I'm torn up inside, but I feel nothing.

Forgive me for this selfish entry...
He left two days ago and all I can think is I want him back. Such a selfish thought, but I can't help it. I dreaded last Saturday like I dreaded that Thursday in August. I had the same feelings this time as I had last time, with only one worry less. At least now it's his second semester so not everything is so new.

Being with him here in San Angelo was a lot different than last time we were together here. I don't think he's changed, I think it's me. I think I've grown up a lot since last summer (despite what you may think) I fear I may have smothered him while he was here because I barely left his side, but when you know you've got a limited time to be together I get so desperate. I had to go through the saying goodbye to the family again, then it was my turn. It just never seems like we get enough of a goodbye, but how much is enough? After I got back to his house to pick up my car, that early morning in August played itself out again. Tears gushing, blinding me, preventing me from driving, forcing me to pull over and sob. I just felt so hopless and empty. I'd gotten used to him being here again, so now that he's gone I feel like there's nothing here. It's one of the worst kinds of pains. All I wanted to do was go to bed. I felt nothing but emptiness and unconciousness seemed like the best alternative. I did sleep, unfortunately only for 2 hours. Seems like all I did was cry that night, of course I repeated that the following night, and I'm not to sure about tonight. All I know is I think sleeping is the greatest thing in the world. The sooner I get home and go to sleep, the faster the next day will come, and the faster March 12 will come.

All I want is for you is to be happy. I'll do anything to see that through...