what doesn't kill you...

I'm not dead, but that might feel better. I'm just the weakest I've EVER been.

I'm trying though, I really am. I still get out of bed every morning, though I don't want to. I still go to work, and I still eat a little... I've alive, but definitely NOT living. I think I've turned into one of those empty-shell people. The one's you meet in life and you just see the shadows under their eyes and ask yourself "What the heck happened to you along the way?" I'm one of them now.

I'm usually pretty good at finding some sort of optimism in times of distress and I've always been able to pull myself up and out of it, but this time it's way different. I'm not just stuck, I'm trapped. I have no way out until sometime in June, but even then, where can I possibly go? My sister is likely moving to Austin. I have NO idea where my boyfriend will be. I can't do what I'm doing now for another year or two, I know it's just not a possibility.

It's very scary being in such a dark place. So dark that some dreams/nightmares I've been having seem like such a relief if they would just come true. I can't get myself to type the rest of what I'm saying here. I thought I'd be able to handle this better. I thought I'd be stronger. I thought I was a good girlfriend. I can't think of any redeeming qualities I even have left anymore. I'm really a shell of who I used to be and I don't foresee getting out of that state. I don't know how!