There are some things that I have strong convictions for avoiding and others that I am a little more lenient about. I guess this can all be separated into foods, apparel, and toiletries.

FOODS

For one, I am avoiding beef like the plague these days. Since last July, I can count on one hand the number of times that I've eaten beef (neither time was ground beef) When I was in SF over the summer, I was informed of some horror stories about mad cow and I'd rather not take my chances. My children will not either, no hamburgers. Unless of course it is organic, free grazing grass fed cattle. I am beef free.

Another one is white flower and white sugar. No grain or sugar occurs that white naturally. I know that when those two go through the processing plant, bleach is added. This is easily remedied becuase you can get ahold of natural cane sugar or sugar in the raw and wheat flour at all grocery stores now. No matter how awesome bleach is, I will avoid.

When it comes to organic food, I have mixed feelings. It comes down to taste and pesticides. Do you want to eat pesticides on all your vegitables and have you ever had an all organic salad? It just plain tastes better. I guess it's personal taste too, but man, carrots are more carroty and apples just burst. I'd take soy and flaxseed chips over Lays any damn day. Some of my favorite things (even if they're not organic) are only found in natural foodstores such as Kettle Chips, Blue Sky Sodas, Reed's Ginger Ale, Panda Licorice, Good Earth Tea, and Kasha. Man, you must have a deep pocket if you're going to eat primarily organic. Expensive: yes. Worth it: I can't say for sure, it's on a conditional basis.

Tune in next time for my explanation of natural toilettries.

Tristan & Isolde

I know when this movie is first observed it screams chic flick, but looks are deceiving. The battle scenes are pretty impressive and action packed, would not expect anything less from Reynolds (Though I kind of wish I could see a version of this movie tht the Scott brothers whip together.) There are a few stunts that caught my attention, such as when the actors jump to kill a man on the ground the camera is at a perfect position to make you gasp. Supherb cinamatography, you'll know what I'm talking about when you see the movie.

I like this movie for the same reasons I enjoy Romeo and Juliet: there's no fairytale ending. It's real and you can feel the power of it. So real that you can understand that this can and probaly did actually happen. If you aren't crying by the end, you will still feel the grief hours after the theatre. Seriously, this movie made me feel actual grief! Just like Romeo and Juliet did when I watched it for the first time. Actual tugs at my heartstrings, this one. Personaly, I think the actors did awesome and were perfectly cast. Especially Tristan (James Franco) and Lord Marke (Rufus Sewell) , pretty damn convincing. Although I think Reynolds was more preocupied with the battle scenes than the scenes of desire and that's where it was a little disapointing. It had a little more potential, but overall I still think it was great.

"There's something beautiful about a well-made tragic love story. It may not be as uplifting as one with a happy ending, but it's more cathartic. Tears, they say, are good for the soul, and few will leave Tristan & Isolde with dry eyes. It is an affecting motion picture with enough romance to satisfy those who appreciate that genre, and enough swordplay and battle scenes to keep lovers of derring-do from becoming restless."

"The ad's designers pull in close on the pretty faces of Franco and Myles hoping that generic contemporary hotness will sell tickets."

OK, I'm done. A-

Friday the thirteenth

.

Elliot Smith

either/or

I feel I discovered Elliot Smith for myself way too late. I wish I would've been more into his music when he was alive. I thouroughly enjoy it now, but in high school I would have loved it. It's sad when a thing like this happens. I was sitting in my dorm room casually watching Good Will Hunting and I heard the song "Between the Bars' and was hooked. I bought the album a day afterward, the first purchase of the semester. I can't believe I only discovered him this year! This album is awesome, awesome, awesome. Other favs of mine even have major referrences to him, how did I not catch these years ago? His life was pretty cool as well. He graduated from college with a degree in philosophy and politicol science, two subjects that fascinate me to no end but I'm too scared to dedicate myslef to them. Ben Folds' Late and Weezer's The Other Way are both about him. Can't live without this CD.

"I can be another fool or an exception to the rule. You decide the morning after."

Things on the tube that got a lot of watching out of me.
My Viewers Choice:

FIREFLY


This show was really, REALLY awesome and again it's one I discovered a little too late. Josh mentioned it a few times, but it was Jerry who forced me to watch a couple of episodes. I was hooked. Brandon had to let me borrow his DVD's, though I discovered recently SciFi picked it up. They had a marathon the day I had my wisdom teeth taken out so I was delightfully suprised! Of course it's one of those shows that Fox cut way too early and that disappoints me greatly. No worries, Universal made a movie out of it so that good news for us bad news for Fox. Just think what wouldn've happened if Fox cut Star Wars, hmm? The character development was so good that you had to love every one of them and the writing was that fast, dry humor that forced you to laugh out loud long after the scene was over. Brilliant, I say.

GREY'S ANATOMY


This show is pretty new, first season being January 2005. I adore it. It's Chicago Hope meets ER meets Friends. Sandra Oh gives a stunning performance as the thick skinned, tough, emotionless yet brilliantly talented intern. I love her character, it's no wonder she's up for a Golden Globe. I identifly most with the innocent-finding-herself, Izzy, who is ironicaly named Elizabeth. This is my new Sex and the City.

SUPERNATURAL


This is also a new show consisting of Angel meets Buffy the Vampire. Two brothers traveling the country solving supernatural mysteries that usually involve a pretty girl. I most enjoy watching this show with my friends Travis and Kim in my dorm room with surround sound doing linear algebra during the commercial breaks. Some of the episodes can be quite creepy, one actually had Kim and I jumping into eachothers arms and screaming. Yep, like two 12 year-olds. Travis wasn't with us to share this incredible event, too bad for him. Good show.

The List for 2006

1. SXSW for the 3rd time
2. write a letter to our Congressman or Representative
3. buy a really cool pair of shoes
4. watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy
5. give 10% of all earnings away to church or charity
6. file taxes by end of January
7. complete FAFSA by end of January
8. take vitamins and algae everyday
9. floss
10. repair bike and save gas
11. clean my car inside and out
12. lose 15 pounds by May
13. drink 3 gallons of water a week
14. spend only $10 on extra food every week (while in school)
15. only watch matinees, but watch at least 3 a month
16. read and complete a book a month
17. learn to play the piano well
18. write 2 letters a month to my Nonnie
19. buy antique jewelery
20. play a lot of animal crossing
21. get first in mario kart worldwide match
22. eat 0 deep fried foods
23. drink strawberry milk and eat a diego's burrito
24. complete all essays for Ellery's class on time
25. get a 4.0 this semester
26. play tennis again
27. say "I love you" to Josh everyday
28. keep up with friends' birthdays
29. catch a bouquet at a wedding
30. don't lie or stretch the truth
31. go to church, but think for myself
32. take a roadtrip to see Pablo
33. explore Christoval
34. skinny dip somewhere in San Angelo
35. keep practicing my flute
36. practice my ballet
37. don't over-involve myself
38. make some great coffee
39. don't get drunk, just razzed
40. don't talk with mouth full
41. eat at the Cactus Cafe' with someone cool
42. have a "photo-date" with someone
43. be nice to spoiled rotten sister
44. make up kick ass flag routines for Grape Creek HS
45. get a manicure and pedicure
46. get 7 hours of sleep every night
47. bake cakes and cookies for friends
48. stop disappearing from friends
49. buy a new Victoria's Secret bra
50. go to an art show
51. go to the symphony
52. live with Josh for the summer
53. be grateful to my dad
54. thank God for life every day
55. plant some trees, kill some misquites
56. go caroling at a nursing home
57. learn how to juggle

58. never sleep past 11 on weekends
59. get better at frisbee
60. drink coffee with Thinh at IHOP
61. eat the healthy breakfast thing at IHOP with Ashlin
62. email Darby
63. attend The Way at Glenn Junior High
64. be in my best friends' wedding
65. be happy for said friend getting married
66. pop someones Amelie cherry
67. be an encouragement to the girls on my floor
68. visit sister in San Antonio
69. don't have sex
70. look like Jackie O
71. discover and love a new band all on my own
72. stand up strait
73. dance with Juston
74. be supportive of Amber
75. play with animals in an animal shelter
76. be supportive of Matty
77. buy a cool new poster
78. don't eat out very much (or at least don't PAY for it)

79. take a roadtrip with Ashlin

80. be more positive about school

81. figure out what job i can see myself doing the rest of my life
82. be there for someone
83. visit my 1/2 canadian nephew
84. watch all of the olympics i can
85. keep dorm room clean
86. go camping somewhere
87. have a lost in translation, life aquatic, broken flowers marathon
88. have a sofia coppola marathon
89. dig deeper into my italian heritage
90. read a graphic novel
91. eat my fruits and veggies
92. meet and elope Zach Braff (crossing fingers!)
93. go to the library, it's there for a reason
94. order something besides a cinnamon latte at starbucks
95. go to Austin more often

96. find the confidence i had before may 2003
97. make my car last another year
98. don't be so self concious
99. remember my dreams
100. keep dreaming

What can be said about Christmas 2005? A myriad of good things. I got to spend a ton of time with Josh which is really all I ever want to do anyway. For gifts he got me Serenity, a Coffee Pot, Coffee, The Chronicles of Narnia, a fancy clutch bag, a printer, printer cable, a USB hub and a coupon for Animal Crossing. Can I say delightfully spoiled? Well, he hardly sees me throughout the year so it's justified. I can't believe we've been doing this for SO long. In 2005 we saw eachother about 6 weeks total. Finally this summer may just allow us to be normal for a while and actually spend more than 3 weeks together. The plan is to fly up there after Matty's graduation and stay there until school starts up for me. Living with Josh in an apartment for a couple of months... sounds too good to be true. This can actually happen and it's phenominal. I'm thrilled.

