waking

I wake up every morning with my heart beating, palms sweating, and nearly out of breath. When I realize it's 6:15 and it's time to get up, I feel the rush of anxiety all over my body. The adrenaline starts in my stomach and surges down to my toes and finger tips until I am consumed. Initially it feels the same as when I'm excited to see someone, like when I came home from Europe and couldn't wait to see Daniel and when I crossed the stage at graduation, e.g. butterflies. After that initial feeling, it takes a wretched turn for the worst and brings pain with it. This isn't excitement, it is fear, pain... dread.

Then I roll over and see Daniel beside me most mornings. When I see that moppy head of curls, I am reminded things could be so much worse. I could be completely alone here. I could have no job to go to. I could've had to move back to San Angelo. But I didn't, and I do have a job that I have to go to, no matter the pain in my stomach and the anxiety in my chest. I hear in my head his words saying "It's going to be okay, you'll be fine." So I kiss that warmth beside me and roll myself out of bed and try to get ready for the day.

Now, sometimes on the mornings I don't have Daniel beside me the pain is 10x worse and it takes me twice as long to get up. This in itself, is a huge problem. I can't have him next to me every morning. I can't expect him to stay over every night. He has his own home, his own place to sleep. Other mornings I'm okay and can get myself out the door with less trouble. But I need to be able to handle this on my own. I need something more solid to stand on. I feel like I'm sinking in mud and am struggling to walk. I've never felt this way before.

This happens to me every morning, which is why I fear going to sleep for the fear of waking up.

I may not love my life or living right now, but I do love the people in it. But someday I want to want to live my life for myself again.

what doesn't kill you...

I'm not dead, but that might feel better. I'm just the weakest I've EVER been.

I'm trying though, I really am. I still get out of bed every morning, though I don't want to. I still go to work, and I still eat a little... I've alive, but definitely NOT living. I think I've turned into one of those empty-shell people. The one's you meet in life and you just see the shadows under their eyes and ask yourself "What the heck happened to you along the way?" I'm one of them now.

I'm usually pretty good at finding some sort of optimism in times of distress and I've always been able to pull myself up and out of it, but this time it's way different. I'm not just stuck, I'm trapped. I have no way out until sometime in June, but even then, where can I possibly go? My sister is likely moving to Austin. I have NO idea where my boyfriend will be. I can't do what I'm doing now for another year or two, I know it's just not a possibility.

It's very scary being in such a dark place. So dark that some dreams/nightmares I've been having seem like such a relief if they would just come true. I can't get myself to type the rest of what I'm saying here. I thought I'd be able to handle this better. I thought I'd be stronger. I thought I was a good girlfriend. I can't think of any redeeming qualities I even have left anymore. I'm really a shell of who I used to be and I don't foresee getting out of that state. I don't know how!