Can you tell me why you have been so sad?


I have no doubt in my mind that this has been the worst week of my entire life.

I don't get it, what's so different about this time? Why is everything so wrong now? I've been crying so much that my eyes are still swollen and red in the mornings when I wake up. Just as soon as I think I've composed myself enough to go to school, I'm driving down Rio Concho and I start thinking about everything then BAM! Tears just start falling, despite my efforts and the pain trying to choke them back. Holding back tears is so horrible, it burns so bad in your throat. Everything just happened so fast... Josh left and my world fell to peices. Him leaving wasn't the reason it fell apart, it's just always so hard to adjust to being without him after I'd gotten so used to him being with me again. The very next day I started that job. I was there 2 hours when I started thinking to myself, What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here! I've always planned on being a waitress through college, ever since I was in junior high and I heard my oldest sister did it that way. But I'm not in college, I'm in my senior year of high school. I'm never going to have these years back, why waste it working my butt off for nothing. I really wouldn't mind waitressing if it didn't require me to work so many hours. Five to 11 or 12, 5 to 6 nights a week is something I'm not going to be able to handle. It's not even this job that's the big problem now... in fact there are so many things wrong I don't know how to pin point the problem. I mean my parents have truned into psycho creatures jumping on my case for every flaw of mine. They're really going to have a field day with the fact that I'm failing 3 classes already. I just want to go away. I don't want to be here any where near them. Apparently I have a bad attitude and terrible work ethic, but I'm also working too much and neglecting the family. I'm so confused and hurting right now. I just want to curl up in a ball of pathetic hopelessness on my bed wither away. I always used to be able to find the good in bad situations, but that light has faded if not gone.



Losing hope is easy
When your only friend is gone
And every time you look around
Well, it all, it all just seems to change
But hanging on is easy
When you've got a friend to call
When nothings making sense at all
You're not the only one that's afraid of change




Josh, I'm really trying to stop worrying. What you commented the other day has been my driving force and has actually given me hope. I think that's the only time this week I actually let out an honest smile. I'm just having and incredibly hard time right now, but I'll get through this somehow. I love you more than you'll ever be able to fathom. I love you, I love you, I love you. Now it's time for me to let God...