2006

In June of 1996, my mom, and sister and I packed all our stuff into one U-haul truck and headed east from Cali. Saddest day of my life. On June 26 I'll have lived half of my life here in Texas, therefore I am a citizen. Texas hasn't been all that bad to me, but I still can't help but loathe it when compared to the California of my childhood. Yet the California of my childhood is much different from the California of today. I've come to the realization that I don't want to live there, just visit probably. Texas has given me a great high school experience, free college, a delightful boyfriend, and no income tax. Maybe it's not so bad being Texan... maybe my mind will change about that tomorrow.

My resolutions for my Texan year:

-save $1000
-spend the summer in West Lafayette, IN
-spend time with my Nonnie in SF
-write my Nonnie every two weeks or so
-keep in touch with friends, especially distant ones
-spend money responsibly, not frivilously
-keep ALL receipts
-follow throgh on committments
-make a 4.o this Spring
-loose 15 pounds
-be a great and RA
-read the Bible more frequently
-have some quiet time
-learn to play the piano
-get better on my flute
-be honest
-don't swear
-let my boundries be known, don't allow myself to get hurt
-go to SXSW
-love passionately
-appreciate acts of kindness and return the gesture

Alright 2006, bring it.

FROM NOW ON MY BLOG WILL BE COOLER!

So here's my synopsis of the past few days:
- justifiable desire to be foreign
- justifiable desire of love to be tangible
- justifiable want of being better looking
- justifiable nervousness

Sadly enough I feel like I'm in high school again. This experience is disgustingly familiar and that's the worst of it. I'm 20 for goodness sake, do other 20 year olds have these types of problems with love or am I just lucky?

I WISH I:

-was Foreign

-wasn't working on the night Josh comes home

-would keep better in touch with my friends

-could touch love to be sure it is there

-could look better for Josh than I'm going to when I see him again

-could get a response

-would stop being nervous about his coming home

How to Handle Elizabeth Deming: The Complete Compendium

Chapter 8: On Visitation

Article 1
First and foremost, you should understand that she is a very busy girl. She was born with this innate sense that she can do anything and everything and she attempts to do just that. She tends to over involve herself in a myriad of different activities, 50% scholarly, 30% labor, 15% social and 5% personal.

The social aspect is particulary the most difficult for her due to the composition of the group. It is comprised of oldest friends, old friends, new friends, newer friends, and newest friends, best friend and boyfriend. Because of the extent of the group and scholarly activities, it makes it difficult to spend time equally amongst them. Because of this, some of the people get aggrivated that she can't spend time with them and then feelings of anger come about. She doesn't know how to fix this problem, but observations show that due to concern, effort has been shown there is improvement being made.

From the girl, myself:

I got the 3rd degree from Jordan this morning at breakfast. He railed on me for not hanging out with him the past couple of nights when just Saturday I went to a movie with him. I try not to get aggrivated, but sheesh, I do have other friends too and I want to see them as well. Especially Ashlina! Plus, I've been busy with work and school both of which are pretty darned important to some people. Jeff asked me to dinner tonight, but Shannon is already taking me to Rosa's. We agreed on Wednesday lunch, but I still felt bad for not being available. Therein lies the problem: I feel guilty when I can't do things for people when they ask me to though I should just have enough nerve and backbone to say "no, I'm sorry" and hope they understand. There's a New Year's resolution for me. Work on social time management and being OK with not pleasing everyone and doing everything.

Done.

The past two weeks have been very trying on me. Venting this may help me deal with it a little better so it doesn't happen again.

Thursday was pretty harsh on me. I was still feeling very sick and I forced myself to go to all my classes. Well, Philosophy is my first class on that day and it did not go well at all. She gave back our essay assignment and I got a big fat C. That is the worst grade I've gotten on an assignemt in college to date. It was so depressing. Although, I know I didn't work as hard on it as I should have so I think I've learned my lesson well. That day I also almost got in a few wrecks and got very wet in the rainy weather. My one saving grace for that day was when I was in the UC grabbing lunch. Alex Yarbrough was doing homecoming elections and he said to me "Elizabeth, when I see you I just think 'College Student.'" That comment alone made me feel great and was an awesome compliment. It's little things like that that get me through these bad weeks.

Thursday night, one of my very good friends came in from Chicago and she spent the night with me at the dorms. Around 12:30, we walked over to the bonfire where Jordan and the rest of the ROTC people were guarding. The four of us climbed to the top of it and talked while gazing at the San Angelo city line. It was very special, I'm glad I got to share it with Elisa. Of course it made me miss Josh more, but that's a given.

Friday, one of my friends from the BSM volunteered to take me to get the soda from the Coca Cola company for the SGA Ramgate. While talking on the way over there, we found out we had a mutual friend. Ross is from Monahans and so was a certain band camp "fling" I had when I was a sophomore. James Fickenscher, which Ashlin and I affectionaly call "duck boy," happens to be Ross's best friend. When James was talking on the phone to me once, his friends(including Ross) were making fun of him and they even wrote a song about me and him. They referred to me as "Liz" and the song had something to do with Band Camp. I just realized that I never added him to the list of boy's I've kissed... that makes the number something... I don't know. Today James contacted me through facebook, so now we can see where we both are 5 years later. How ironic.

Homecoming is fianlly over along with Ramgate. It's nice to have that off my plate. I had a very good time hanging out with Jordan's parents and Jeremy this weekend. We all seemed to click very well with eachother, except for Jeremy contantly picking on me. Geez, it's hard to read that boy. I sometimes wonder why I get along better with boys than I do with girls. What's even more odd is that I trust boys more too. Weird huh?

I'm really hoping this week goes better. I need to pray about a lot of things, but hopefully life will start working a little better for me now homecoming is over.

Fall is the season for change, and it seems I am doing just that. I've shed my summer skin and with it I lost years, memories, dreams, etc... Things I thought were so planned out and secure, I'm beginning to question whether it really fits me or not. Things like that terrible "f" word, future. Is what I'm going to school for appropriate or am I selling myself short?

I have a plaque that reads "Trust your instincts" and a friend who gives the advice "Ninty percent of the time, you know what you have to do." If that is true then I fear for everyone around me because this bird won't be caged.

This is BIG.

The best words silenced, the worst ones spoken.

My friend Travis always jokes about how a real man cries. He says "it's always curled up in a ball in the shower." Well, when a real woman cries, it's always curled up in a ball on her bed. At least this woman does. The similarity is both have no hope of being comforted.

I believe I just lived one of the most pathetic moments of my life. I was journaling, trying to get thoughts out of my head and possibly onto paper when I began to cry a little. I looked around and to my left was a few pictures of me and The Five at Boy Scout Camp, one of my sisters and I at a wedding, and one of Josh and I in the Radisson in Appleton. Both of us smiling with his head is resting on my shoulder and his arms around my waist. I couldn't stand to look at it, it made me hurt worse and cry more.

Gabe, my new boss, said something the other day that really made me feel really small and insignificant. We were talking and I said something about me being the middle child in my family. "Oh, I should have guessed it" he said. When I asked him to explain what he meant by that he told me traits that he saw in me that showed I was a middle child: always keeping busy, always trying to please people, always trying to get attention... Well, I just sat there with that knife in my heart and was silent for the rest of my shift. I didn't really think I fell into that "always needs attention" category, but according to the Masters in Psychology guy, I did. My dad was usually the one who really took care of me because my mom was always obsessed with my two sisters. Dad's now gone and 1700 miles away and mom is still the same. So lets just say I've been pretty down lately since I got back from seeing my dad.

"Do you really miss me?"
"Feeling a little insecure, are we?"

Worst thing I could have possibly heard at that moment. "No." would've been better.

Then the moment came where this woman cried curled up on her bed alone in her room. Then cried some more after thinking of how pathetic she was for doing so in the first place. Which lead to more crying...


I really love you, but I don't love the things you say to hurt me.

Long, long eventful summer that no one will read about because it's in my private journal now and I don't feel like typing it all here.

RA training was pretty strenuous, but I graduated and had a successful move in weekend. My floor is one of the only one not packed to the brim right now, and I have a lot of cool girls. I bet Josh is glad I'm in the only All Women dorm on campus. Then again, he probably doesn't care.

