This is the first time I'm not actually hanging by every calendar day. Yes, the dates are marked and the countdown has begun, but right now I don't want to know how many days are left. It's so much better when you don't look at it for a while and then WHAM! 10 days have passed. Before you know it, it's 2 days till he's here and you can't function correctly because you're so excited. It's easy to loose track of time... I can't beleive it's already been 6 months. Is that the lo.... yes, it is the longest you've ever been in a relationship. The fickle feelings seem to have disappeared and all you can think of is the future. It's funny how hearing a certain song or driving by a certain place can throw you head first into your wonderful memories of last summer.... of Thanksgiving.... of Christmas.... of him.

A park

The Dock

Caseopia

The First Austin Trip

Mae

Gloria Record

Mario Kart

Eggnog

Starbucks and Krispey Kreme

The list goes on and on, but it's not finished yet.

Justin at work said that I was the only virgin he knew. Sad for him, but I feel proud.

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That is it, no more. I quit. I'll just fake it... and the truth only my pillow will know.
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im writting just to write its 1202 in the morning and i cant sleep im so sick of not sleeping im so damned tired tired of everything tired of school tired of working tired of hurting tired of yearning tired of this growing seperation from God i long to go to church it would make me so happy to go to a bible study one of these days why havent i been going before what useless things held me back how did those things benefit my walk with Him at all i need to find a way my way i always could get up earlier or take some quiet time before i go to bed but then that cuts into my sleep time ha yet look what im doing sitting at my computer channeling my feelings in a stream of weary conciousness im so tired im weary and worn what is college going to do to me is this what its going to be like is this what its like josh i cant imagine months of this the pain of holding back tears is no longer a pain but normality in my day why do i feel the need to cry so much ugh why cant these things just stop i dont want to be numb anymore i feel like i have heart of stone and nothing can soften it yet something can i know what can its not like church is a requirement i mean you dont have to have church to be closer to Him but the fellowship and the accountability are the lifelines that im desperatly grasping for then theres the fifty the fifty that i have to get through then after that what comes next another fifty another hundred dont you dare think im regretting or second guessing im not i never will i just need an embrace and a sincere shoulder to cry on someone telling me its going to be ok everything will be fine just calm down it will all work out and yet you already did youre my wonder you inspire me in so many different ways its poitnless to try to count it goes on forever it will go on forever ill wait forever

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?


I have no doubt in my mind that this has been the worst week of my entire life.

I don't get it, what's so different about this time? Why is everything so wrong now? I've been crying so much that my eyes are still swollen and red in the mornings when I wake up. Just as soon as I think I've composed myself enough to go to school, I'm driving down Rio Concho and I start thinking about everything then BAM! Tears just start falling, despite my efforts and the pain trying to choke them back. Holding back tears is so horrible, it burns so bad in your throat. Everything just happened so fast... Josh left and my world fell to peices. Him leaving wasn't the reason it fell apart, it's just always so hard to adjust to being without him after I'd gotten so used to him being with me again. The very next day I started that job. I was there 2 hours when I started thinking to myself, What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here! I've always planned on being a waitress through college, ever since I was in junior high and I heard my oldest sister did it that way. But I'm not in college, I'm in my senior year of high school. I'm never going to have these years back, why waste it working my butt off for nothing. I really wouldn't mind waitressing if it didn't require me to work so many hours. Five to 11 or 12, 5 to 6 nights a week is something I'm not going to be able to handle. It's not even this job that's the big problem now... in fact there are so many things wrong I don't know how to pin point the problem. I mean my parents have truned into psycho creatures jumping on my case for every flaw of mine. They're really going to have a field day with the fact that I'm failing 3 classes already. I just want to go away. I don't want to be here any where near them. Apparently I have a bad attitude and terrible work ethic, but I'm also working too much and neglecting the family. I'm so confused and hurting right now. I just want to curl up in a ball of pathetic hopelessness on my bed wither away. I always used to be able to find the good in bad situations, but that light has faded if not gone.



