adjusting

I'm finding it really odd living in a new place, starting a new life. In sum, it is not at all what I expected, but apparently it's exactly like Daniel expected. When I decided I wanted to move to San Marcos, he told me it's going to be a lot harder for you than you think. Of course, at the time I wrote him off and thought me, of all people, would do just fine. Oh, I could have never been so wrong.

To my family's chagrin, it wasn't hard because I miss my mom or my sister or my cat. I moved in with Krista, so I don't miss family. It was difficult because I had NO furniture and no room. I moved to San Marcos the day after I got back from being in Europe for a month, so adjusting to being stateside was something on its own entirely. I was living out of a suitcase I'd had for a month beforehand. Then of course, I didn't have a job and still had classes to take. Also, I got in a car accident and totaled my car, so I had my fair share of obstacles.

I'd like to say that I handled everything great, smoothly, and with grace... but I can't. At this time my sister had to leave for a month for National Guard training, so I was alone at the apartment knowing nobody else in San Marcos besides Daniel. I guess from an outside view, it doesn't look so bad but consider this:

The leading causes of stress in life are these 5 factors: moving, money, occupation, relationships, children. I was dealing with 4 of the 5 and we all know I don't have kids. My stress level was through the roof.

Eventually, I had some light at the end of the tunnel. I was offered a job at the local middle school (3 miles from my apartment!) and I was able to buy a new car and a new bed. I'm really not through the storm though, but I learned a lot about myself, some good and a lot bad. I'm proud of myself for being able to buy the car I wanted at a really great price. I did all my own research and went into the lot educated and (slightly) empowered. Even though everyone I spoke to told me I needed a man to go with me, I did it on my own. Little things like that are necessary.

Let's hope I can really get through all of this without getting burned anymore.

3 AM

I can't sleep. All I can do is listen to the hypnotic melodies of Bon Iver and wish there were a close friend on Facebook to talk to. There is no one. And this is pointless.

old boxes

I'm beginning to pack up my apartment.

Boy, have I got some things to burn.

reminiscence

With the fear that someone would be reading my blog today, I began re-reading some of my earliest entries. I knew they would be disgustingly angsty and laden with "Josh-missing", but it was really nice getting reacquainted with that girl I once was. In looking back and remembering those first few weeks of senior year, being a very naive girl of 17, I kind of realize now how happy I really was as that child. Minus the "Josh-missing", I was quite a contented, driven, young woman.

My first entries complain of the flagline not performing as well as I hoped, certain Physics and Government grades not being up to par, and working a lot... but I was happy. I had no idea of the disappointment and confidence destruction that was to come. None of that started until around December of that year. And when that all hit, it was all over and that innocense was lost. I was no longer that optimistic, sappy, fun loving child, but turned into that girl who was gripping to that dream of how relationships are "supposed to be" and remained confused and hurt as to why that wasn't playing out. Ha, and it took years to get that head back on straight. I'm thinking a lot clearer now.

I suppose there is no reason to be really ashamed at what I once wrote here. It was truly how I was feeling at that moment, and this blog preserves those feelings perfectly. So, I'm not ashamed. Somehow all of it shaped the woman I am now and I can live with that. Short hair, green eyes and a stitched up heart that I still reveal too easily, but God has me taken care of and I will be fine in this life.

Here is one of my first posts that I have to revisit because maybe I was smarter than I thought at that age:

July 21, 2003

I've always wanted to life to be like in the movies. Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl chases boy for 108 minutes (average movie time) boy finally falls for girl, boy and girl live happily ever after. That's just the hopeless romantic in me. Life is never like that, it lacks the serendipity. For example, my romantic life has been somewhat of a disaster. Everything usually ends horribly before it even begins, and I've gotten used to the hurt. Yet, it has made me a perfect relationship analyst. You give me a recently ended relationship and I'll give you a detailed description of exactly what went wrong. However, I've recently experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that changed the way I view myself and love.

Number one: People dwell too much on finding love when love is really supposed to find you.

Number two: Why are we looking for love at this young age in the first place? We should stop trying to grow up so fast, live in the moment! Watch the sunrise with close friends, it's an amazing experience.

Number three: Stop dwelling in the past and complaining about ex-boyfriends and past relationships. I'm positive Thinh and Josh are sick of hearing it. From now on nobody will ever hear me talk about it again. (With the exception of Ashlin, who I share everything with and she understands completely even if I get annoying) So, I will no longer feel sorry for myself and I'll start just living in the moment.

