I don't understand why I am so scared of everything. I wish I could be the person who goes with the flow, and is easy about everything. But that's where I get into trouble. I keep trying to be the person I want to be, or think I should be, but that's not the essence of who I am.
Here is what I know myself to be: I am not confident in myself and I really don't think I deserve a lot of the things given to me. I am constantly thinking ahead, and planning for what I think is coming. I even think of plan B, C, and D. I have to get good grades because I know I am capable of it if I just commit and work hard for it. I would rather write things than talk about them for the fear of being viewed as crazy. I hate that I am too scared to talk about what is really bothering me. I wish I was, but am not the kind of person who can be alone and be okay with it.
Most importantly, I realize that I am scared of a lot of things that I have no control over. I need help with a lot more things than I am willing to ask for. In that regard, when they find out all of this, they tend to run. I can't blame them either.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
adjusting
I'm finding it really odd living in a new place, starting a new life. In sum, it is not at all what I expected, but apparently it's exactly like Daniel expected. When I decided I wanted to move to San Marcos, he told me it's going to be a lot harder for you than you think. Of course, at the time I wrote him off and thought me, of all people, would do just fine. Oh, I could have never been so wrong.
To my family's chagrin, it wasn't hard because I miss my mom or my sister or my cat. I moved in with Krista, so I don't miss family. It was difficult because I had NO furniture and no room. I moved to San Marcos the day after I got back from being in Europe for a month, so adjusting to being stateside was something on its own entirely. I was living out of a suitcase I'd had for a month beforehand. Then of course, I didn't have a job and still had classes to take. Also, I got in a car accident and totaled my car, so I had my fair share of obstacles.
I'd like to say that I handled everything great, smoothly, and with grace... but I can't. At this time my sister had to leave for a month for National Guard training, so I was alone at the apartment knowing nobody else in San Marcos besides Daniel. I guess from an outside view, it doesn't look so bad but consider this:
The leading causes of stress in life are these 5 factors: moving, money, occupation, relationships, children. I was dealing with 4 of the 5 and we all know I don't have kids. My stress level was through the roof.
Eventually, I had some light at the end of the tunnel. I was offered a job at the local middle school (3 miles from my apartment!) and I was able to buy a new car and a new bed. I'm really not through the storm though, but I learned a lot about myself, some good and a lot bad. I'm proud of myself for being able to buy the car I wanted at a really great price. I did all my own research and went into the lot educated and (slightly) empowered. Even though everyone I spoke to told me I needed a man to go with me, I did it on my own. Little things like that are necessary.
Let's hope I can really get through all of this without getting burned anymore.
To my family's chagrin, it wasn't hard because I miss my mom or my sister or my cat. I moved in with Krista, so I don't miss family. It was difficult because I had NO furniture and no room. I moved to San Marcos the day after I got back from being in Europe for a month, so adjusting to being stateside was something on its own entirely. I was living out of a suitcase I'd had for a month beforehand. Then of course, I didn't have a job and still had classes to take. Also, I got in a car accident and totaled my car, so I had my fair share of obstacles.
I'd like to say that I handled everything great, smoothly, and with grace... but I can't. At this time my sister had to leave for a month for National Guard training, so I was alone at the apartment knowing nobody else in San Marcos besides Daniel. I guess from an outside view, it doesn't look so bad but consider this:
The leading causes of stress in life are these 5 factors: moving, money, occupation, relationships, children. I was dealing with 4 of the 5 and we all know I don't have kids. My stress level was through the roof.
Eventually, I had some light at the end of the tunnel. I was offered a job at the local middle school (3 miles from my apartment!) and I was able to buy a new car and a new bed. I'm really not through the storm though, but I learned a lot about myself, some good and a lot bad. I'm proud of myself for being able to buy the car I wanted at a really great price. I did all my own research and went into the lot educated and (slightly) empowered. Even though everyone I spoke to told me I needed a man to go with me, I did it on my own. Little things like that are necessary.
Let's hope I can really get through all of this without getting burned anymore.
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