Sunday, November 30, 2008

Twilight - "My own brand of heroine."


Anyone who has ever met me knows of my ridiculous obsession with movies. However, my movie criticism is of less note. Josh would always tell me I like every movie, but that is not necessarily true, though I do tend to love the "bad" ones from time to time. I guess I am a more forgiving critic. I may hate the acting, but love complexities of the character or I may not like the plot, but enjoy the scenery. I generally just love good stories, which is probably an overflow of my obsession with books. I suppose I'm a bit too forgiving in that regard as well, because I tend to enjoy some unusual books as well. I don't like to be too critical, it makes me feel mean. I'm Miss Positive and I try to find good in everything, though I don't think I'll ever find it in rap music so I abstain. This all leads me to my recent viewing of Twilight.



Again, I don't want to be too critical, but when I can't control myself - this happens. My entirely selfish review:

Stephanie Meyer's books have been at the top of the best seller charts going on 3 years now, and it seems it's the adolescent female response to the Harry Potter phenomenon. These "series" books are the new boy bands, and with stunners like Rob Pattinson, Jackson Rathbone, and even Daniel Radcliff coming into his own right as a teen heart throb, it is understandable the obsession factor. I was once a pre-teen, I understand fully when I think of my embarrassing lust for Leonardo DiCaprio.

The movie is intoxicating, and not like Hemingway's cognac, but maybe Doc's home brew of malt liqueur on the Row. It gives you a hangover when you leave, the headache being Kristen Stewart's acting and the fond, yet embarrassing memories of the night-before being Rob Pattinson's portrayal of Edward. You leave with the bitter taste of angsty behavior and a new crush on a up and coming English man. In comparing to the book, it pales... literally. The plot follows decently, but is very slow in building. Then it peeks suddenly and falls just as so. The action is all in one area, but you don't have the fear of the predator vampires to make it all that emotionally moving. The book does a great job of making the "hunt" seem more like a hunt, and it actually makes you fear James. Though, I'm trying not to build up Meyer's writing too much. It's actually quite poor, but still addicting. It seems like it could have been written by any day-dreaming high school student. I've read papers with better prose from my 10th graders.

So Bella moves to a new place and tries to orient herself to her new surroundings. New, beautiful, green Pacific Northwest surroundings, of which she is entirely ungrateful for. All she wants is the beauty of Phoenix. Wait a second, did she say Phoenix? You've got to be kidding me. Not only that, but everyone at school wants to be her friend and all the boys fall in love with her. Boo fraking hoo, Bella, you already have the best possible circumstances for a new student in high school, what more could you want. Enter Edward Cullen.



Now, the book and the movie match up very well in the story telling of the Cullen family. Have I mentioned yet that the Vampires were cast perfectly? Kudos, casting director! I can't even decide on my favorite one, they are so perfect. However, the movie leaves out all the interesting character traits of Alice and Jasper. Alice is my favorite character due to her quirky, perky personality. I wish the movie would have developed that little more. Edward's character is the most intriguing character I have read in quite some time. His emotions are quite complex and he is the epitomal gentleman revisiting his teenage years, therefore losing a bit of his gentlemanly control. Naturally, he has some lust issues, which give him mood swings the likes of manic depressive. It's all very understandable, though. I would not have been able to help myself if I finally met the one I was meant for after 98 years of searching! This brings me back to Bella.

I really don't like this character, but my dislike is not her fault. Meyer created her to be the very "typical" cliche' high school girl with all the social awkwardness and weakness that comes with that type. My point is, I cannot identify with her at all. I was not at all like her in high school and I didn't really have any friends like her either. She is just too weak! She's incredibly clumsy, faints at the sight of blood, is afraid of needles, loses her hormonal control at times (forgiven due to it being Edward, naturally), is hopelessly void of athletic ability, and is codependent to a frightening degree. By the way, the codependency in this novel frightens me. How is codependency remotely romantic? Not exactly the role-models for the upcoming teens. Her weaknesses can't exactly be her fault entirely, though. She surpasses the maturity level of her mother and has an incredibly absentee father, so she doesn't exactly have a huge support base for a good family system. That aside, she is an English person and is pretty scholarly. She reads Austen and Shakespeare, and has a slight feminist streak (remember her paper on whether or not Shakespeare's treatment of women in Macbeth is misogynistic?) which doesn't really fit into her personality at all. Alas, Meyer's poor character building (or my hatred of the character?). Yet, Bella does her homework... good girl!