Number four: HAVE NO REGRETS!!! Tell someone the way you feel at the risk of sounding like an idiot. Life's no fun if you don't take risks.

flames

I am having a very difficult time right now trusting people... myself in particular. From a young girl utterly surrounded by dysfunction, I don't understand how I got involved in such dysfunctional relationships when I grew up. You think I would run so fast in the opposite direction if anyone ever showed any signs they were like my father, but no. I seem to run into their open arms!

I feel like one of the women from Lifetime, defending the men I dated (save one, because the following post does not apply) saying "But they were really nice on the inside, they don't mean to be like that." Ugh, please, Elizabeth... you're so much smarter than that!

It's not my smarts. It's my passion that is my issue. My God-damned fickle flame that lights much too easily and is extinguished just as so. My smarts come in when I realize I need to get out of the relationship, and eventually I do. And then I sit here and think "What the HELL was I thinking?" Reflecting back on the two, I realize how screwed up things were and I begin to fear myself and my decisions. How could I stay in that type of setting? Threats, force, obsession, more threats... It goes to prove the adage, you really don't know someone until you divorce 'em. Or break-up with them in my case. I feel like I need to warn future victims or something.

Essentially, I feel very disappointed with myself and my past relationship decisions. It is not a good feeling. It hurts.

However, I must add that something has changed. Getting involved with Daniel has been one of the most rewarding experiences. There is something about that kid that drives me crazy and I often feel that I don't deserve the way he treats me. This is by far the most supportive, functional, normal relationship I have ever been in and that gives me hope. But most of all, and most important of all, he gives me confidence... which is the one thing I am most in need. I can't even begin to know how to thank him for that.

getting out

Whoever says there is nothing to do in San Angelo was not very creative. Honestly, there are not a ton of crazy-entertaining kinds of things to do, but I have never been really painstakingly bored here. I've always been one to entertain myself very easily, partly why long-distance relationships aren't too harsh for me. I always knew there was unexplored territory in San Angelo, and the Twin Buttes were definitely first on my list. When Jeff told me they were private property, they became that much more appealing. So Diana and I decided to go hiking and ended up going the whole way up... over fences and under barbed wire, we made it to the top of the pentacle of the San Angelo horizon. It was fantastic. Again, I hold that you just have to get creative to have fun in this city. Such as night driving, lawn-napping, running, night-swimming, etc. We've done a lot of crazy shit in this town that didn't involve alcohol or drug use of any kind, just good ol' fashioned trucks and adrenaline. I've had fun in this city.

That being said - San Angelo is defined on Urbandictionary.com as:

A small town in the middle of Texas that probably wouldn't exist if it didn't have Angelo State University or Goodfellow Air-force Base. It is most famous for the home of the latin/rock group, Los Lonely Boys.

Most of San Angelo's citizens socialize at one of three places: Hastings, Sunset Mall, or Graham Central Station.

It is also metaphorically described as a "whirlpool" or "black hole," meaning that people who come to this town find it hard to permanently leave.

Aaron Waston, a Texas country artist, also wrote a song about it.

"Dude, you'll never leave San Angelo... its a big whirlpool."

In the words of Jim from the Office, "Spot on!" Yes, that is exactly how I would describe San Angelo and it's suction effects. The big news is, I am finally getting out. Yes, you read correctly, I am leaving San Angelo. I will no longer reside in this city and will save a hell of a lot of gas money. My older sister asked me to move in with her down in San Marcos and it could not be a more perfect transition for me. When I think about it, I've been trying to get to this area for years, but school has always held me back. Now that I'll have my Masters and all I am now ready to go. So, when I get back from Italy in June, I'm packing up the truck and getting down there.

BIG PLUS: Closer to Krista, closer to Daniel, closer to Tantra, closer to Austin... it's the closest place to California I've ever been. It's settled, I'm on my way.

I can't wait to live near Daniel. It's going to be fantastic.

two weeks

Cassie knows me well, actually. Two weeks, that's all it takes. Ever since 10th grade, just two weeks.

