I was thinking today about how certain sounds, smells, tastes, etc. trigger stuff in your memory that send you right back to where you first encountered them. The big thing for me is music. I never used to listen to music this much, EVER! I have mainly Josh and Daniel to thank for this. To them I am forever indebted. Here goes it:

"Into the Darkness" Juliana Theory - Driving around some summer night before we were dating. I pretty much forced him to introduce me to Juilana Theory.

Mae "Summertime" - Well, duh.

All American Rejects "Swing Swing" - Summer 2002 driving to Canada.

Ben Folds "Wandering" - Sometime either September or October at night missing him terribly.

Norah Jones "Come Away With Me" - Sitting in the hot tub in New Mexico this summer wishing I was back in San Angelo.

Oasis "Wonderwall" - Playing this song on my guitar with Chris Weaver.

Postal Service "Such Great Heights" - Singing and acting it out with Juston in Magnolia in probably early September.

Postal Sevice "Sleeping In" - Driving to Austin on our first trip.

Juliana Theory "You Always Say Goodnight" - Driving around Ruidoso, NM still wishing I was home.

Stephen Speaks "Out of my League" - Sitting in the St. Louis airport, nervous as can be.

Postal Srvice "District Sleeps Alone" - Watching Josh paint his senior square in the youth room on his last day in San Angelo.

Sumblime "What I Got" - Eight of us crammed into Matt's Caddilac screming this song at the top of our lungs after church every Sunday.

Opium "Heaven is a Half Pipe" - Matt always played this for me when he drove me from Band practice to Play rehearsal sophomore year.

The Shins "Chutes too Narrow" - One night after a movie........."Whoa, is that The Shins? They're palying The Shins!"....................

Phantom Planet "California" - The song I wish were true for me..... 'California, here we come'


There are many others that remind me of things, just these stand out in my mind. A smile comes to my face with all of these, even though they weren't all happy times. It's just really fun to think about.

Wouldn't it be nice
If I could melt myself like ice
Or outrun my skin
And just be pure wind

I had a really long post in here, but then I read an e-mail and decided to delete it.

So it appears that everything's okay.

It's times like these when I get really confused. I think people want one thing from me, but when I try to do that it just blows up in my face and gets more people involved that DON'T need to be. I'm really trying to help Ashlin in this situation with her, Thinh, Tyler, Ben, Jeremy, and Cody. I mean, finally I have time to help her but she doesn't seem like she really wants it. Also, in "helping" her I end up putting a friendship on the line that really means a lot to me. In doing this I end up putting other peoples friendships with people on the line and it just gets rediculous! This whole situation is out of control and very immature and I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I've tried to help, really I have but I'm staying out of it. Ashlin you are my best friend and will be forever, but honey I can't help. To add to this:


Dear Thinh,

I'm really, really sorry if what I've done was offensive.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

The years are fast, but the days are long.

I wish people were open and honest, it would make things a lot easier. I'm not going to judge, I just want to know...

This is the first time I'm not actually hanging by every calendar day. Yes, the dates are marked and the countdown has begun, but right now I don't want to know how many days are left. It's so much better when you don't look at it for a while and then WHAM! 10 days have passed. Before you know it, it's 2 days till he's here and you can't function correctly because you're so excited. It's easy to loose track of time... I can't beleive it's already been 6 months. Is that the lo.... yes, it is the longest you've ever been in a relationship. The fickle feelings seem to have disappeared and all you can think of is the future. It's funny how hearing a certain song or driving by a certain place can throw you head first into your wonderful memories of last summer.... of Thanksgiving.... of Christmas.... of him.

A park

The Dock

Caseopia

The First Austin Trip

Mae

Gloria Record

Mario Kart

Eggnog

Starbucks and Krispey Kreme

The list goes on and on, but it's not finished yet.

Justin at work said that I was the only virgin he knew. Sad for him, but I feel proud.

.
.
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That is it, no more. I quit. I'll just fake it... and the truth only my pillow will know.
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im writting just to write its 1202 in the morning and i cant sleep im so sick of not sleeping im so damned tired tired of everything tired of school tired of working tired of hurting tired of yearning tired of this growing seperation from God i long to go to church it would make me so happy to go to a bible study one of these days why havent i been going before what useless things held me back how did those things benefit my walk with Him at all i need to find a way my way i always could get up earlier or take some quiet time before i go to bed but then that cuts into my sleep time ha yet look what im doing sitting at my computer channeling my feelings in a stream of weary conciousness im so tired im weary and worn what is college going to do to me is this what its going to be like is this what its like josh i cant imagine months of this the pain of holding back tears is no longer a pain but normality in my day why do i feel the need to cry so much ugh why cant these things just stop i dont want to be numb anymore i feel like i have heart of stone and nothing can soften it yet something can i know what can its not like church is a requirement i mean you dont have to have church to be closer to Him but the fellowship and the accountability are the lifelines that im desperatly grasping for then theres the fifty the fifty that i have to get through then after that what comes next another fifty another hundred dont you dare think im regretting or second guessing im not i never will i just need an embrace and a sincere shoulder to cry on someone telling me its going to be ok everything will be fine just calm down it will all work out and yet you already did youre my wonder you inspire me in so many different ways its poitnless to try to count it goes on forever it will go on forever ill wait forever

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?


