reminiscence

With the fear that someone would be reading my blog today, I began re-reading some of my earliest entries. I knew they would be disgustingly angsty and laden with "Josh-missing", but it was really nice getting reacquainted with that girl I once was. In looking back and remembering those first few weeks of senior year, being a very naive girl of 17, I kind of realize now how happy I really was as that child. Minus the "Josh-missing", I was quite a contented, driven, young woman.

My first entries complain of the flagline not performing as well as I hoped, certain Physics and Government grades not being up to par, and working a lot... but I was happy. I had no idea of the disappointment and confidence destruction that was to come. None of that started until around December of that year. And when that all hit, it was all over and that innocense was lost. I was no longer that optimistic, sappy, fun loving child, but turned into that girl who was gripping to that dream of how relationships are "supposed to be" and remained confused and hurt as to why that wasn't playing out. Ha, and it took years to get that head back on straight. I'm thinking a lot clearer now.

I suppose there is no reason to be really ashamed at what I once wrote here. It was truly how I was feeling at that moment, and this blog preserves those feelings perfectly. So, I'm not ashamed. Somehow all of it shaped the woman I am now and I can live with that. Short hair, green eyes and a stitched up heart that I still reveal too easily, but God has me taken care of and I will be fine in this life.

Here is one of my first posts that I have to revisit because maybe I was smarter than I thought at that age:

July 21, 2003

I've always wanted to life to be like in the movies. Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl chases boy for 108 minutes (average movie time) boy finally falls for girl, boy and girl live happily ever after. That's just the hopeless romantic in me. Life is never like that, it lacks the serendipity. For example, my romantic life has been somewhat of a disaster. Everything usually ends horribly before it even begins, and I've gotten used to the hurt. Yet, it has made me a perfect relationship analyst. You give me a recently ended relationship and I'll give you a detailed description of exactly what went wrong. However, I've recently experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that changed the way I view myself and love.

Number one: People dwell too much on finding love when love is really supposed to find you.

Number two: Why are we looking for love at this young age in the first place? We should stop trying to grow up so fast, live in the moment! Watch the sunrise with close friends, it's an amazing experience.

Number three: Stop dwelling in the past and complaining about ex-boyfriends and past relationships. I'm positive Thinh and Josh are sick of hearing it. From now on nobody will ever hear me talk about it again. (With the exception of Ashlin, who I share everything with and she understands completely even if I get annoying) So, I will no longer feel sorry for myself and I'll start just living in the moment.

Number four: HAVE NO REGRETS!!! Tell someone the way you feel at the risk of sounding like an idiot. Life's no fun if you don't take risks.