I am a selfish person. We are all selfish by nature, but I have acted very very selfishly. It's just when I know what I want, I gotta have it. I just GO for it, no matter what. I had to have this. That boy got into the picture and never left. I can't stop thinking about him. This is big. As in this feeling is very VERY new to me, either because it's been years since I've been this happy or it s because it is just a brand new feeling. I'm not sure.

The cool thing is, I am comfortable with distances. Very comfortable, actually. This won't be too bad for about 6 months, then I can move down there, which has been my plan for months, years actually. Since the Austin marathon in 2007.

I need to start making some driving playlists, San Marcos is exactly 3.5 hours away.

I feel joyous. His name is Daniel.

change of heart

So in the end, the change of heart was my own. Around my birthday I finally came to realize what I really wanted out of life. I believe God revealed a glimpse of my path, so I’m taking it all on full force. Unfortunately, I lacked an impetus and am just getting to it now, but better late than never. I realized I wanted to change some things and I wanted to get reacquainted with myself. Finally I was able to get some real work done.

The first casualty of all this, sadly, is my relationship with Jason. After those little bumps we went through, it was me this time who had the change of heart. When I lost some feelings I realized I wasn’t trying to find them again. I need to be with me and cannot share myself with anyone else right now. Jason and I just don’t fit into each other’s lives right now and I don’t want to force anything. My priorities revolve around school, work, and my well-being and that is what I am comfortable with. An intimate relationship could work for me if it fit, but this one doesn’t. Jason is my best friend and there he will stay, if he is mature enough to handle it.

What’s next? Well, I’m continuing to work on my master’s degree and am focusing on research. I will be working closely with the High Schools and Elementary schools this semester, presenting my GOALS presentation at seminars. I’ll also be training for a few Triathlons and will be supporting Krista through her 1/2 Ironman. Then there is this BOY that keeps popping into my life and it's driving me crazy. I have Italy and Greece to look forward to, as well as graduating with my M.Ed in May.

God has blessed me with so much, so I’m going to enjoy being me for a little while.

our life is not a movie or maybe

Some of things happening in my life recently don't feel very real. I feel as if I'm walking through a scripted scene, with occurrences popping up just like in Hollywood. I guess, in a sense I am and God is the director and the screenplay is my life mapped out ahead of me with surprises along the way. Maybe Shakespeare had it all completely correct!

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:

This is all mainly due to my kind of "long lost" sister. I'm not going to begin to explain my family structure because it is all very confusing, but I do have a sister that I only met a few times when I was 3 or 4.

Her name is Lisa and she is married with two girls. She lives in Chico, CA. I don't really remember her, but I have seen pictures of us together. She is my dad's daughter from his first wife, and that's all I'm going to say about that. Anyway, she contacted Annie and I a few months ago and we have been in contact through email. When Annie and I made our Christmas plans, she agreed to meet us in San Francisco. We are going to spend a couple days with her and then my dad, Nonnie, Annie, Lisa, and I are going to dinner together. This is a huge undertaking, mostly due to the turmoil in out past. What a fantastic experience. I can't wait!

Honestly, this all feels very weird. How odd is it to meet someone full grown who shares half of your DNA, or however sisters share DNA. I mean, it is all exciting but very strange!

creative souls

Catherine Hardwicke, director of Twilight, will not be returning to direct New Moon (which is coming up frighteningly fast.) This is a pretty severe disappointment due to her awesome, creative spirit that really comes to life in Twilight. She was the one behind all those creative shots of the mountains, tree line, waterfalls, deep dark forest, etc. Apparently I'm really into nature shots. That was what made that movie wonderful for me! The Pacific Northwest in all its glory! This is really unfortunate for the up coming films. I'm kind of afraid of how they are going to approach New Moon now. It has quickly become my favorite in the series (though I've only read two of them, I'm not letting myself read Eclipse yet because I am fearing an obsession to bad literature, bad as in terrible but additively awesome.) I'll say a little something about why it's my favorite after finals, but now I'm focusing on Adler, Rogers, and Perls.

Anyway, I wish it was Kristen Stewart who was announcing her leave. The woman can't act - she has two faces: perplexed coupled with in awe and frustrated coupled with distressed, both of which look strikingly similar save one small factor: she bites her lip when she's distressed.



Maybe she's cool in Into the Wild, which I haven't been able to see yet. I'm wanting to read that first along with Dharma Bums and On the Road again (both of which are set in the Pacific Northwest). Kerouac is freaking fantastic! I'm taking a turn for good literature.

