change of heart

Well, apparently I handled the situation correctly because he had a change of heart. When he broke up with me, I cut all connections and didn't speak to him for 2 weeks. I avoided contact because I had to get used to my life sans boyfriend, an all too familiar feeling. Well, good for him and I’m so glad he figure all that stuff out for himself! It’s obviously what he needed, only I had to really get hurt in the process. The only problem with that is I have had a change of heart as well. I had just started to get on my feet and was feeling great about being free and single, but now I’m faced with getting back into this relationship.

How do I feel? Conflicted. It was quite literally last Thursday night I was sitting on my bed sobbing because I was lonely and scared and didn’t know what to do with myself. Over the course of the weekend of ACL I had a lot of time to think and really get okay with the potential of things great to come... that didn’t involve Jason. By Monday I was really optimistic! Come Tuesday evening, Jason comes back speaking of mistakes and regrets and taking advantage etc. I don’t think it was quite that dramatic, but the exact words were used. Jays has always had a way of saying the most dramatic, romantic things with silky ease that doesn't make you swoon but merely makes you smile.

A week ago I would’ve died to hear those words! It’s amazing how much of me I have healed on my own. A year ago I did not bounce back quite as fast. Well, I also had Peter Petrelli as my rebound boyfriend. I sped through 2 seasons on Heroes in 4 days!!! That aside, I am a different person than I was when I was with Jays before. Changed too quickly? Nope. I just know myself better now. I was SO cautious getting into this relationship 4 months ago, but now I am even more cautious (if that’s possible).

I am just conflicted. I’m looking for a great escape. I was ready to be a lady in waiting. Now, who knows?