Starting this year at ASU feels like my first year. I'm just way more involved, so I feel like a Freshman. I have a lot of new friends, and I still hang out with my old ones. I'm on the Ultimate Frisbee team which is so fun because it's a workout and allows me time to hang out with cool people. I had to relinquish my title as BSM Leader due to my duties as an RA. What's more important is that I'm there for my residents anytime they need me, because that's what I'm paid to do now. This allows me some time to regularly meet with Abs hopefully. I still need spiritual guidence you know? I've got a lot of work ahead of me this year.

I feel really distant right now, mainly because I'm too busy and he can't stay up a minute past 11.

So now I'm in California with my father and after being here a week the only question that comes to my mind is "Why the HELL did my mom move us to TEXAS?!" This trip has only confirmed and added fuel to my loathing of Texas. I can never be a true Texan, even if I have lived there more than half of my life.

It's beautiful here. The beaches are gorgeous and so are the mountains. The entertainment in the Bay Area is endless as well as the recreational opportunities. But even wth all its beauty California is not the greatest when it comes to the really important things in everyday life. The list of things that are too high goes on forever: taxes, property cost, homelessness, gas, dot dot dot. Enron really screwed these people over, though... and the Governator is really not doing a very good job.

All in all, it's a wonderful place to visit but I don't think I can ever live here again. :-(

I've got to quit it with the cryptic confusing posts I've been putting on here. Thanks to a wake up call, I've discovered it's not very fair.

Summer is over for me in San Angelo in about 4 days. It's gone fast, but has been so much fun. Not as good as 2003, hell of a lot better than 2004. I still have 2 weeks of summer in San Francisco, but when I return to SA I'll begin RA training and also will be moving out of my house. I already started packing my things up. My room is so bare without all of my artsy things. I wont be leaving much behind, most of my belongings fit into one big plastic container. The rest will be stored in Josh's parent's attic probably until we're married. Mixing Josh's and my style is going to be hilarious. Complicated rainbow hippie-esque meets simple black and white asian-esque. Can't wait. Ok, got off subject.

Back to the moving out thing. It's really weird finding all of your old things forgetten and tucked away in your closet. You have to decide what goes and what will be packed away in a box everytime you move unitl you give those things to your children. My lovely, very worn out rollerblades, some pictures I took in mall photo booths when I was 12, earings I loved in 9th grade, the knee brace from my ice skating accident, even a letter I wrote to my gradmother after she passed away. Also found were some skeletons: random pictures with ex-boyfriends along with a box of love notes from most of them. I'm not sure what to do with those things. I only am compelled to keep them for the sake of making fun of all the cheesy things they say. "Honey, you've got to see what this kid wrote me in 7th grade." Sheer entertainment.

Josh and I have been together about two years Saturday. Ups, downs, loops, turns, 2 stops, 3 go's, dates with pictures, and sleeping holding pillows. More years to come...

I fear the day when I actually have to talk about everything. Then I'll be forced to say everything I'm thinking when I'm being quiet.

I'm trying so hard to make all of this work, but there are pieces missing and that's what hurts the most.

I'm looking at this as a growing experience and plan to be mindful of everything. From this point on I have to see things as they really are and not what I would romanticize them to be.

Things are what they seem and time changes nothing.

Oh, Boy Scout Camp. How I love to get away...

Sick... tired... and crying. Welcome home, E.

I'm going to bed for 23987128371 days.

I'm sad.


I'm aprehensive about camp and I don't know if it was a good decision to go this year.

I have been looking into getting into the dorms for a while with the ultimate goal of becoming a Resident Assistant (A job consisting of being in charge of a floor and getting a huge discount on the price of room and board) The problem is you have to have 1 year of community living to qualify, which I only have through a couple summers of living at a boy scout camp. I went to the director of the Residence life office to ask some questions and she said that the summer camp living would qualify me, but all the positions were filled. She also suggested that I apply anyway just in case someone drops out of the position during the summer. So I did and I turned in the application on Tuesday. Wednesday, I get a call and a request for an interview. Thursday, I go to the interview and am given the information that a position had opened up in Massie. It was a short, yet potentialy life changing interview. I now am the new RA for the 2nd floor of Massie and I couldn't be more thrilled to move out of my house.

What this means is for about $350 a month, I get a private room in Massie and a good meal plan, not to mention basic cable, wireless internet access, refridgerator, and microwave. In addition to that, I get paid $6.65 an hour and am garunteed 20 hrs a week. I also get to continue doing the LOGOS lunch and Student Government and my flag intructing at Grape Creek.

It all happened really fast. I move in on the 15th, the day after I get back from San Francisco. I'm going to probably need some help, so those of you with big cars and helping hearts be listening for me. I thank God for all of this... it's almost too good to be true.

RECAPITULATION - English 2324.030

Wow, I'm really going to miss this class. I've never had a professor tear up about the last day of class. He said we were definately in the top 5 of his favorite classes of all time, and he's been teaching for 20 some odd years. This year he won the Texas Coligiate Outstanding Professor Award, which meant lots of honor and lots of money. He deserved every penny of it.

I've never liked English. At Central it was always the class that brought down my GPA and I always regreted going to. Though I didn't know it at the time, those 3 English G/T classes would prove to be the most beneficial classes out of my entire public schooling. (Info: though I learned a lot about literature, I still have trouble with grammar and spelling as you have read in my blog for almost 2 years) It turns out, Mrs. Underwood was taking Dr. Ellery's American Lit at the time I was enrolled in her strand of American Lit at Central. When I took Dr. Ellery, I recognized some of the things that Mrs. Underwood had tought us. Essentialy, I'd already heard a lot of his opinions of the books and stories from her.

I think my favorite work in that class was The Awakening by Kate Chopin. I liked the fact the she was a strong woman and though I didn't agree with the adultry committed, I enjoyed the tragic romance of her and Robert. I liked how she defied her husband with her actions and her way of just saying "No" to things she didn't agree with. She had been a caged bird for a long time and treated like a posession for most of her life. After her eleged awakening, she began questioning her roll and defying the conformity of the time. Wow, I loved that. One of my biggest fears is being a caged bird... Edna is an inspiration. (Though I know I'd never go off and commit adultry, that's just something to read about)

So that was my favorite work, among many. "The May-pole of Merry Mount" (Hawthorne) was another good one along with "Rip Van Wrikle" (Irving). Ben Franklin's "Autobiography" was awesome. He has a ton af wonderful adages that totaly stimulate your mind. I remember reading that and being so intrigued, it just pulled you in. How can an autobiography do that? It's interesting to think of what the world would be like if we actually followed some of his principles stated in his books. It's even more interesting to think about if everyone actually followed the Bible...

Anyway, a few of the adages are "Don't put off till tomorrow what you can accomplish today" and "Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." I know you've heard them, but have you practiced them? Try it, it could lead to something life-changing. Haha, I tell you this though I've never tried it. This is all from a guy who was raised a Christian, refuted it and became a Diest, then proved Christianity to himself. Ha, again, if only others would follow his example. (not go against Christianity, but investigate it and find out why you believe it!)

All in all, that class was great and I learned myriad of new things and sharpened some old things. Mrs. McKinney, Mrs. Davis, and Mrs. Underwood did very well when teaching me all this stuff in high school.

New developments have come up. Right now I am having a very hard time deciding whether or not I'm going to live on campus . I have a the means to do so, but that would take away from my car money. So the thing is deciding between a decent car or the convenience of campus life. Also, I just got invited to be the hostess for LOGOS Lunch on Friday's at the BSM. This along with Student Senate, my job, and the Flag instructor thing is going to make my Sophomore year quite a year. On the bright side, it will all keep my mind off of Josh being away.

I feel really bad for my little sister. When I was a sophomore, I was friends with a lot of seniors. I was going to go to prom with Noe, but I decided on Darby. Darby then stood me up a week before Prom, so I ended up going with Matt Miller my sophomore year. It was great! Besides the whole getting pulled over for the first time part. Anyway, so my sister is really wanting to go to prom and she doesn't have a date. I'm even going to prom and I'm a freshman in college! So my goal for the next two days is to find someone for her to go with that is not taking her out of pitty, but out of fun. She just wants to dance!

I've been dreaming. Dreaming really odd things about people I know now in places I haven't been in years. I recently dreamt about a certain person and now I am acting differntly towards them. I act how I acted toward this person in my dream. I'm letting my relationship with this person be affected by what happened in my brain while I was unconcious. I can't go back to the way it was before because this encouneter feels so real and you can't just erase experiences from the brain (even though it didn't happen) This is completly bogus. I wish I wouldn't have had that dream at all. How and why does something like this happen? Dreaming can be detrimental to relationships sometimes. At least in the case where I can't overcome the occurance and treat it as what it was exactly: a dream.

Today is March 23rd. Josh and I have been dating for one year and eight months.

Just to inform everyone how my math is working now, I'm not counting the 2 two week incriments that I broke up with him, went off the deep end, and hurt people very much.

