confidence - and lack there of

I don't understand why I am so scared of everything. I wish I could be the person who goes with the flow, and is easy about everything. But that's where I get into trouble. I keep trying to be the person I want to be, or think I should be, but that's not the essence of who I am.

Here is what I know myself to be: I am not confident in myself and I really don't think I deserve a lot of the things given to me. I am constantly thinking ahead, and planning for what I think is coming. I even think of plan B, C, and D. I have to get good grades because I know I am capable of it if I just commit and work hard for it. I would rather write things than talk about them for the fear of being viewed as crazy. I hate that I am too scared to talk about what is really bothering me. I wish I was, but am not the kind of person who can be alone and be okay with it.

Most importantly, I realize that I am scared of a lot of things that I have no control over. I need help with a lot more things than I am willing to ask for. In that regard, when they find out all of this, they tend to run. I can't blame them either.