One of the Ten Commandments in the Bible is "honor thy father and thy mother." I am afraid I am guilty of this sin about 10 fold. Quite frankly, I really can't stand my parents. Many of you know the situation, but it gets worse everyday. To some of you (my infinate number of readers) it may look like I complain a lot also, but it's my blog I'll cry if I want to.

I fell like I'm always between a rock and a hard place with my mother. She seems to remind me everyday about how much I am like my father, the man who ruined her life, and that I need to be a nicer person. It's hard to be nice to her when all she does is complain to me about... me. There's no way to please that woman. I'm sick of talking to people about it, and I'm sure they're sick of hearing it so here's to blogging...

Last weekend my older sister came into town along with two of her Air Force buddies, Amber and Kera (who was pregnant.) Basically, I completely lost my room for the weekend. We all went out to lunch as a group and the girls were talking about how great it was to get out of high school and join the Air Force. My mom commented on how successful they are and said in my direction "Better than going to college and living at home, right?" I kid you not, I'll never forget the arrangement of those words. They all laughed and agreed. I felt like dying in my chair right then and there. I guess the only way I'll be successful according to my mother is joining the Air Force and getting knocked up, not going to college in pursuit of a career. Ok, I can handle that.

Then there's my dad. Won't pay child support and illegaly transeferred the title of a '69 bug out of my mother's name and into his after we moved to Texas. Now that my mother is taking away my car in July to give to Anne, my dad is trying to get me the bug from San Francisco to either sell or drive for myself. Simultaneously, my mother is trying to get me to manipulate my dad into getting the bug here, saying that I would drive it, but she inteds to sell it for herself when it/if it does get here. Talk about being in the middle.

There are a myriad of stories like this. Honestly, I find it hard to honor my father and mother.

Something about Phantom of the Opera just stood out to me like crazy the other day. I saw the movie last Saturday and I didn't cry at all while watching it. It happened only later when I was listening to the soundtrack that the words and music, without the amazing visuals, was what truly moved me. The actual emotion in the arrangement of the notes drove a few of my senses crazy.

I'm not usually prone to cry, I went an entire year without sheading a tear. Though, or some reason lately I've had a heightened sense to do so. This is not the only musical that I've cried at, when I saw Les Miserables at the State Thespian Conferrence I did so also. It wasn't the acting, or the lights or set... it was just the power of the music. I've been exposed to pretty powerful music ever since I was a very young girl living in San Francisco and it was an annual event to attend The Nutcracker Ballet. I was mezmirized. I think I still am because I've got this undying passion for classical music.

Another semester starts tomorrow and I hope it goes as fast as the last one. There are a few things I wish to change about this one though.

Go to church. I really want to actually get involved in the University Group at my church. I'm only apprehensive because they have already established their cliques (it happens to all of them). Yesterday I dreaded going to church and that is never a good sign, so that shows me I need get my relationship straight.

Get more involved. Not only in church as I stated before, but in school activities. April tryouts for Angelettes? Perhaps, probably not, but a thought. There is no reason why I shouldn't go out for student government or something like it. JoAnna keeps telling me to pledge the Christian girls soroirity, but I don't think I'm a sorority type, even a Christian one.

Meet new people. I met very few people last semester, BAD SIGN. I was closed off and cynical last semester, and I fear I'm entering this one the same way. Play nice with the kids, Elizabeth.

So Josh started class today. I pray everything is going well for him today.

I'd give anything to be there with him right now, but I know this is for the best. No matter how hard it is, the distance is good for us both. This way we can each focus on our studies and not be distracted be eachother. Though I fear my desire to write e-mails, send letters, and call him more than makes up for the time I'd spend with him. Nope, nevermind, scratch that. Really, the distance is good when we're both focusing on school. Soon enough we'll be together.

On a side note, I have an interview with Glenn Junior High today. Hopefully I'll be hired as a counselor's clerk. I try not to get my hopes up with such things because I don't want to be let down, but I can't help but really want this. You would too if it was a choice between this and SITEL!

I wish every girl was as blessed as I. The security of being with the man I know I'm going to marry is so calming. I dont' have to worry about my future because with him I know I'll be fine. I feel safe, secure, proud, and very happy. No words can describe this, it's impossible to put on paper. But the best things are always indescribable.

And to think 5 months ago, I almost gave it all up.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday, Christmas naturally being my first. I love it. I really like being with my family. If I haven't emphasized it enough, family is really REALLY important to me. Thanksgiving is one of the only times when I get to see my Aunt and Uncle from Arizona, and my Aunt and Uncle (sadly) from San Angelo. Not to mention my cousin, and this year he's bringing his new wife!

Tonight was really bittersweet. Krista is in town, so I left my friends at the Lighthouse early. I came home to an empty house. I've been pretty emotional and sensitive lately and it seems like everything (including being yelled at in jest) makes want to break down and cry. Well, with this I guess the build up of my stresses, the house thing, and probably something to do with Flo, I started crying.

When everyone finally did come home after about an hour, Krista, Anne, my mother, and myslef ended up in Anne's room listening to the Garden State soundtrack. It was good having the "girls" together again. We really only listened to the soundtrack for one song, "Blue Eyes." It was played at my sister's friend's funeral. His sister picked it out for him, along with a few other memorable ones like "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" which was the song of his graduating year. I can't even imagine anyone close to me dying, much less my brother or sister! If you don't know the story of Brandon and the stabbings, ask me later. I can't write that all here. It was my sister's friend, Kristen's brother. He was murdered October 19 of this year. Now Kristen is the only child left of the 4 in the family. Her younger brother, Jeremy, died in March 2003 from a freak four-wheeling accident. Her oldest brother died when she was 4, from a freak motorcycle accident, and her dad died of a heart-attache when she was 6. Needless to say, her mother and her have been through a lot and please pray for them this Thanksgiving.

After we were all teary-eyed from that we moved onto a more personal, yet similar experience or ours. We started talking about Christian. I was only 13 when he died and it's really hard to think about "if" he had lived. I would have a 5 year-old nephew to teach baseball to. My sister was only 17, but she was still his mother. I can't imagine the grief she felt, I don't remember really seeing it because I was going through my parent's divorce and my dad leaving. She talked tonight about how when she dreams of him, she's always trying to save him from something like an illness or danger. My God, it hurts to imagine me loosing a child like that. I see Krista now in the Air Force and it's hard to believe what we all went through that year.

Those events, along with some other events today, made me cry a gallon of tears. I'm not sad about anything really, just scared and confused with some traces of numbness. In 10 hours I have Thanksgiving to share with Josh and his family, then later Josh (hopefully) and my family. I'm trying to forget everything that has happened to me within the past few months, and be truely thankful for the life I do have and the someone special I share it with.

Wow... dealing with this is actually really hard. It just seems like every long term thing I plan on falls apart terribly. For the past two years I've been planning on living in this wonderful house with Ashlin. We planned everything, I picked out the kitchen floor, my bathroom colors, my room carpet, the theme in our kitchen. I even got us a microwave. It all looked so promising, but a month before we moved in it all went to pieces (by means completely out of our control.) Two years of work and planning all shot to hell.

Then this other wonderful opportunity presents itself: 4play House. My 3 best girlfriends and a huge house, all for the price a little out of my reach. I may have looked like a total baby, crying for hours that night, but I knew I couldn't live on a unsteday, unreliable $30 left over after bills a month. If there's one thing I've learned in 19 years on this earth it's life is totally unpredictable and throws suprises (mostly bad suprises) all the time. I mean, two years of planning a house out the window! I hate it. I hate it so much that I can't live the way I want to live. I want to be in that house more than anything right now. I guess no one really knows how much this is all affecting me. I can't bring myself to go back to that house. I haven't been there since Lauren showed us that night and I imagined my perfect little bedroom... all on my own... away from my owners. I really am happy for them, they're going to have so much fun! I hear their packing stories but can't help wishing it were me looking for boxes and trucks. It's everything a college girl could ever want and I'm watching it happen. I know it looks like I may be victimizing myself, but I'm just so dissapointed about this. I tell myself I can work hard and get my own apartment soon, but I know with buying a car that's not going to happen for a really long time. Plus, I recently got layed off so I'm currently seeking other employment. It's so disheartening. I guess the only thing I can say about my underlying feelings of this week is utterly and completely crushed.

Waking up in an unfamiliar bed: really strange

Waking up to a very familiar face: really amazing

Since I don't really have a radio in my car, I spend my time thinking when I'm driving around. Today I was thinking about how many people hate their jobs and wish they were doing something else with their lives. I bet about 75% of the working class of America really don't enjoy doing what they do. I'm pretty scared that's going to be me one day.

I'm still having trouble figuring out what it is that I want to do. I have ideas and such, but pinpointing anything is a real challenge for me. My biggest fear is wasting time in college. Am I majoring in the right field here? Should I go business or teaching? I've had plan after plan, but my fickle bone keeps rattling. Previously my plan was to graduate in 3 years, do the alternative teaching bit, and then settle. Now I'm thinking going to sumer school to graduate early is a waste of time and energy also. Why settle for 12 hours in two summer terms when I can get at least 15 done during the long semesters? Plus, what about graduate school? A Master's Degree is a really nice thing to have.

Through it all one thing is for sure, I think I can pretty much work a 9-5 anywhere as long as I have that to come home to everynight. Now that I have this, I really want other's to have it too (thier own version of it of course.) Talk about "sharing the love."

