reminiscence

With the fear that someone would be reading my blog today, I began re-reading some of my earliest entries. I knew they would be disgustingly angsty and laden with "Josh-missing", but it was really nice getting reacquainted with that girl I once was. In looking back and remembering those first few weeks of senior year, being a very naive girl of 17, I kind of realize now how happy I really was as that child. Minus the "Josh-missing", I was quite a contented, driven, young woman.

My first entries complain of the flagline not performing as well as I hoped, certain Physics and Government grades not being up to par, and working a lot... but I was happy. I had no idea of the disappointment and confidence destruction that was to come. None of that started until around December of that year. And when that all hit, it was all over and that innocense was lost. I was no longer that optimistic, sappy, fun loving child, but turned into that girl who was gripping to that dream of how relationships are "supposed to be" and remained confused and hurt as to why that wasn't playing out. Ha, and it took years to get that head back on straight. I'm thinking a lot clearer now.

I suppose there is no reason to be really ashamed at what I once wrote here. It was truly how I was feeling at that moment, and this blog preserves those feelings perfectly. So, I'm not ashamed. Somehow all of it shaped the woman I am now and I can live with that. Short hair, green eyes and a stitched up heart that I still reveal too easily, but God has me taken care of and I will be fine in this life.

Here is one of my first posts that I have to revisit because maybe I was smarter than I thought at that age:

July 21, 2003

I've always wanted to life to be like in the movies. Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl chases boy for 108 minutes (average movie time) boy finally falls for girl, boy and girl live happily ever after. That's just the hopeless romantic in me. Life is never like that, it lacks the serendipity. For example, my romantic life has been somewhat of a disaster. Everything usually ends horribly before it even begins, and I've gotten used to the hurt. Yet, it has made me a perfect relationship analyst. You give me a recently ended relationship and I'll give you a detailed description of exactly what went wrong. However, I've recently experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that changed the way I view myself and love.

Number one: People dwell too much on finding love when love is really supposed to find you.

Number two: Why are we looking for love at this young age in the first place? We should stop trying to grow up so fast, live in the moment! Watch the sunrise with close friends, it's an amazing experience.

Number three: Stop dwelling in the past and complaining about ex-boyfriends and past relationships. I'm positive Thinh and Josh are sick of hearing it. From now on nobody will ever hear me talk about it again. (With the exception of Ashlin, who I share everything with and she understands completely even if I get annoying) So, I will no longer feel sorry for myself and I'll start just living in the moment.

Number four: HAVE NO REGRETS!!! Tell someone the way you feel at the risk of sounding like an idiot. Life's no fun if you don't take risks.

flames

I am having a very difficult time right now trusting people... myself in particular. From a young girl utterly surrounded by dysfunction, I don't understand how I got involved in such dysfunctional relationships when I grew up. You think I would run so fast in the opposite direction if anyone ever showed any signs they were like my father, but no. I seem to run into their open arms!

I feel like one of the women from Lifetime, defending the men I dated (save one, because the following post does not apply) saying "But they were really nice on the inside, they don't mean to be like that." Ugh, please, Elizabeth... you're so much smarter than that!

It's not my smarts. It's my passion that is my issue. My God-damned fickle flame that lights much too easily and is extinguished just as so. My smarts come in when I realize I need to get out of the relationship, and eventually I do. And then I sit here and think "What the HELL was I thinking?" Reflecting back on the two, I realize how screwed up things were and I begin to fear myself and my decisions. How could I stay in that type of setting? Threats, force, obsession, more threats... It goes to prove the adage, you really don't know someone until you divorce 'em. Or break-up with them in my case. I feel like I need to warn future victims or something.

Essentially, I feel very disappointed with myself and my past relationship decisions. It is not a good feeling. It hurts.

However, I must add that something has changed. Getting involved with Daniel has been one of the most rewarding experiences. There is something about that kid that drives me crazy and I often feel that I don't deserve the way he treats me. This is by far the most supportive, functional, normal relationship I have ever been in and that gives me hope. But most of all, and most important of all, he gives me confidence... which is the one thing I am most in need. I can't even begin to know how to thank him for that.

getting out

Whoever says there is nothing to do in San Angelo was not very creative. Honestly, there are not a ton of crazy-entertaining kinds of things to do, but I have never been really painstakingly bored here. I've always been one to entertain myself very easily, partly why long-distance relationships aren't too harsh for me. I always knew there was unexplored territory in San Angelo, and the Twin Buttes were definitely first on my list. When Jeff told me they were private property, they became that much more appealing. So Diana and I decided to go hiking and ended up going the whole way up... over fences and under barbed wire, we made it to the top of the pentacle of the San Angelo horizon. It was fantastic. Again, I hold that you just have to get creative to have fun in this city. Such as night driving, lawn-napping, running, night-swimming, etc. We've done a lot of crazy shit in this town that didn't involve alcohol or drug use of any kind, just good ol' fashioned trucks and adrenaline. I've had fun in this city.

That being said - San Angelo is defined on Urbandictionary.com as:

A small town in the middle of Texas that probably wouldn't exist if it didn't have Angelo State University or Goodfellow Air-force Base. It is most famous for the home of the latin/rock group, Los Lonely Boys.

Most of San Angelo's citizens socialize at one of three places: Hastings, Sunset Mall, or Graham Central Station.

It is also metaphorically described as a "whirlpool" or "black hole," meaning that people who come to this town find it hard to permanently leave.

Aaron Waston, a Texas country artist, also wrote a song about it.

"Dude, you'll never leave San Angelo... its a big whirlpool."

In the words of Jim from the Office, "Spot on!" Yes, that is exactly how I would describe San Angelo and it's suction effects. The big news is, I am finally getting out. Yes, you read correctly, I am leaving San Angelo. I will no longer reside in this city and will save a hell of a lot of gas money. My older sister asked me to move in with her down in San Marcos and it could not be a more perfect transition for me. When I think about it, I've been trying to get to this area for years, but school has always held me back. Now that I'll have my Masters and all I am now ready to go. So, when I get back from Italy in June, I'm packing up the truck and getting down there.

BIG PLUS: Closer to Krista, closer to Daniel, closer to Tantra, closer to Austin... it's the closest place to California I've ever been. It's settled, I'm on my way.

I can't wait to live near Daniel. It's going to be fantastic.