Losing hope is easy
When your only friend is gone
And every time you look around
Well, it all, it all just seems to change
But hanging on is easy
When you've got a friend to call
When nothings making sense at all
You're not the only one that's afraid of change




Josh, I'm really trying to stop worrying. What you commented the other day has been my driving force and has actually given me hope. I think that's the only time this week I actually let out an honest smile. I'm just having and incredibly hard time right now, but I'll get through this somehow. I love you more than you'll ever be able to fathom. I love you, I love you, I love you. Now it's time for me to let God...

She's falling apart


Again, a selfish entry

Sometimes I truly resent my parents. I know they do a lot for me... and I mean a lot. Yet, sometimes I can't stand them. I often wonder what it would be like if I had different parents... I never have thought this before because I love my family more than anything, or at least I used to but

You know what, ck that.... this is how I really feel:
I woke up this morning and felt like a hadn't even slept. All I started thinking about was work and school work. I have a ton of homework right now and it's not getting done because there is really no time to do it. I don't want to hate this job, but I think I'm already beginning to. I don't want to have to have a job right now... I just want to have a good senior year. I want to be able to go spend time with my friends whenever I want. I want my parents to be concerned abuot my well being and how I'm doing in school, and care how a job might be affecting my school work. One parent who I admire very much actually said, "I just want them to be happy." I don't think my parents ever said that about me. I think my parents' lives are really driven by money and that's it. Like if I want to go on family trips, I have to pay for it myslef now. If there's anykind of food that I like I have to buy it because they're only "responsible for the necessities." My mom often starts yelling at me asking when am I going to ask my dad for the child support. Of course, even if I ask he'll never send it and then somehow my mom will think it's my fault. Then there's that part, being completely rejected by my father hasn't exactly been the greatest thing to deal with for the past 5 years. He doesn't support me at all, but I feel like I'm a horrible person if I don't keep in touch with my biological father. But then if my parents find out that I've been talking to him, Steve will get offended. They contradict themselves constantly with that stupid situation... my mom wants me to ask about the money, but she doesn't like me talking to him. It's enough to make me go crazy. Maybe it's just this new job that's making me crazy, I don't see myslef working 5 days a week and living to tell about it. I'm confused, really confused. Oh look, an 18 year old teenage girl complaining about her parents and her not wanting to accept responsibility. Boo hoo, sorry for all you who are fans of originality. This post is a cliche'. Dang it, that's my freaking greatest fear and I'm living it. I'm a fcking walking cliche'!

I'm torn up inside, but I feel nothing.

Forgive me for this selfish entry...
He left two days ago and all I can think is I want him back. Such a selfish thought, but I can't help it. I dreaded last Saturday like I dreaded that Thursday in August. I had the same feelings this time as I had last time, with only one worry less. At least now it's his second semester so not everything is so new.

Being with him here in San Angelo was a lot different than last time we were together here. I don't think he's changed, I think it's me. I think I've grown up a lot since last summer (despite what you may think) I fear I may have smothered him while he was here because I barely left his side, but when you know you've got a limited time to be together I get so desperate. I had to go through the saying goodbye to the family again, then it was my turn. It just never seems like we get enough of a goodbye, but how much is enough? After I got back to his house to pick up my car, that early morning in August played itself out again. Tears gushing, blinding me, preventing me from driving, forcing me to pull over and sob. I just felt so hopless and empty. I'd gotten used to him being here again, so now that he's gone I feel like there's nothing here. It's one of the worst kinds of pains. All I wanted to do was go to bed. I felt nothing but emptiness and unconciousness seemed like the best alternative. I did sleep, unfortunately only for 2 hours. Seems like all I did was cry that night, of course I repeated that the following night, and I'm not to sure about tonight. All I know is I think sleeping is the greatest thing in the world. The sooner I get home and go to sleep, the faster the next day will come, and the faster March 12 will come.

All I want is for you is to be happy. I'll do anything to see that through...