This blog holds my precious memories of his heartbreaking departures and joyous returns, our times of delight and saddness, and my many wrong assumptions. I'm actually pretty glad I kept this blog after evryone has pretty much abandoned theirs. There was no way I could let this thing go, I turned to this every night that summer. Heck, this blog was one of my desperate attempts to spend time with him. Of course, I didn't know how to set this thing up on my own but I couldn've asked any one of my friends to help. Nope, I had to ask Josh.

Josh is one of those enigma type guys. Thinh and Daniel would always say "he's a closed book" or "he's a robot" whenever we would try to figure out what he thought about something but wasn't saying it. He's one of those mysteries I wish I could be. I wish I could be mysterious, but I think you can read every emotion on my face and see every feeling by my body. Anyway, Josh and I complement eachother very well. I feel perfect when I'm around him, even after all these months. I'll still be saying that 50 years from now too.

Future Elizabeth: "I feel perfect when I'm around him, even after all these years."

SXSW 2005

Day One

Josh and I left for Austin about 12:00pm on Wednesday. The drive there was really mellow and peaceful. I've made that drive quite a bit in the last few years, mainly alongside Josh.. We made it to Mono and I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness, both of which were pretty freakin cool. The first band was a group of Asian instrumental rockers who were scheduled for a show with Explosions in the Sky the following day. After the show, Josh and I headed for Chuy's on Riverside. I love their chips, so yummy. We got to my cousin's house around 9 or so and got settled there. My cousin has a huge "game" room that posesses a foosball table and a projector for movies and games. It's awesome. We played Sega Soccer Slam (where Josh kicked our butts) and SSX 3 (which is my new favorite game, but I suck at it). Due to my massive headache, we headed to bed around mid-night.

Day Two

We woke up around 9 and had fresh coffee waiting for us because my cousin rules. Thinh, Juston, Amber, and Dan were on their way in from SA. Juston called me asking if I was on my rag, and unfortunately I was... along with Amber. So 100% of the females on the trip were riding the crimson wave. We met up with them at their hotel and headed for the streets of Austin. We made it to Emo's in time to see The Stars whom I enjoyed very much. Right before Pedro the Lion went on, I started to feel really queesy, then I got tunnel hearing, and then minor blackout vision. I recovered for a short time, then it happened again. I guess they were fainting spells, so I made my way put of the crowd to the bleachers to get some fresh air. I was there for about 10 minutes and felt worlds better. I made my way back up to the front just before they went on and it was great. So Dan was right, besides the fainting spells, the shpw was great. Josh and I left early to head to The Church of the Friendly Ghost to see Jennifer Gentle, but we had only a vague idea of where it was. We must've walked a good 15 blocks trying to find it, but we never did. Darn it all. We ate at Schlotzky's on Congress and met up with everyone else after that. By the way, the new Whole Foods is amazing! Later that night we met the Nintendo DS Street Team, who happened to be named Josh and Matt. Because Josh and I had our DS's out, we got free shirts and our pictures taken for headquarters. Thinh and Dan got free shirts because they rocked at Double Dash, more pictures were taken. I think the DS Street Team was the highlight of the trip. We went to Coco's for some food and tapioca bullets and Josh spit on a Catholic church. The arcade was next, and this time Chris and Lindsay met up with us. Juston accidently offended a homeless mexican and he cussed and yelled at us as he walked down the street. Soon after, Josh and I headed back to my cousin's.

Day Three

Josh, Thinh, Dan, and I headed for the Mall pretty early. I shopped and I guess they just walked around. We headed for Stubb's at noon to meet up with Josh and Matt. This time they gave us Nintendo hats. To our suprise we also met Carlos from RETRO who asked us our opinion of the new Metroid. I was like, are you kidding me? A guy who actually worked on this game is asking us how we liked it? I had to talk up the Multiplayer because it's so much fun (well, it's only fun when Josh and Justin Taylor aren't kicking my butt) After that we headed for Guadalupe and some shopping at Urban Outfitters. We finally met up with everyone else and went back to the motel for some much needed rest and stock up on feminine products. When dinner time hit, I went for Jimmy John's and everyone else hit up Coco's. If you ever go to Coco's on Guadalupe, get the Chicken Lo Mein > amazing. Shortly after we headed again for the DS street team and this time we all got visors and a Link pin. We gave them our e-mail addresses and they promised to contact us when they're going to be in Texas again. They also busted out a video camera and interviewed Amber and I. Yep, those guys were pretty cool. I guess after we left they finally got to play Thinh and Dan at Double Dash. Josh and I headed home after that. It was long drive for Josh practically alone, because I always fall asleep on the way home. I guess he found a way to keep me awake because he got me talking about planets and space in Brady and then BAM! we were in San Angelo. All in all the trip was pretty amazing. The group we had was a lot of fun and... I love Josh.

This trip really can't compare to last years because it was so different from the company to the weather. Both were a lot of fun though. I'll have MY pictures up later, I just wanted to tell about the trip now before I forget it.

Things have been phenominal. Absolutely perfect now that he's around. My life is on a steady incline since my dip into dispair at the beginning of the year and I think it's at it's peak right now. Wow, I can't belive it's already halfway through March. Now all I have to wait for is April, May, June, then July and I'll get to see him again! My word, this is tricky. I'm so glad he's home though.

When he's home, I'm home.

There have been some pretty crapy things happening for me and some pretty awesome things happening for me.

So about the third week of school I decided to go to the BSM and check it out. JoAnna has been enouraging me to do so ever since I started ASU. There I formaly met Tiffany Paige, who is in 4 of my 6 classes. Turns out we have SO much in common besides our calsses: same major, formerly flagline captains, christian, even the same exact TV. It's weird, but we're really good friends now.

Also at the BSM, I was seen by Brent Hastings who introduced himself to me about a week later in the UC. He stopped and talked to me for a while and said that he had seen me at the BSM and such. I saw him often around campus for about two weeks, then this job started. On a mail run for my new job I stopped in the UC and at the Student Government table picked up an application for the Student Senate. He happened to be walking past (because the table was right in front of the Senate's office) and said "You're interensted in Student Senate?!" It just so happens he's the Student Body Vice President. He's been helping me and giving me a lot of advice on how to get involved. He wants me to go to the meetings to make sure his ParlyPro is correct and is introducing me to the rest of the senators. I knew a few of them from class, but this whole situation is looking up. Elections will start up in April, lets hope this goes a lot better than last year's student body elections.

I have this really nice new job and I'm loving my Ballet class. My boyfriend is coming home in 4 days and I couldn't be more excited. This break has been exceptionaly bad for me. So I'm trying to focus on the blessings in my life rather than the bad stuff. Well, HE is a blessing. When I'm with him, I'm beaming. My friends are my blessings... my scholarship is a blessing... the BSM is a blessing, my nephew is a blessing. No matter how bad stuff is with my job, money, my parents, I really am blessed.

One of the Ten Commandments in the Bible is "honor thy father and thy mother." I am afraid I am guilty of this sin about 10 fold. Quite frankly, I really can't stand my parents. Many of you know the situation, but it gets worse everyday. To some of you (my infinate number of readers) it may look like I complain a lot also, but it's my blog I'll cry if I want to.

I fell like I'm always between a rock and a hard place with my mother. She seems to remind me everyday about how much I am like my father, the man who ruined her life, and that I need to be a nicer person. It's hard to be nice to her when all she does is complain to me about... me. There's no way to please that woman. I'm sick of talking to people about it, and I'm sure they're sick of hearing it so here's to blogging...

Last weekend my older sister came into town along with two of her Air Force buddies, Amber and Kera (who was pregnant.) Basically, I completely lost my room for the weekend. We all went out to lunch as a group and the girls were talking about how great it was to get out of high school and join the Air Force. My mom commented on how successful they are and said in my direction "Better than going to college and living at home, right?" I kid you not, I'll never forget the arrangement of those words. They all laughed and agreed. I felt like dying in my chair right then and there. I guess the only way I'll be successful according to my mother is joining the Air Force and getting knocked up, not going to college in pursuit of a career. Ok, I can handle that.

Then there's my dad. Won't pay child support and illegaly transeferred the title of a '69 bug out of my mother's name and into his after we moved to Texas. Now that my mother is taking away my car in July to give to Anne, my dad is trying to get me the bug from San Francisco to either sell or drive for myself. Simultaneously, my mother is trying to get me to manipulate my dad into getting the bug here, saying that I would drive it, but she inteds to sell it for herself when it/if it does get here. Talk about being in the middle.

There are a myriad of stories like this. Honestly, I find it hard to honor my father and mother.

Something about Phantom of the Opera just stood out to me like crazy the other day. I saw the movie last Saturday and I didn't cry at all while watching it. It happened only later when I was listening to the soundtrack that the words and music, without the amazing visuals, was what truly moved me. The actual emotion in the arrangement of the notes drove a few of my senses crazy.