Today after class I went to Town & Country to buy a cappicino. I noticed a really big black truck in the parking lot with a huge sticker on the back reading "HEMI." As I parked I also noticed that the people in and around the truck were all Marines. I parked my little Honda and headed for the entrance. That was when I heard the truck reving up like crazy. I turned to see what that was all about, and one of them was looking at me and said "How you doin'?" in that ridiculous fake italian accent. I was appalled. I was at loss for words so I just raised my eyebrows and went inside. What did they want from that, a girly giggle and a flirty smile? At first I felt bad for being rude because I'm a huge supporter of service men and I'm usually the person who sticks up for these guys. They then started reving up the "hemi" again more and more and I instantly lost my guilt. Do girls actually react positivly to that? If yes, what kind of girl could have such low self respect to go fo a guy who thinks they could use a machine a braun to attract you? Maybe I'm just a cruel heartless unappreciative b****, but honestly mister, I'm not impressed with your big truck and suave words. Have a little respect for a girl, huh?

Pain is essential to life.

When you lose someone you love , you feel your heart ache for a very long time. This is a true, real, physical pain. Your memories are then connected to your pain. Things you smell, songs you hear, sights you see, all trigger memories which then triggers your pain. You come to a realization though. They may have passed, but you're alive. You're alive and blessed with the option to keep on living.

Why do you think people say "pinch me" when they think they're dreaming? It brings you back to life. If we couldn't feel pain, we would have died off in the days of Eden. Young Cain says to young Abel, "Hey, go jump off that cliff. It'll be fun." Abel, knowing nothing of the fatality of the fall, would jump. There would've been no need for a murder later on in life, right?

So when the pain of heartache consumes you, you begin to feel everything. You're more alive than ever when you're in pain. It's the only time you know you're truly living. Pain is essential to life.

I was sitting in the Lighthouse one day and the song "You Always Say Goodnight" came on. I felt a rush of cold and then hot and then a complete mood change. It was like a memory was literally washing over me and sending me and my surroundings back to the past. I really saw and felt around this time one year ago. It was very surreal. The term surreal actually fits very appropriately here. I thought of the things that were going on in my life at that time, then I lost myself in my memories. When I finally came out of my trance and my world of today came back to me, I felt kind of sad. Day by day things keep getting harder and harder, but you've always got to look forward to something. The things I was looking forward a year ago I'm beginning to look forward to again. Things really do come full circle and you will be content with everything... eventually.

This is Elizabeth screaming:



OK.

So now I'm in College. College is really amazing. Seriously, I'm overjoyed to be here everyday even with all the Algebra homework and the History reading. Making the transition was suprisingly easy, just like moving from Edison to Central. The most ironic thing now is that I've seen Ashlin around campus more in these few days than I ever saw her in 3 years of high school. It was great, Monday morning the first person I run into is her. I even changed her schedule for her and we both call eachother in the mornings to make sure we got up for our 8:00 classes. It's wonderful.

No one ever meant to hurt anyone here. He never meant to hurt me. I was protecting him. I never meant to hurt him. The "R" word has absolutely nothing to do with it, that word isn't even in my vocabulary. I still don't know what words to say to prove that to you. It's just realizing that heart strings are stronger than the strongest steel and my heart is still firmly attatched, even though I thought I wasn't.

All I can offer you is I'm sorry, I'm sorry, a thousand times I'm sorry.

I thought a "me time" weekend would be beneficial to me figuring myslef out, but it's just proved to be more detrimental than helpful. Last night I spent an hour with my Bible and previous journals to help me out.


God give me grace.


"Be still, and know that I Am God..."
~Psalms 46:10

There are times when I get so frustrated I want to scream. This is one of those times. I wish I could figure myself out.

I'm just going to take a second and say wow. Only because I am at a total loss for any other words.

So it's my last night here with my darling baby cousin. I have to say I'm quite sad to have to leave a part of my family here. Ryan, Brandy, and Bryce are so much a part of me, it's so hard to let them go! I cried a lot tonight. My brother comforted me, but he cried as well. He moved out at 17 and I've seen him 4 times since then: Graduation, Wedding, Christmas '02, Summer '04. That's not enough for me, I love my brother! I remember he taught me basketball in our backyard in summer of 1997. He also taught me all I know about tennis, and I'm a bad ass tennis player. (it's my journal, I have bragging rights)

Family is way too important to me and if he and my nephew are here, then this is where I need to be. Of course, I'll finish ASU but I have to consider a career here. Family is SO important to me. I want to see his little league and soccer games (maybe he'll paly on the Kara Soccer Team, jsut one non-Kara) and be here to embarrass him in front of his girlfriend when I tell her I gave him a bath at 5 months. My brother and sisters are SO VERY important to me. I am blessed.

There are a few people I really want to know better. I want to know why they think the way they do, why they have certain manerisms, what they think about issues and such. I guess intimacy is really important to me, and who can you be more intimate with than your friends? No matter what, I always find that the people I know best still suprise me. And it's wonderful.

Why is it that people are scared of intimacy? A lot of stuff people talk about to eachother is just a lot of nothing, meaningless coversation. I mean, I want to ask and be asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" (because we only think we're grown up now, but there's a lot more coming) and "What are your dreams?" Even if we don't follow them, we still have dreams. I want to be a dancer. I bet you didn't know that. I also want to be a devoted house wife. I bet you didn't know that either.


Stuff has really been bothering me lately. I know I just graduated and it seems like we we're just launched into the future. Our future, the one we're going to create all on our own. I've had my sights set on ASU ever since I got my scholarship, and I've had my sights set on a communications degree since sophomore year. But do I really want that? Maybe I don't think it's going to challenge me or something, like I'm taking a cop out major.

I look at what other people are doing and I'm in awe. I mean, Mehmet is a biochemistry major. How awesome is that! And he's such a wonderful person to be around. Then there's Thinh, he's going to major in business, and work for Nintendo! Again, that's so awesome. I've spent enough time with him to know his dreams. And then Josh, who amazes me most. He's going to start a job in three weeks. A great job, too, one that some San Angeloans would really dream of. Look at what he's done in a year. Just jump up and go to another state leaving family, friends, and girlfriend behind to study Electrical Engineering at a wonderful university. He's done well for himself.

I'm scared. I can admit it. I don't know what I want, typical feeling of a teenager. For me, future planning is essential. Have you seen my planner? Knowing that I don't know what I'm doing scares the crap out of me.

Wow, looks like I needed to pour a lot of bottled up stuff out. I wish I had aim here because talking to people would really be nice right about now. Don't search this post for grammar mistakes. I know there are plenty and I already know I'm really bad at it so there's no use telling me. Why don't we start with the stuff that really matters, huh?

It got up to about 108 yesterday, and I loved it.

I didn't love the harassment over dinner yesterday. This has been a relentless struggle for weeks, but I can't help my feelings and they don't understand that. I knew I was gonna get a talkin-to by my brother, but I didn't realize how serious he was about it. I'm pretty defensive about it because it is my life and I choose what I choose.

I can't bare the 6 days left though. At least I can't wait to see him, but I'm not too sure how it is on the other end.

Oh yeah, and that "thing that came up", the "something's happened"... well, it won't go away. I've been hanging out with some pretty cool people lately and they make me feel amazing. It's amazing how it feels to spend time with people that really care about you.

OH MY GOSH, I HAVE THE CUTEST NEPHEW IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Seriously, no other baby even compares...

So I got here around 8:00 my time, 6:00 Pheonix time and met my brother in the airport. Driving on the highway through Pheonix I saw Sun Devil Stadium and fantasized about going to Arizona State like I planned when I was 10 years old. Not going to happen, but I'm a dreamer.

We pulled into the driveway and Brandi met us with the baby. Bryce has got my brother's everything, but his mother's big bright blue eyes. His smile is huge and he giggles when you blow on his stomach. I love babies... I want like 7 or 12 or something. After wathcing him play for a while we all gave him a bath and fed him, then put him to bed. After that, we all got into the awesome pool they have in their back yard and swam for a really long time. Pheonix weather is REALLY hot, but it's a dry heat so it's manageable. It was about 80 degrees outside at 10:00, then it started raining. Huge cold wet drops falling all around us in the pool. Wouldn've been really romantic in the right company, but there I go again being a hopeless romantic. The hot tub was quite enjoyable, too. Just think, in a few months I'll have one of my own! (well, sharing with Ashlin and Lauren of course.)

Now it's 1:30 am according to my body clock, so sleep is much needed. I feel really terrible though, my sinus infection is killing me! My ears still haven't popped from the plane ride so I guess that shot didn't exactly help anything.

Brandi is a really cool sister-in-law. She's going to take us shopping at the Chandler Fasion Center tomorrow, so that should be great. I've saved a little money for school clothes, but I doubt I'll get anything these city folk call "fashionable." I want a new pair of reef sandals and a new pair of chucks. That's all. Haha, walking around here with nothing but a bikini is awesome.

Now once again, something's happened. I've been hanging out with some really cool people lately and it's put me on a huge emotional high that I don't want to wear off. Thanks for all the fun, don't ever let it stop. This is the happiest I've been in weeks!

What a freakin' crazy day. A rather big unexpected suprise showed up on my doorstep and I don't have a clue as to who sent it or why. I really really don't like the looks of it, though.

Happy Belated Birthday,  Blog.

So the same thing happens everynight. I get in around 12 or 1, read for an hour, and then force myself into the dark trying to fall asleep.  Camomile tea usually knocks me out, but no more. Something's come up. There's no hope for sleep right now... I'm thinking too damn much.

I am furious with myself.

