The best words silenced, the worst ones spoken.

My friend Travis always jokes about how a real man cries. He says "it's always curled up in a ball in the shower." Well, when a real woman cries, it's always curled up in a ball on her bed. At least this woman does. The similarity is both have no hope of being comforted.

I believe I just lived one of the most pathetic moments of my life. I was journaling, trying to get thoughts out of my head and possibly onto paper when I began to cry a little. I looked around and to my left was a few pictures of me and The Five at Boy Scout Camp, one of my sisters and I at a wedding, and one of Josh and I in the Radisson in Appleton. Both of us smiling with his head is resting on my shoulder and his arms around my waist. I couldn't stand to look at it, it made me hurt worse and cry more.

Gabe, my new boss, said something the other day that really made me feel really small and insignificant. We were talking and I said something about me being the middle child in my family. "Oh, I should have guessed it" he said. When I asked him to explain what he meant by that he told me traits that he saw in me that showed I was a middle child: always keeping busy, always trying to please people, always trying to get attention... Well, I just sat there with that knife in my heart and was silent for the rest of my shift. I didn't really think I fell into that "always needs attention" category, but according to the Masters in Psychology guy, I did. My dad was usually the one who really took care of me because my mom was always obsessed with my two sisters. Dad's now gone and 1700 miles away and mom is still the same. So lets just say I've been pretty down lately since I got back from seeing my dad.

"Do you really miss me?"
"Feeling a little insecure, are we?"

Worst thing I could have possibly heard at that moment. "No." would've been better.

Then the moment came where this woman cried curled up on her bed alone in her room. Then cried some more after thinking of how pathetic she was for doing so in the first place. Which lead to more crying...


I really love you, but I don't love the things you say to hurt me.

Long, long eventful summer that no one will read about because it's in my private journal now and I don't feel like typing it all here.

RA training was pretty strenuous, but I graduated and had a successful move in weekend. My floor is one of the only one not packed to the brim right now, and I have a lot of cool girls. I bet Josh is glad I'm in the only All Women dorm on campus. Then again, he probably doesn't care.

Starting this year at ASU feels like my first year. I'm just way more involved, so I feel like a Freshman. I have a lot of new friends, and I still hang out with my old ones. I'm on the Ultimate Frisbee team which is so fun because it's a workout and allows me time to hang out with cool people. I had to relinquish my title as BSM Leader due to my duties as an RA. What's more important is that I'm there for my residents anytime they need me, because that's what I'm paid to do now. This allows me some time to regularly meet with Abs hopefully. I still need spiritual guidence you know? I've got a lot of work ahead of me this year.

I feel really distant right now, mainly because I'm too busy and he can't stay up a minute past 11.

So now I'm in California with my father and after being here a week the only question that comes to my mind is "Why the HELL did my mom move us to TEXAS?!" This trip has only confirmed and added fuel to my loathing of Texas. I can never be a true Texan, even if I have lived there more than half of my life.

It's beautiful here. The beaches are gorgeous and so are the mountains. The entertainment in the Bay Area is endless as well as the recreational opportunities. But even wth all its beauty California is not the greatest when it comes to the really important things in everyday life. The list of things that are too high goes on forever: taxes, property cost, homelessness, gas, dot dot dot. Enron really screwed these people over, though... and the Governator is really not doing a very good job.

All in all, it's a wonderful place to visit but I don't think I can ever live here again. :-(

I've got to quit it with the cryptic confusing posts I've been putting on here. Thanks to a wake up call, I've discovered it's not very fair.

Summer is over for me in San Angelo in about 4 days. It's gone fast, but has been so much fun. Not as good as 2003, hell of a lot better than 2004. I still have 2 weeks of summer in San Francisco, but when I return to SA I'll begin RA training and also will be moving out of my house. I already started packing my things up. My room is so bare without all of my artsy things. I wont be leaving much behind, most of my belongings fit into one big plastic container. The rest will be stored in Josh's parent's attic probably until we're married. Mixing Josh's and my style is going to be hilarious. Complicated rainbow hippie-esque meets simple black and white asian-esque. Can't wait. Ok, got off subject.