So, Bella falls in love with Edward and vise versa and he begins stalking her. Yep, there is an incredibly high and scary amount of voyeurism. Even with Jacob and the wolves, "We'll be watching" pretty much sums it all up. Again, teens find this romantic?! However, I find myself kind of liking the idea of my beloved with me all the time... then again, that could get really, really old fast. So back to the movie, the whole thing goes really fast. One of my friend's descriptions of it was that the entire thing revolved and built up to this one scene, then resolves just as quickly. Like I stated, this is exactly true. In comparing to the book, I would have appreciated a longer development of the Bella/Edward relationship... it was all too fast. Like Anne Rose said, it could have been easily (and cheaply) done with just a two minute montage of the time passing and them getting to know each other. It seems like a lot of movies could use a montage to explain a few more things. I would have liked that little addition, also due to the likelihood of Carter Burwell's compositions being added and extended. I love his music! He's a fantastic composer (Blaire Witch, Fur, Burn After Reading, Gods and Monsters) and his music mixes minor keys and rock guitar riffs which is incredibly fitting. I absolutely loved Bella's Lullaby from the movie. Haunting, poetic, and romantic (and I mean Mary Shelly romantic, not Daniel Steele romantic).




The most appealing aspect of the movie was, in addition to the music, the fantastic tribute to the Pacific Northwest. No, it wasn't really filmed in Forks, but in Oregon. This movie affirmed my undying love for trees, moss, ferns and forest. You see why I can't identify with her and her hatred of the area? The entire area was absolutely gorgeous. The house that the Cullen's lived in was exactly how I'd imagined it in the book. The sweeping scenes over the tree tops and the mountainous regions of the base of the Cascades looks like it could be a dream. Maybe I'm just projecting my desires here, but I'll see the movie again for the scenery. Oh, and the baseball scene! FANTASTIC!

Long have I waited for Muse's Supermassive Black Hole to be featured in an action scene. This was a quite appropriate use of the song. Add an American pastime and we've got a hit! With the lightning striking, thunder rolling, bats cracking... what a fantastic tribute to the scene in the book. It was much more than what the book described and an awe to witness on screen. If an Oscar could be given to a scene...

So, for the movie and the book I am on the fence. I don't mind being a fence sitter, it means I'm thinking and criticizing and arguing with myself and I like it. I hated them both as much as I loved them, so there you have it. Now I just have to read New Moon.

Quite honestly, this book is just unfair. It's going to make a new generation of women create a standard for men that men will never be able to meet. Edward, the demi-god in all his pale, muscular, amber-eyed beauty, is not and will never be embodied. Rob Pattinson does a wondrous portrayal, but Edward is still confined to the books. Meyer claims she had a dream that lead her to this story line and to the creation of this character. Personally, I think Edward is just her sad attempt to create the perfect human being that neither she, nor anyone else could ever be with. His skin sparkles, for goodness sakes. She created a trap and lined it with diamonds - we all know how women can't resist diamonds!

The most pathetic thing is I fell for it. I cannot believe I am admitting it here, but I have found myself a few times the last couple of days day dreaming about this angelic creature that is the embodiment of eighteenth century manners, whole-hearted worship of the woman he loves, and is breathtakingly gorgeous. I have to mentally slap myself to the present, "Snap out of it, Elizabeth! Your literary IQ is dropping!"

Damn her, that Stephanie Meyer! Living my life in complete ignorance of this character's existence in film or literature was just fine for me... but now I know Edward does exist in those pages and its painful. I'm going to have to stop myself from unfairly comparing men I meet to this "perfect guy" that now exists and is paining the hearts of a teenage girls, twenty-something women, and all their mothers.

I feel sorry for men with all these "women" novelists about. Meyer wasn't the first to create this scale. Jane Austen and her Mr. Darcy's, Mr. Ferris', and (my personal favorite) Mr. Tilney's, have dashed all hopes for men. Men can't live up to these expectations, but of course, I'd gladly be mistaken. Men did feel threatened by all of this back when the "Women" really were beginning to surface. The term "The Women" was developed during the early nineteenth century over brandy and cigars when the gentlemen of the ages realized that these women novelists were creating characters that they simply could not live up to, but their wives reading the novels were beginning to expect them to. The men felt threatened and started convincing people to ban the novelists, which is why we end up with pseudonyms like George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) and A lady (Jane Austen). Being the slight feminist I am, I am stunned at myself to be thinking like this. Men have made women's lives miserable for ages but you see, I am forgiving.

