-herself, Izzy, who is ironicaly named Elizabeth. This is my new Sex and the City.

SUPERNATURAL


This is also a new show consisting of Angel meets Buffy the Vampire. Two brothers traveling the country solving supernatural mysteries that usually involve a pretty girl. I most enjoy watching this show with my friends Travis and Kim in my dorm room with surround sound doing linear algebra during the commercial breaks. Some of the episodes can be quite creepy, one actually had Kim and I jumping into eachothers arms and screaming. Yep, like two 12 year-olds. Travis wasn't with us to share this incredible event, too bad for him. Good show.

The List for 2006

1. SXSW for the 3rd time
2. write a letter to our Congressman or Representative
3. buy a really cool pair of shoes
4. watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy
5. give 10% of all earnings away to church or charity
6. file taxes by end of January
7. complete FAFSA by end of January
8. take vitamins and algae everyday
9. floss
10. repair bike and save gas
11. clean my car inside and out
12. lose 15 pounds by May
13. drink 3 gallons of water a week
14. spend only $10 on extra food every week (while in school)
15. only watch matinees, but watch at least 3 a month
16. read and complete a book a month
17. learn to play the piano well
18. write 2 letters a month to my Nonnie
19. buy antique jewelery
20. play a lot of animal crossing
21. get first in mario kart worldwide match
22. eat 0 deep fried foods
23. drink strawberry milk and eat a diego's burrito
24. complete all essays for Ellery's class on time
25. get a 4.0 this semester
26. play tennis again
27. say "I love you" to Josh everyday
28. keep up with friends' birthdays
29. catch a bouquet at a wedding
30. don't lie or stretch the truth
31. go to church, but think for myself
32. take a roadtrip to see Pablo
33. explore Christoval
34. skinny dip somewhere in San Angelo
35. keep practicing my flute
36. practice my ballet
37. don't over-involve myself
38. make some great coffee
39. don't get drunk, just razzed
40. don't talk with mouth full
41. eat at the Cactus Cafe' with someone cool
42. have a "photo-date" with someone
43. be nice to spoiled rotten sister
44. make up kick ass flag routines for Grape Creek HS
45. get a manicure and pedicure
46. get 7 hours of sleep every night
47. bake cakes and cookies for friends
48. stop disappearing from friends
49. buy a new Victoria's Secret bra
50. go to an art show
51. go to the symphony
52. live with Josh for the summer
53. be grateful to my dad
54. thank God for life every day
55. plant some trees, kill some misquites
56. go caroling at a nursing home
57. learn how to juggle

58. never sleep past 11 on weekends
59. get better at frisbee
60. drink coffee with Thinh at IHOP
61. eat the healthy breakfast thing at IHOP with Ashlin
62. email Darby
63. attend The Way at Glenn Junior High
64. be in my best friends' wedding
65. be happy for said friend getting married
66. pop someones Amelie cherry
67. be an encouragement to the girls on my floor
68. visit sister in San Antonio
69. don't have sex
70. look like Jackie O
71. discover and love a new band all on my own
72. stand up strait
73. dance with Juston
74. be supportive of Amber
75. play with animals in an animal shelter
76. be supportive of Matty
77. buy a cool new poster
78. don't eat out very much (or at least don't PAY for it)

79. take a roadtrip with Ashlin

80. be more positive about school

81. figure out what job i can see myself doing the rest of my life
82. be there for someone
83. visit my 1/2 canadian nephew
84. watch all of the olympics i can
85. keep dorm room clean
86. go camping somewhere
87. have a lost in translation, life aquatic, broken flowers marathon
88. have a sofia coppola marathon
89. dig deeper into my italian heritage
90. read a graphic novel
91. eat my fruits and veggies
92. meet and elope Zach Braff (crossing fingers!)
93. go to the library, it's there for a reason
94. order something besides a cinnamon latte at starbucks
95. go to Austin more often

96. find the confidence i had before may 2003
97. make my car last another year
98. don't be so self concious
99. remember my dreams
100. keep dreaming