I have no doubt in my mind that this has been the worst week of my entire life.

I don't get it, what's so different about this time? Why is everything so wrong now? I've been crying so much that my eyes are still swollen and red in the mornings when I wake up. Just as soon as I think I've composed myself enough to go to school, I'm driving down Rio Concho and I start thinking about everything then BAM! Tears just start falling, despite my efforts and the pain trying to choke them back. Holding back tears is so horrible, it burns so bad in your throat. Everything just happened so fast... Josh left and my world fell to peices. Him leaving wasn't the reason it fell apart, it's just always so hard to adjust to being without him after I'd gotten so used to him being with me again. The very next day I started that job. I was there 2 hours when I started thinking to myself, What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here! I've always planned on being a waitress through college, ever since I was in junior high and I heard my oldest sister did it that way. But I'm not in college, I'm in my senior year of high school. I'm never going to have these years back, why waste it working my butt off for nothing. I really wouldn't mind waitressing if it didn't require me to work so many hours. Five to 11 or 12, 5 to 6 nights a week is something I'm not going to be able to handle. It's not even this job that's the big problem now... in fact there are so many things wrong I don't know how to pin point the problem. I mean my parents have truned into psycho creatures jumping on my case for every flaw of mine. They're really going to have a field day with the fact that I'm failing 3 classes already. I just want to go away. I don't want to be here any where near them. Apparently I have a bad attitude and terrible work ethic, but I'm also working too much and neglecting the family. I'm so confused and hurting right now. I just want to curl up in a ball of pathetic hopelessness on my bed wither away. I always used to be able to find the good in bad situations, but that light has faded if not gone.



Losing hope is easy
When your only friend is gone
And every time you look around
Well, it all, it all just seems to change
But hanging on is easy
When you've got a friend to call
When nothings making sense at all
You're not the only one that's afraid of change




Josh, I'm really trying to stop worrying. What you commented the other day has been my driving force and has actually given me hope. I think that's the only time this week I actually let out an honest smile. I'm just having and incredibly hard time right now, but I'll get through this somehow. I love you more than you'll ever be able to fathom. I love you, I love you, I love you. Now it's time for me to let God...

She's falling apart


Again, a selfish entry

Sometimes I truly resent my parents. I know they do a lot for me... and I mean a lot. Yet, sometimes I can't stand them. I often wonder what it would be like if I had different parents... I never have thought this before because I love my family more than anything, or at least I used to but

You know what, ck that.... this is how I really feel:
I woke up this morning and felt like a hadn't even slept. All I started thinking about was work and school work. I have a ton of homework right now and it's not getting done because there is really no time to do it. I don't want to hate this job, but I think I'm already beginning to. I don't want to have to have a job right now... I just want to have a good senior year. I want to be able to go spend time with my friends whenever I want. I want my parents to be concerned abuot my well being and how I'm doing in school, and care how a job might be affecting my school work. One parent who I admire very much actually said, "I just want them to be happy." I don't think my parents ever said that about me. I think my parents' lives are really driven by money and that's it. Like if I want to go on family trips, I have to pay for it myslef now. If there's anykind of food that I like I have to buy it because they're only "responsible for the necessities." My mom often starts yelling at me asking when am I going to ask my dad for the child support. Of course, even if I ask he'll never send it and then somehow my mom will think it's my fault. Then there's that part, being completely rejected by my father hasn't exactly been the greatest thing to deal with for the past 5 years. He doesn't support me at all, but I feel like I'm a horrible person if I don't keep in touch with my biological father. But then if my parents find out that I've been talking to him, Steve will get offended. They contradict themselves constantly with that stupid situation... my mom wants me to ask about the money, but she doesn't like me talking to him. It's enough to make me go crazy. Maybe it's just this new job that's making me crazy, I don't see myslef working 5 days a week and living to tell about it. I'm confused, really confused. Oh look, an 18 year old teenage girl complaining about her parents and her not wanting to accept responsibility. Boo hoo, sorry for all you who are fans of originality. This post is a cliche'. Dang it, that's my freaking greatest fear and I'm living it. I'm a fcking walking cliche'!

I'm torn up inside, but I feel nothing.