Back to the moving out thing. It's really weird finding all of your old things forgetten and tucked away in your closet. You have to decide what goes and what will be packed away in a box everytime you move unitl you give those things to your children. My lovely, very worn out rollerblades, some pictures I took in mall photo booths when I was 12, earings I loved in 9th grade, the knee brace from my ice skating accident, even a letter I wrote to my gradmother after she passed away. Also found were some skeletons: random pictures with ex-boyfriends along with a box of love notes from most of them. I'm not sure what to do with those things. I only am compelled to keep them for the sake of making fun of all the cheesy things they say. "Honey, you've got to see what this kid wrote me in 7th grade." Sheer entertainment.

Josh and I have been together about two years Saturday. Ups, downs, loops, turns, 2 stops, 3 go's, dates with pictures, and sleeping holding pillows. More years to come...

I fear the day when I actually have to talk about everything. Then I'll be forced to say everything I'm thinking when I'm being quiet.

I'm trying so hard to make all of this work, but there are pieces missing and that's what hurts the most.

I'm looking at this as a growing experience and plan to be mindful of everything. From this point on I have to see things as they really are and not what I would romanticize them to be.

Things are what they seem and time changes nothing.

Oh, Boy Scout Camp. How I love to get away...

Sick... tired... and crying. Welcome home, E.

I'm going to bed for 23987128371 days.

I'm sad.


I'm aprehensive about camp and I don't know if it was a good decision to go this year.

I have been looking into getting into the dorms for a while with the ultimate goal of becoming a Resident Assistant (A job consisting of being in charge of a floor and getting a huge discount on the price of room and board) The problem is you have to have 1 year of community living to qualify, which I only have through a couple summers of living at a boy scout camp. I went to the director of the Residence life office to ask some questions and she said that the summer camp living would qualify me, but all the positions were filled. She also suggested that I apply anyway just in case someone drops out of the position during the summer. So I did and I turned in the application on Tuesday. Wednesday, I get a call and a request for an interview. Thursday, I go to the interview and am given the information that a position had opened up in Massie. It was a short, yet potentialy life changing interview. I now am the new RA for the 2nd floor of Massie and I couldn't be more thrilled to move out of my house.

What this means is for about $350 a month, I get a private room in Massie and a good meal plan, not to mention basic cable, wireless internet access, refridgerator, and microwave. In addition to that, I get paid $6.65 an hour and am garunteed 20 hrs a week. I also get to continue doing the LOGOS lunch and Student Government and my flag intructing at Grape Creek.

It all happened really fast. I move in on the 15th, the day after I get back from San Francisco. I'm going to probably need some help, so those of you with big cars and helping hearts be listening for me. I thank God for all of this... it's almost too good to be true.

RECAPITULATION - English 2324.030

Wow, I'm really going to miss this class. I've never had a professor tear up about the last day of class. He said we were definately in the top 5 of his favorite classes of all time, and he's been teaching for 20 some odd years. This year he won the Texas Coligiate Outstanding Professor Award, which meant lots of honor and lots of money. He deserved every penny of it.

I've never liked English. At Central it was always the class that brought down my GPA and I always regreted going to. Though I didn't know it at the time, those 3 English G/T classes would prove to be the most beneficial classes out of my entire public schooling. (Info: though I learned a lot about literature, I still have trouble with grammar and spelling as you have read in my blog for almost 2 years) It turns out, Mrs. Underwood was taking Dr. Ellery's American Lit at the time I was enrolled in her strand of American Lit at Central. When I took Dr. Ellery, I recognized some of the things that Mrs. Underwood had tought us. Essentialy, I'd already heard a lot of his opinions of the books and stories from her.

I think my favorite work in that class was The Awakening by Kate Chopin. I liked the fact the she was a strong woman and though I didn't agree with the adultry committed, I enjoyed the tragic romance of her and Robert. I liked how she defied her husband with her actions and her way of just saying "No" to things she didn't agree with. She had been a caged bird for a long time and treated like a posession for most of her life. After her eleged awakening, she began questioning her roll and defying the conformity of the time. Wow, I loved that. One of my biggest fears is being a caged bird... Edna is an inspiration. (Though I know I'd never go off and commit adultry, that's just something to read about)

So that was my favorite work, among many. "The May-pole of Merry Mount" (Hawthorne) was another good one along with "Rip Van Wrikle" (Irving). Ben Franklin's "Autobiography" was awesome. He has a ton af wonderful adages that totaly stimulate your mind. I remember reading that and being so intrigued, it just pulled you in. How can an autobiography do that? It's interesting to think of what the world would be like if we actually followed some of his principles stated in his books. It's even more interesting to think about if everyone actually followed the Bible...