I'm not usually prone to cry, I went an entire year without sheading a tear. Though, or some reason lately I've had a heightened sense to do so. This is not the only musical that I've cried at, when I saw Les Miserables at the State Thespian Conferrence I did so also. It wasn't the acting, or the lights or set... it was just the power of the music. I've been exposed to pretty powerful music ever since I was a very young girl living in San Francisco and it was an annual event to attend The Nutcracker Ballet. I was mezmirized. I think I still am because I've got this undying passion for classical music.

Another semester starts tomorrow and I hope it goes as fast as the last one. There are a few things I wish to change about this one though.

Go to church. I really want to actually get involved in the University Group at my church. I'm only apprehensive because they have already established their cliques (it happens to all of them). Yesterday I dreaded going to church and that is never a good sign, so that shows me I need get my relationship straight.

Get more involved. Not only in church as I stated before, but in school activities. April tryouts for Angelettes? Perhaps, probably not, but a thought. There is no reason why I shouldn't go out for student government or something like it. JoAnna keeps telling me to pledge the Christian girls soroirity, but I don't think I'm a sorority type, even a Christian one.

Meet new people. I met very few people last semester, BAD SIGN. I was closed off and cynical last semester, and I fear I'm entering this one the same way. Play nice with the kids, Elizabeth.

So Josh started class today. I pray everything is going well for him today.

I'd give anything to be there with him right now, but I know this is for the best. No matter how hard it is, the distance is good for us both. This way we can each focus on our studies and not be distracted be eachother. Though I fear my desire to write e-mails, send letters, and call him more than makes up for the time I'd spend with him. Nope, nevermind, scratch that. Really, the distance is good when we're both focusing on school. Soon enough we'll be together.

On a side note, I have an interview with Glenn Junior High today. Hopefully I'll be hired as a counselor's clerk. I try not to get my hopes up with such things because I don't want to be let down, but I can't help but really want this. You would too if it was a choice between this and SITEL!

I wish every girl was as blessed as I. The security of being with the man I know I'm going to marry is so calming. I dont' have to worry about my future because with him I know I'll be fine. I feel safe, secure, proud, and very happy. No words can describe this, it's impossible to put on paper. But the best things are always indescribable.

And to think 5 months ago, I almost gave it all up.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday, Christmas naturally being my first. I love it. I really like being with my family. If I haven't emphasized it enough, family is really REALLY important to me. Thanksgiving is one of the only times when I get to see my Aunt and Uncle from Arizona, and my Aunt and Uncle (sadly) from San Angelo. Not to mention my cousin, and this year he's bringing his new wife!

Tonight was really bittersweet. Krista is in town, so I left my friends at the Lighthouse early. I came home to an empty house. I've been pretty emotional and sensitive lately and it seems like everything (including being yelled at in jest) makes want to break down and cry. Well, with this I guess the build up of my stresses, the house thing, and probably something to do with Flo, I started crying.

When everyone finally did come home after about an hour, Krista, Anne, my mother, and myslef ended up in Anne's room listening to the Garden State soundtrack. It was good having the "girls" together again. We really only listened to the soundtrack for one song, "Blue Eyes." It was played at my sister's friend's funeral. His sister picked it out for him, along with a few other memorable ones like "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" which was the song of his graduating year. I can't even imagine anyone close to me dying, much less my brother or sister! If you don't know the story of Brandon and the stabbings, ask me later. I can't write that all here. It was my sister's friend, Kristen's brother. He was murdered October 19 of this year. Now Kristen is the only child left of the 4 in the family. Her younger brother, Jeremy, died in March 2003 from a freak four-wheeling accident. Her oldest brother died when she was 4, from a freak motorcycle accident, and her dad died of a heart-attache when she was 6. Needless to say, her mother and her have been through a lot and please pray for them this Thanksgiving.

After we were all teary-eyed from that we moved onto a more personal, yet similar experience or ours. We started talking about Christian. I was only 13 when he died and it's really hard to think about "if" he had lived. I would have a 5 year-old nephew to teach baseball to. My sister was only 17, but she was still his mother. I can't imagine the grief she felt, I don't remember really seeing it because I was going through my parent's divorce and my dad leaving. She talked tonight about how when she dreams of him, she's always trying to save him from something like an illness or danger. My God, it hurts to imagine me loosing a child like that. I see Krista now in the Air Force and it's hard to believe what we all went through that year.

Those events, along with some other events today, made me cry a gallon of tears. I'm not sad about anything really, just scared and confused with some traces of numbness. In 10 hours I have Thanksgiving to share with Josh and his family, then later Josh (hopefully) and my family. I'm trying to forget everything that has happened to me within the past few months, and be truely thankful for the life I do have and the someone special I share it with.

Wow... dealing with this is actually really hard. It just seems like every long term thing I plan on falls apart terribly. For the past two years I've been planning on living in this wonderful house with Ashlin. We planned everything, I picked out the kitchen floor, my bathroom colors, my room carpet, the theme in our kitchen. I even got us a microwave. It all looked so promising, but a month before we moved in it all went to pieces (by means completely out of our control.) Two years of work and planning all shot to hell.

Then this other wonderful opportunity presents itself: 4play House. My 3 best girlfriends and a huge house, all for the price a little out of my reach. I may have looked like a total baby, crying for hours that night, but I knew I couldn't live on a unsteday, unreliable $30 left over after bills a month. If there's one thing I've learned in 19 years on this earth it's life is totally unpredictable and throws suprises (mostly bad suprises) all the time. I mean, two years of planning a house out the window! I hate it. I hate it so much that I can't live the way I want to live. I want to be in that house more than anything right now. I guess no one really knows how much this is all affecting me. I can't bring myself to go back to that house. I haven't been there since Lauren showed us that night and I imagined my perfect little bedroom... all on my own... away from my owners. I really am happy for them, they're going to have so much fun! I hear their packing stories but can't help wishing it were me looking for boxes and trucks. It's everything a college girl could ever want and I'm watching it happen. I know it looks like I may be victimizing myself, but I'm just so dissapointed about this. I tell myself I can work hard and get my own apartment soon, but I know with buying a car that's not going to happen for a really long time. Plus, I recently got layed off so I'm currently seeking other employment. It's so disheartening. I guess the only thing I can say about my underlying feelings of this week is utterly and completely crushed.

Waking up in an unfamiliar bed: really strange

Waking up to a very familiar face: really amazing

Since I don't really have a radio in my car, I spend my time thinking when I'm driving around. Today I was thinking about how many people hate their jobs and wish they were doing something else with their lives. I bet about 75% of the working class of America really don't enjoy doing what they do. I'm pretty scared that's going to be me one day.

I'm still having trouble figuring out what it is that I want to do. I have ideas and such, but pinpointing anything is a real challenge for me. My biggest fear is wasting time in college. Am I majoring in the right field here? Should I go business or teaching? I've had plan after plan, but my fickle bone keeps rattling. Previously my plan was to graduate in 3 years, do the alternative teaching bit, and then settle. Now I'm thinking going to sumer school to graduate early is a waste of time and energy also. Why settle for 12 hours in two summer terms when I can get at least 15 done during the long semesters? Plus, what about graduate school? A Master's Degree is a really nice thing to have.

Through it all one thing is for sure, I think I can pretty much work a 9-5 anywhere as long as I have that to come home to everynight. Now that I have this, I really want other's to have it too (thier own version of it of course.) Talk about "sharing the love."

Today after class I went to Town & Country to buy a cappicino. I noticed a really big black truck in the parking lot with a huge sticker on the back reading "HEMI." As I parked I also noticed that the people in and around the truck were all Marines. I parked my little Honda and headed for the entrance. That was when I heard the truck reving up like crazy. I turned to see what that was all about, and one of them was looking at me and said "How you doin'?" in that ridiculous fake italian accent. I was appalled. I was at loss for words so I just raised my eyebrows and went inside. What did they want from that, a girly giggle and a flirty smile? At first I felt bad for being rude because I'm a huge supporter of service men and I'm usually the person who sticks up for these guys. They then started reving up the "hemi" again more and more and I instantly lost my guilt. Do girls actually react positivly to that? If yes, what kind of girl could have such low self respect to go fo a guy who thinks they could use a machine a braun to attract you? Maybe I'm just a cruel heartless unappreciative b****, but honestly mister, I'm not impressed with your big truck and suave words. Have a little respect for a girl, huh?

Pain is essential to life.

When you lose someone you love , you feel your heart ache for a very long time. This is a true, real, physical pain. Your memories are then connected to your pain. Things you smell, songs you hear, sights you see, all trigger memories which then triggers your pain. You come to a realization though. They may have passed, but you're alive. You're alive and blessed with the option to keep on living.

Why do you think people say "pinch me" when they think they're dreaming? It brings you back to life. If we couldn't feel pain, we would have died off in the days of Eden. Young Cain says to young Abel, "Hey, go jump off that cliff. It'll be fun." Abel, knowing nothing of the fatality of the fall, would jump. There would've been no need for a murder later on in life, right?

