Today I had a really bad "blood donating" experience. First off, my iron level was lower than usual because of my severe lack of appetite, but it still dropped just before that 15 second mark. Then when they pricked me I just bled and bled and bled. I was seriously in the chair for about 5 minutes total. The nurses looked kind of disturbed at how fast I gave the pint. When they removed the needle, I kept bleeding. It shot out of that vein like it was a ruptured artery or something, ending up all over my arm. Quite disgusting. Even after putting my arm over my head and all the correct procedures, the blood wouldn't cease. Twice I just let it gush out and form a pool of maroon on the nook of my elbow. This too disturbed those nurses. Finally, after the pressure of nurse's firm grip, it stopped and I was able to leave.
As I left, I couldn't help but feel it was some kind of metaphoric and symbolic experience for me. Yeah, I'm bleeding.... profusely. And it won't stop.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
dealing
What I've been saying to myself for the past two months:
Tomorrow will be better than today.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
God please, allow tomorrow to be better than today.
I ran 12 miles total last week and blew out my ankle. Ouch.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
God please, allow tomorrow to be better than today.
I ran 12 miles total last week and blew out my ankle. Ouch.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
end of sucktober... finally
I just got back from a 2.5 mile run. It is 1:30 in the morning. I really had to run.
In the roller coaster that I went on last month I was really hoping this month there would be a grand change. The morning after Halloween I woke up pretty rejuvenated and kind of "okay, things are good." I taught my classes at Central, got things done for work, paid my Alpha Chi dues, and spent 9 hours at our big event dancing with everyone (and dislocating my thumb) and then things felt peachy. If there is anything I've learned this year it's feelings are so very deceiving! When I got back in my room I checked my email, phone, everything that I had missed that day and then I felt sick. I took a shower hoping to cleanse myself and calm myself down, but it just got worse from there. I remember getting out of the shower, fumbling for a towel and slowly stepping towards my room. Then the breathing quickened, the hearing went completely, and vision started to blacken. Then I thought, "Oh crap" and wack! Floored. I awoke hours later and crawled, crying and nausious into my bed.
It was one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had. When I woke up I didn't know where I was, why I my hair was wet, why I had no clothes on... it was seriously traumatic. I felt such solitude. Even after I woke up the next morning, I felt intrepid and determined not to falter from my vow that this month will be different. I did end up going through the day decently, not even shedding a tear which a a huge step. However, today...er, yesterday, was a different story. Today was completely wasted. I ate breakfast, struggling with everything imaginable due to my thumb, and turned on the football game. I tried to write a little, but found it too painful which made me angry because that is usually my outlet, and the anger lead me to thinking about my situation and then it was all over. Today was wasted. I had another panic attack and spent hours trying to regain normal breathing without subsequent sobs.
Anne and Mike got me to the football game at halftime, but it took a massive amount of force. I am so at a loss for what to do. Prayer helps me regain composure, but only for seconds. How long will this go on? Enough already! I know, I know, I know, I KNOW what happened. Now I'm tortured for it and the punishment is so severe. Punished or forced lessons or somthing. I obviously haven't learned enough yet. I guess I'll know when I can think about the future and not want to get in the fetal position and stay there forever.
I had to run.
In the roller coaster that I went on last month I was really hoping this month there would be a grand change. The morning after Halloween I woke up pretty rejuvenated and kind of "okay, things are good." I taught my classes at Central, got things done for work, paid my Alpha Chi dues, and spent 9 hours at our big event dancing with everyone (and dislocating my thumb) and then things felt peachy. If there is anything I've learned this year it's feelings are so very deceiving! When I got back in my room I checked my email, phone, everything that I had missed that day and then I felt sick. I took a shower hoping to cleanse myself and calm myself down, but it just got worse from there. I remember getting out of the shower, fumbling for a towel and slowly stepping towards my room. Then the breathing quickened, the hearing went completely, and vision started to blacken. Then I thought, "Oh crap" and wack! Floored. I awoke hours later and crawled, crying and nausious into my bed.
It was one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had. When I woke up I didn't know where I was, why I my hair was wet, why I had no clothes on... it was seriously traumatic. I felt such solitude. Even after I woke up the next morning, I felt intrepid and determined not to falter from my vow that this month will be different. I did end up going through the day decently, not even shedding a tear which a a huge step. However, today...er, yesterday, was a different story. Today was completely wasted. I ate breakfast, struggling with everything imaginable due to my thumb, and turned on the football game. I tried to write a little, but found it too painful which made me angry because that is usually my outlet, and the anger lead me to thinking about my situation and then it was all over. Today was wasted. I had another panic attack and spent hours trying to regain normal breathing without subsequent sobs.
Anne and Mike got me to the football game at halftime, but it took a massive amount of force. I am so at a loss for what to do. Prayer helps me regain composure, but only for seconds. How long will this go on? Enough already! I know, I know, I know, I KNOW what happened. Now I'm tortured for it and the punishment is so severe. Punished or forced lessons or somthing. I obviously haven't learned enough yet. I guess I'll know when I can think about the future and not want to get in the fetal position and stay there forever.
I had to run.
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