bending in the storm

I just watched Once with Annie and Mike, the usual company. I thought it was very good - a real story. Perfectly real ending, authentic till the end. I love how he bought her the piano in the end. I thought to myself, "That is such a 'Thinh' thing to do." It's because you have such a good heart, Thinh. There is no one else I know that would do that for someone but you, and it's nice to know someone who is like a character in a movie. You're my romantic-comedy movie star!

I still have been in a stunted journaling state. I haven't been able, or allowed myself, to write anything in months. I don't know what I feel anymore, or if I feel anything. I'm kind of going through the motions of living right now, counting the days until I am done student teaching. Nine more school days of lessons, 14 more of being there at 7AM until 4PM and working 30hrs a week.

I don't like the idea of graduating because my future seems so fuzzy and I don't do well with the unknown. I have not lived up to the person I wanted to be when I graduated from college. Bachelor's degree in Communication and I feel like God's biggest screw up. It's like there is something wrong with my programming. I think I've reached Maslow's self-actualization and have finally realized I am not the person I tricked myself into thinking I was. I fooled even myself! I'm a fantastic mistake. I'm not going to even attempt to explain myself. There's not much point to any of it.

The clouds are black and the storm has lasted months.