I have known some great men in my day, my "young" day. Men that, to some women, may be the Mr. Darcy or Mr. Tilney they seek. Friends I have are in fact, I believe, these essentially and inherently "good" men - Jason, Jeff, Thinh, Josh, Brent, Mike, Matt W, Matt H, and so on. All good men, but none of them for me and none of them Edwards. And nobody ever will be.

Please, I want opinions on my selfish opinion. Criticize me, tear my analysis apart. I just want to know what other people thought of the movie and books.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

falling down stairs

I heard the most repulsive news today. On top of the horror in India, 3 people were killed today due to violence while shopping! I am disgusted with America... with humanity. Dear God, what are we doing here?

All in all I am thankful for my life, but I don't feel I am living. There are promises of good things to come. I keep that in mind. I give thanks because I am God's beloved child, unworthy of every blessing bestowed. That's how I feel anyway. I am in a position of true desperation... I feel like I am bipolar or something because I keep going back and forth between mild satisfaction with my life at present, then complete loathing of my circumstances. I'm like an angsty teenager. I so badly want to be the kind of person who looks at things and pro-actively, happily plans for better. I act like I am doing that, but when I am alone and honest with myself I feel like a fraud and feel I'll never be out of this dark season. I'm still lost. I have been for a while.

The facts...

1) I feel now, and have always felt, a strong pull toward the Pacific Northwest where I was born and raised

2) I am hopeless when it comes to intimate relationships because I don't know anything

3) I am afraid to go to church for reasons that don't matter anymore

4) I fear no one will ever really know who I am

5) I feel like I am falling down stairs

Honesty... what a bitch. Wow, my posts aren't usually this in-your-face but like I said, I'm in a time of desperation in my life. I'm feeling my way through the dark.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

13.1

Finally, some strain of hope for myself. I accomplished something I really thought that I could not do. One week before the race I was crying on Jason's bed thinking I had no chance in hell of completing this race because I hadn't trained at all. His words of encouragement did help and I felt calmer about it, but not at all more confident in myself.

Come race weekend I woke up every hour, on the hour on the night before the race. I even dreamed that I missed the race and couldn't get to the start line and didn't have my mp3 player, which was tragic. Finally, I awoke from the dream naturally at 4:59 am and the alarm went off promptly at 5 am. Krista and I were on the road at 5:30.

The race was not exactly what I expected, but still very fun. There were just SO many people! I was expecting myself to complete the race in 3 hours so my corral was #26, WAY in the back. I didn't get across the start line until 8:30 something. Come mile 1, I already had to stop to use the restroom. The break only took 2 minutes, which is a record for a big race. Mile 2.5 was the Alamo. The thing is so small a lot of people missed it, but I have such fond memories of visiting that thing. Miles 4 and 5 were in the King Williams district, which was beautiful. Come the 10K mark I knew had just ran farther than I had ever run before and I still had 7 miles to go! I took a shot of GU and kept on trucking. Miles 8, 9, 10 went through residential areas and I was feeling really good, but by mile 10 my legs were starting to tingle. The tingle was the beginning of fatigue and I really felt it. I really had to push through miles 12 and 13 because it hurt! I had Spring Awakening blaring in my ears, so that was somewhat inspiring. I couldn't believe that the last kilometer was entirely up hill! I saw Krista so that was a huge push to run through the end of it. When I ran through the finish line, all I could think of was the free food we get at the end, oh, and the metal.

I truly accomplished something I was convinced that I could not do. This was huge for me. Being all around dissapointed with myself for a while now, this was something I can be proud of. I think I was happier about this than I was of graduating earlier this May.

Now on to the Austin 1/2 and maybe someday a full marathon. I can handle endurance, but I'm not a speedster.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Haiku Friday

Why the lack of art?
I need poetry, Haikus!
That should satisfy.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

change of heart

Well, apparently I handled the situation correctly because he had a change of heart. When he broke up with me, I cut all connections and didn't speak to him for 2 weeks. I avoided contact because I had to get used to my life sans boyfriend, an all too familiar feeling. Well, good for him and I’m so glad he figure all that stuff out for himself! It’s obviously what he needed, only I had to really get hurt in the process. The only problem with that is I have had a change of heart as well. I had just started to get on my feet and was feeling great about being free and single, but now I’m faced with getting back into this relationship.