I constantly find myself getting bullied into things that I don't want to do. I end up just going along with it to make whoever it is happy, while I act like I'm having a great time. There's this one person that gets me everytime all the time and I'm furious about it. Of course not at them, but at me because I'm the one that just won't stick up for myslef. GRRRRRrrrrrrrr. It happened to me tonight, but I swear I will be defiant next time. I swear it.

I lied. I do feel something for it. I realized today that the days are numbered in the teens and my stomache lurched with anticipation. I was suprised at myself, I haven't felt the butterflies in a while. This is a good sign.

Twelve hour shift + lack of gas + being really tired = didn't go to Dan's party
 
The fact that everyone was drunk there by the time I got off work didn't exactly make me very enthused about going. I had been planning it all week, but when Thinh mentioned the possibility of boose, I hesitated. The fact that I'm an 18 year old who backed out of a party that had alcohol makes me a huge pansy... or maybe not. I don't feel comfortable around people who are drinking, and I don't think I ever will. The way Thinh turns red, the way Lauren's eyes flash, the way Nick goes limp, the way Juston laughs uncontrolably, I just can't help but hate seeing my friends like that. What is the point of it anyway?
 
21 days doesn't seem so far way... but then again it looks way far off. I don't even feel anyhting for it anymore.

So I guess you really can tell something's wrong. Thinh brought it up this time, "I can just tell." I can't exactly deny it, but I at least try not to make it obvious. My mother has said something about it at least everyday this week. It's bad enough that my entire family has changed their opinion on this, but 90% of my friends have too. How many mistakes can this girl make... just one more, I think.

Boy Scout Camp, San Antonio, Church Camp, Home, HEB Camp, Arizona

This summer has been rather strange. When I got back from camp, a series of crazy events happened and all I wanted to do was stay away from it all. When my sister Krista comes, our world just goes to crap. I get kicked out of my room and the house gets very messy and everyone is really busy doing stuff. The day she left I thought it would go back to normal, but instead my world got crazier. Due to a ridicluous arguement on the phone and a series of minute past instances, my mother kicked me out of my house. So I left, and she then calls my cell phone every other hour demmanding to know where I am and that she's realy worried. I knew my mom was crazy, but this was just over the deep end. Fortunately I didn't have to deal with it because my cell phone was on vibrate and I didn't get the messages till morning. Whatever... I went back the next day and everyting was fine. Possibly the stupidest thing my family has ever done.

So I get to work at the Lighthouse everynight this week and I am very pleased with that fact. More money is good. I've been driving around after work with Thinh till almost 12:30 everynight talking about... well, problems. Seems right now all possiblities for a solution point to someting that I don't want to do, though it seems inevitable. I've been patient for a long time, and waiting a little longer doesn't seem that hard right now.

I'm quite discontent with livejournal and blogger right now. I seem to be missing the point of all this, why do we do this again?

Things happen that really make you not want to take anything for granted. Especially family. I'm sorry all of this had to happen to the Johnsons, and I'm SO glad Emily is doing alright.

-Addition to Yesterday-

There have been a lot of future plans that I have changed within the past few weeks. I had a plan, but it depended on something I thought might happen but doesn't look so promising anymore. Man, I liked that plan... it was beautiful. Oh well.

So now I'm just looking for a way out. One road straight out of San Angelo. I'm going to apply for every internship or job I can find that corresponds with my department. I'll take anything: magazine, newspaper, televison, radio... anything! My ambition has been hybernating the past 2 years and it's about to break out into ludicrous speed. I've got a Band scholarship interview/try out coming up this week and I'm gonna get it because I'm miss positive attitude!

I've pretty much figured I'm no longer a part of anyone elses future so it's only me on my own. God, please help me to see what you've got planned for me!

I've been reading the old posts in journals and blogs of the people who graduated last year just to get some insight on how they were feeling. Some things were different, but the basic feeling is (including me) excitement, sadness, and a little bit of fear.

The truth is I'm really looking forward to college. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I want the higher level thinking, the challenges, the hard work, the fun. At least my friends will still be here to experience everything with me.

My sister asked me yesterday what I regret most about my years in high school. My number one thing was that one New Year's Eve party I went to my sophomore year. I got drunk for the first time and forevermore I have to say, "Yeah, I drank in high school." That just kills me. Other than that I have the usual regrets: wish I would've studied harder, wish I would've made more friends, wish I would've been more particular about the boys I got involved with, wish I would've made more meaningful relationships with my friends, etc.

With graduation approaching I start thinking back on my senior year and how it went. The only thing I would change is having my boyfriend here to share it with me. But then again, I wouldn't have been able to go on that wonderful trip back in November, so... Obviously, that can't change and all in all I think my senior year was great! Full of RANDOM fun and befriending RANDOM people.

FOR MY SAKE, FAKE IT!.... Please?

It's nothing that I understand


So prom is in two days. I must say I'm not as excited as I hoped I would be. I WAS excited, but lately this hasn't been the case. I've actually been resenting it a little. I know I'm going to have fun, well, I think so. It's just really hard right now. With all this "date" stuff, I can't help but desperately long for Josh to be here. More than ever I believe. I didn't even feel quite this bad on Valentine's Day for goodness sakes! I hate myself for not asking him last year when I had the opportunity. But the flip side is he always could've asked me, and if I had asked, I don't think he would've cared enough to go. I want him here, I want him here I want him here IwanthimhereIwanthimehere! So much for originality.

Then there's this awful feeling. I've been thinking a lot about how things were last year at this time compared to this year. A lot of things were different, but some things are the same. Like right this time last year I had this same feeling. It was a different situation, but why does it feel the same? It's horrible and I swore I'd never put myself in a position to hurt like this again... but here it is. It's like there's a knot in my stomach and it feels like butterflies ALL the time. But not good butterflies, the ones that make you so nervous you want to throw up and cry at the same time.. Yeah, two days and running. I never would've thought.

I'm surrounded by friends but I feel solitude at the same time. Well, maybe not solitude, but some kind of lonely for sure. I don't know how it's possible to always associate one thing to everything all the time, but I do and it feels like an instinct. I wonder if this is the case on that side? GAW, and that damn song had to come on just now! I don't want to think about last summer right now. I give up.

OF COURSE IT WAS JUST A JOKE!

I would NEVER do that to the love of my life.


THE TRUE STORY, PLEASE CARE ENOUGH TO READ... SOME FUNNY AHH SHII:

What happened was I pulled up to the Lighthouse around 8ish and everyone was outside hanging out by the cars. Then Troy (who happens to be one of my long time friends and prom date) pulls up and comes to talk to me. So we're talking about the trip he went on last weekend to Denver with ASU ROTC and he was SO excited to tell me about the cool people he met from PURDUE. Also on the trip they gave the cadets free swing dancing lessons, so he wanted to teach me for prom. So during all this, we hear small shouts of "Two timing slut" and "Dirty Hoebag" and "Remember Josh" and "I'm calling him right now" and all that jazz. Then it gets worse... we were still talking when Thinh started sneaking up to behind the truck we were standing in front of. We were doing our best to ignore the comments, but a "bug" was just ridiculous. All of this sudden everyone is sneaking around us in all directions and we were surrounded.

Then all of this sudden, everyone breaks out and runs into three seperate cars and the drive away. Two minutes later they all pull up on three sides of us and all turn on their brights. This was getting out of hand. Still, we ignored and kept talking about stuff. Finally, the big moment came when Pablo, Nick, and Juston run up and grab me from behind and carry me to Thinh's awaiting trunk. The trunk slams with me in it, then 4 other doors slam and the car goes into gear with voices yelling "We're going to Indiana, stay away from her f*cker!" It speeds off with me, Thinh, Lauren, Pablo, Juston, and Nick all inside. Then about 2 minutes and a TON of screaming later, they stop the car and throw me out of the trunk into the street and drive off. I was SO disoriented, I didn't know what street I was on, but I just started running towards the nearest street sign. Avenue K and Pierce, about 3 blocks from the Lighthouse. I continue running back to the LH. I get to the alley and then the Echo drives up behind me with them still screaming nasty, nasty stuff. I get to the parking lot again to see Troy there with a look on his face that suggests he didn't know whether to laugh or run away. "I'm going to go ahead and go ok?" he says. I say back (out of breath) "Sure thing, see you later." And that was it.

There was no kissing, no "laughing, touching, tasting" or "kiss of lust and love." Leave it to all of them to create the drama. The rest of the night I was referred to as SLUT, HOEBAG, and WHORE. All in all, it was in fun and hilarious.

Josh, I love you so much and I would never do anything like that. You know that. I love you, I love you, a thousand times I love you.

So my sister is in San Antonio now. Good bye my dear Krista, see you this weekend :)

I'm living a pretty boring life right now. My day consists of battling my alarm clock at 6:30, getting through hell, working out after hell, sometimes working, sometimes doing homework, failing miserably trying to think up interesting things to tell Josh so he might still be interested in me, then drowning myslef in tea trying to get to sleep. If there's a point to this so called life I don't get it yet.

So my sister is home and it's awesome being with her again. She's such a joy to be around... and she swears like a sailor, it's hilarious. So far I've spent the weekend eating, laughing, watching movies, and reflecting on my childhood. My sister always reveals stuff that I did when I was little that I've completely forgotten about now. Like trying to make a dogsled team with my boxer, a leash, and a saucer sled. I ended up in a ditch. Also, trying to prove that the ice over pond was strong enough to hold me and my awesome powers. It wasn't strong enough. I vividly remember that day, now that she brings it up.

