It's nothing that I understand


So prom is in two days. I must say I'm not as excited as I hoped I would be. I WAS excited, but lately this hasn't been the case. I've actually been resenting it a little. I know I'm going to have fun, well, I think so. It's just really hard right now. With all this "date" stuff, I can't help but desperately long for Josh to be here. More than ever I believe. I didn't even feel quite this bad on Valentine's Day for goodness sakes! I hate myself for not asking him last year when I had the opportunity. But the flip side is he always could've asked me, and if I had asked, I don't think he would've cared enough to go. I want him here, I want him here I want him here IwanthimhereIwanthimehere! So much for originality.

Then there's this awful feeling. I've been thinking a lot about how things were last year at this time compared to this year. A lot of things were different, but some things are the same. Like right this time last year I had this same feeling. It was a different situation, but why does it feel the same? It's horrible and I swore I'd never put myself in a position to hurt like this again... but here it is. It's like there's a knot in my stomach and it feels like butterflies ALL the time. But not good butterflies, the ones that make you so nervous you want to throw up and cry at the same time.. Yeah, two days and running. I never would've thought.

I'm surrounded by friends but I feel solitude at the same time. Well, maybe not solitude, but some kind of lonely for sure. I don't know how it's possible to always associate one thing to everything all the time, but I do and it feels like an instinct. I wonder if this is the case on that side? GAW, and that damn song had to come on just now! I don't want to think about last summer right now. I give up.