How do I feel? Conflicted. It was quite literally last Thursday night I was sitting on my bed sobbing because I was lonely and scared and didn’t know what to do with myself. Over the course of the weekend of ACL I had a lot of time to think and really get okay with the potential of things great to come... that didn’t involve Jason. By Monday I was really optimistic! Come Tuesday evening, Jason comes back speaking of mistakes and regrets and taking advantage etc. I don’t think it was quite that dramatic, but the exact words were used. Jays has always had a way of saying the most dramatic, romantic things with silky ease that doesn't make you swoon but merely makes you smile.

A week ago I would’ve died to hear those words! It’s amazing how much of me I have healed on my own. A year ago I did not bounce back quite as fast. Well, I also had Peter Petrelli as my rebound boyfriend. I sped through 2 seasons on Heroes in 4 days!!! That aside, I am a different person than I was when I was with Jays before. Changed too quickly? Nope. I just know myself better now. I was SO cautious getting into this relationship 4 months ago, but now I am even more cautious (if that’s possible).

I am just conflicted. I’m looking for a great escape. I was ready to be a lady in waiting. Now, who knows?

Friday, September 19, 2008

unambiguous

Well, it's over. Four months to the day and that familiar whole is opened again. I feel like a bandage has been ripped off exposing an old, still healing wound. Jason and I began as friends, changed to lovers, and are now back to... something else. Uncomfortable and awkward is how I feel around him now. Ugh, and humiliated. These feelings suck. How eloquent of me...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

it never takes too long

Sometimes I feel like the most unimaginable idiot.

How many times can I really make a fool out of myself when it comes to my affections. My mind is distracted and diffused. I have come to doubt again all that I once held as true. I stand alone without beliefs, hopes, expectations. I have to examine why I keep making such terrible mistakes. Chasing has never been something I desire, but seems something I always end up doing. For now, I am still just going through the motions, but someday this has got to stop. Hello, cryptic. We've missed you.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

then we breakdown



I think as a rule people kind of panic when they graduate. It's this huge step that many have taken to brighten their future and further their lives, but it all hits you in the face once you've got that diploma in your hand.



I was talking to an old high school friend over drinks earler this summer and when the subject of current school came up she promtly asked me, "Have you had your breakdown yet?" I looked at her increadulously and said "Yeah! You too!?" Of course Carrie had, as well as so many others I know. Carrie surprised me though. She was the one who had it together, top of our class and faithful servant of God and there she goes and loses grip after college graduation as well. After speaking with Carrie, I discussed the matter with Adam, his wife Catherine, Philip, and Matt. The only one who didn't seem to have a crazy problem with graduating was Matt, who was getting married in 2 days. Everyone else had their little breakdown and are either over it or are just walking through life blindly like me. I felt a little better about it now after realizing I wasn't weird and unstable because the future scared other people too.

Now halfway finished with graduate school* I still don't have a grip on exaclty what I am intersted in doing with my life. I have two general goals, 1) making a positive influence and 2) traveling as soon as possible, as much as possible. I admire people who do have a grip on their lives. I wish I had that kind of plan. However, if there's anything I've learned in the past year is plans don't pan out like you hope sometimes. So, here I go blindly...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

lesson 1

Your head pops off your pillow and you think today is just an ordinary day, but no. Not for me. Not for all the reflection I have been doing lately. The self examination and prayer that has gone on recently is turning my mind into an entirely new form. At peace with myself is what I have longed for for months now, but getting there is the difficult part.

Then there is today. There is a sadness with what today is, but naturally there would be. It's okay to be sad. I know I can't change the past and that's how it should be, but I know now how to change what I think about it. I am a new woman, a more mature and more understanding, compassionate woman who is much more careful with her words and actions and more reflective as well. I don't know what the future is going to bring, but if I have ever learned anything from planning it's that plans change and adaptation is necessary. I am stronger and much more understanding now. I will cherish this sadness though, because it is something to be sad about and tomorrow I will go to work and school and embrace it all with a pensive demeanor.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

bending in the storm

I just watched Once with Annie and Mike, the usual company. I thought it was very good - a real story. Perfectly real ending, authentic till the end. I love how he bought her the piano in the end. I thought to myself, "That is such a 'Thinh' thing to do." It's because you have such a good heart, Thinh. There is no one else I know that would do that for someone but you, and it's nice to know someone who is like a character in a movie. You're my romantic-comedy movie star!