The big thing is her remembering my medical history. She distinctly remembers me having anemia as a young child and taking iron pills for it. I don't remember a lick of it, but of course I was like 3. Apparently I took them til I was about 8 or so, but all I remember is taking vitamins and such everyday. With the results of my cancer test and such, along came the yellow flag on my reb blood cell count being slightly lower than normal, a.k.a anemia. Haha, my mom didn't even remember I had a history of it till my sister said something. You think you'd remember that about your child? Oh well, it sure explains a lot though. Me catching every cold that goes around and being sick almost ALL the time ( i know what you're thinking, white blood cells would be associated with this, right? but doc says it's not only the getting sick, but the duration of the sickness). Also, Josh would know this more than anyone, me getting rediculously cold very easy. Although, weight loss and loss of appetite is associated with anemia... it's apparent that that is not a symptom of mine, darn the luck. The good thing is I don't have to take pills for it. Just eat more iron rich foods. That won't be bad, I love spinach.

The Lighthouse is always better on rainy days. The atmosphere is hazy and dark, like a memory is trying to appear again.

This month is so full of stuff. It's going to be great. Upcoming events include Christmas in April, Dinner Theatre, Church Easter Musical, UIL, end of final counted 6 weeks, my sister moves back to the states, Easter, Winter Guard competition, stay at home in the mornings for a week because of TAKS testing, Prom, Corpus Christi Trip, Josh's 19th birthday, and him coming home. So much fun... all in a month!

I really do like my job, especially since I've experienced others that are worse. It's just the little things that irk me, like th fact that he never posts the schedule the same time every week and how we opened with 20 employees and now have 8 and we're all still getting 12 hours a week.

Thank you, Bailey Browder for your persuasive skills and thank you Mrs. Mckinney for being easily persuaded. Our test on 1984 is now on Monday, so I can actually READ the book now as opposed to skimming it w/spark notes. I'm on page forty-something and it's really good. Dystopias give me the creeps.

I had a very weird weekend. Not that weird things happened, just that I had a very weird feeling all weekend. Unfortunately it all started with UIL, and I don't know why I let all that stupid stuff bother me so much. Maybe because last week I was an emotional wreck and it seemed like everything was amplified. At work Saturday night I felt so unstable and I REALLY needed someone to talk to, but of course being at work didn't exactly give me a chance to do that. When there was some down time, I ended up "talkng" to Josh through this 3 page letter. I wrote him 3 pages on why everything was bothering me and how I felt about things. I don't think I'm going to send it though, it looked to me like whinning after I read through it. It was just nice to vent, even if it was in a letter that I'll never send. It was almost like he was listening, but in reality had no idea anyhting was wrong. Writing is probably the best way for me to let out feelings, I see that now and I need to do it more often. It all comes down to me having an identity crisis that has gone on since the beginning of the summer. Of course every teenager goes through it, so that just means I'm normal. Senior year is an emotional roller coaster... you turn 18, you decide what college you want to go to, you prepare for college and leaving home... it's jsut really hard on the psychie. Of course, the former 2 things I mentioned I'm not even going through, though I wish I was. But it all boils down to how you view yourself and appreciating yourself, something I need to work on. So loving others helps you to love yourself, which helps you to love others more. It's a win win situation. That Jesus fellow had this mastered.


And I must say Thank You.

I just got back from Abilene. I competed in the UIL Current Events thingy and Literary Critizism. Both were very difficult and I hate myself for signing up for it. Surrounded by all those people competing I just kept feeling like I DID NOT belong at all. I mean, is there anything that I'm actually good at, instead of just mediocre? After the tests I was sitting there thinking about what my fortes are, trying to comfort my own broken spirit. I couldn't think of anything. Maybe I should change that.

Well, my friend's brother committed suicide two days ago. What is it with this lately? I don't even know what to think about Josh and Kevin. Those bastards should get the same treatment. I just want to scream! I didn't see the video, and I don't want to. I know I'd be sick. In the words of the anonymous guy on Daniel's phone, what the fsck!

I took a really hard economics essay test today. I've about had it with school. I'm ready to get my butt out of there already. Graduation can't come too soon. Even though I'm accepted to ASU and I've been planning to go there since forever, there's a little part of me that wants to do something really drastic. Like save a whole bunch of money and just leave Texas and not come back. Of course I'll never have the guts to do it, but it's fun to think about. Maybe I'll just be a stuardess so I can travel. Apparently it's considered the second sexiest occupation, second only to Nurses and Doctors. Whatever. I'll be done in 2 months and Amber and I can stop complaing about Central and start whinning about ASU.

National Honors Society Ceremony tonight. Joy joy joy. I'll be sure to use a lot of hairspray to increase me chances of my hair catching on fire. Yay!

I found out some really bad news yesterday that affected me deeply. Someone VERY close to me was checked into a Psychiatric Ward on "Suicide Observation." Apparently she's been cutting for months now and hears voices that tell her to do things. She cut herself deeper than usual the other day, and was sent away yesterday. I grew up with her, Easters, Thanksgivings... Anniversarys... Weddings... Birthdays. I don't understand. I don't understand how someone can just change like that and all of this sudden want to end their life. Everyone has hard times... EVERYONE. But some problems affect people more than they would other people. I know some of her problems, and I don't think I would be able to handle them either, but suicide? I told my mom last night that maybe she should come live with us and get into a more stable environment (though lately it hasn't been very stable, but anything's better than where she is.) We're going to discuss it after spring break. I hope the intervention jolted it out of her.

I want... my parents to be parents.

I have... too much negativity in my life.

I regret... not being there for people when they needed me most.

I wish... I could stay young forever.

I love... Josh.

I hate... unecessary rudeness and sarcasm.

I miss... California and my childhood innocence.

I fear... solitude.

I hear... my prayers echoing in my head.

I search for... a way to not be disgusted with my actions.

I am thankful... for you.

I would change... my physical appearance.

I am glad... that I am healthy.

I need... some reassurance, a hug, and some genuine tender loving care.

I feel terrible about something. When good things happen to people close to me, I want to be there to share their joy and such. Not only was I not there for him, but I was completely non-receptive to everything. My mind and heart were closed because of a misunderstanding, and that revelation didn't go too well. Now it's all over and the hurt feelings are replaced by guilt.

This is so big... SO BIG. It's his step into a fantastic career. It's amazing, really. He deserves every bit of it. If I'm not mistaken, this means he'll be in Texas this fall no matter what. Coincidentaly, I'm supposedly getting a new car in the fall when college starts. I see the mileage racking now and I can't wait!


God answers prayers.

I was thinking today about how certain sounds, smells, tastes, etc. trigger stuff in your memory that send you right back to where you first encountered them. The big thing for me is music. I never used to listen to music this much, EVER! I have mainly Josh and Daniel to thank for this. To them I am forever indebted. Here goes it:

"Into the Darkness" Juliana Theory - Driving around some summer night before we were dating. I pretty much forced him to introduce me to Juilana Theory.

Mae "Summertime" - Well, duh.

All American Rejects "Swing Swing" - Summer 2002 driving to Canada.

Ben Folds "Wandering" - Sometime either September or October at night missing him terribly.

Norah Jones "Come Away With Me" - Sitting in the hot tub in New Mexico this summer wishing I was back in San Angelo.

Oasis "Wonderwall" - Playing this song on my guitar with Chris Weaver.

Postal Service "Such Great Heights" - Singing and acting it out with Juston in Magnolia in probably early September.

Postal Sevice "Sleeping In" - Driving to Austin on our first trip.

Juliana Theory "You Always Say Goodnight" - Driving around Ruidoso, NM still wishing I was home.

Stephen Speaks "Out of my League" - Sitting in the St. Louis airport, nervous as can be.

Postal Srvice "District Sleeps Alone" - Watching Josh paint his senior square in the youth room on his last day in San Angelo.

Sumblime "What I Got" - Eight of us crammed into Matt's Caddilac screming this song at the top of our lungs after church every Sunday.

Opium "Heaven is a Half Pipe" - Matt always played this for me when he drove me from Band practice to Play rehearsal sophomore year.

The Shins "Chutes too Narrow" - One night after a movie........."Whoa, is that The Shins? They're palying The Shins!"....................

Phantom Planet "California" - The song I wish were true for me..... 'California, here we come'


There are many others that remind me of things, just these stand out in my mind. A smile comes to my face with all of these, even though they weren't all happy times. It's just really fun to think about.

Wouldn't it be nice
If I could melt myself like ice
Or outrun my skin
And just be pure wind

I had a really long post in here, but then I read an e-mail and decided to delete it.

So it appears that everything's okay.

It's times like these when I get really confused. I think people want one thing from me, but when I try to do that it just blows up in my face and gets more people involved that DON'T need to be. I'm really trying to help Ashlin in this situation with her, Thinh, Tyler, Ben, Jeremy, and Cody. I mean, finally I have time to help her but she doesn't seem like she really wants it. Also, in "helping" her I end up putting a friendship on the line that really means a lot to me. In doing this I end up putting other peoples friendships with people on the line and it just gets rediculous! This whole situation is out of control and very immature and I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I've tried to help, really I have but I'm staying out of it. Ashlin you are my best friend and will be forever, but honey I can't help. To add to this:


Dear Thinh,

I'm really, really sorry if what I've done was offensive.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

The years are fast, but the days are long.

I wish people were open and honest, it would make things a lot easier. I'm not going to judge, I just want to know...