Twilight - "My own brand of heroine."

Anyone who has ever met me knows of my ridiculous obsession with movies. However, my movie criticism is of less note. Josh would always tell me I like every movie, but that is not necessarily true, though I do tend to love the "bad" ones from time to time. I guess I am a more forgiving critic. I may hate the acting, but love complexities of the character or I may not like the plot, but enjoy the scenery. I generally just love good stories, which is probably an overflow of my obsession with books. I suppose I'm a bit too forgiving in that regard as well, because I tend to enjoy some unusual books as well. I don't like to be too critical, it makes me feel mean. I'm Miss Positive and I try to find good in everything, though I don't think I'll ever find it in rap music so I abstain. This all leads me to my recent viewing of Twilight.



Again, I don't want to be too critical, but when I can't control myself - this happens. My entirely selfish review:

Stephanie Meyer's books have been at the top of the best seller charts going on 3 years now, and it seems it's the adolescent female response to the Harry Potter phenomenon. These "series" books are the new boy bands, and with stunners like Rob Pattinson, Jackson Rathbone, and even Daniel Radcliff coming into his own right as a teen heart throb, it is understandable the obsession factor. I was once a pre-teen, I understand fully when I think of my embarrassing lust for Leonardo DiCaprio.

The movie is intoxicating, and not like Hemingway's cognac, but maybe Doc's home brew of malt liqueur on the Row. It gives you a hangover when you leave, the headache being Kristen Stewart's acting and the fond, yet embarrassing memories of the night-before being Rob Pattinson's portrayal of Edward. You leave with the bitter taste of angsty behavior and a new crush on a up and coming English man. In comparing to the book, it pales... literally. The plot follows decently, but is very slow in building. Then it peeks suddenly and falls just as so. The action is all in one area, but you don't have the fear of the predator vampires to make it all that emotionally moving. The book does a great job of making the "hunt" seem more like a hunt, and it actually makes you fear James. Though, I'm trying not to build up Meyer's writing too much. It's actually quite poor, but still addicting. It seems like it could have been written by any day-dreaming high school student. I've read papers with better prose from my 10th graders.

So Bella moves to a new place and tries to orient herself to her new surroundings. New, beautiful, green Pacific Northwest surroundings, of which she is entirely ungrateful for. All she wants is the beauty of Phoenix. Wait a second, did she say Phoenix? You've got to be kidding me. Not only that, but everyone at school wants to be her friend and all the boys fall in love with her. Boo fraking hoo, Bella, you already have the best possible circumstances for a new student in high school, what more could you want. Enter Edward Cullen.



Now, the book and the movie match up very well in the story telling of the Cullen family. Have I mentioned yet that the Vampires were cast perfectly? Kudos, casting director! I can't even decide on my favorite one, they are so perfect. However, the movie leaves out all the interesting character traits of Alice and Jasper. Alice is my favorite character due to her quirky, perky personality. I wish the movie would have developed that little more. Edward's character is the most intriguing character I have read in quite some time. His emotions are quite complex and he is the epitomal gentleman revisiting his teenage years, therefore losing a bit of his gentlemanly control. Naturally, he has some lust issues, which give him mood swings the likes of manic depressive. It's all very understandable, though. I would not have been able to help myself if I finally met the one I was meant for after 98 years of searching! This brings me back to Bella.

I really don't like this character, but my dislike is not her fault. Meyer created her to be the very "typical" cliche' high school girl with all the social awkwardness and weakness that comes with that type. My point is, I cannot identify with her at all. I was not at all like her in high school and I didn't really have any friends like her either. She is just too weak! She's incredibly clumsy, faints at the sight of blood, is afraid of needles, loses her hormonal control at times (forgiven due to it being Edward, naturally), is hopelessly void of athletic ability, and is codependent to a frightening degree. By the way, the codependency in this novel frightens me. How is codependency remotely romantic? Not exactly the role-models for the upcoming teens. Her weaknesses can't exactly be her fault entirely, though. She surpasses the maturity level of her mother and has an incredibly absentee father, so she doesn't exactly have a huge support base for a good family system. That aside, she is an English person and is pretty scholarly. She reads Austen and Shakespeare, and has a slight feminist streak (remember her paper on whether or not Shakespeare's treatment of women in Macbeth is misogynistic?) which doesn't really fit into her personality at all. Alas, Meyer's poor character building (or my hatred of the character?). Yet, Bella does her homework... good girl!