I still have been in a stunted journaling state. I haven't been able, or allowed myself, to write anything in months. I don't know what I feel anymore, or if I feel anything. I'm kind of going through the motions of living right now, counting the days until I am done student teaching. Nine more school days of lessons, 14 more of being there at 7AM until 4PM and working 30hrs a week.

I don't like the idea of graduating because my future seems so fuzzy and I don't do well with the unknown. I have not lived up to the person I wanted to be when I graduated from college. Bachelor's degree in Communication and I feel like God's biggest screw up. It's like there is something wrong with my programming. I think I've reached Maslow's self-actualization and have finally realized I am not the person I tricked myself into thinking I was. I fooled even myself! I'm a fantastic mistake. I'm not going to even attempt to explain myself. There's not much point to any of it.

The clouds are black and the storm has lasted months.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

too long gone

It has been way too long... I totally kick myself for not making a post on February 29! What the heck was I thinking! Being how my brain is occupied by a million other things right now, not thinking about that is the least of my problems. I look at my desk and around my room and I see lists for everything. Books I want to read, letters I have to send, prayer requests, music I want to get ahold of, tests I need to register for. The latter is by far my absolute worst enemy right now. I have at least 3 very expensive exams I have to take SOON and I am quite nervous. I think my lack of confidence in myself is directly responsible for my procrastination, but I really need pray, let it go, to get over it.

I believe that is the worst result of this looming thing and has been the aspect I have been most struggling with. It seems I have lost almost all confidence in myself and my decisions. I don't trust myself anymore, which puts a big damper on planning anything. It's ironic because I am all about the "planning" thing but now I can't seem to get past a few months from now. This is where one of my new favorite verses (and new meditations) comes in:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

That has become my new mantra and has helped me immensely. My Bible plus peppermint mochas are at the top of my favorites list right now. Up there also are jammin to the Beatles, rockin the pool table, and debating with Jeff (and other such Republicans.) My confidence is slowly returning and I must say the job offer at San Marcos helped. I am still a marketable professional with a caring personality and newfound wisdom... my vivacity is slowly returning with time.

Right now its all about the students, both high school and college. My heart is poured in them now.




Saturday, February 02, 2008

recent aquisitions




I was bequeathed this book by my adoring 2nd-cousin Bob, the famous Italian one. Of course, HE would be the one to give me this book. I actually have a bit of a past with this book, so I am going to put in on my coffee table where it was always meant to go. It really is an incredible book - not only for recipes, but for food history from every region in Italy. What a history lesson! I've been mastering my cooking skills, though not iron chef quality yet. I think Jeff and Kevin benefit from it the most, Anne is a close third. The point is, I love this book and despite the history, it was an apt gift from my cousin.

I was given the Juno soundtrack by Tyler. Then I fell in love with Kimya Dawson and my life is changed. People rave about the movie constantly, but I'm not quite sure what I think about it yet. I loved and appreciated the writing because it was amazingly smart and witty, and we all know I lack wit. This doesn't mean I am not intelligent, I'm just not funny. I'm the one who sits back and listens to witty banter, understanding all allusions and jokes there in, but never engages in the conversation myself. That given, I really appreciated the writing and delivery, but the movie as a whole didn't strike me as incredibly impressive like it seems to be for everyone else. I bet 5 years ago I would have thought it was the cat's meow, but I've moved on to loving more mature movies like There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, Godfather, etc. It's weird; these days I would take a literary, lyrical period piece over celebrity laden romantic comedies when even last year I just loved every movie I watched. Hmm. I still really want to see Once. Oh, and you can't take Sex and the City away from me. It is my only weakness.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

the student becomes the teacher

Day One: Mrs. Robinson's class

"Now here's to you Mrs. Robinson..." I love that song. Haha. I am so exhausted right now! Being with kids all day is pretty draining! Plus, four hours of Residence Hall work after that makes it that much more tough and about a 14 hour day today. I'm a zombie right now.