So when the pain of heartache consumes you, you begin to feel everything. You're more alive than ever when you're in pain. It's the only time you know you're truly living. Pain is essential to life.

I was sitting in the Lighthouse one day and the song "You Always Say Goodnight" came on. I felt a rush of cold and then hot and then a complete mood change. It was like a memory was literally washing over me and sending me and my surroundings back to the past. I really saw and felt around this time one year ago. It was very surreal. The term surreal actually fits very appropriately here. I thought of the things that were going on in my life at that time, then I lost myself in my memories. When I finally came out of my trance and my world of today came back to me, I felt kind of sad. Day by day things keep getting harder and harder, but you've always got to look forward to something. The things I was looking forward a year ago I'm beginning to look forward to again. Things really do come full circle and you will be content with everything... eventually.

This is Elizabeth screaming:



OK.

So now I'm in College. College is really amazing. Seriously, I'm overjoyed to be here everyday even with all the Algebra homework and the History reading. Making the transition was suprisingly easy, just like moving from Edison to Central. The most ironic thing now is that I've seen Ashlin around campus more in these few days than I ever saw her in 3 years of high school. It was great, Monday morning the first person I run into is her. I even changed her schedule for her and we both call eachother in the mornings to make sure we got up for our 8:00 classes. It's wonderful.

No one ever meant to hurt anyone here. He never meant to hurt me. I was protecting him. I never meant to hurt him. The "R" word has absolutely nothing to do with it, that word isn't even in my vocabulary. I still don't know what words to say to prove that to you. It's just realizing that heart strings are stronger than the strongest steel and my heart is still firmly attatched, even though I thought I wasn't.

All I can offer you is I'm sorry, I'm sorry, a thousand times I'm sorry.

I thought a "me time" weekend would be beneficial to me figuring myslef out, but it's just proved to be more detrimental than helpful. Last night I spent an hour with my Bible and previous journals to help me out.


God give me grace.


"Be still, and know that I Am God..."
~Psalms 46:10

There are times when I get so frustrated I want to scream. This is one of those times. I wish I could figure myself out.

I'm just going to take a second and say wow. Only because I am at a total loss for any other words.

So it's my last night here with my darling baby cousin. I have to say I'm quite sad to have to leave a part of my family here. Ryan, Brandy, and Bryce are so much a part of me, it's so hard to let them go! I cried a lot tonight. My brother comforted me, but he cried as well. He moved out at 17 and I've seen him 4 times since then: Graduation, Wedding, Christmas '02, Summer '04. That's not enough for me, I love my brother! I remember he taught me basketball in our backyard in summer of 1997. He also taught me all I know about tennis, and I'm a bad ass tennis player. (it's my journal, I have bragging rights)

Family is way too important to me and if he and my nephew are here, then this is where I need to be. Of course, I'll finish ASU but I have to consider a career here. Family is SO important to me. I want to see his little league and soccer games (maybe he'll paly on the Kara Soccer Team, jsut one non-Kara) and be here to embarrass him in front of his girlfriend when I tell her I gave him a bath at 5 months. My brother and sisters are SO VERY important to me. I am blessed.

There are a few people I really want to know better. I want to know why they think the way they do, why they have certain manerisms, what they think about issues and such. I guess intimacy is really important to me, and who can you be more intimate with than your friends? No matter what, I always find that the people I know best still suprise me. And it's wonderful.

Why is it that people are scared of intimacy? A lot of stuff people talk about to eachother is just a lot of nothing, meaningless coversation. I mean, I want to ask and be asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" (because we only think we're grown up now, but there's a lot more coming) and "What are your dreams?" Even if we don't follow them, we still have dreams. I want to be a dancer. I bet you didn't know that. I also want to be a devoted house wife. I bet you didn't know that either.


Stuff has really been bothering me lately. I know I just graduated and it seems like we we're just launched into the future. Our future, the one we're going to create all on our own. I've had my sights set on ASU ever since I got my scholarship, and I've had my sights set on a communications degree since sophomore year. But do I really want that? Maybe I don't think it's going to challenge me or something, like I'm taking a cop out major.

I look at what other people are doing and I'm in awe. I mean, Mehmet is a biochemistry major. How awesome is that! And he's such a wonderful person to be around. Then there's Thinh, he's going to major in business, and work for Nintendo! Again, that's so awesome. I've spent enough time with him to know his dreams. And then Josh, who amazes me most. He's going to start a job in three weeks. A great job, too, one that some San Angeloans would really dream of. Look at what he's done in a year. Just jump up and go to another state leaving family, friends, and girlfriend behind to study Electrical Engineering at a wonderful university. He's done well for himself.

I'm scared. I can admit it. I don't know what I want, typical feeling of a teenager. For me, future planning is essential. Have you seen my planner? Knowing that I don't know what I'm doing scares the crap out of me.

Wow, looks like I needed to pour a lot of bottled up stuff out. I wish I had aim here because talking to people would really be nice right about now. Don't search this post for grammar mistakes. I know there are plenty and I already know I'm really bad at it so there's no use telling me. Why don't we start with the stuff that really matters, huh?

It got up to about 108 yesterday, and I loved it.

I didn't love the harassment over dinner yesterday. This has been a relentless struggle for weeks, but I can't help my feelings and they don't understand that. I knew I was gonna get a talkin-to by my brother, but I didn't realize how serious he was about it. I'm pretty defensive about it because it is my life and I choose what I choose.

I can't bare the 6 days left though. At least I can't wait to see him, but I'm not too sure how it is on the other end.

Oh yeah, and that "thing that came up", the "something's happened"... well, it won't go away. I've been hanging out with some pretty cool people lately and they make me feel amazing. It's amazing how it feels to spend time with people that really care about you.

OH MY GOSH, I HAVE THE CUTEST NEPHEW IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Seriously, no other baby even compares...

So I got here around 8:00 my time, 6:00 Pheonix time and met my brother in the airport. Driving on the highway through Pheonix I saw Sun Devil Stadium and fantasized about going to Arizona State like I planned when I was 10 years old. Not going to happen, but I'm a dreamer.

We pulled into the driveway and Brandi met us with the baby. Bryce has got my brother's everything, but his mother's big bright blue eyes. His smile is huge and he giggles when you blow on his stomach. I love babies... I want like 7 or 12 or something. After wathcing him play for a while we all gave him a bath and fed him, then put him to bed. After that, we all got into the awesome pool they have in their back yard and swam for a really long time. Pheonix weather is REALLY hot, but it's a dry heat so it's manageable. It was about 80 degrees outside at 10:00, then it started raining. Huge cold wet drops falling all around us in the pool. Wouldn've been really romantic in the right company, but there I go again being a hopeless romantic. The hot tub was quite enjoyable, too. Just think, in a few months I'll have one of my own! (well, sharing with Ashlin and Lauren of course.)

Now it's 1:30 am according to my body clock, so sleep is much needed. I feel really terrible though, my sinus infection is killing me! My ears still haven't popped from the plane ride so I guess that shot didn't exactly help anything.

Brandi is a really cool sister-in-law. She's going to take us shopping at the Chandler Fasion Center tomorrow, so that should be great. I've saved a little money for school clothes, but I doubt I'll get anything these city folk call "fashionable." I want a new pair of reef sandals and a new pair of chucks. That's all. Haha, walking around here with nothing but a bikini is awesome.

Now once again, something's happened. I've been hanging out with some really cool people lately and it's put me on a huge emotional high that I don't want to wear off. Thanks for all the fun, don't ever let it stop. This is the happiest I've been in weeks!

What a freakin' crazy day. A rather big unexpected suprise showed up on my doorstep and I don't have a clue as to who sent it or why. I really really don't like the looks of it, though.

Happy Belated Birthday,  Blog.

So the same thing happens everynight. I get in around 12 or 1, read for an hour, and then force myself into the dark trying to fall asleep.  Camomile tea usually knocks me out, but no more. Something's come up. There's no hope for sleep right now... I'm thinking too damn much.

I am furious with myself.

I constantly find myself getting bullied into things that I don't want to do. I end up just going along with it to make whoever it is happy, while I act like I'm having a great time. There's this one person that gets me everytime all the time and I'm furious about it. Of course not at them, but at me because I'm the one that just won't stick up for myslef. GRRRRRrrrrrrrr. It happened to me tonight, but I swear I will be defiant next time. I swear it.

I lied. I do feel something for it. I realized today that the days are numbered in the teens and my stomache lurched with anticipation. I was suprised at myself, I haven't felt the butterflies in a while. This is a good sign.

Twelve hour shift + lack of gas + being really tired = didn't go to Dan's party
 
The fact that everyone was drunk there by the time I got off work didn't exactly make me very enthused about going. I had been planning it all week, but when Thinh mentioned the possibility of boose, I hesitated. The fact that I'm an 18 year old who backed out of a party that had alcohol makes me a huge pansy... or maybe not. I don't feel comfortable around people who are drinking, and I don't think I ever will. The way Thinh turns red, the way Lauren's eyes flash, the way Nick goes limp, the way Juston laughs uncontrolably, I just can't help but hate seeing my friends like that. What is the point of it anyway?
 