Anyway, a few of the adages are "Don't put off till tomorrow what you can accomplish today" and "Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." I know you've heard them, but have you practiced them? Try it, it could lead to something life-changing. Haha, I tell you this though I've never tried it. This is all from a guy who was raised a Christian, refuted it and became a Diest, then proved Christianity to himself. Ha, again, if only others would follow his example. (not go against Christianity, but investigate it and find out why you believe it!)

All in all, that class was great and I learned myriad of new things and sharpened some old things. Mrs. McKinney, Mrs. Davis, and Mrs. Underwood did very well when teaching me all this stuff in high school.

New developments have come up. Right now I am having a very hard time deciding whether or not I'm going to live on campus . I have a the means to do so, but that would take away from my car money. So the thing is deciding between a decent car or the convenience of campus life. Also, I just got invited to be the hostess for LOGOS Lunch on Friday's at the BSM. This along with Student Senate, my job, and the Flag instructor thing is going to make my Sophomore year quite a year. On the bright side, it will all keep my mind off of Josh being away.

I feel really bad for my little sister. When I was a sophomore, I was friends with a lot of seniors. I was going to go to prom with Noe, but I decided on Darby. Darby then stood me up a week before Prom, so I ended up going with Matt Miller my sophomore year. It was great! Besides the whole getting pulled over for the first time part. Anyway, so my sister is really wanting to go to prom and she doesn't have a date. I'm even going to prom and I'm a freshman in college! So my goal for the next two days is to find someone for her to go with that is not taking her out of pitty, but out of fun. She just wants to dance!

I've been dreaming. Dreaming really odd things about people I know now in places I haven't been in years. I recently dreamt about a certain person and now I am acting differntly towards them. I act how I acted toward this person in my dream. I'm letting my relationship with this person be affected by what happened in my brain while I was unconcious. I can't go back to the way it was before because this encouneter feels so real and you can't just erase experiences from the brain (even though it didn't happen) This is completly bogus. I wish I wouldn't have had that dream at all. How and why does something like this happen? Dreaming can be detrimental to relationships sometimes. At least in the case where I can't overcome the occurance and treat it as what it was exactly: a dream.

Today is March 23rd. Josh and I have been dating for one year and eight months.

Just to inform everyone how my math is working now, I'm not counting the 2 two week incriments that I broke up with him, went off the deep end, and hurt people very much.

This blog holds my precious memories of his heartbreaking departures and joyous returns, our times of delight and saddness, and my many wrong assumptions. I'm actually pretty glad I kept this blog after evryone has pretty much abandoned theirs. There was no way I could let this thing go, I turned to this every night that summer. Heck, this blog was one of my desperate attempts to spend time with him. Of course, I didn't know how to set this thing up on my own but I couldn've asked any one of my friends to help. Nope, I had to ask Josh.

Josh is one of those enigma type guys. Thinh and Daniel would always say "he's a closed book" or "he's a robot" whenever we would try to figure out what he thought about something but wasn't saying it. He's one of those mysteries I wish I could be. I wish I could be mysterious, but I think you can read every emotion on my face and see every feeling by my body. Anyway, Josh and I complement eachother very well. I feel perfect when I'm around him, even after all these months. I'll still be saying that 50 years from now too.

Future Elizabeth: "I feel perfect when I'm around him, even after all these years."

SXSW 2005

Day One

Josh and I left for Austin about 12:00pm on Wednesday. The drive there was really mellow and peaceful. I've made that drive quite a bit in the last few years, mainly alongside Josh.. We made it to Mono and I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness, both of which were pretty freakin cool. The first band was a group of Asian instrumental rockers who were scheduled for a show with Explosions in the Sky the following day. After the show, Josh and I headed for Chuy's on Riverside. I love their chips, so yummy. We got to my cousin's house around 9 or so and got settled there. My cousin has a huge "game" room that posesses a foosball table and a projector for movies and games. It's awesome. We played Sega Soccer Slam (where Josh kicked our butts) and SSX 3 (which is my new favorite game, but I suck at it). Due to my massive headache, we headed to bed around mid-night.