So, Bella falls in love with Edward and vise versa and he begins stalking her. Yep, there is an incredibly high and scary amount of voyeurism. Even with Jacob and the wolves, "We'll be watching" pretty much sums it all up. Again, teens find this romantic?! However, I find myself kind of liking the idea of my beloved with me all the time... then again, that could get really, really old fast. So back to the movie, the whole thing goes really fast. One of my friend's descriptions of it was that the entire thing revolved and built up to this one scene, then resolves just as quickly. Like I stated, this is exactly true. In comparing to the book, I would have appreciated a longer development of the Bella/Edward relationship... it was all too fast. Like Anne Rose said, it could have been easily (and cheaply) done with just a two minute montage of the time passing and them getting to know each other. It seems like a lot of movies could use a montage to explain a few more things. I would have liked that little addition, also due to the likelihood of Carter Burwell's compositions being added and extended. I love his music! He's a fantastic composer (Blaire Witch, Fur, Burn After Reading, Gods and Monsters) and his music mixes minor keys and rock guitar riffs which is incredibly fitting. I absolutely loved Bella's Lullaby from the movie. Haunting, poetic, and romantic (and I mean Mary Shelly romantic, not Daniel Steele romantic).




The most appealing aspect of the movie was, in addition to the music, the fantastic tribute to the Pacific Northwest. No, it wasn't really filmed in Forks, but in Oregon. This movie affirmed my undying love for trees, moss, ferns and forest. You see why I can't identify with her and her hatred of the area? The entire area was absolutely gorgeous. The house that the Cullen's lived in was exactly how I'd imagined it in the book. The sweeping scenes over the tree tops and the mountainous regions of the base of the Cascades looks like it could be a dream. Maybe I'm just projecting my desires here, but I'll see the movie again for the scenery. Oh, and the baseball scene! FANTASTIC!

Long have I waited for Muse's Supermassive Black Hole to be featured in an action scene. This was a quite appropriate use of the song. Add an American pastime and we've got a hit! With the lightning striking, thunder rolling, bats cracking... what a fantastic tribute to the scene in the book. It was much more than what the book described and an awe to witness on screen. If an Oscar could be given to a scene...

So, for the movie and the book I am on the fence. I don't mind being a fence sitter, it means I'm thinking and criticizing and arguing with myself and I like it. I hated them both as much as I loved them, so there you have it. Now I just have to read New Moon.

Quite honestly, this book is just unfair. It's going to make a new generation of women create a standard for men that men will never be able to meet. Edward, the demi-god in all his pale, muscular, amber-eyed beauty, is not and will never be embodied. Rob Pattinson does a wondrous portrayal, but Edward is still confined to the books. Meyer claims she had a dream that lead her to this story line and to the creation of this character. Personally, I think Edward is just her sad attempt to create the perfect human being that neither she, nor anyone else could ever be with. His skin sparkles, for goodness sakes. She created a trap and lined it with diamonds - we all know how women can't resist diamonds!

The most pathetic thing is I fell for it. I cannot believe I am admitting it here, but I have found myself a few times the last couple of days day dreaming about this angelic creature that is the embodiment of eighteenth century manners, whole-hearted worship of the woman he loves, and is breathtakingly gorgeous. I have to mentally slap myself to the present, "Snap out of it, Elizabeth! Your literary IQ is dropping!"

Damn her, that Stephanie Meyer! Living my life in complete ignorance of this character's existence in film or literature was just fine for me... but now I know Edward does exist in those pages and its painful. I'm going to have to stop myself from unfairly comparing men I meet to this "perfect guy" that now exists and is paining the hearts of a teenage girls, twenty-something women, and all their mothers.

I feel sorry for men with all these "women" novelists about. Meyer wasn't the first to create this scale. Jane Austen and her Mr. Darcy's, Mr. Ferris', and (my personal favorite) Mr. Tilney's, have dashed all hopes for men. Men can't live up to these expectations, but of course, I'd gladly be mistaken. Men did feel threatened by all of this back when the "Women" really were beginning to surface. The term "The Women" was developed during the early nineteenth century over brandy and cigars when the gentlemen of the ages realized that these women novelists were creating characters that they simply could not live up to, but their wives reading the novels were beginning to expect them to. The men felt threatened and started convincing people to ban the novelists, which is why we end up with pseudonyms like George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) and A lady (Jane Austen). Being the slight feminist I am, I am stunned at myself to be thinking like this. Men have made women's lives miserable for ages but you see, I am forgiving.

