I heard the most repulsive news today. On top of the horror in India, 3 people were killed today due to violence while shopping! I am disgusted with America... with humanity. Dear God, what are we doing here?All in all I am thankful for my life, but I don't feel I am living. There are promises of good things to come. I keep that in mind. I give thanks because I am God's beloved child, unworthy of every blessing bestowed. That's how I feel anyway. I am in a position of true desperation... I feel like I am bipolar or something because I keep going back and forth between mild satisfaction with my life at present, then complete loathing of my circumstances. I'm like an angsty teenager. I so badly want to be the kind of person who looks at things and pro-actively, happily plans for better. I act like I am doing that, but when I am alone and honest with myself I feel like a fraud and feel I'll never be out of this dark season. I'm still lost. I have been for a while.
The facts...
1) I feel now, and have always felt, a strong pull toward the Pacific Northwest where I was born and raised
2) I am hopeless when it comes to intimate relationships because I don't know anything
3) I am afraid to go to church for reasons that don't matter anymore
4) I fear no one will ever really know who I am
5) I feel like I am falling down stairs
Honesty... what a bitch. Wow, my posts aren't usually this in-your-face but like I said, I'm in a time of desperation in my life. I'm feeling my way through the dark.
2 comments:
I think that's the hardest thing to do these days...to be honest with ourselves.
Regardless of how much we push and convince ourselves that we are this different person and are content with life's happenings, the truth is at the end of the day you stay awake in bed wishing it could all be different.
At least, that's how I feel.
Boy, ain't that the truth. I appreciate the sincerity.
Post a Comment