family events

I went to a wedding today. It was at the Cactus Hotel and it was lovely... and painful. It was only painful due to the fact that I was the third wheel (this is getting increasingly more common and more uncomfortable) and I had to listen to the other two wheels make comments on what they want for their wedding. Ugh, it was disgusting and aggravating, but my hostile feelings aren't really their fault. Honestly, my little sister and her boyfriend shouldn't be planning their own wedding yet and I shouldn't be angry or aggravated with them.

I'm not really angry at anyone, actually. I'm just angry, period. I hate feeling marginalized. I should be used to it by now since I am quite the blacksheep of the Deming-Combs family, but it is very weathering.

In other, yet related news:

I'm reading a fantastic book right now. It's called The Time Traveler's Wife and it is magnificent. It totally challenges the idea of the space/time continuum in the most creative way. One of the things I'm looking forward to most about this summer is spending summer nights reading in my new apartment or on a towel by the lake. Though if things go how I want them to, I wont be alone (I fear I'm being selfish in that regard, but what's a desperate girl to do?).

The thing is, I have some striking similarities to Clare, the protagonist. She is constantly grasping for more time with her love, but she has no control over the time or length of their visits together. She just keeps waiting for their life to start, but it is totally out of her hands. Meanwhile, Gomez, a mutual friend of the couple, is desperately in love with Clare is and trying get her to give up on the unpredictable and go for the steady. As of page 265 of 532, Clare is holding out for her Henry but is getting angry and doesn't have anything to blame her anger on. Huh.

Of course, my terrible description of the national best seller and upper 50 amazon ranked novel makes it sound like a sappy Daniel Steele idea instead of a masterpiece of modern fiction. It's a good book, believe me. Ugh, again I feel guilt and selfish but what else am I to do? Seriously! I don't know what to do! Jeez.

can't let go to let God

This semester has been deceptively good, with the exception of my Education 4321 class (horrible prof). I did hate that eight week Comm class, but I got an "A" so I'm OK with that. I think the greatest thing was having no classes on Friday and late classes every other day. I don't know if any college kid has ever muddled through 15 hours with a schedule as great as mine. Blessed am I.

The scary thing is I only have one semester of classes left. One. Then Student Teaching.

Again, it's a pretty fantastic schedule:

MWF
9AM - Eng
10AM - Eng
11AM - Comm
12AM - Edu

Nothing on T/R. Amazing? Very. What I have to prepare for now is my GRE which is the dreaded standardized test that determines Grad School scholarships. I don't know when I'm going to Grad School either. I actually don't have a clue what I'm doing after graduation. It's like I have a set plan that gets me to May 2008, but after that I hit a huge cliff. I can see the other side, but not clearly enough to make out any recognizable thing. I hate that. I'm a planner and I'm not spontaneous. I need to have a plan A, B, and C so I can prepare for what life throws at me. After 5/08 I don't have anything. It's a horrible feeling because I don't feel like I have any control and it goes against my wiring.

My entire life I've had to prepare myslef for serious blows.

"Hey Elizabeth, we're moving to Texas in two weeks. Dad's not coming."
"Ryan's moving out in a month."
"Krista's pregnant."
"This is Steve. We met last month. We're getting married."
"If you want to stay here you have to pay rent."
"Ryan's moving to Texas."
"Ryan's not moving to Texas."
ETCETERA!

I'm a child who has had to cope with a lot so part of my coping wiring is fighting for control of my own life. It's hard for me to let go and let things happen. My flaw is I feel I have to make things happen, but that does not work all the time. Like my future after college... I know where I want to be but it is not in my hands. I can't go on like that forever though. There has got to be a stopping point.

my sister rules

Yeah, my sister can rock sometimes. Go Anne Rose.

a good fight

What you need to know to assess the situation: I am currently a Communications major, English minor seeking Teacher Certification. I have a 4.0 in all English courses challenged and am aspiring to actually teach English at some point. Also, the English dpartment head is the devil incarnate.

The situation:I hit a brick wall today and I'm seething with anger right now. There is a certain class, ENG 4320 The Discipline of English, that I have to have departmental permission to get into if I'm not an English major. The class is mainly English pedagogy that I am very interested in, but the departmnet head won't let me in. She says I'm not a major and don't have the experience to take the class. On the contrary I am taking heavy loads of Englsih and I have a freakin 4.0! Who is she to tell me that I'm not experienced enough! (Well, the department head for starters.)

My fight is arguing why a student with a strong academic background can be refused a certain course he/she is interested in when the course will definately benefit the student in his/her educational career. It's just one class. I'm more than qualified for it (minus the major thing) and I know I would do very well.

The annoying thing is I really see her side of the argument too and it really IS the University's decision. But seriously, must you really deny a student's educational success? No. I'm considering appealing to the Dean. Maybe the Pres.

My ego is really showing through here. I pay enough money to this intitution that I think I should get my way. I like getting my way, dammit.

Leaving Indianapolis (Arriving San Angelo)

Nine days spent in West Lafayette. I consumed more bagels this week than I let myself eat all of last year. It hurts to even think about my trip, much less talk about it.

Leaving people at airport security is one of the worst feelings in the world. After that last good-bye you have to strip down nearly to your skivies and rush through cold metal and scanners. As if I don’t feel cold, exposed, and naked after leaving him anyway. Being stripped of him nearly knocks the wind out of me, but I’m used to the vertigo. I’ve been through this torture so many times before; it is a well-rehearsed part.

So I get through the probing station and fumble with the contents I’ve had to expose to pass the test. When the exhilaration of that is over emotion washes over me and I get that all-too-familiar punch in the stomach: he’s gone and it will be months before you even touch him again.

I hate it and I'm not wiling to hurt like this for very much longer. I can't. Couples aren't meant to be apart this long. We've been apart the whole time and enough is enough.

new love

I think I'm in love. He is 84 and one of America's most famous cynics: Kurt Vonnegut. He is still at it and is as sardonic as ever. The adorable, German-American, Indiana native, chain smoker has, like Einstein and Twain, given up on America in his later years. My mother fell in love with him also at my age. Though, hers was the time of Cats Cradle and mine is the time of A Man Without A Country.

I found the book by chance in the library at ASU, which has a horrible selection of books, by the way. Somehow paying fines on books I used for a project last semester helped me stumble upon the best piece of modern literature I've read in quite some time. This book has changed my perspective on things and brought me one step closer to being a cynic myself.

The book is on my lap as I fly somewhere over the cold Midwest. It is one chapter away from completion because I can't bear the thought of it ending. I want to see more of the world through this misanthrope's eyes. I laugh my way through it, wishing I could do something about the world. It is so sad where things are heading. I knew things would change, that is inevitable, but I never guessed how bad it would really be. The thing is it's only going to get worse and I worry for my immanent grandchildren, but is anybody else worrying? It doesn't seem like it.

People are so preoccupied with the stupidest stuff, myself included. We piddle around living our lives like members of Alcoholic Awareness, day by day. I really think we have our priorities screwed up. But free thinkers aren't welcome in Washington DC and everyone thinks the next president will fix it (Vonnegut). Haha.

You want something to really laugh at? Credit Cards, Cars, College Tuition, and democracy. Hysterical!

The rate things are going I think my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will see the unfolding of the clouds and the sound of the trumpets. I hope so, because when the oil runs out I'll not want them to see what the people are going to do to themselves and each other.

I loved that book. You should look into it.

put us back together right

this will blow over in time
this will all blow over in time

still things could be much worse