Day one was pretty excellent. I got off to school way too early and was there at 7:00, still completely dark. The cool thing is I get to park in all the white zones with no fear of a ticket and I get full access to that teacher's lounge in Newton, like it's some special society or something. The strangest thing is being at Central with all those memories and looking at it now with a whole new perspective. I had a sub today, so my co-teacher was not even there. I got to teach the class by myself on the first day! Exhilerating.

I had to take a survey yesterday about how I deal with stress, whether it turns into self-mutilation, becoming anti-social, sweaty palms, etc. What happens to me is at first I stop eating completely for about 3 weeks, then I shift and can't stop eating. I know this now only because the high stress that I experienced last year ended with the same result on my physical appearance in both major incidents. I see how Lauren lost all that weight... you just become too busy to eat. I came back to my apartment tonight and found half a cup of coffee and a peanut butter and banana waffle with ONE bite taken out of it lying pitifully on a napkin in my kitchen. I really was convinced that I had eaten breakfast. Seriously, I wasn't hungry all morning because I believed I had eaten that thing. I had to laugh because I had just spoken with Josh about the stress thing. Ha!

Let's see how day two goes.

Monday, January 07, 2008

How to die in California...

48 hours ago....

Just read it all. Right now I'm pretty traumatized... and extremely angry. Angry at my Dad for not listening to me and and at Italian men in general for being all around bastards! I'll get back to that in a moment, but here's the title story: (if you need to, jump to THE GOOD PART... there are NO Cassieisms exaggerations.

STORY PREP. Today was the day designated for me to go visit my Dad's cousins Bob and Fran Pastorino, which I guess makes them my second cousins. You may have seen on CNN and MSNBC and such that the storm of the decade moved in over night and was blowing trees down all over the city and the Bay area. 70-100 mile an hour gusts and rain to boot. Power lines were falling from everywhere, trees were dropping, and cars were being pushed off the roads and into parked cars while the winds blew. Four semi trucks were overturned on the Bay Bridge! The conditions were not very condusive to driving across the mountains into the Napa Valley where they all live. Sitting on my bed waiting for my Dad and Nonni to be ready, all I can hear are sirens going off at various distances in the neighborhood. Point One: I told my Dad we should reschedule for Sunday and forget the drive. Well, he didn't want to wait... and he got mad at me for tying us all up. "Don't let down your cousins, they planned a big dinner." So we left. Is that not exactly what the authorities tell you NOT to do?

Heading over the Golden Gate Bridge (Highway 101) we hear on the radio that Highway 101 is closed North and South bound after the bridge due to construction materials were blown across the highway at some areas. Due to the overturned semis closing the other bridge and 101 being closed, there was only one other way to get into the Napa Valley: California 1. Maybe you've heard of this highway? It is the one that goes from Baja California all the way to Oregon following the coastline. Beautifully depicted in a Decemberists song, the coastline highway makes one think of a sunny day of driving with the top down watching the surf of the pacific ocean. I've seen Cal 1 on one of those days, but today was not it. It is incredibly windy with hairpin turns and cliffs that fall lead straight into the rocks where high tides and those gusts I mentioned were pushing sea water UP an incredible distance. Here we are, Dad driving too fast in his little soft-top BMW convertable, 93 year old Nonni in the front seat and me in the back clenching my teeth so hard in fear my face went numb. We hit about 3 "road closed" signs, but my Dad kept finding another way to get to the one he wanted. I was praying so hard I think everyone in Heaven heard my screaming thoughts. So we're driving on this highway following a few other cars (more stupid people!) and you couldn't really see the lines on the road because debri leaves were littered everywhere. Then we see this one "road closed" sign and it is the ONLY road that leads to the other ones that lead to the valley. My dad just drives right through the barrier, my Nonni and I both firmly voicing our objections but, like everything else today, he didn't listen.