Day Two

We woke up around 9 and had fresh coffee waiting for us because my cousin rules. Thinh, Juston, Amber, and Dan were on their way in from SA. Juston called me asking if I was on my rag, and unfortunately I was... along with Amber. So 100% of the females on the trip were riding the crimson wave. We met up with them at their hotel and headed for the streets of Austin. We made it to Emo's in time to see The Stars whom I enjoyed very much. Right before Pedro the Lion went on, I started to feel really queesy, then I got tunnel hearing, and then minor blackout vision. I recovered for a short time, then it happened again. I guess they were fainting spells, so I made my way put of the crowd to the bleachers to get some fresh air. I was there for about 10 minutes and felt worlds better. I made my way back up to the front just before they went on and it was great. So Dan was right, besides the fainting spells, the shpw was great. Josh and I left early to head to The Church of the Friendly Ghost to see Jennifer Gentle, but we had only a vague idea of where it was. We must've walked a good 15 blocks trying to find it, but we never did. Darn it all. We ate at Schlotzky's on Congress and met up with everyone else after that. By the way, the new Whole Foods is amazing! Later that night we met the Nintendo DS Street Team, who happened to be named Josh and Matt. Because Josh and I had our DS's out, we got free shirts and our pictures taken for headquarters. Thinh and Dan got free shirts because they rocked at Double Dash, more pictures were taken. I think the DS Street Team was the highlight of the trip. We went to Coco's for some food and tapioca bullets and Josh spit on a Catholic church. The arcade was next, and this time Chris and Lindsay met up with us. Juston accidently offended a homeless mexican and he cussed and yelled at us as he walked down the street. Soon after, Josh and I headed back to my cousin's.

Day Three

Josh, Thinh, Dan, and I headed for the Mall pretty early. I shopped and I guess they just walked around. We headed for Stubb's at noon to meet up with Josh and Matt. This time they gave us Nintendo hats. To our suprise we also met Carlos from RETRO who asked us our opinion of the new Metroid. I was like, are you kidding me? A guy who actually worked on this game is asking us how we liked it? I had to talk up the Multiplayer because it's so much fun (well, it's only fun when Josh and Justin Taylor aren't kicking my butt) After that we headed for Guadalupe and some shopping at Urban Outfitters. We finally met up with everyone else and went back to the motel for some much needed rest and stock up on feminine products. When dinner time hit, I went for Jimmy John's and everyone else hit up Coco's. If you ever go to Coco's on Guadalupe, get the Chicken Lo Mein > amazing. Shortly after we headed again for the DS street team and this time we all got visors and a Link pin. We gave them our e-mail addresses and they promised to contact us when they're going to be in Texas again. They also busted out a video camera and interviewed Amber and I. Yep, those guys were pretty cool. I guess after we left they finally got to play Thinh and Dan at Double Dash. Josh and I headed home after that. It was long drive for Josh practically alone, because I always fall asleep on the way home. I guess he found a way to keep me awake because he got me talking about planets and space in Brady and then BAM! we were in San Angelo. All in all the trip was pretty amazing. The group we had was a lot of fun and... I love Josh.

This trip really can't compare to last years because it was so different from the company to the weather. Both were a lot of fun though. I'll have MY pictures up later, I just wanted to tell about the trip now before I forget it.

Things have been phenominal. Absolutely perfect now that he's around. My life is on a steady incline since my dip into dispair at the beginning of the year and I think it's at it's peak right now. Wow, I can't belive it's already halfway through March. Now all I have to wait for is April, May, June, then July and I'll get to see him again! My word, this is tricky. I'm so glad he's home though.

When he's home, I'm home.

There have been some pretty crapy things happening for me and some pretty awesome things happening for me.

So about the third week of school I decided to go to the BSM and check it out. JoAnna has been enouraging me to do so ever since I started ASU. There I formaly met Tiffany Paige, who is in 4 of my 6 classes. Turns out we have SO much in common besides our calsses: same major, formerly flagline captains, christian, even the same exact TV. It's weird, but we're really good friends now.

