christmas eve

I wish even Christmas was enough to keep me wanting to still be here. But I don't, and I don't know how to change that.

I don't want to be here anymore.

terrified

I'm constantly living in fear. Fear that this is going to last forever, fear that I'll never feel happy again. Fear of never liking a job and always living a dread. I'm in the middle of a raging sea of dread and doubt and all I can do at night is beg God for some direction.

"You were faithful before, you'll be faithful again" says the song on KLOVE right now. I want so badly for that to be so. I want some peace in my life.

Please please pray for me. I'm desperate, I can't do this alone and I want to believe I will get through this. I'm not convinced, but I want to believe it!

plummeting

Everyday it gets better, but also gets worse. I'm trying really hard to make things better and my family and friends are helping... but I'm hurting SO bad still. It's a numbing pain that doesn't cease. I haven't eaten much in months. Today I got half a yogurt down before I got nausious. Believe me, that's an improvement.

God, I'm desperate.