It's nothing that I understand


So prom is in two days. I must say I'm not as excited as I hoped I would be. I WAS excited, but lately this hasn't been the case. I've actually been resenting it a little. I know I'm going to have fun, well, I think so. It's just really hard right now. With all this "date" stuff, I can't help but desperately long for Josh to be here. More than ever I believe. I didn't even feel quite this bad on Valentine's Day for goodness sakes! I hate myself for not asking him last year when I had the opportunity. But the flip side is he always could've asked me, and if I had asked, I don't think he would've cared enough to go. I want him here, I want him here I want him here IwanthimhereIwanthimehere! So much for originality.

Then there's this awful feeling. I've been thinking a lot about how things were last year at this time compared to this year. A lot of things were different, but some things are the same. Like right this time last year I had this same feeling. It was a different situation, but why does it feel the same? It's horrible and I swore I'd never put myself in a position to hurt like this again... but here it is. It's like there's a knot in my stomach and it feels like butterflies ALL the time. But not good butterflies, the ones that make you so nervous you want to throw up and cry at the same time.. Yeah, two days and running. I never would've thought.

I'm surrounded by friends but I feel solitude at the same time. Well, maybe not solitude, but some kind of lonely for sure. I don't know how it's possible to always associate one thing to everything all the time, but I do and it feels like an instinct. I wonder if this is the case on that side? GAW, and that damn song had to come on just now! I don't want to think about last summer right now. I give up.

OF COURSE IT WAS JUST A JOKE!

I would NEVER do that to the love of my life.


THE TRUE STORY, PLEASE CARE ENOUGH TO READ... SOME FUNNY AHH SHII:

What happened was I pulled up to the Lighthouse around 8ish and everyone was outside hanging out by the cars. Then Troy (who happens to be one of my long time friends and prom date) pulls up and comes to talk to me. So we're talking about the trip he went on last weekend to Denver with ASU ROTC and he was SO excited to tell me about the cool people he met from PURDUE. Also on the trip they gave the cadets free swing dancing lessons, so he wanted to teach me for prom. So during all this, we hear small shouts of "Two timing slut" and "Dirty Hoebag" and "Remember Josh" and "I'm calling him right now" and all that jazz. Then it gets worse... we were still talking when Thinh started sneaking up to behind the truck we were standing in front of. We were doing our best to ignore the comments, but a "bug" was just ridiculous. All of this sudden everyone is sneaking around us in all directions and we were surrounded.

Then all of this sudden, everyone breaks out and runs into three seperate cars and the drive away. Two minutes later they all pull up on three sides of us and all turn on their brights. This was getting out of hand. Still, we ignored and kept talking about stuff. Finally, the big moment came when Pablo, Nick, and Juston run up and grab me from behind and carry me to Thinh's awaiting trunk. The trunk slams with me in it, then 4 other doors slam and the car goes into gear with voices yelling "We're going to Indiana, stay away from her f*cker!" It speeds off with me, Thinh, Lauren, Pablo, Juston, and Nick all inside. Then about 2 minutes and a TON of screaming later, they stop the car and throw me out of the trunk into the street and drive off. I was SO disoriented, I didn't know what street I was on, but I just started running towards the nearest street sign. Avenue K and Pierce, about 3 blocks from the Lighthouse. I continue running back to the LH. I get to the alley and then the Echo drives up behind me with them still screaming nasty, nasty stuff. I get to the parking lot again to see Troy there with a look on his face that suggests he didn't know whether to laugh or run away. "I'm going to go ahead and go ok?" he says. I say back (out of breath) "Sure thing, see you later." And that was it.

There was no kissing, no "laughing, touching, tasting" or "kiss of lust and love." Leave it to all of them to create the drama. The rest of the night I was referred to as SLUT, HOEBAG, and WHORE. All in all, it was in fun and hilarious.

Josh, I love you so much and I would never do anything like that. You know that. I love you, I love you, a thousand times I love you.

So my sister is in San Antonio now. Good bye my dear Krista, see you this weekend :)

I'm living a pretty boring life right now. My day consists of battling my alarm clock at 6:30, getting through hell, working out after hell, sometimes working, sometimes doing homework, failing miserably trying to think up interesting things to tell Josh so he might still be interested in me, then drowning myslef in tea trying to get to sleep. If there's a point to this so called life I don't get it yet.

So my sister is home and it's awesome being with her again. She's such a joy to be around... and she swears like a sailor, it's hilarious. So far I've spent the weekend eating, laughing, watching movies, and reflecting on my childhood. My sister always reveals stuff that I did when I was little that I've completely forgotten about now. Like trying to make a dogsled team with my boxer, a leash, and a saucer sled. I ended up in a ditch. Also, trying to prove that the ice over pond was strong enough to hold me and my awesome powers. It wasn't strong enough. I vividly remember that day, now that she brings it up.

The big thing is her remembering my medical history. She distinctly remembers me having anemia as a young child and taking iron pills for it. I don't remember a lick of it, but of course I was like 3. Apparently I took them til I was about 8 or so, but all I remember is taking vitamins and such everyday. With the results of my cancer test and such, along came the yellow flag on my reb blood cell count being slightly lower than normal, a.k.a anemia. Haha, my mom didn't even remember I had a history of it till my sister said something. You think you'd remember that about your child? Oh well, it sure explains a lot though. Me catching every cold that goes around and being sick almost ALL the time ( i know what you're thinking, white blood cells would be associated with this, right? but doc says it's not only the getting sick, but the duration of the sickness). Also, Josh would know this more than anyone, me getting rediculously cold very easy. Although, weight loss and loss of appetite is associated with anemia... it's apparent that that is not a symptom of mine, darn the luck. The good thing is I don't have to take pills for it. Just eat more iron rich foods. That won't be bad, I love spinach.

The Lighthouse is always better on rainy days. The atmosphere is hazy and dark, like a memory is trying to appear again.

This month is so full of stuff. It's going to be great. Upcoming events include Christmas in April, Dinner Theatre, Church Easter Musical, UIL, end of final counted 6 weeks, my sister moves back to the states, Easter, Winter Guard competition, stay at home in the mornings for a week because of TAKS testing, Prom, Corpus Christi Trip, Josh's 19th birthday, and him coming home. So much fun... all in a month!