Also at the BSM, I was seen by Brent Hastings who introduced himself to me about a week later in the UC. He stopped and talked to me for a while and said that he had seen me at the BSM and such. I saw him often around campus for about two weeks, then this job started. On a mail run for my new job I stopped in the UC and at the Student Government table picked up an application for the Student Senate. He happened to be walking past (because the table was right in front of the Senate's office) and said "You're interensted in Student Senate?!" It just so happens he's the Student Body Vice President. He's been helping me and giving me a lot of advice on how to get involved. He wants me to go to the meetings to make sure his ParlyPro is correct and is introducing me to the rest of the senators. I knew a few of them from class, but this whole situation is looking up. Elections will start up in April, lets hope this goes a lot better than last year's student body elections.

I have this really nice new job and I'm loving my Ballet class. My boyfriend is coming home in 4 days and I couldn't be more excited. This break has been exceptionaly bad for me. So I'm trying to focus on the blessings in my life rather than the bad stuff. Well, HE is a blessing. When I'm with him, I'm beaming. My friends are my blessings... my scholarship is a blessing... the BSM is a blessing, my nephew is a blessing. No matter how bad stuff is with my job, money, my parents, I really am blessed.

One of the Ten Commandments in the Bible is "honor thy father and thy mother." I am afraid I am guilty of this sin about 10 fold. Quite frankly, I really can't stand my parents. Many of you know the situation, but it gets worse everyday. To some of you (my infinate number of readers) it may look like I complain a lot also, but it's my blog I'll cry if I want to.

I fell like I'm always between a rock and a hard place with my mother. She seems to remind me everyday about how much I am like my father, the man who ruined her life, and that I need to be a nicer person. It's hard to be nice to her when all she does is complain to me about... me. There's no way to please that woman. I'm sick of talking to people about it, and I'm sure they're sick of hearing it so here's to blogging...

Last weekend my older sister came into town along with two of her Air Force buddies, Amber and Kera (who was pregnant.) Basically, I completely lost my room for the weekend. We all went out to lunch as a group and the girls were talking about how great it was to get out of high school and join the Air Force. My mom commented on how successful they are and said in my direction "Better than going to college and living at home, right?" I kid you not, I'll never forget the arrangement of those words. They all laughed and agreed. I felt like dying in my chair right then and there. I guess the only way I'll be successful according to my mother is joining the Air Force and getting knocked up, not going to college in pursuit of a career. Ok, I can handle that.

Then there's my dad. Won't pay child support and illegaly transeferred the title of a '69 bug out of my mother's name and into his after we moved to Texas. Now that my mother is taking away my car in July to give to Anne, my dad is trying to get me the bug from San Francisco to either sell or drive for myself. Simultaneously, my mother is trying to get me to manipulate my dad into getting the bug here, saying that I would drive it, but she inteds to sell it for herself when it/if it does get here. Talk about being in the middle.

There are a myriad of stories like this. Honestly, I find it hard to honor my father and mother.

Something about Phantom of the Opera just stood out to me like crazy the other day. I saw the movie last Saturday and I didn't cry at all while watching it. It happened only later when I was listening to the soundtrack that the words and music, without the amazing visuals, was what truly moved me. The actual emotion in the arrangement of the notes drove a few of my senses crazy.

I'm not usually prone to cry, I went an entire year without sheading a tear. Though, or some reason lately I've had a heightened sense to do so. This is not the only musical that I've cried at, when I saw Les Miserables at the State Thespian Conferrence I did so also. It wasn't the acting, or the lights or set... it was just the power of the music. I've been exposed to pretty powerful music ever since I was a very young girl living in San Francisco and it was an annual event to attend The Nutcracker Ballet. I was mezmirized. I think I still am because I've got this undying passion for classical music.

Another semester starts tomorrow and I hope it goes as fast as the last one. There are a few things I wish to change about this one though.

Go to church. I really want to actually get involved in the University Group at my church. I'm only apprehensive because they have already established their cliques (it happens to all of them). Yesterday I dreaded going to church and that is never a good sign, so that shows me I need get my relationship straight.

Get more involved. Not only in church as I stated before, but in school activities. April tryouts for Angelettes? Perhaps, probably not, but a thought. There is no reason why I shouldn't go out for student government or something like it. JoAnna keeps telling me to pledge the Christian girls soroirity, but I don't think I'm a sorority type, even a Christian one.

Meet new people. I met very few people last semester, BAD SIGN. I was closed off and cynical last semester, and I fear I'm entering this one the same way. Play nice with the kids, Elizabeth.