Forgive me for this selfish entry...
He left two days ago and all I can think is I want him back. Such a selfish thought, but I can't help it. I dreaded last Saturday like I dreaded that Thursday in August. I had the same feelings this time as I had last time, with only one worry less. At least now it's his second semester so not everything is so new.

Being with him here in San Angelo was a lot different than last time we were together here. I don't think he's changed, I think it's me. I think I've grown up a lot since last summer (despite what you may think) I fear I may have smothered him while he was here because I barely left his side, but when you know you've got a limited time to be together I get so desperate. I had to go through the saying goodbye to the family again, then it was my turn. It just never seems like we get enough of a goodbye, but how much is enough? After I got back to his house to pick up my car, that early morning in August played itself out again. Tears gushing, blinding me, preventing me from driving, forcing me to pull over and sob. I just felt so hopless and empty. I'd gotten used to him being here again, so now that he's gone I feel like there's nothing here. It's one of the worst kinds of pains. All I wanted to do was go to bed. I felt nothing but emptiness and unconciousness seemed like the best alternative. I did sleep, unfortunately only for 2 hours. Seems like all I did was cry that night, of course I repeated that the following night, and I'm not to sure about tonight. All I know is I think sleeping is the greatest thing in the world. The sooner I get home and go to sleep, the faster the next day will come, and the faster March 12 will come.

All I want is for you is to be happy. I'll do anything to see that through...

So, another year has almost passed. I look back and only hope I've touched someone's life or made something, anything, special for someone, just as many others have done for me.

I've decided this year that I'm going to actually make some New Year's resolutions, contrary to what I've done in the past. I've never made any because I knew I'd never follow through with it. I mean, if I can't even keep small goals like keeping in touch with my family, what makes me think I can achieve bigger ones? It's high time I grow up and start taking responsibility for myself and for things that are going to affect the rest of my life. My eighteenth year is a good year to start resolutions anyway. I need a mental makeover, I can't do a thing for others until I feel ok with myself. I want to change my mind, spirit, and body.

SPIRIT
To change my spirit I must to learn to love everybody... unconditionaly. LOVE EVERYBODY! First, of course, love God. Then, love myself. By loving myslef, I enable myslef to love others. Love is the only thing that lasts and it's the only thing that matters. So I figured I'd start there.

BODY
The top of many resolution lists is lose weight and mine happens to be no exception. It's just something that I have to do, it's a major personal battle and has been for about 2 years now. It's time to fix it. I'm not going to be unreasonable and expect to look like Jennifer Garner or anything, but I just need to get in shape, the way I used to be. Ha, I'm still flexible thank goodness. I proved that tonight at the Lighthouse with Lauren. One handed cart-wheel into the splits standing back bends can still be done!

My List (so far and so much more to add)
1. Love Others
2. Get in shape

I did it again! Why do I not listen to Daniel!?

she waits one more week to fall apart

When I worked on Saturday I wrote a really LOOOOOOONG post about the happenings of Friday night, i poured heart and soul into that post for about half an hour, but yes, it was lost. My Lighthouse sign on timed out and when I logged back on, it was gone. Really, REALLY annoying!


Hmmm.....this has just turned into a self motivation post. No one really reads this anymore anyway, so I'll talk to myself. All I have to do is wait for Friday, it seems impossible. It's like I'm climbing a huge mountain with an unmeasureable weight holding be back. I got so much done within the last 12 hours! Finally, my Gov AP essay, my Chapter 12 Test and Study Guide, my English AP essay, my Photojournalism Final Project. All these things checked off my list, and yet I feel like nothing has been lifted. I still have so much to do... I'm not built for these stresses, no one is. Yet, we must accept it and deal with it the best way we know how. Unfortunately for me, I end up procrastinating and suffering the consequences.

I had a really hard time last night, I just ran to my mom crying like I was a 6 year-old or something. Honestly, I'm sick and tired of people making me feel stupid and insignificant. I may not have an insanely extensive vocabulary and my forte may not be in mathematics, but I'm talented and intellegent in ways people may not see, or rather bother to acknowledge. It's a shame that some of the people closest to me are the ones doing most of the harm. I remember writing about this in an earlier blog post.... apparently things haven't changed. I guess a trait in me is I'm sensitive to others words. I try not to be, but that's just me putting on a facade and not being true to myslef: words hurt. This hasn't changed in me, Amber and Ashlin can tell you that I've been like this since 7th grade. If anyone has any comments on how to help me not be so sensitive, please share. Yet, I'm not so sure that I'm being too sensitive or people are just too harsh. Please, I ask you as my friend, please don't be cruel and overly-sarcastic with me and don't insult my intellegence. I would never, ever, ever want to hurt you, so please think before you speak.

