im writting just to write its 1202 in the morning and i cant sleep im so sick of not sleeping im so damned tired tired of everything tired of school tired of working tired of hurting tired of yearning tired of this growing seperation from God i long to go to church it would make me so happy to go to a bible study one of these days why havent i been going before what useless things held me back how did those things benefit my walk with Him at all i need to find a way my way i always could get up earlier or take some quiet time before i go to bed but then that cuts into my sleep time ha yet look what im doing sitting at my computer channeling my feelings in a stream of weary conciousness im so tired im weary and worn what is college going to do to me is this what its going to be like is this what its like josh i cant imagine months of this the pain of holding back tears is no longer a pain but normality in my day why do i feel the need to cry so much ugh why cant these things just stop i dont want to be numb anymore i feel like i have heart of stone and nothing can soften it yet something can i know what can its not like church is a requirement i mean you dont have to have church to be closer to Him but the fellowship and the accountability are the lifelines that im desperatly grasping for then theres the fifty the fifty that i have to get through then after that what comes next another fifty another hundred dont you dare think im regretting or second guessing im not i never will i just need an embrace and a sincere shoulder to cry on someone telling me its going to be ok everything will be fine just calm down it will all work out and yet you already did youre my wonder you inspire me in so many different ways its poitnless to try to count it goes on forever it will go on forever ill wait forever