This is the first time I'm not actually hanging by every calendar day. Yes, the dates are marked and the countdown has begun, but right now I don't want to know how many days are left. It's so much better when you don't look at it for a while and then WHAM! 10 days have passed. Before you know it, it's 2 days till he's here and you can't function correctly because you're so excited. It's easy to loose track of time... I can't beleive it's already been 6 months. Is that the lo.... yes, it is the longest you've ever been in a relationship. The fickle feelings seem to have disappeared and all you can think of is the future. It's funny how hearing a certain song or driving by a certain place can throw you head first into your wonderful memories of last summer.... of Thanksgiving.... of Christmas.... of him.

A park

The Dock

Caseopia

The First Austin Trip

Mae

Gloria Record

Mario Kart

Eggnog

Starbucks and Krispey Kreme

The list goes on and on, but it's not finished yet.

Justin at work said that I was the only virgin he knew. Sad for him, but I feel proud.

.
.
.
That is it, no more. I quit. I'll just fake it... and the truth only my pillow will know.
.
.
.

im writting just to write its 1202 in the morning and i cant sleep im so sick of not sleeping im so damned tired tired of everything tired of school tired of working tired of hurting tired of yearning tired of this growing seperation from God i long to go to church it would make me so happy to go to a bible study one of these days why havent i been going before what useless things held me back how did those things benefit my walk with Him at all i need to find a way my way i always could get up earlier or take some quiet time before i go to bed but then that cuts into my sleep time ha yet look what im doing sitting at my computer channeling my feelings in a stream of weary conciousness im so tired im weary and worn what is college going to do to me is this what its going to be like is this what its like josh i cant imagine months of this the pain of holding back tears is no longer a pain but normality in my day why do i feel the need to cry so much ugh why cant these things just stop i dont want to be numb anymore i feel like i have heart of stone and nothing can soften it yet something can i know what can its not like church is a requirement i mean you dont have to have church to be closer to Him but the fellowship and the accountability are the lifelines that im desperatly grasping for then theres the fifty the fifty that i have to get through then after that what comes next another fifty another hundred dont you dare think im regretting or second guessing im not i never will i just need an embrace and a sincere shoulder to cry on someone telling me its going to be ok everything will be fine just calm down it will all work out and yet you already did youre my wonder you inspire me in so many different ways its poitnless to try to count it goes on forever it will go on forever ill wait forever

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?


I have no doubt in my mind that this has been the worst week of my entire life.

I don't get it, what's so different about this time? Why is everything so wrong now? I've been crying so much that my eyes are still swollen and red in the mornings when I wake up. Just as soon as I think I've composed myself enough to go to school, I'm driving down Rio Concho and I start thinking about everything then BAM! Tears just start falling, despite my efforts and the pain trying to choke them back. Holding back tears is so horrible, it burns so bad in your throat. Everything just happened so fast... Josh left and my world fell to peices. Him leaving wasn't the reason it fell apart, it's just always so hard to adjust to being without him after I'd gotten so used to him being with me again. The very next day I started that job. I was there 2 hours when I started thinking to myself, What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here! I've always planned on being a waitress through college, ever since I was in junior high and I heard my oldest sister did it that way. But I'm not in college, I'm in my senior year of high school. I'm never going to have these years back, why waste it working my butt off for nothing. I really wouldn't mind waitressing if it didn't require me to work so many hours. Five to 11 or 12, 5 to 6 nights a week is something I'm not going to be able to handle. It's not even this job that's the big problem now... in fact there are so many things wrong I don't know how to pin point the problem. I mean my parents have truned into psycho creatures jumping on my case for every flaw of mine. They're really going to have a field day with the fact that I'm failing 3 classes already. I just want to go away. I don't want to be here any where near them. Apparently I have a bad attitude and terrible work ethic, but I'm also working too much and neglecting the family. I'm so confused and hurting right now. I just want to curl up in a ball of pathetic hopelessness on my bed wither away. I always used to be able to find the good in bad situations, but that light has faded if not gone.



Losing hope is easy
When your only friend is gone
And every time you look around
Well, it all, it all just seems to change
But hanging on is easy
When you've got a friend to call
When nothings making sense at all
You're not the only one that's afraid of change




Josh, I'm really trying to stop worrying. What you commented the other day has been my driving force and has actually given me hope. I think that's the only time this week I actually let out an honest smile. I'm just having and incredibly hard time right now, but I'll get through this somehow. I love you more than you'll ever be able to fathom. I love you, I love you, I love you. Now it's time for me to let God...

She's falling apart


Again, a selfish entry

Sometimes I truly resent my parents. I know they do a lot for me... and I mean a lot. Yet, sometimes I can't stand them. I often wonder what it would be like if I had different parents... I never have thought this before because I love my family more than anything, or at least I used to but

You know what, ck that.... this is how I really feel:
I woke up this morning and felt like a hadn't even slept. All I started thinking about was work and school work. I have a ton of homework right now and it's not getting done because there is really no time to do it. I don't want to hate this job, but I think I'm already beginning to. I don't want to have to have a job right now... I just want to have a good senior year. I want to be able to go spend time with my friends whenever I want. I want my parents to be concerned abuot my well being and how I'm doing in school, and care how a job might be affecting my school work. One parent who I admire very much actually said, "I just want them to be happy." I don't think my parents ever said that about me. I think my parents' lives are really driven by money and that's it. Like if I want to go on family trips, I have to pay for it myslef now. If there's anykind of food that I like I have to buy it because they're only "responsible for the necessities." My mom often starts yelling at me asking when am I going to ask my dad for the child support. Of course, even if I ask he'll never send it and then somehow my mom will think it's my fault. Then there's that part, being completely rejected by my father hasn't exactly been the greatest thing to deal with for the past 5 years. He doesn't support me at all, but I feel like I'm a horrible person if I don't keep in touch with my biological father. But then if my parents find out that I've been talking to him, Steve will get offended. They contradict themselves constantly with that stupid situation... my mom wants me to ask about the money, but she doesn't like me talking to him. It's enough to make me go crazy. Maybe it's just this new job that's making me crazy, I don't see myslef working 5 days a week and living to tell about it. I'm confused, really confused. Oh look, an 18 year old teenage girl complaining about her parents and her not wanting to accept responsibility. Boo hoo, sorry for all you who are fans of originality. This post is a cliche'. Dang it, that's my freaking greatest fear and I'm living it. I'm a fcking walking cliche'!

I'm torn up inside, but I feel nothing.

Forgive me for this selfish entry...
He left two days ago and all I can think is I want him back. Such a selfish thought, but I can't help it. I dreaded last Saturday like I dreaded that Thursday in August. I had the same feelings this time as I had last time, with only one worry less. At least now it's his second semester so not everything is so new.

Being with him here in San Angelo was a lot different than last time we were together here. I don't think he's changed, I think it's me. I think I've grown up a lot since last summer (despite what you may think) I fear I may have smothered him while he was here because I barely left his side, but when you know you've got a limited time to be together I get so desperate. I had to go through the saying goodbye to the family again, then it was my turn. It just never seems like we get enough of a goodbye, but how much is enough? After I got back to his house to pick up my car, that early morning in August played itself out again. Tears gushing, blinding me, preventing me from driving, forcing me to pull over and sob. I just felt so hopless and empty. I'd gotten used to him being here again, so now that he's gone I feel like there's nothing here. It's one of the worst kinds of pains. All I wanted to do was go to bed. I felt nothing but emptiness and unconciousness seemed like the best alternative. I did sleep, unfortunately only for 2 hours. Seems like all I did was cry that night, of course I repeated that the following night, and I'm not to sure about tonight. All I know is I think sleeping is the greatest thing in the world. The sooner I get home and go to sleep, the faster the next day will come, and the faster March 12 will come.

All I want is for you is to be happy. I'll do anything to see that through...

So, another year has almost passed. I look back and only hope I've touched someone's life or made something, anything, special for someone, just as many others have done for me.

I've decided this year that I'm going to actually make some New Year's resolutions, contrary to what I've done in the past. I've never made any because I knew I'd never follow through with it. I mean, if I can't even keep small goals like keeping in touch with my family, what makes me think I can achieve bigger ones? It's high time I grow up and start taking responsibility for myself and for things that are going to affect the rest of my life. My eighteenth year is a good year to start resolutions anyway. I need a mental makeover, I can't do a thing for others until I feel ok with myself. I want to change my mind, spirit, and body.

SPIRIT
To change my spirit I must to learn to love everybody... unconditionaly. LOVE EVERYBODY! First, of course, love God. Then, love myself. By loving myslef, I enable myslef to love others. Love is the only thing that lasts and it's the only thing that matters. So I figured I'd start there.

BODY
The top of many resolution lists is lose weight and mine happens to be no exception. It's just something that I have to do, it's a major personal battle and has been for about 2 years now. It's time to fix it. I'm not going to be unreasonable and expect to look like Jennifer Garner or anything, but I just need to get in shape, the way I used to be. Ha, I'm still flexible thank goodness. I proved that tonight at the Lighthouse with Lauren. One handed cart-wheel into the splits standing back bends can still be done!

My List (so far and so much more to add)
1. Love Others
2. Get in shape

I did it again! Why do I not listen to Daniel!?

she waits one more week to fall apart

When I worked on Saturday I wrote a really LOOOOOOONG post about the happenings of Friday night, i poured heart and soul into that post for about half an hour, but yes, it was lost. My Lighthouse sign on timed out and when I logged back on, it was gone. Really, REALLY annoying!


