No one ever meant to hurt anyone here. He never meant to hurt me. I was protecting him. I never meant to hurt him. The "R" word has absolutely nothing to do with it, that word isn't even in my vocabulary. I still don't know what words to say to prove that to you. It's just realizing that heart strings are stronger than the strongest steel and my heart is still firmly attatched, even though I thought I wasn't.

All I can offer you is I'm sorry, I'm sorry, a thousand times I'm sorry.

I thought a "me time" weekend would be beneficial to me figuring myslef out, but it's just proved to be more detrimental than helpful. Last night I spent an hour with my Bible and previous journals to help me out.


God give me grace.


"Be still, and know that I Am God..."
~Psalms 46:10

There are times when I get so frustrated I want to scream. This is one of those times. I wish I could figure myself out.

I'm just going to take a second and say wow. Only because I am at a total loss for any other words.

So it's my last night here with my darling baby cousin. I have to say I'm quite sad to have to leave a part of my family here. Ryan, Brandy, and Bryce are so much a part of me, it's so hard to let them go! I cried a lot tonight. My brother comforted me, but he cried as well. He moved out at 17 and I've seen him 4 times since then: Graduation, Wedding, Christmas '02, Summer '04. That's not enough for me, I love my brother! I remember he taught me basketball in our backyard in summer of 1997. He also taught me all I know about tennis, and I'm a bad ass tennis player. (it's my journal, I have bragging rights)

Family is way too important to me and if he and my nephew are here, then this is where I need to be. Of course, I'll finish ASU but I have to consider a career here. Family is SO important to me. I want to see his little league and soccer games (maybe he'll paly on the Kara Soccer Team, jsut one non-Kara) and be here to embarrass him in front of his girlfriend when I tell her I gave him a bath at 5 months. My brother and sisters are SO VERY important to me. I am blessed.

There are a few people I really want to know better. I want to know why they think the way they do, why they have certain manerisms, what they think about issues and such. I guess intimacy is really important to me, and who can you be more intimate with than your friends? No matter what, I always find that the people I know best still suprise me. And it's wonderful.

Why is it that people are scared of intimacy? A lot of stuff people talk about to eachother is just a lot of nothing, meaningless coversation. I mean, I want to ask and be asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" (because we only think we're grown up now, but there's a lot more coming) and "What are your dreams?" Even if we don't follow them, we still have dreams. I want to be a dancer. I bet you didn't know that. I also want to be a devoted house wife. I bet you didn't know that either.


Stuff has really been bothering me lately. I know I just graduated and it seems like we we're just launched into the future. Our future, the one we're going to create all on our own. I've had my sights set on ASU ever since I got my scholarship, and I've had my sights set on a communications degree since sophomore year. But do I really want that? Maybe I don't think it's going to challenge me or something, like I'm taking a cop out major.

I look at what other people are doing and I'm in awe. I mean, Mehmet is a biochemistry major. How awesome is that! And he's such a wonderful person to be around. Then there's Thinh, he's going to major in business, and work for Nintendo! Again, that's so awesome. I've spent enough time with him to know his dreams. And then Josh, who amazes me most. He's going to start a job in three weeks. A great job, too, one that some San Angeloans would really dream of. Look at what he's done in a year. Just jump up and go to another state leaving family, friends, and girlfriend behind to study Electrical Engineering at a wonderful university. He's done well for himself.

I'm scared. I can admit it. I don't know what I want, typical feeling of a teenager. For me, future planning is essential. Have you seen my planner? Knowing that I don't know what I'm doing scares the crap out of me.

Wow, looks like I needed to pour a lot of bottled up stuff out. I wish I had aim here because talking to people would really be nice right about now. Don't search this post for grammar mistakes. I know there are plenty and I already know I'm really bad at it so there's no use telling me. Why don't we start with the stuff that really matters, huh?

It got up to about 108 yesterday, and I loved it.

I didn't love the harassment over dinner yesterday. This has been a relentless struggle for weeks, but I can't help my feelings and they don't understand that. I knew I was gonna get a talkin-to by my brother, but I didn't realize how serious he was about it. I'm pretty defensive about it because it is my life and I choose what I choose.

I can't bare the 6 days left though. At least I can't wait to see him, but I'm not too sure how it is on the other end.

Oh yeah, and that "thing that came up", the "something's happened"... well, it won't go away. I've been hanging out with some pretty cool people lately and they make me feel amazing. It's amazing how it feels to spend time with people that really care about you.

OH MY GOSH, I HAVE THE CUTEST NEPHEW IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Seriously, no other baby even compares...

So I got here around 8:00 my time, 6:00 Pheonix time and met my brother in the airport. Driving on the highway through Pheonix I saw Sun Devil Stadium and fantasized about going to Arizona State like I planned when I was 10 years old. Not going to happen, but I'm a dreamer.

We pulled into the driveway and Brandi met us with the baby. Bryce has got my brother's everything, but his mother's big bright blue eyes. His smile is huge and he giggles when you blow on his stomach. I love babies... I want like 7 or 12 or something. After wathcing him play for a while we all gave him a bath and fed him, then put him to bed. After that, we all got into the awesome pool they have in their back yard and swam for a really long time. Pheonix weather is REALLY hot, but it's a dry heat so it's manageable. It was about 80 degrees outside at 10:00, then it started raining. Huge cold wet drops falling all around us in the pool. Wouldn've been really romantic in the right company, but there I go again being a hopeless romantic. The hot tub was quite enjoyable, too. Just think, in a few months I'll have one of my own! (well, sharing with Ashlin and Lauren of course.)

Now it's 1:30 am according to my body clock, so sleep is much needed. I feel really terrible though, my sinus infection is killing me! My ears still haven't popped from the plane ride so I guess that shot didn't exactly help anything.

Brandi is a really cool sister-in-law. She's going to take us shopping at the Chandler Fasion Center tomorrow, so that should be great. I've saved a little money for school clothes, but I doubt I'll get anything these city folk call "fashionable." I want a new pair of reef sandals and a new pair of chucks. That's all. Haha, walking around here with nothing but a bikini is awesome.