Wow... dealing with this is actually really hard. It just seems like every long term thing I plan on falls apart terribly. For the past two years I've been planning on living in this wonderful house with Ashlin. We planned everything, I picked out the kitchen floor, my bathroom colors, my room carpet, the theme in our kitchen. I even got us a microwave. It all looked so promising, but a month before we moved in it all went to pieces (by means completely out of our control.) Two years of work and planning all shot to hell.

Then this other wonderful opportunity presents itself: 4play House. My 3 best girlfriends and a huge house, all for the price a little out of my reach. I may have looked like a total baby, crying for hours that night, but I knew I couldn't live on a unsteday, unreliable $30 left over after bills a month. If there's one thing I've learned in 19 years on this earth it's life is totally unpredictable and throws suprises (mostly bad suprises) all the time. I mean, two years of planning a house out the window! I hate it. I hate it so much that I can't live the way I want to live. I want to be in that house more than anything right now. I guess no one really knows how much this is all affecting me. I can't bring myself to go back to that house. I haven't been there since Lauren showed us that night and I imagined my perfect little bedroom... all on my own... away from my owners. I really am happy for them, they're going to have so much fun! I hear their packing stories but can't help wishing it were me looking for boxes and trucks. It's everything a college girl could ever want and I'm watching it happen. I know it looks like I may be victimizing myself, but I'm just so dissapointed about this. I tell myself I can work hard and get my own apartment soon, but I know with buying a car that's not going to happen for a really long time. Plus, I recently got layed off so I'm currently seeking other employment. It's so disheartening. I guess the only thing I can say about my underlying feelings of this week is utterly and completely crushed.