unambiguous

Well, it's over. Four months to the day and that familiar whole is opened again. I feel like a bandage has been ripped off exposing an old, still healing wound. Jason and I began as friends, changed to lovers, and are now back to... something else. Uncomfortable and awkward is how I feel around him now. Ugh, and humiliated. These feelings suck. How eloquent of me...

it never takes too long

Sometimes I feel like the most unimaginable idiot.

How many times can I really make a fool out of myself when it comes to my affections. My mind is distracted and diffused. I have come to doubt again all that I once held as true. I stand alone without beliefs, hopes, expectations. I have to examine why I keep making such terrible mistakes. Chasing has never been something I desire, but seems something I always end up doing. For now, I am still just going through the motions, but someday this has got to stop. Hello, cryptic. We've missed you.

then we breakdown

I think as a rule people kind of panic when they graduate. It's this huge step that many have taken to brighten their future and further their lives, but it all hits you in the face once you've got that diploma in your hand.

I was talking to an old high school friend over drinks earler this summer and when the subject of current school came up she promtly asked me, "Have you had your breakdown yet?" I looked at her increadulously and said "Yeah! You too!?" Of course Carrie had, as well as so many others I know. Carrie surprised me though. She was the one who had it together, top of our class and faithful servant of God and there she goes and loses grip after college graduation as well. After speaking with Carrie, I discussed the matter with Adam, his wife Catherine, Philip, and Matt. The only one who didn't seem to have a crazy problem with graduating was Matt, who was getting married in 2 days. Everyone else had their little breakdown and are either over it or are just walking through life blindly like me. I felt a little better about it now after realizing I wasn't weird and unstable because the future scared other people too.

Now halfway finished with graduate school* I still don't have a grip on exaclty what I am intersted in doing with my life. I have two general goals, 1) making a positive influence and 2) traveling as soon as possible, as much as possible. I admire people who do have a grip on their lives. I wish I had that kind of plan. However, if there's anything I've learned in the past year is plans don't pan out like you hope sometimes. So, here I go blindly...