Hmmm.....this has just turned into a self motivation post. No one really reads this anymore anyway, so I'll talk to myself. All I have to do is wait for Friday, it seems impossible. It's like I'm climbing a huge mountain with an unmeasureable weight holding be back. I got so much done within the last 12 hours! Finally, my Gov AP essay, my Chapter 12 Test and Study Guide, my English AP essay, my Photojournalism Final Project. All these things checked off my list, and yet I feel like nothing has been lifted. I still have so much to do... I'm not built for these stresses, no one is. Yet, we must accept it and deal with it the best way we know how. Unfortunately for me, I end up procrastinating and suffering the consequences.

I had a really hard time last night, I just ran to my mom crying like I was a 6 year-old or something. Honestly, I'm sick and tired of people making me feel stupid and insignificant. I may not have an insanely extensive vocabulary and my forte may not be in mathematics, but I'm talented and intellegent in ways people may not see, or rather bother to acknowledge. It's a shame that some of the people closest to me are the ones doing most of the harm. I remember writing about this in an earlier blog post.... apparently things haven't changed. I guess a trait in me is I'm sensitive to others words. I try not to be, but that's just me putting on a facade and not being true to myslef: words hurt. This hasn't changed in me, Amber and Ashlin can tell you that I've been like this since 7th grade. If anyone has any comments on how to help me not be so sensitive, please share. Yet, I'm not so sure that I'm being too sensitive or people are just too harsh. Please, I ask you as my friend, please don't be cruel and overly-sarcastic with me and don't insult my intellegence. I would never, ever, ever want to hurt you, so please think before you speak.

All I have to do is get through the 19th. I don't have time to have any kind of emotion until then. I feel like a puppet just going through the motions of school. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, some force is pushing out of it and somehow I find myslef in the shower and off to school. I've been late everyday this week. I'm slowly getting reclusive and anti-social, just like I did last year. I feel horrible, and even my teachers have commented on my solemn attitude. I'm easlily annoyed by my closest friends, little things are just irking me to death. My job, easy at times, is driving me crazy. Contrary to most people's perception of my place of emplyment, a lot of crap happens behind closed doors. I get paid decently, but at times I think it's not worth dealing with Casey and his nazi's. A strict, busy, unflexible waitress job looks mighty fine right now. Plus, it will give me the financial stability to pay back my parents AND be able to afford both a trip to Josh's in the Spring and my Band Spring Trip. Ugh... why am I feeling like this?

I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again. Oh, baby, I hate to go.


When I got off the plane last week I walked up to him, not being able to speak. We could barely look at eachother, I couldn't beleive I was finally there. My knees were weak from the plane ride, so I collapsed into the chair. He sat down next to me and put his head on my shoulder. It was then that I knew everything was going to be alright, everything I had anticipated was played out in that moment. And the trip got better from there...

I have enjoyed this trip so very much, being with him just makes me feel so amazing. What can I say, I love him. So so so so much. I don't know when I'll be back to West Lafayette, but I hope it's next semester. Josh will be coming home in 18 days, and of course waiting will be more agony. We've made it through over 100 days apart, what's 18 days? He'll be there for 3 weeks though! Bringing in the New Year is gonna be great, I'll be with him and all my close friends that are AWESOME. Now I start up my schooling again... thinking about him constantly and praying for him everyday. I don't have much more to say right now. I'm fighting back tears writing this, saying good-bye is so hard. Josh can tell something's up, but I'll just keep saying I'm fine. By the way, I'm a baby... a big one. I don't want to say good-bye. But saying good-bye means I get the chance to say hello again and the feeling of the first hug and kiss is indescribable.

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go...

So I've been waiting for this for months now and have been counting down the days since 103. Now it's something like 44 hours or so. I'm so excited, scared, enthralled, timid, and giddy all at the same time. Come tomorrow night I know I won't be able to sleep and the Speciales' will pull into my driveway at 3 am and I'll be off. It's so awesome that they are actually doing this for me, I'm so close to his family, especially his Mother. We're like old friends, it's weird. I'm sure he hates it and is weirded out by it but oh well. I really didn't expect his parents to really like the idea of me going up there, but not only do they support it, they're an acting force in getting me up there! The day he left I talked to his mother about it. Just minutes after he'd pulled away (and before I fell apart) she went inside and got me 2 flyers for two hotels that were up there. Turns out that my dad came across one of those flyers and I'm actually going to stay in a really nice hotel a few days. I wonder what it's going to be like? Everyday duirng our school's "moment of silence" I've prayed that he does well on his exams, that he doesn't forget me, that he makes great friends, that he grows closer to God, and so on and so forth. I know we haven't drifted apart because we've only missed talking to eachother 2 days since he left. I'm just a little nervous about how I'm going to react. It seems I'm anticipating this a little more than he is, that scares me too. What doesn't scare me is that I know I love him, and love knows no distance. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and the truth of those words will be my anthem for the next 3 years or so at least. Just to be in his warm embrace is all I've wanted for the past 3 and a half months. He's been the subject of almost every post I've got in this thing. All of you who say long distance relationships can't work can suck it! Ok, that wasn't very nice but still. Never say it can't be done. The 23rd will not only be the day I see him but will also be our 4 month (insert latin prefix for month here)-versary. And there's a heck of a lot more months to come after that. The feeling of knowing someone loves you is the greatest in the world.

A not so meaningful post: If you ever want to go through some extreme pain, got to a salon and get a wax treatment. OMFG, PAIN!

Ok, with this whole Krystal Alvarado thing. Yes, this is terribly, terribly tragic and the realization that this can happen to anyone is absolutely terrifying and gives us a slap in the face on reality. We're not immortal, we should stop living like we are. Maybe I'm just talking to myself here, but I know there are some things in my life that I'm changing because of this. The thing that most saddens me is I knew her relatively well and that's not really a good thing. When I think of Krystal I want to think of her as a nice great person but I can't. To me she wasn't very nice and her and her friends didn't exactly like me. I mean, they were the cause of so much grief in my elementary and junior high years. Needless to say it was all bull crap anyway. So stupid and petty little things that don't amount to a thing in the end. This just proves that life is so short and way too preciuous to have little grudges about anything! I wish so much that I could have at least talked to her in high school. I never said anything to her these past three years. That is so dumb! I'm not saying I would've wanted to be best friends with her or anything, but you know just to talk to her. It doesn't really matter now. I just feel awful for have had any bad feelings toward her at all, they were pointless. I'm not sure I really said here what I really was trying to, hmmmm. I will miss you, Krystal.

Since I'm at home feeling like crap and nothing to do, I decided to finish up reading all of Josh's Blog. I read from December til present. Needless to say, I just feel stupid. That's all. I'm going to bed.

Ok, 2 days till I'm 18. I can't beleive it, I still feel (and act) 15. This is so weird. I can't do much of a birthday party now because this weekend is NCYC and I'll be in El Paso. I was planning it for next weekend, but that fell through because American Airlines is dumb. Maybe I'll have a Birthda-Christmas-Welcome Home Josh Party. Yeah, that'll be fun.

I've waited so very long for this trip... 12 freakin days! I'm sure you guys are really sick of my daily updates, but I'll do it until the day I leave.

I have a correction to my last update. I said "I'm sure I could live without them, but I would never want to." That's not true, I really can't live without any one of those things.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTY!

My fabulous English project was presented to my entire class today. The assignment was to think about stuff you couldn't live without if you had to live in one square yard of space. Some people did all kinds of crazy stuff like inserting drive-thru windows or shrink machines and a magical miniature forrests. I just started drawing at the Lighthouse last night and did the first few things that came to mind. I didn't really follow directions, I kind of cut off the "in one square yard of space" and just used "what could I not live without." So here's the list... I'm sure I could live without them, but I would never want to.

My Bible
A Tree
Big Pillow
Sunsets
Journal and Lime Green pen
Candles & Incence
Photo Album/Scrapbook
Music
Fruit
Italian Creme Sodas
Christmas
My Sister
Ashlin
Josh




The fun random G/T thing I added last minute was a "Season Machine" so I could manage the seasons to what mood I was in. The season's incorporated weather into them, so I had my love of snow covered in winter and my love of thunderstorms covered in summer. That project was a lot of fun and I got a ton of great feedback.

I must say I had the greatest time when it came to drawing my Italian Cream Soda. I swear, subconciously I'm... I just need to talk to Freud about that. We all had a great laugh about that, I'll never be able to swallow one sip of Italian cream sodas ever again without thinking of... ahhhhhh!


Italian Cream...

And time now goes by so slowly...

seeing how this looks... doesn't matter what i say here anyway because no one READS it anymore!

While I was washing dishes at the Lighthouse tonight...
Kylon: If there was someone that you were so in love with that you could marry them right now, who would it be?
Me: Um... (pause) My boyfriend.
Kylon: Why?
Me: Why not? What's the point in going out with someone if you can't see yourself marrying them?

The cool thing is that I didn't even think twice before answering him. In 7th grade (by the influence of Lauren Matthews when I attended First Baptist Church) I kind of made a vow to apply that to all of my relationships along with true love waits, but the only thing I've stayed true to til now was the latter.

