flames

I am having a very difficult time right now trusting people... myself in particular. From a young girl utterly surrounded by dysfunction, I don't understand how I got involved in such dysfunctional relationships when I grew up. You think I would run so fast in the opposite direction if anyone ever showed any signs they were like my father, but no. I seem to run into their open arms!

I feel like one of the women from Lifetime, defending the men I dated (save one, because the following post does not apply) saying "But they were really nice on the inside, they don't mean to be like that." Ugh, please, Elizabeth... you're so much smarter than that!

It's not my smarts. It's my passion that is my issue. My God-damned fickle flame that lights much too easily and is extinguished just as so. My smarts come in when I realize I need to get out of the relationship, and eventually I do. And then I sit here and think "What the HELL was I thinking?" Reflecting back on the two, I realize how screwed up things were and I begin to fear myself and my decisions. How could I stay in that type of setting? Threats, force, obsession, more threats... It goes to prove the adage, you really don't know someone until you divorce 'em. Or break-up with them in my case. I feel like I need to warn future victims or something.

Essentially, I feel very disappointed with myself and my past relationship decisions. It is not a good feeling. It hurts.

However, I must add that something has changed. Getting involved with Daniel has been one of the most rewarding experiences. There is something about that kid that drives me crazy and I often feel that I don't deserve the way he treats me. This is by far the most supportive, functional, normal relationship I have ever been in and that gives me hope. But most of all, and most important of all, he gives me confidence... which is the one thing I am most in need. I can't even begin to know how to thank him for that.