I have known some great men in my day, my "young" day. Men that, to some women, may be the Mr. Darcy or Mr. Tilney they seek. Friends I have are in fact, I believe, these essentially and inherently "good" men - Jason, Jeff, Thinh, Josh, Brent, Mike, Matt W, Matt H, and so on. All good men, but none of them for me and none of them Edwards. And nobody ever will be.

Please, I want opinions on my selfish opinion. Criticize me, tear my analysis apart. I just want to know what other people thought of the movie and books.

falling down stairs

I heard the most repulsive news today. On top of the horror in India, 3 people were killed today due to violence while shopping! I am disgusted with America... with humanity. Dear God, what are we doing here?

All in all I am thankful for my life, but I don't feel I am living. There are promises of good things to come. I keep that in mind. I give thanks because I am God's beloved child, unworthy of every blessing bestowed. That's how I feel anyway. I am in a position of true desperation... I feel like I am bipolar or something because I keep going back and forth between mild satisfaction with my life at present, then complete loathing of my circumstances. I'm like an angsty teenager. I so badly want to be the kind of person who looks at things and pro-actively, happily plans for better. I act like I am doing that, but when I am alone and honest with myself I feel like a fraud and feel I'll never be out of this dark season. I'm still lost. I have been for a while.

The facts...

1) I feel now, and have always felt, a strong pull toward the Pacific Northwest where I was born and raised

2) I am hopeless when it comes to intimate relationships because I don't know anything

3) I am afraid to go to church for reasons that don't matter anymore

4) I fear no one will ever really know who I am

5) I feel like I am falling down stairs

Honesty... what a bitch. Wow, my posts aren't usually this in-your-face but like I said, I'm in a time of desperation in my life. I'm feeling my way through the dark.

Haiku Friday - 11.21

Tonight a movie.
Tomorrow the theater.
Art can be found here.

13.1

Finally, some strain of hope for myself. I accomplished something I really thought that I could not do. One week before the race I was crying on Jason's bed thinking I had no chance in hell of completing this race because I hadn't trained at all. His words of encouragement did help and I felt calmer about it, but not at all more confident in myself.

Come race weekend I woke up every hour, on the hour on the night before the race. I even dreamed that I missed the race and couldn't get to the start line and didn't have my mp3 player, which was tragic. Finally, I awoke from the dream naturally at 4:59 am and the alarm went off promptly at 5 am. Krista and I were on the road at 5:30.

The race was not exactly what I expected, but still very fun. There were just SO many people! I was expecting myself to complete the race in 3 hours so my corral was #26, WAY in the back. I didn't get across the start line until 8:30 something. Come mile 1, I already had to stop to use the restroom. The break only took 2 minutes, which is a record for a big race. Mile 2.5 was the Alamo. The thing is so small a lot of people missed it, but I have such fond memories of visiting that thing. Miles 4 and 5 were in the King Williams district, which was beautiful. Come the 10K mark I knew had just ran farther than I had ever run before and I still had 7 miles to go! I took a shot of GU and kept on trucking. Miles 8, 9, 10 went through residential areas and I was feeling really good, but by mile 10 my legs were starting to tingle. The tingle was the beginning of fatigue and I really felt it. I really had to push through miles 12 and 13 because it hurt! I had Spring Awakening blaring in my ears, so that was somewhat inspiring. I couldn't believe that the last kilometer was entirely up hill! I saw Krista so that was a huge push to run through the end of it. When I ran through the finish line, all I could think of was the free food we get at the end, oh, and the metal.

I truly accomplished something I was convinced that I could not do. This was huge for me. Being all around dissapointed with myself for a while now, this was something I can be proud of. I think I was happier about this than I was of graduating earlier this May.

Now on to the Austin 1/2 and maybe someday a full marathon. I can handle endurance, but I'm not a speedster.