"Makes me shiver, but in a good way"

Showing off my sister today was so much fun. My mother, Krista, and I went to lunch at Fuentes. Great food! Then we went to the bank to start up a savings account for her here in the states. They went inside around 2:17 and I fell asleep in the backseat of the car. When I woke up it was 3:11 and about 5 minutes later, they showed up. One hour in a hot car in the middle of the afternoon, what was I thinking? We went to Goodwill after that, no luck finding anything for me. I took my sister first to her friend Marcie's house and got to visit that family. I haven't seen her in 3 years and now she has two little boys (the younger of the two kept molesting me, spanking my butt as much as possible) She's only 21! After Marcie's I was really depressed, but nothing could prepare me for what was next. I then took Krista to her best friend Kristy's house. I haven't seen her in 3 years either. Turns out she has a little boy, a little girl, and is having a c-section tomorrow morning for her second boy. Her sister (16) is 4 months pregnant and smoking cigarrettes on the porch. Her brother is in jail, and her younger sister (14) is doing ok so far. They all live with their grandma in a small 3 bedroom house. That just really depressed me... and my sister. These guys used to be her best friends and if she would've stayed here, she would've turned out just like them. It was just horrible to witness, I really feel sorry for the new baby(s) on the way. A few hours later, I took her to the Lighthouse. We played Yahtzi and I kicked her butt. I'm very skilled at that game, Josh, some of us have it and some of us don't. She got to meet almost everyone, and had a really cool conversation with Lauren. She even got to talk a little Japanese to Justin and Nathan. We then did what all of us have done when we get bored at the LH... we went to Hastings. Much fun, she bought a ton of new cd's, including Flogging Molly a new interest of mine. On the way home she and I talked about her exboyfriend and how that long distance relationship failed. She commented on how Josh and I look like we're doing great (that's because we are) Her's didn't work because he didn't really have the committment. I feel blessed that I'm not in that position. It was hard for her. I've never really connected with my sister as much as I have in these few days. The last few years she was here was kind of hectic because of the baby and all. This has been great... too bad she leaves Thursday.

My older sister Krista flew in on Friday. She's so small! I forgot how short she was, she's been around Asians too long. Today we went to Breakfast and then shopping at the Mall. I hate shopping, it really gets annoying. I'm the "go in and get one thing and leave" kinda gal. I exchanged a shirt and then bought a dance shirt. Total money spent at mall: $3.00, I did well. I'm seriously penny pinching right now, I leave for Indaina really soon (though, not soon enough) I'm not sure exactly how much to bring with me up there, i'll figure that out. I also need to start looking at maps and deciding what we're going to do once I'm there. It kind of occured to me that Josh and I never really spent very much time alone, we we're always with people. It's going to be great though. OOOOOoooooohhhhh...... I can't wait!

No one fscking blogs anymore! What's the deal?! Do we not have personal feelings to share or anything? Are we all dead to emotion?

Once again, I almost died. No, I'm just kidding. I shouldn't joke around with death, not funny. But during Band prcatice today I started getting short of breath for no apparent reason. Then I was having short dizzy spells. Right as practice was ending I got these really sharp, severe pains in my chest. Wasn't very cool at all. Ashlin and Anne assisted me in breathing by holding my arms up and telling me to breathe through my diaphram. Goodness, it hurt bad but they helpled a lot. I was fine 10 minutes later, but then driving home I got those dizzy spells again and my hearing started fading, I got like tunnel hearing. If this happens again, I'm going to the doctor. It was very strange, but it's happened to me before, just hasn't happened in a LONG time. Oh well, good news is I'm fine now.

There are some times in your life when you sit there and can't help but smile. You're so content with your life that you glow with happiness. I've been experiencing this since sometime early-July when I first seriously felt this way about him. The amazing thing is I still feel this way, even though he's 1200 miles from home. Everytime I get off the phone, every letter I read, every suprise I receive, I can't help but tingle with delight. I just hope that every girl finds what I have been so blessed to find. This relationship is beautiful, and honest, and caring, and loving, and absolutley amazing. But the truly amazing thing is it continues to grow with each passing day even though we are so far apart. I love you more than any words can express, thank you so very much.

I beleive God should make cloudy, rainy, beautiful days like this once or twice a week. I love this weather (except for the suprise, I accidentaly left my window cracked last night so my butt was very wet during the first part of my day at school this morning) It's really wonderful weather, I wish it would stay like this for weeks at a time. I can't wait for winter, by far my favorite season. The bitting cold is somehow comforting to me. The way it forces you to bundle up during the day, and at night convinces you to wrap your self in a warm blanket. I can't wait. I'm starting a new line of movies to watch... Kevin Smith films are my new thing. I still have to finish my Richard Linklater films though. Don't worry Daniel, I'm catching up.

Well, I'm trying to post something but I realized there's nothing for me to post about. Abosolutely nothing... at all. 50 agonizing days to wait for Josh, I'm halfway there.

Today we had our senior panoramic shot. Wow, how proud I am of our senior class. I stood there next to Cassie and Ashlin (feeling very out of place considering I was the only 5'9 person amongst the 5'4 people) listening to Kyle Moore's exasperated "Oh my GOD!" exclamations over and over as the Tex Anns took forever to get into place. It was a heck of a lot of fun, let me tell you. I missed Spanish class, so that's an upper. Tanner and I originally tired to stand next to eachother, but he was so much taller than me, that just wouldn't work. I just managed to stand near Cassie, Ashlin, Thinh, Dan, and CJ. What a line up! I didn't actually stand straight up until the shot was being taken, haha.

I really like how supportive Josh's family is. I mean, tonight Matt came to practice a half hour early (cuz I'm usually there at 6:30, but Anne made me late tonight, grrrr) to give me the cell phone to talk to Josh. Since I was late I didn't get to talk to him till after practice, but it was still the thought that counts. Haha, I don't think Josh appriciated the random call but I called because I didn't want to be rude, after all Matt brought it for me! I still think my sister and Matt should go out, that would be hilarious. She's taller haha. I hope everyone is doing great! I don't work Saturday, so SATSA-A should go out on the town. I don't like AP Government. I like peanut butter. I love Josh. Good Night. You always say good night.

This is for Josh because Purdue plays Notre Dame this weekend. I agree with Carlin. I think Irish people should resent the Notre Dame nickname, "The Fighting Irish." After all, how long do you think nicknames like "The Bargaining Jews" or "The Murdering Italians" would last? Only the ironic Irish could be so naively honest. I get the feeling that Notre Dame came real close to naming itself "The F&ckin' Drunken, Thick-skulled, Brawling, Mel Gibson makes our accent look good Irish." But that's just entirely too long.



GO BOILERMAKERS!

School and my job and everything else that takes up time really sucks. I've realized that there never is enough time. It's something eveyone wants more of, but no one can have. I want to spend more time reading my bible, having intelligent coversations with friends, reading profound books... I wanted more time with my brother and sister before they left home, I want to spend more time with Daniel, Thinh, Juston, and the rest of the gang. God knows I wanted more time with Josh! I don't know, reading Josh's journal yesterday I realized how much of an outsider I really am. It's not that everyone makes me feel like an outsider, it's just that I really am. I'm so different than all of you. I'm not insanely smart or sarcastic, I don't have the music know-how, I don't have incredibly witty things to say, I don't antagonize people for fun, I don't know a thing about computers or video games... I just don't. I really don't know what I am, I feel like I don't contribute anything at all. I guess I'm having a slight identity crisis. Thinh even said that this group is so cool because we are all so different, but I just feel a little more different or something. What I do know is that I care for all of you deeply (but if any of you "slay" anyone I don't guarantee I'll "stay" with you, we don't need no killin') and I'm sorry I can't spend as much time with you as I'd like to. As for Josh, I'm sorry I didn't act on this relationship as soon as I found you. I'm trying to keep up with you now the best I can, so bear with me when I forget things.




It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way
~Jewel

YAY! Happy Birthday to my awesome little sister, she's 15 now. Time to get her and Matt together, haha. Thinh and I went running today and it was great. I love that feeling right after you exercise, then I came home and ate my sister's birhtday cake (which happened to be cheesecake) yeah, good feeling gone. Thinh and I are going to try to do that every Tuseday and Thursday, sounds good to me. In other news, today is Josh's and my 2 month mark. I think that's very cool. Many more to come. Haha, no one can comment! (not like you'd want to anyway, not a very interesting post)

<><

The answer to the modern youth's problems is spelled out in the word of our God.

"How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word"
~Psalm 119:9

Tomorrow is our first out of town football game of the year, and I can't wait. There's something about performing that I just love. The flag line is doing a bit better, no where near where we need to be but hopefully that will change. We get our uniforms today, hopefully they turned out ok (if they don't it will be all my fault because it was my design) We have homecoming in 3 weeks and I guess I'm not going to have a date, which doesn't bother me too much, I knew I'd have to make these sacrifices. Well, not really sacrifices but for lack of a better word... yeah. I'm determined to make this homecoming great. My last two homecoming's have been pretty bad. Last year I was rushed from morning band practice to the hospital and sophomore year... well Ashlin knows how that went. It's my senior year, I'll make it great without a date and mum.

Tomorrow we vote for senior class officers. I'm running for Vice President, against like 4 or 5 other people. I hate getting my hopes up, but I do really want that position. Last year I beat Sawyer for Reporter (big shock, not being sarcastic) now we're against eachother again... along with Haley Salas, and Kelli something, and Valerie Zapata I think. Amber's running for Reporter, I would've run for that but I hate the idea of running against a good friend. (that's not the only reason, lol) All in all, please pray that the students at Central high school select the most apt delegates.

::cough, me and Amber, cough::

Please try to campaign a little for us, ok?



"I found another guy with the same name as me, he goes to Purdue"
"What?! Purdue, what?"

So I'm at work right now and Daniel's spazing because Thinh's with "his girl" at the S.Y.A.T.P assembly, Lauren's not here yet and Nathan is on his way over. I really wish I could have gone to the Saw You at the Pole assebly. My place of work, which calls itself a Christian establishment, is preventing me from being a christian. Now that is taking it to the extreme, but I would like to go to Wednesady night church sometime. Ok all you up to current affairs people, Wesley Clark: thumbs up or thumbs down? I'm thinking thumbs up for me, but that's because I'm anti-Bush and I like his views on the Iraq war.