What can be said about Christmas 2005? A myriad of good things. I got to spend a ton of time with Josh which is really all I ever want to do anyway. For gifts he got me Serenity, a Coffee Pot, Coffee, The Chronicles of Narnia, a fancy clutch bag, a printer, printer cable, a USB hub and a coupon for Animal Crossing. Can I say delightfully spoiled? Well, he hardly sees me throughout the year so it's justified. I can't believe we've been doing this for SO long. In 2005 we saw eachother about 6 weeks total. Finally this summer may just allow us to be normal for a while and actually spend more than 3 weeks together. The plan is to fly up there after Matty's graduation and stay there until school starts up for me. Living with Josh in an apartment for a couple of months... sounds too good to be true. This can actually happen and it's phenominal. I'm thrilled.

2006

In June of 1996, my mom, and sister and I packed all our stuff into one U-haul truck and headed east from Cali. Saddest day of my life. On June 26 I'll have lived half of my life here in Texas, therefore I am a citizen. Texas hasn't been all that bad to me, but I still can't help but loathe it when compared to the California of my childhood. Yet the California of my childhood is much different from the California of today. I've come to the realization that I don't want to live there, just visit probably. Texas has given me a great high school experience, free college, a delightful boyfriend, and no income tax. Maybe it's not so bad being Texan... maybe my mind will change about that tomorrow.

My resolutions for my Texan year:

-save $1000
-spend the summer in West Lafayette, IN
-spend time with my Nonnie in SF
-write my Nonnie every two weeks or so
-keep in touch with friends, especially distant ones
-spend money responsibly, not frivilously
-keep ALL receipts
-follow throgh on committments
-make a 4.o this Spring
-loose 15 pounds
-be a great and RA
-read the Bible more frequently
-have some quiet time
-learn to play the piano
-get better on my flute
-be honest
-don't swear
-let my boundries be known, don't allow myself to get hurt
-go to SXSW
-love passionately
-appreciate acts of kindness and return the gesture

Alright 2006, bring it.

FROM NOW ON MY BLOG WILL BE COOLER!

So here's my synopsis of the past few days:
- justifiable desire to be foreign
- justifiable desire of love to be tangible
- justifiable want of being better looking
- justifiable nervousness

Sadly enough I feel like I'm in high school again. This experience is disgustingly familiar and that's the worst of it. I'm 20 for goodness sake, do other 20 year olds have these types of problems with love or am I just lucky?

I WISH I:

-was Foreign

-wasn't working on the night Josh comes home

-would keep better in touch with my friends

-could touch love to be sure it is there

-could look better for Josh than I'm going to when I see him again

-could get a response

-would stop being nervous about his coming home

How to Handle Elizabeth Deming: The Complete Compendium

Chapter 8: On Visitation

Article 1
First and foremost, you should understand that she is a very busy girl. She was born with this innate sense that she can do anything and everything and she attempts to do just that. She tends to over involve herself in a myriad of different activities, 50% scholarly, 30% labor, 15% social and 5% personal.

The social aspect is particulary the most difficult for her due to the composition of the group. It is comprised of oldest friends, old friends, new friends, newer friends, and newest friends, best friend and boyfriend. Because of the extent of the group and scholarly activities, it makes it difficult to spend time equally amongst them. Because of this, some of the people get aggrivated that she can't spend time with them and then feelings of anger come about. She doesn't know how to fix this problem, but observations show that due to concern, effort has been shown there is improvement being made.

From the girl, myself:

I got the 3rd degree from Jordan this morning at breakfast. He railed on me for not hanging out with him the past couple of nights when just Saturday I went to a movie with him. I try not to get aggrivated, but sheesh, I do have other friends too and I want to see them as well. Especially Ashlina! Plus, I've been busy with work and school both of which are pretty darned important to some people. Jeff asked me to dinner tonight, but Shannon is already taking me to Rosa's. We agreed on Wednesday lunch, but I still felt bad for not being available. Therein lies the problem: I feel guilty when I can't do things for people when they ask me to though I should just have enough nerve and backbone to say "no, I'm sorry" and hope they understand. There's a New Year's resolution for me. Work on social time management and being OK with not pleasing everyone and doing everything.

Done.