So, another year has almost passed. I look back and only hope I've touched someone's life or made something, anything, special for someone, just as many others have done for me.

I've decided this year that I'm going to actually make some New Year's resolutions, contrary to what I've done in the past. I've never made any because I knew I'd never follow through with it. I mean, if I can't even keep small goals like keeping in touch with my family, what makes me think I can achieve bigger ones? It's high time I grow up and start taking responsibility for myself and for things that are going to affect the rest of my life. My eighteenth year is a good year to start resolutions anyway. I need a mental makeover, I can't do a thing for others until I feel ok with myself. I want to change my mind, spirit, and body.

SPIRIT
To change my spirit I must to learn to love everybody... unconditionaly. LOVE EVERYBODY! First, of course, love God. Then, love myself. By loving myslef, I enable myslef to love others. Love is the only thing that lasts and it's the only thing that matters. So I figured I'd start there.

BODY
The top of many resolution lists is lose weight and mine happens to be no exception. It's just something that I have to do, it's a major personal battle and has been for about 2 years now. It's time to fix it. I'm not going to be unreasonable and expect to look like Jennifer Garner or anything, but I just need to get in shape, the way I used to be. Ha, I'm still flexible thank goodness. I proved that tonight at the Lighthouse with Lauren. One handed cart-wheel into the splits standing back bends can still be done!

My List (so far and so much more to add)
1. Love Others
2. Get in shape

I did it again! Why do I not listen to Daniel!?

she waits one more week to fall apart

When I worked on Saturday I wrote a really LOOOOOOONG post about the happenings of Friday night, i poured heart and soul into that post for about half an hour, but yes, it was lost. My Lighthouse sign on timed out and when I logged back on, it was gone. Really, REALLY annoying!


Hmmm.....this has just turned into a self motivation post. No one really reads this anymore anyway, so I'll talk to myself. All I have to do is wait for Friday, it seems impossible. It's like I'm climbing a huge mountain with an unmeasureable weight holding be back. I got so much done within the last 12 hours! Finally, my Gov AP essay, my Chapter 12 Test and Study Guide, my English AP essay, my Photojournalism Final Project. All these things checked off my list, and yet I feel like nothing has been lifted. I still have so much to do... I'm not built for these stresses, no one is. Yet, we must accept it and deal with it the best way we know how. Unfortunately for me, I end up procrastinating and suffering the consequences.

I had a really hard time last night, I just ran to my mom crying like I was a 6 year-old or something. Honestly, I'm sick and tired of people making me feel stupid and insignificant. I may not have an insanely extensive vocabulary and my forte may not be in mathematics, but I'm talented and intellegent in ways people may not see, or rather bother to acknowledge. It's a shame that some of the people closest to me are the ones doing most of the harm. I remember writing about this in an earlier blog post.... apparently things haven't changed. I guess a trait in me is I'm sensitive to others words. I try not to be, but that's just me putting on a facade and not being true to myslef: words hurt. This hasn't changed in me, Amber and Ashlin can tell you that I've been like this since 7th grade. If anyone has any comments on how to help me not be so sensitive, please share. Yet, I'm not so sure that I'm being too sensitive or people are just too harsh. Please, I ask you as my friend, please don't be cruel and overly-sarcastic with me and don't insult my intellegence. I would never, ever, ever want to hurt you, so please think before you speak.

All I have to do is get through the 19th. I don't have time to have any kind of emotion until then. I feel like a puppet just going through the motions of school. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, some force is pushing out of it and somehow I find myslef in the shower and off to school. I've been late everyday this week. I'm slowly getting reclusive and anti-social, just like I did last year. I feel horrible, and even my teachers have commented on my solemn attitude. I'm easlily annoyed by my closest friends, little things are just irking me to death. My job, easy at times, is driving me crazy. Contrary to most people's perception of my place of emplyment, a lot of crap happens behind closed doors. I get paid decently, but at times I think it's not worth dealing with Casey and his nazi's. A strict, busy, unflexible waitress job looks mighty fine right now. Plus, it will give me the financial stability to pay back my parents AND be able to afford both a trip to Josh's in the Spring and my Band Spring Trip. Ugh... why am I feeling like this?

I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again. Oh, baby, I hate to go.


When I got off the plane last week I walked up to him, not being able to speak. We could barely look at eachother, I couldn't beleive I was finally there. My knees were weak from the plane ride, so I collapsed into the chair. He sat down next to me and put his head on my shoulder. It was then that I knew everything was going to be alright, everything I had anticipated was played out in that moment. And the trip got better from there...

I have enjoyed this trip so very much, being with him just makes me feel so amazing. What can I say, I love him. So so so so much. I don't know when I'll be back to West Lafayette, but I hope it's next semester. Josh will be coming home in 18 days, and of course waiting will be more agony. We've made it through over 100 days apart, what's 18 days? He'll be there for 3 weeks though! Bringing in the New Year is gonna be great, I'll be with him and all my close friends that are AWESOME. Now I start up my schooling again... thinking about him constantly and praying for him everyday. I don't have much more to say right now. I'm fighting back tears writing this, saying good-bye is so hard. Josh can tell something's up, but I'll just keep saying I'm fine. By the way, I'm a baby... a big one. I don't want to say good-bye. But saying good-bye means I get the chance to say hello again and the feeling of the first hug and kiss is indescribable.