21 days doesn't seem so far way... but then again it looks way far off. I don't even feel anyhting for it anymore.

So I guess you really can tell something's wrong. Thinh brought it up this time, "I can just tell." I can't exactly deny it, but I at least try not to make it obvious. My mother has said something about it at least everyday this week. It's bad enough that my entire family has changed their opinion on this, but 90% of my friends have too. How many mistakes can this girl make... just one more, I think.

Boy Scout Camp, San Antonio, Church Camp, Home, HEB Camp, Arizona

This summer has been rather strange. When I got back from camp, a series of crazy events happened and all I wanted to do was stay away from it all. When my sister Krista comes, our world just goes to crap. I get kicked out of my room and the house gets very messy and everyone is really busy doing stuff. The day she left I thought it would go back to normal, but instead my world got crazier. Due to a ridicluous arguement on the phone and a series of minute past instances, my mother kicked me out of my house. So I left, and she then calls my cell phone every other hour demmanding to know where I am and that she's realy worried. I knew my mom was crazy, but this was just over the deep end. Fortunately I didn't have to deal with it because my cell phone was on vibrate and I didn't get the messages till morning. Whatever... I went back the next day and everyting was fine. Possibly the stupidest thing my family has ever done.

So I get to work at the Lighthouse everynight this week and I am very pleased with that fact. More money is good. I've been driving around after work with Thinh till almost 12:30 everynight talking about... well, problems. Seems right now all possiblities for a solution point to someting that I don't want to do, though it seems inevitable. I've been patient for a long time, and waiting a little longer doesn't seem that hard right now.

I'm quite discontent with livejournal and blogger right now. I seem to be missing the point of all this, why do we do this again?

Things happen that really make you not want to take anything for granted. Especially family. I'm sorry all of this had to happen to the Johnsons, and I'm SO glad Emily is doing alright.

-Addition to Yesterday-

There have been a lot of future plans that I have changed within the past few weeks. I had a plan, but it depended on something I thought might happen but doesn't look so promising anymore. Man, I liked that plan... it was beautiful. Oh well.

So now I'm just looking for a way out. One road straight out of San Angelo. I'm going to apply for every internship or job I can find that corresponds with my department. I'll take anything: magazine, newspaper, televison, radio... anything! My ambition has been hybernating the past 2 years and it's about to break out into ludicrous speed. I've got a Band scholarship interview/try out coming up this week and I'm gonna get it because I'm miss positive attitude!

I've pretty much figured I'm no longer a part of anyone elses future so it's only me on my own. God, please help me to see what you've got planned for me!

I've been reading the old posts in journals and blogs of the people who graduated last year just to get some insight on how they were feeling. Some things were different, but the basic feeling is (including me) excitement, sadness, and a little bit of fear.

The truth is I'm really looking forward to college. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I want the higher level thinking, the challenges, the hard work, the fun. At least my friends will still be here to experience everything with me.

My sister asked me yesterday what I regret most about my years in high school. My number one thing was that one New Year's Eve party I went to my sophomore year. I got drunk for the first time and forevermore I have to say, "Yeah, I drank in high school." That just kills me. Other than that I have the usual regrets: wish I would've studied harder, wish I would've made more friends, wish I would've been more particular about the boys I got involved with, wish I would've made more meaningful relationships with my friends, etc.

With graduation approaching I start thinking back on my senior year and how it went. The only thing I would change is having my boyfriend here to share it with me. But then again, I wouldn't have been able to go on that wonderful trip back in November, so... Obviously, that can't change and all in all I think my senior year was great! Full of RANDOM fun and befriending RANDOM people.

FOR MY SAKE, FAKE IT!.... Please?

It's nothing that I understand


So prom is in two days. I must say I'm not as excited as I hoped I would be. I WAS excited, but lately this hasn't been the case. I've actually been resenting it a little. I know I'm going to have fun, well, I think so. It's just really hard right now. With all this "date" stuff, I can't help but desperately long for Josh to be here. More than ever I believe. I didn't even feel quite this bad on Valentine's Day for goodness sakes! I hate myself for not asking him last year when I had the opportunity. But the flip side is he always could've asked me, and if I had asked, I don't think he would've cared enough to go. I want him here, I want him here I want him here IwanthimhereIwanthimehere! So much for originality.

Then there's this awful feeling. I've been thinking a lot about how things were last year at this time compared to this year. A lot of things were different, but some things are the same. Like right this time last year I had this same feeling. It was a different situation, but why does it feel the same? It's horrible and I swore I'd never put myself in a position to hurt like this again... but here it is. It's like there's a knot in my stomach and it feels like butterflies ALL the time. But not good butterflies, the ones that make you so nervous you want to throw up and cry at the same time.. Yeah, two days and running. I never would've thought.

I'm surrounded by friends but I feel solitude at the same time. Well, maybe not solitude, but some kind of lonely for sure. I don't know how it's possible to always associate one thing to everything all the time, but I do and it feels like an instinct. I wonder if this is the case on that side? GAW, and that damn song had to come on just now! I don't want to think about last summer right now. I give up.

OF COURSE IT WAS JUST A JOKE!

I would NEVER do that to the love of my life.


THE TRUE STORY, PLEASE CARE ENOUGH TO READ... SOME FUNNY AHH SHII:

What happened was I pulled up to the Lighthouse around 8ish and everyone was outside hanging out by the cars. Then Troy (who happens to be one of my long time friends and prom date) pulls up and comes to talk to me. So we're talking about the trip he went on last weekend to Denver with ASU ROTC and he was SO excited to tell me about the cool people he met from PURDUE. Also on the trip they gave the cadets free swing dancing lessons, so he wanted to teach me for prom. So during all this, we hear small shouts of "Two timing slut" and "Dirty Hoebag" and "Remember Josh" and "I'm calling him right now" and all that jazz. Then it gets worse... we were still talking when Thinh started sneaking up to behind the truck we were standing in front of. We were doing our best to ignore the comments, but a "bug" was just ridiculous. All of this sudden everyone is sneaking around us in all directions and we were surrounded.

Then all of this sudden, everyone breaks out and runs into three seperate cars and the drive away. Two minutes later they all pull up on three sides of us and all turn on their brights. This was getting out of hand. Still, we ignored and kept talking about stuff. Finally, the big moment came when Pablo, Nick, and Juston run up and grab me from behind and carry me to Thinh's awaiting trunk. The trunk slams with me in it, then 4 other doors slam and the car goes into gear with voices yelling "We're going to Indiana, stay away from her f*cker!" It speeds off with me, Thinh, Lauren, Pablo, Juston, and Nick all inside. Then about 2 minutes and a TON of screaming later, they stop the car and throw me out of the trunk into the street and drive off. I was SO disoriented, I didn't know what street I was on, but I just started running towards the nearest street sign. Avenue K and Pierce, about 3 blocks from the Lighthouse. I continue running back to the LH. I get to the alley and then the Echo drives up behind me with them still screaming nasty, nasty stuff. I get to the parking lot again to see Troy there with a look on his face that suggests he didn't know whether to laugh or run away. "I'm going to go ahead and go ok?" he says. I say back (out of breath) "Sure thing, see you later." And that was it.

There was no kissing, no "laughing, touching, tasting" or "kiss of lust and love." Leave it to all of them to create the drama. The rest of the night I was referred to as SLUT, HOEBAG, and WHORE. All in all, it was in fun and hilarious.

Josh, I love you so much and I would never do anything like that. You know that. I love you, I love you, a thousand times I love you.

So my sister is in San Antonio now. Good bye my dear Krista, see you this weekend :)

I'm living a pretty boring life right now. My day consists of battling my alarm clock at 6:30, getting through hell, working out after hell, sometimes working, sometimes doing homework, failing miserably trying to think up interesting things to tell Josh so he might still be interested in me, then drowning myslef in tea trying to get to sleep. If there's a point to this so called life I don't get it yet.

So my sister is home and it's awesome being with her again. She's such a joy to be around... and she swears like a sailor, it's hilarious. So far I've spent the weekend eating, laughing, watching movies, and reflecting on my childhood. My sister always reveals stuff that I did when I was little that I've completely forgotten about now. Like trying to make a dogsled team with my boxer, a leash, and a saucer sled. I ended up in a ditch. Also, trying to prove that the ice over pond was strong enough to hold me and my awesome powers. It wasn't strong enough. I vividly remember that day, now that she brings it up.