Haiku Friday

Why the lack of art?
I need poetry, Haikus!
That should satisfy.

change of heart

Well, apparently I handled the situation correctly because he had a change of heart. When he broke up with me, I cut all connections and didn't speak to him for 2 weeks. I avoided contact because I had to get used to my life sans boyfriend, an all too familiar feeling. Well, good for him and I’m so glad he figure all that stuff out for himself! It’s obviously what he needed, only I had to really get hurt in the process. The only problem with that is I have had a change of heart as well. I had just started to get on my feet and was feeling great about being free and single, but now I’m faced with getting back into this relationship.

How do I feel? Conflicted. It was quite literally last Thursday night I was sitting on my bed sobbing because I was lonely and scared and didn’t know what to do with myself. Over the course of the weekend of ACL I had a lot of time to think and really get okay with the potential of things great to come... that didn’t involve Jason. By Monday I was really optimistic! Come Tuesday evening, Jason comes back speaking of mistakes and regrets and taking advantage etc. I don’t think it was quite that dramatic, but the exact words were used. Jays has always had a way of saying the most dramatic, romantic things with silky ease that doesn't make you swoon but merely makes you smile.

A week ago I would’ve died to hear those words! It’s amazing how much of me I have healed on my own. A year ago I did not bounce back quite as fast. Well, I also had Peter Petrelli as my rebound boyfriend. I sped through 2 seasons on Heroes in 4 days!!! That aside, I am a different person than I was when I was with Jays before. Changed too quickly? Nope. I just know myself better now. I was SO cautious getting into this relationship 4 months ago, but now I am even more cautious (if that’s possible).

I am just conflicted. I’m looking for a great escape. I was ready to be a lady in waiting. Now, who knows?

unambiguous

Well, it's over. Four months to the day and that familiar whole is opened again. I feel like a bandage has been ripped off exposing an old, still healing wound. Jason and I began as friends, changed to lovers, and are now back to... something else. Uncomfortable and awkward is how I feel around him now. Ugh, and humiliated. These feelings suck. How eloquent of me...

it never takes too long

Sometimes I feel like the most unimaginable idiot.

How many times can I really make a fool out of myself when it comes to my affections. My mind is distracted and diffused. I have come to doubt again all that I once held as true. I stand alone without beliefs, hopes, expectations. I have to examine why I keep making such terrible mistakes. Chasing has never been something I desire, but seems something I always end up doing. For now, I am still just going through the motions, but someday this has got to stop. Hello, cryptic. We've missed you.

then we breakdown

I think as a rule people kind of panic when they graduate. It's this huge step that many have taken to brighten their future and further their lives, but it all hits you in the face once you've got that diploma in your hand.

I was talking to an old high school friend over drinks earler this summer and when the subject of current school came up she promtly asked me, "Have you had your breakdown yet?" I looked at her increadulously and said "Yeah! You too!?" Of course Carrie had, as well as so many others I know. Carrie surprised me though. She was the one who had it together, top of our class and faithful servant of God and there she goes and loses grip after college graduation as well. After speaking with Carrie, I discussed the matter with Adam, his wife Catherine, Philip, and Matt. The only one who didn't seem to have a crazy problem with graduating was Matt, who was getting married in 2 days. Everyone else had their little breakdown and are either over it or are just walking through life blindly like me. I felt a little better about it now after realizing I wasn't weird and unstable because the future scared other people too.

Now halfway finished with graduate school* I still don't have a grip on exaclty what I am intersted in doing with my life. I have two general goals, 1) making a positive influence and 2) traveling as soon as possible, as much as possible. I admire people who do have a grip on their lives. I wish I had that kind of plan. However, if there's anything I've learned in the past year is plans don't pan out like you hope sometimes. So, here I go blindly...

lesson 1

Your head pops off your pillow and you think today is just an ordinary day, but no. Not for me. Not for all the reflection I have been doing lately. The self examination and prayer that has gone on recently is turning my mind into an entirely new form. At peace with myself is what I have longed for for months now, but getting there is the difficult part.

Then there is today. There is a sadness with what today is, but naturally there would be. It's okay to be sad. I know I can't change the past and that's how it should be, but I know now how to change what I think about it. I am a new woman, a more mature and more understanding, compassionate woman who is much more careful with her words and actions and more reflective as well. I don't know what the future is going to bring, but if I have ever learned anything from planning it's that plans change and adaptation is necessary. I am stronger and much more understanding now. I will cherish this sadness though, because it is something to be sad about and tomorrow I will go to work and school and embrace it all with a pensive demeanor.