THE GOOD PART. After about 5 minutes of relatively clear road, we come to the part of the road that was obviously the reason for the closing: low water crossing about 100ft across full of water. I may have been born in California, but I grew up a Texas girl so I KNOW you don't ever EVER attempt a waterlogged road (last March's Red Arroyo and the two PIKE boys who died in the river last year played in my mind here), especially in the teeny tiny car that we were in. My dad slowed a little bit so I though we were going to turn around, but then he plunged into it! I started screaming from the backseat "No, DON'T, NOOOO!" What an idiot! This is partially why I am so angry... he wouldn't listen to me. We were okay for about 10 feet, then the water went over the hood. Instantly, the water started coming in the cracks of the doors and filling up the floor boards. My Nonni just placed her feet up on the dashboard and I abandoned my heels to the floorboard and crouched on the backseat, trying to think of what to do next. As the water poured in, I looked to my left and saw that there was a creek that I guess was the cause of the flood, but it was not a creek anymore and there was white water against the trees which meant a strong current. I put my laptop and jacket onto the back headboard and thought only that the best thing to do would be to get out through the windows and push the car backwards while we still could reach the ground. The water was only up to above my knees outside the car. The car is a coup, so there was no way for me to jump out unless Nonni let me crawl over her and out the window. I then realized the danger of power windows. All my Dad was doing was swearing loudly while trying to start the car and yelling at me to sit down. He got the window down to check the water height. He wouldn't let me out and he sure wouldn't listen to my suggestion about pushing the car backwards. By this time the middle console was submerged, I couldn't see the emergency break, and water was 3 inches covering the backseat so I was soaked from waist down. Looking outside, the water was now to the windows which meant the creek was rising. The water was rising, the car wasn't starting, and my Dad wouldn't let me out!!! I felt terrified. I couldn't get out because my Dad wasn't letting me. I'm not sure if getting out of the car was even a smart move, but it was all I could think to do... the car could go under, but at least we'd be out of it! It was actually quite terrifying becuase I was really being held in a position of danger against my will by the only man in the world divinely required to protect me. I seriously considered breaking the back window or grabbing my Nonni and going out her window, as best I could get her. Just before I was about to do something (which I think would've been breaking Nonni's window and getting she and I out) God sent two Angels and a Chariot in the form of two Mexicans and and Toyota Tundra with a 10 foot nylon rope. They pulled just ahead of us and threw my Dad the rope, who wrapped it around the steering wheel. As they pulled us, water went in over the window on my Dad's side and I saw an inch or two of murky water wanting to get in on the closed window of the passenger side. Then it receded and we were on the other side of it and on the road up the hill a little bit. Dad opened the door and water poured out and I could see the emergency break again. Water was still pooled in the floorboard and I couldn't see my heels... thank goodness I don't buy expensive shoes. By God's divine hand, the two broken-English speaking Angels had jumper cables and miracle of miracles, the BMW actually started. I was fumbling for my purse to give them something or write down their names or something, but as soon as they pulled the cables off and closed the hood, Dad backed up and then drove off! He drove off and hardly thanked them! They said they were going to follow us, but my dad didn't hear it and wouldn't listen to me while I was screaming at him to wait for them. There is nothing scarier than being in a place where you have NO control... he wouldn't let me out, he wouldn't slow down, he wouldn't stop the car, I was just trapped. It was terrifying. I never thought my Dad would ever put me and his mother in that type of situation and not consider at all anything I say.

I was wet, shaking from cold and seething with anger. Nonni was surprisingly cool in all of this. She just sat there and said her "Hail Mary's:" Thank God only her legs got wet, the water didn't quite reach her seat. I think the only thing she said after all of that was "Oh me, my stockings will have to be washed." What a trooper. I, on the other hand, was furious that my Dad even attempted such a feat more furious at the fact that he was kind of smiling from the front seat as if he had anything to do with us getting out of that mess. God is gracious and ever so protective and I really loathed my father at that point. Yes, it was mistake. People make mistakes. If they hadn't been there, we could've lost the car. Or worse, since he sat there just trying to start the damn thing and wouldn't let me out, what if the water had gone over the windows? I guess one of those tools might actually be useful, but I know none of you would ever drive knowingly into that!

But this was a BIG mistake. He risked our lives and it was totally unnecessary! I told him not to! Why won't he listen to me? Why don't they ever LISTEN to me!? Reading this you may think I'm over-reacting but I don't think I am. I was really scared. Really, really scared. I didn't panic, panic would have been getting out no matter restraint. I was just trying to think fast and mine and Nonni's lives came to the forefront of the mind at the sight of the rising water. I'm not going to justify any of my actions or reasoning or anything. What the hell would anyone do in that?

God is amazing.

This story ends happily because my Nonni is asleep in her bed in the next room and I'm writing this all on my dry laptop at 2:00 am on January 5th. We met with Bob and Fran and Bob leant me sweat pants while they dried my skirt. I was half Sunday morning church, half Saturday night football when we ate our formal Italian dinner.