All I have to do is get through the 19th. I don't have time to have any kind of emotion until then. I feel like a puppet just going through the motions of school. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, some force is pushing out of it and somehow I find myslef in the shower and off to school. I've been late everyday this week. I'm slowly getting reclusive and anti-social, just like I did last year. I feel horrible, and even my teachers have commented on my solemn attitude. I'm easlily annoyed by my closest friends, little things are just irking me to death. My job, easy at times, is driving me crazy. Contrary to most people's perception of my place of emplyment, a lot of crap happens behind closed doors. I get paid decently, but at times I think it's not worth dealing with Casey and his nazi's. A strict, busy, unflexible waitress job looks mighty fine right now. Plus, it will give me the financial stability to pay back my parents AND be able to afford both a trip to Josh's in the Spring and my Band Spring Trip. Ugh... why am I feeling like this?

I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again. Oh, baby, I hate to go.


When I got off the plane last week I walked up to him, not being able to speak. We could barely look at eachother, I couldn't beleive I was finally there. My knees were weak from the plane ride, so I collapsed into the chair. He sat down next to me and put his head on my shoulder. It was then that I knew everything was going to be alright, everything I had anticipated was played out in that moment. And the trip got better from there...

I have enjoyed this trip so very much, being with him just makes me feel so amazing. What can I say, I love him. So so so so much. I don't know when I'll be back to West Lafayette, but I hope it's next semester. Josh will be coming home in 18 days, and of course waiting will be more agony. We've made it through over 100 days apart, what's 18 days? He'll be there for 3 weeks though! Bringing in the New Year is gonna be great, I'll be with him and all my close friends that are AWESOME. Now I start up my schooling again... thinking about him constantly and praying for him everyday. I don't have much more to say right now. I'm fighting back tears writing this, saying good-bye is so hard. Josh can tell something's up, but I'll just keep saying I'm fine. By the way, I'm a baby... a big one. I don't want to say good-bye. But saying good-bye means I get the chance to say hello again and the feeling of the first hug and kiss is indescribable.

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go...

So I've been waiting for this for months now and have been counting down the days since 103. Now it's something like 44 hours or so. I'm so excited, scared, enthralled, timid, and giddy all at the same time. Come tomorrow night I know I won't be able to sleep and the Speciales' will pull into my driveway at 3 am and I'll be off. It's so awesome that they are actually doing this for me, I'm so close to his family, especially his Mother. We're like old friends, it's weird. I'm sure he hates it and is weirded out by it but oh well. I really didn't expect his parents to really like the idea of me going up there, but not only do they support it, they're an acting force in getting me up there! The day he left I talked to his mother about it. Just minutes after he'd pulled away (and before I fell apart) she went inside and got me 2 flyers for two hotels that were up there. Turns out that my dad came across one of those flyers and I'm actually going to stay in a really nice hotel a few days. I wonder what it's going to be like? Everyday duirng our school's "moment of silence" I've prayed that he does well on his exams, that he doesn't forget me, that he makes great friends, that he grows closer to God, and so on and so forth. I know we haven't drifted apart because we've only missed talking to eachother 2 days since he left. I'm just a little nervous about how I'm going to react. It seems I'm anticipating this a little more than he is, that scares me too. What doesn't scare me is that I know I love him, and love knows no distance. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and the truth of those words will be my anthem for the next 3 years or so at least. Just to be in his warm embrace is all I've wanted for the past 3 and a half months. He's been the subject of almost every post I've got in this thing. All of you who say long distance relationships can't work can suck it! Ok, that wasn't very nice but still. Never say it can't be done. The 23rd will not only be the day I see him but will also be our 4 month (insert latin prefix for month here)-versary. And there's a heck of a lot more months to come after that. The feeling of knowing someone loves you is the greatest in the world.

A not so meaningful post: If you ever want to go through some extreme pain, got to a salon and get a wax treatment. OMFG, PAIN!

Ok, with this whole Krystal Alvarado thing. Yes, this is terribly, terribly tragic and the realization that this can happen to anyone is absolutely terrifying and gives us a slap in the face on reality. We're not immortal, we should stop living like we are. Maybe I'm just talking to myself here, but I know there are some things in my life that I'm changing because of this. The thing that most saddens me is I knew her relatively well and that's not really a good thing. When I think of Krystal I want to think of her as a nice great person but I can't. To me she wasn't very nice and her and her friends didn't exactly like me. I mean, they were the cause of so much grief in my elementary and junior high years. Needless to say it was all bull crap anyway. So stupid and petty little things that don't amount to a thing in the end. This just proves that life is so short and way too preciuous to have little grudges about anything! I wish so much that I could have at least talked to her in high school. I never said anything to her these past three years. That is so dumb! I'm not saying I would've wanted to be best friends with her or anything, but you know just to talk to her. It doesn't really matter now. I just feel awful for have had any bad feelings toward her at all, they were pointless. I'm not sure I really said here what I really was trying to, hmmmm. I will miss you, Krystal.