The best words silenced, the worst ones spoken.

My friend Travis always jokes about how a real man cries. He says "it's always curled up in a ball in the shower." Well, when a real woman cries, it's always curled up in a ball on her bed. At least this woman does. The similarity is both have no hope of being comforted.

I believe I just lived one of the most pathetic moments of my life. I was journaling, trying to get thoughts out of my head and possibly onto paper when I began to cry a little. I looked around and to my left was a few pictures of me and The Five at Boy Scout Camp, one of my sisters and I at a wedding, and one of Josh and I in the Radisson in Appleton. Both of us smiling with his head is resting on my shoulder and his arms around my waist. I couldn't stand to look at it, it made me hurt worse and cry more.

Gabe, my new boss, said something the other day that really made me feel really small and insignificant. We were talking and I said something about me being the middle child in my family. "Oh, I should have guessed it" he said. When I asked him to explain what he meant by that he told me traits that he saw in me that showed I was a middle child: always keeping busy, always trying to please people, always trying to get attention... Well, I just sat there with that knife in my heart and was silent for the rest of my shift. I didn't really think I fell into that "always needs attention" category, but according to the Masters in Psychology guy, I did. My dad was usually the one who really took care of me because my mom was always obsessed with my two sisters. Dad's now gone and 1700 miles away and mom is still the same. So lets just say I've been pretty down lately since I got back from seeing my dad.

"Do you really miss me?"
"Feeling a little insecure, are we?"

Worst thing I could have possibly heard at that moment. "No." would've been better.

Then the moment came where this woman cried curled up on her bed alone in her room. Then cried some more after thinking of how pathetic she was for doing so in the first place. Which lead to more crying...


I really love you, but I don't love the things you say to hurt me.