I finally got to my purse. My 3 lipsticks will recover, but other things I think will not. I lost my cell phone, iPod, headphones, and brand new digital Camera and a memory card... and trust in the protection of men. Since I now have no cell phone, I don't have a chance to TALK about this to anyone, which is probably why this post is so long. I need to talk but can't, I'm shaking as I type this. Sadly, the only numbers I really have memorized are my mom's and Josh's. Plus, it's like 2 for central time.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

christmas passed

The greatest thing about Christmas is the giving. I gave the best gift to my mom this Christmas, and she even picked it out. I bought her a Bible. No longer the old King James version that has been on that bookshelf for as long as I can remember. It is her own New International Version. I don't think I could have given a better gift to anyone... only a few people will understand the significance of this.

Then there is the "getting" part of Christmas. So I actually made a pretty good haul. Here's the list:
  • gloves
  • shoes
  • scarf
  • vintage hat
  • vintage Spode dish (working on the hope chest!)
  • Focus Features box set: Lost in Translation, Pride and Prejudice, Eternal Sunshine, Contsant Gardner
  • Beth Moore's Get Out of That Pit
  • Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love
  • Philipa Gregory's The Other Boleyn Girl
  • God's Promises book
  • some money (going to the Europe Fund)
The best time really was just hanging out with Anni and Steve and my mom. At the risk of sounding like a ten year old, I won't ever outgrow the wonderful joy of reading on the couch with hot cocoa in hand. Nothing beats it.

Now all the fun and games are over. It is time to work and work hard! I have Harry Potter book 7 to finish, a presentation to prepare for RA training, the GRE to study for, and two papers to edit so they are worthy for the conferences in the spring. Grad school really can't come soon enough.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

the curse of the tall

I went to my third wedding in one week tonight. Wow! That's a lot of cake. Tonight's was by far the most interesting, but also most beautiful. The Cactus Hotel is such a perfect venue for weddings. The mezzanine, the ballroom, the lighting, the gold! It's really gorgeous, especially when it's all lit up for Christmas. They decorate that tree the same way every year. I really like traditions like that.

I caught the bouquet. Oops.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Fiery Trials

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the firey trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. 1 Peter 4:12


God is teaching me incredible lessons regading growth. I see with undeniable evidence that growth means pruning, and pruning means pain. I confess, I'm actually a coward when it comes to pain. I certainly never pray for it, but it seems to be there everyday and it may even be necessary. Moreso now that I am mourning. I do not anticipate or look forward to it, but it is there. I can do only one thing. I ask God to steady me, since the Bible so clearly states that trials are a part of our lifewalk with him. I am learning more and more about what that means.

In all honesty, I would prefer to escape this testing. To run miles and miles from it; busy myself with trivial tasks to keep away from it. I don't like the pain of emotional trauma, which seems sometimes to be so overwhelming, consumming, and baffling. I don't like the deep cutting pain that goes on without relief. The pain of lonliness frightens me, the pain of losing someone dear to me grieves me.

Nevertheless, I am praying for an open heart. I can't begin to contemplate what firey ordeals God may choose for my testing and growth, but I do long for my yieldness to prove my willingness to be conformed to the image of his Son.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

injured

Today I had a really bad "blood donating" experience. First off, my iron level was lower than usual because of my severe lack of appetite, but it still dropped just before that 15 second mark. Then when they pricked me I just bled and bled and bled. I was seriously in the chair for about 5 minutes total. The nurses looked kind of disturbed at how fast I gave the pint. When they removed the needle, I kept bleeding. It shot out of that vein like it was a ruptured artery or something, ending up all over my arm. Quite disgusting. Even after putting my arm over my head and all the correct procedures, the blood wouldn't cease. Twice I just let it gush out and form a pool of maroon on the nook of my elbow. This too disturbed those nurses. Finally, after the pressure of nurse's firm grip, it stopped and I was able to leave.

As I left, I couldn't help but feel it was some kind of metaphoric and symbolic experience for me. Yeah, I'm bleeding.... profusely. And it won't stop.

Monday, November 12, 2007

dealing

What I've been saying to myself for the past two months:

Tomorrow will be better than today.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
God please, allow tomorrow to be better than today.

I ran 12 miles total last week and blew out my ankle. Ouch.