News for the day: Apparently my post on September 14, 2003 made Daniel Pool's top ten most suspenseful posts ever. What a milestone for my Blogging career.

"Was that a make out night?"
"You mean me and Josh? Yeah."
::Hysterical laughing::
"I knew you would laugh at that. 'Say this, she'll laugh' I thought in my head."

I'm here in photojournalism class, and I have nothing to do. So far, today was great. I actually got up early and was on time to school, that's a first. Then I was stressing about the government pages I hadn't read and Dr. Coleman comes on the announcements saying "Go to the assembly" YES! Then in spanish class Mrs. Flores gave me the extra burrito from the fiesta the previous period. Since seniors had the assembly 2nd period, juniors had it 3rd period and most of my spanish class is juniors she let me go to photojournalism. I developed my contact sheet, turned out very well I might add and so now I have nothing to do. Now all I'm worried about is the Les Miserables test next period, fun stuff.

Well, Nick commented today at school on how "pretty freakin' emo" I looked. Thinh has said something like that since Friday. I guess I've accomplished the look to match my emotions. Today was just not a good day to go to school. I woke up late, of course, and this is the first day this year I REALLY didn't want to go out of the house. I've loved school thus far, but I'm getting a tinge of senioritis. (not good considering this is the 5th week of school) The only classes that went well today was Photojournalism and English. In photojournalism my film developed lovely and I can't wait to print them. In English we expressed archetypal signs out of construction paper, good ol' G/T class. Miss it, Josh? Yeah, I really like the weather lately too. Cloudy and cool, very nice. I'm still waiting for my tickets and itinerary to come in the mail, I'm counting every minute till I'm on that plane. Josh has been gone exactly one month yesterday. I miss him, more than anyone can imagine. Think of how much you think I miss him then times that by 10 and yeah, even more than that.

I seriously almost died last night. The rain came around 4:11, that's the last time I looked at my watch. I was sitting on Matt Miller's front porch talking to Ben Miller, Nathan and Matt were driving Ruben home. I had watched the storm roll in all night, then it finally hit. The rain was really, really heavy. I saw it falling in sheets in the street light. "I really need to get home before this gets any worse." I told Ben. I started driving down Harris and I could barely see 5 feet in front of me. When I got to Rio Concho Drive, I saw the drainage ditches overflowing, but that was my only way home. I had to take that road, so I was going like 20 when I hit the river. Right in front of Rio Concho Manor, my car took a dip and water went completely over my headlights and started seeping into the floor board of my car through the doors. The electricity was out so the street lights weren't on, so when my lights went under it was completely dark. All I heard was the moaning of my Honda and the rushing of water and rain. I got extremely scared, I immediately began to pray. I now understand why most drownings occur this way. I couldn't see that the road had been replaced by a river. I floored it and I swear the angels were there pushing my car keeping it running. Any other car would have stalled when the water had completely gone up and over the hood. I got through that and prayed the rest of the way home. I ran every stop light and stop sign, I probably had a million traffic violations but no one was out and I know no cop was going to pull me over in this, I just had to get home. I fianlly walked in the door at around 5, my mom was waiting for me. "I almost died!" I exlaimed to my mother.

Well, this is my second attempt to write this dedicated to Daniel. Last night was my first, but the Lighthouse computer decided to crash right as I finished. So here we go. Daniel, Happy Freakin' Birthday. I remember when I first met Daniel "Goose" Pool. It was our first day of theatre II and we were playing the nickname game. He of course nicknamed himself Goose. For the first semester, that's the only class I saw him. We had a great time in there for the year: Daniel and my Academy Award winning duet performance of Equis, Daniel pretending to be pasta and us all eating him, Omar, Daniel actually being a "Director", "I don't know what potato cheep eese!", Daniel and my arguement about why I think there should be a draft, and Ashlin and him teasing me about liking Josh. Daniel is one of the greatest guys I know. He has the biggest heart. He didn't deserve any of the crap some people put him through this year. Yet was he mean to them at all, did he show any of his bitterness? I think not. In fact, I beleive he even HELPED them out when they needed him. Daniel will put his feelings aside for anyone. I even remember when he actually accompanied Cassie when she went to give blood. Daniel, around needles, imagine that. One time he was actually going to take all the blame for me getting in trouble with my parents. I'm a better person becasue of him, he's helped me out enormously with everything I've ever needed him for. I love his liberal mind and bigger than life heart. Daniel, you know any of us would do the same for you. Happy 19th Birthday, you flaming homo.

Tonight was really weird. Really, really, really weird. Considering the circumstances, Juston, Thinh, and myself had a really good conversation. Actually, we had a lot of really good conversations. Yeah. All the while I was beating myself up because I think Josh may have really needed me tonight and I wasn't there for him. I hate that. In addition to it all, I think I'm getting sick again. I have a sore throat, same thing that happened the first week of school. I don't know what the deal is, maybe I'm not getting enough sleep. I don't know, pray for me. Pray for Josh... and his mother.

Well, I'm Indiana bound and I couldn't be more excited. My parents let me borrow their credit card and I'm paying them back throughout the rest year, which really means for the rest of my life. When I got home Thursday from work, my dad was just getting off the phone with the travel agent and my ticket was purchased. Here's what's going down:

Going there :-)

Amercan Airline 2884 Sunday Novemeber 23
Departs: 4:05 PM Dallas Ft Worth Intl (DFW)
Arrives: 5:52 PM Lambert St Louis Intl (STL)

American Airline 5941
Departs: 6:31 PM Lambert St Louis Intl (STL)
Arrives: 8:43 PM Lafayette Arpt (LAF)

Coming Home :-(

American Airline 5938 Tuesday Decmber 2
Departs: 12:18 PM Lafayette Arpt (LAF)
Arrives: 12:30 PM Lambert St Louis Intl (STL)

American Airline 2933
Departs: 2:00 PM Lambert St Louis Intl (STL)
Arrives: 4:03 PM Dallas Ft Worth Intl (DFW)

I actually take a flight from Brownwood to Dallas, but that itinerary isn't posted on the internet so I'm waiting for the complete one to come in the mail. Can you beleive that, nine days with Josh IN West Lafayette. I can barely contain myself. You guys better memorize those plane numbers so you know if I crashed or not. Haha, wow what a terrible thought.

If I had a mood thingy it would say PISSED OFF!

Why does everyone have to be so mean to everyone else. I don't get it, why the need for such hatefulness. Why can't you just be happy for people and accept everyone as they are? For the past 4 days I've gotten a daisy delivered to me by this "kindness" person. It's really sweet but everyone in my English class is starting to hate me for it. They start teasing me and stuff (which is SO elemntary school) and other people are like "Of course this happenes to YOU!" If something good happens to someone why to you have to talk to them with such animosity? Another thing, why is everyone so mean to their friends? Is it really necessary to find every fault a person has and make fun of them for it? You don't have to citicize everything a person does and always make them feel inferior. I don't know, I'm just sick of mean people, especially when those people are supposed to be your friends. I'm just sensitive I guess. Does that make me a bad person? Does wanting people to be kind and not patronize others make me overly sensitive? Why can't you just accept people with their faults and not make an effort to kick their feelings around.

I just received a letter from Josh. When I opened the envelope, out slipped his bracelet into my hand. The end of the letter read "Hold onto it for me." I was bewildered, I'm not sure why. You're now going to see a permanent piece of jewelry on my wrist. Yeah, he's mine.... indefinitely.

Well, right when I got off the phone with Josh tonight the weirdest thing happened. Darby Hadley imed me. We haven't talked since before Graduation, it was really weird but it felt good talking to him. I mean, even if relationships don't work out you can still be friends with the people. (Unless you're Aaron) He and his girlfriend are still doing well, 7 months strong. He commented on Josh's hair and having him in Cisco class (haha, he didn't get certified[by "he" I mean Darby]). I'd actually like to be friends with Darby again, it's a good idea.

Not by any means ever can Matt replace Josh. Not only is Josh absolutely irreplaceable, but Matt is a person too. "Look, it's a Josh substitute, he's even sitting by Elizabeth!" said Nick. A wave of sadness just hit me there. This is getting really hard. Matt is very cool and not a sub, FINALLY he talks to me. I swear, I guess I was just so intimidating or something (not really) We had a lot of fun watching LOTR 2 tonight at Thinh's. What was really weird was me going to Josh's house to pick up his little brohter, I mean saying to his father "Is Matt here?" was just a little weird. The company was pretty good; 3 girls 2 boys, a "good ratio" according to Thinh's bro. The only questionable part of the evening was Thinh's brother and friends smoking illegal substances in the back room. Matt and I just looked at eachother and agreed that we didn't want our parents (who could recognize the smell easily from past experiences) smelling it on our clothes, we almost left. Good thing it didn't get too bad, it would have looked terrible me taking Matt home smelling like pot. After that Cassie, Nick, Ashlin, Matt, Thinh, and myself went out to the dock to just hang out then we made Matt drive Thinh's car around the Country Club. What are older friends for anyway? Dawn forgot us again at IHOP... she only remembers Juston's face, but thank God she didn't give us her whole life story AGAIN! Her daughter has upgraded from a B**** to a mean sweetheart. Tonight was the closest to summer nights that we've gotten since school started. It was great, but there was a big piece of me missing.