I pulled another "all-nighter." I don't know why, I just couldn't sleep. My sister and I left our house at 12:30 am just to go... go anywhere. We ended up at Unidad park. My favorite park, with my favorite swing, and I remembered that night. The night of my confession. That night was amazing to me... it was the first night he put his arm around me. That's my favorite thing, just sitting in an embrace. I don't know why I'm actually typing all this, I just needed an outlet. I've been thinking too much tonight. Thinking about everything, how it will be like when he's gone, how my SENIOR year in high school will play out, how going onto college for me will be, where the rest of my friends will go, just everything. While I was packing for my trip (I finished an hour ago I might add, big procrastinator) I came across last years yearbook (nice job Cassie) I flipped through the pages and thougt to myslef, I'm going to be doing this exact same thing in 10 years. I read what people wrote about me and then looked through the senior adds. Those people were my role models for 2 years and they don't even know how they've touched my life and they never will. Most who I looked up to rarely even talked to me... Maddi Osbourne, Abbey Wehner, Megan Weaver, Kelly Thompson. I want to be just like them, I do, but I guess I'm my own person and I know I have to be myself. Next year I'll be in those senior adds, pictures of Ashlin and I will be plastered all over the yearbook and someone might be thinking the same things I am now. (probably not, I'm just crazy) I just started crying, sobbing uncontrolably. I've kind of been doing a lot of that lately, my heart just hurts of what is to come. I just don't want to have any regrets beacuse I loaded up on them this past year... not going to the senior picnic, not going to prject graduation, being gone for SOOOOOO long at boy scout camp, not going to church enough, working TWO jobs and managing school, not calling Ashlin enough, getting boy crazy and always choosing the wrong one (well I know NOW!) Come to think of it, I just have very few good memories of my Junior year and I don't want that to happen this year. I'm growing up too fast, I mean, when did I start driving, sheesh! But I've got to suck it up, here comes my SENIOR year. Make the most of it, have no regrets. :-)

Last night I reached a climax in my "have no regrets" rule. I was given the idea to do something so absolutely crazy that it would never, ever be forgotten and well, I did it (very much to the suprise to the person who recieved it) It happened so fast and we were both so terrified... I didn't even know I had actually done it until I was in the car driving away and he was left on the porch. I just hope he doesn't hate me for it, I really don't know his feelings abut it and probably never will, he's a closed book. All in all, I'm happy I did it. Just a hug in the parking lot of the Lighthouse was not going to be enough to get me through the 8 day absesnse. I guess this is just a taste of what is to come and I don't know how I'm going to handle it... I'm going to be a wreck. Anyway, I'm leaving tomorrow for Ruidoso, New Mexico on a Family vacation. I'll have fun, I know, but the timing is really bad. I'll be back Saturday night, most likely early in the morning Sunday (no points for you ::wink wink::) You are all in my prayers and I'll miss you! I'm about to go to a movie and then to work so see everyone next week.

::she does Thinh's GTO dance because she's no longer single::

Well, while everyone is now watching GTO without me, I'm up here at the Lighthouse working very hard. Part of my job description is making holidays for my best friends GREAT! For instance, I'm in the process of planning our amazing Thanksgiving trip to Lafeyette, Indiana. I need you people to tell me if you plan on going to visit Josh so I can start getting estimates on tickets and such. Give me a number of how many are going and I'll plan the entire thing the cheapest I can. What I have so far is leaving the Sunday before Thanksgiving (us kids still going to high school will take those 2 days for college days at Purdue, we get 2 excused college days this year) and we'll return that Saturday. It's looking like it's going to cost each person at the most $600 (including meals, airline, hotel, bus tickets) If you want to go or have any suggestions, just tell me. We're doing this because we love Josh.

You know, tonight was great. Matt's birthday party was fun, it ended with me falling face forward off the swing in the park. Don't ask how I did it... I have no idea. Then the REALLY great part came. Driving around San Angelo till 3 in the morning with the two greatest people in the world. Yet, I must say the absolute best part was the riverside confession and literaly living the entire "Summertime" song by MAE. Even the shooting star.

Ok, here's the more interesting part as I promised...

I've always wanted to life to be like in the movies. Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl chases boy for 108 minutes (average movie time) boy finally falls for girl, boy and girl live happily ever after. That's just the hopeless romantic in me. Life is never like that, it lacks the serendipity. For example, my romantic life has been somewhat of a disaster. Everything usually ends horribly before it even begins, and I've gotten used to the hurt. Yet, it has made me a perfect relationship analyst. You give me a recently ended relationship and I'll give you a detailed description of exactly what went wrong. However, I've recently experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that changed the way I view myself and love. Number one: People dwell too much on finding love when love is really supposed to find you. Number two: Why are we looking for love at this young age in the first place? We should stop trying to grow up so fast, live in the moment! Watch the sunrise with close friends, it's an amazing experience. Number three: Stop dwelling in the past and complaining about ex-boyfriends and past relationships. I'm positive Thinh and Josh are sick of hearing it. From now on nobody will ever hear me talk about it again. (With the exception of Ashlin, who I share everything with and she understands completely even if I get annoying) So, I will no longer feel sorry for myself and I'll start just living in the moment. Number four: HAVE NO REGRETS!!! Tell someone the way you feel at the risk of sounding like an idiot. Life's no fun if you don't take risks.

This will get more interesting, I promise.