The big thing is her remembering my medical history. She distinctly remembers me having anemia as a young child and taking iron pills for it. I don't remember a lick of it, but of course I was like 3. Apparently I took them til I was about 8 or so, but all I remember is taking vitamins and such everyday. With the results of my cancer test and such, along came the yellow flag on my reb blood cell count being slightly lower than normal, a.k.a anemia. Haha, my mom didn't even remember I had a history of it till my sister said something. You think you'd remember that about your child? Oh well, it sure explains a lot though. Me catching every cold that goes around and being sick almost ALL the time ( i know what you're thinking, white blood cells would be associated with this, right? but doc says it's not only the getting sick, but the duration of the sickness). Also, Josh would know this more than anyone, me getting rediculously cold very easy. Although, weight loss and loss of appetite is associated with anemia... it's apparent that that is not a symptom of mine, darn the luck. The good thing is I don't have to take pills for it. Just eat more iron rich foods. That won't be bad, I love spinach.

The Lighthouse is always better on rainy days. The atmosphere is hazy and dark, like a memory is trying to appear again.

This month is so full of stuff. It's going to be great. Upcoming events include Christmas in April, Dinner Theatre, Church Easter Musical, UIL, end of final counted 6 weeks, my sister moves back to the states, Easter, Winter Guard competition, stay at home in the mornings for a week because of TAKS testing, Prom, Corpus Christi Trip, Josh's 19th birthday, and him coming home. So much fun... all in a month!

I really do like my job, especially since I've experienced others that are worse. It's just the little things that irk me, like th fact that he never posts the schedule the same time every week and how we opened with 20 employees and now have 8 and we're all still getting 12 hours a week.

Thank you, Bailey Browder for your persuasive skills and thank you Mrs. Mckinney for being easily persuaded. Our test on 1984 is now on Monday, so I can actually READ the book now as opposed to skimming it w/spark notes. I'm on page forty-something and it's really good. Dystopias give me the creeps.

I had a very weird weekend. Not that weird things happened, just that I had a very weird feeling all weekend. Unfortunately it all started with UIL, and I don't know why I let all that stupid stuff bother me so much. Maybe because last week I was an emotional wreck and it seemed like everything was amplified. At work Saturday night I felt so unstable and I REALLY needed someone to talk to, but of course being at work didn't exactly give me a chance to do that. When there was some down time, I ended up "talkng" to Josh through this 3 page letter. I wrote him 3 pages on why everything was bothering me and how I felt about things. I don't think I'm going to send it though, it looked to me like whinning after I read through it. It was just nice to vent, even if it was in a letter that I'll never send. It was almost like he was listening, but in reality had no idea anyhting was wrong. Writing is probably the best way for me to let out feelings, I see that now and I need to do it more often. It all comes down to me having an identity crisis that has gone on since the beginning of the summer. Of course every teenager goes through it, so that just means I'm normal. Senior year is an emotional roller coaster... you turn 18, you decide what college you want to go to, you prepare for college and leaving home... it's jsut really hard on the psychie. Of course, the former 2 things I mentioned I'm not even going through, though I wish I was. But it all boils down to how you view yourself and appreciating yourself, something I need to work on. So loving others helps you to love yourself, which helps you to love others more. It's a win win situation. That Jesus fellow had this mastered.


And I must say Thank You.

I just got back from Abilene. I competed in the UIL Current Events thingy and Literary Critizism. Both were very difficult and I hate myself for signing up for it. Surrounded by all those people competing I just kept feeling like I DID NOT belong at all. I mean, is there anything that I'm actually good at, instead of just mediocre? After the tests I was sitting there thinking about what my fortes are, trying to comfort my own broken spirit. I couldn't think of anything. Maybe I should change that.

Well, my friend's brother committed suicide two days ago. What is it with this lately? I don't even know what to think about Josh and Kevin. Those bastards should get the same treatment. I just want to scream! I didn't see the video, and I don't want to. I know I'd be sick. In the words of the anonymous guy on Daniel's phone, what the fsck!

I took a really hard economics essay test today. I've about had it with school. I'm ready to get my butt out of there already. Graduation can't come too soon. Even though I'm accepted to ASU and I've been planning to go there since forever, there's a little part of me that wants to do something really drastic. Like save a whole bunch of money and just leave Texas and not come back. Of course I'll never have the guts to do it, but it's fun to think about. Maybe I'll just be a stuardess so I can travel. Apparently it's considered the second sexiest occupation, second only to Nurses and Doctors. Whatever. I'll be done in 2 months and Amber and I can stop complaing about Central and start whinning about ASU.

National Honors Society Ceremony tonight. Joy joy joy. I'll be sure to use a lot of hairspray to increase me chances of my hair catching on fire. Yay!

I found out some really bad news yesterday that affected me deeply. Someone VERY close to me was checked into a Psychiatric Ward on "Suicide Observation." Apparently she's been cutting for months now and hears voices that tell her to do things. She cut herself deeper than usual the other day, and was sent away yesterday. I grew up with her, Easters, Thanksgivings... Anniversarys... Weddings... Birthdays. I don't understand. I don't understand how someone can just change like that and all of this sudden want to end their life. Everyone has hard times... EVERYONE. But some problems affect people more than they would other people. I know some of her problems, and I don't think I would be able to handle them either, but suicide? I told my mom last night that maybe she should come live with us and get into a more stable environment (though lately it hasn't been very stable, but anything's better than where she is.) We're going to discuss it after spring break. I hope the intervention jolted it out of her.

I want... my parents to be parents.

I have... too much negativity in my life.

I regret... not being there for people when they needed me most.

I wish... I could stay young forever.

I love... Josh.

I hate... unecessary rudeness and sarcasm.

I miss... California and my childhood innocence.

I fear... solitude.

I hear... my prayers echoing in my head.

I search for... a way to not be disgusted with my actions.

I am thankful... for you.

I would change... my physical appearance.

I am glad... that I am healthy.

I need... some reassurance, a hug, and some genuine tender loving care.

I feel terrible about something. When good things happen to people close to me, I want to be there to share their joy and such. Not only was I not there for him, but I was completely non-receptive to everything. My mind and heart were closed because of a misunderstanding, and that revelation didn't go too well. Now it's all over and the hurt feelings are replaced by guilt.

This is so big... SO BIG. It's his step into a fantastic career. It's amazing, really. He deserves every bit of it. If I'm not mistaken, this means he'll be in Texas this fall no matter what. Coincidentaly, I'm supposedly getting a new car in the fall when college starts. I see the mileage racking now and I can't wait!


God answers prayers.

I was thinking today about how certain sounds, smells, tastes, etc. trigger stuff in your memory that send you right back to where you first encountered them. The big thing for me is music. I never used to listen to music this much, EVER! I have mainly Josh and Daniel to thank for this. To them I am forever indebted. Here goes it:

"Into the Darkness" Juliana Theory - Driving around some summer night before we were dating. I pretty much forced him to introduce me to Juilana Theory.

Mae "Summertime" - Well, duh.

All American Rejects "Swing Swing" - Summer 2002 driving to Canada.

Ben Folds "Wandering" - Sometime either September or October at night missing him terribly.

Norah Jones "Come Away With Me" - Sitting in the hot tub in New Mexico this summer wishing I was back in San Angelo.

Oasis "Wonderwall" - Playing this song on my guitar with Chris Weaver.

Postal Service "Such Great Heights" - Singing and acting it out with Juston in Magnolia in probably early September.

Postal Sevice "Sleeping In" - Driving to Austin on our first trip.

Juliana Theory "You Always Say Goodnight" - Driving around Ruidoso, NM still wishing I was home.

Stephen Speaks "Out of my League" - Sitting in the St. Louis airport, nervous as can be.

Postal Srvice "District Sleeps Alone" - Watching Josh paint his senior square in the youth room on his last day in San Angelo.

Sumblime "What I Got" - Eight of us crammed into Matt's Caddilac screming this song at the top of our lungs after church every Sunday.

Opium "Heaven is a Half Pipe" - Matt always played this for me when he drove me from Band practice to Play rehearsal sophomore year.

The Shins "Chutes too Narrow" - One night after a movie........."Whoa, is that The Shins? They're palying The Shins!"....................

Phantom Planet "California" - The song I wish were true for me..... 'California, here we come'


There are many others that remind me of things, just these stand out in my mind. A smile comes to my face with all of these, even though they weren't all happy times. It's just really fun to think about.

Wouldn't it be nice
If I could melt myself like ice
Or outrun my skin
And just be pure wind

I had a really long post in here, but then I read an e-mail and decided to delete it.

So it appears that everything's okay.

It's times like these when I get really confused. I think people want one thing from me, but when I try to do that it just blows up in my face and gets more people involved that DON'T need to be. I'm really trying to help Ashlin in this situation with her, Thinh, Tyler, Ben, Jeremy, and Cody. I mean, finally I have time to help her but she doesn't seem like she really wants it. Also, in "helping" her I end up putting a friendship on the line that really means a lot to me. In doing this I end up putting other peoples friendships with people on the line and it just gets rediculous! This whole situation is out of control and very immature and I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I've tried to help, really I have but I'm staying out of it. Ashlin you are my best friend and will be forever, but honey I can't help. To add to this:


Dear Thinh,

I'm really, really sorry if what I've done was offensive.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

The years are fast, but the days are long.

I wish people were open and honest, it would make things a lot easier. I'm not going to judge, I just want to know...