too long gone

It has been way too long... I totally kick myself for not making a post on February 29! What the heck was I thinking! Being how my brain is occupied by a million other things right now, not thinking about that is the least of my problems. I look at my desk and around my room and I see lists for everything. Books I want to read, letters I have to send, prayer requests, music I want to get ahold of, tests I need to register for. The latter is by far my absolute worst enemy right now. I have at least 3 very expensive exams I have to take SOON and I am quite nervous. I think my lack of confidence in myself is directly responsible for my procrastination, but I really need pray, let it go, to get over it.

I believe that is the worst result of this looming thing and has been the aspect I have been most struggling with. It seems I have lost almost all confidence in myself and my decisions. I don't trust myself anymore, which puts a big damper on planning anything. It's ironic because I am all about the "planning" thing but now I can't seem to get past a few months from now. This is where one of my new favorite verses (and new meditations) comes in:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

That has become my new mantra and has helped me immensely. My Bible plus peppermint mochas are at the top of my favorites list right now. Up there also are jammin to the Beatles, rockin the pool table, and debating with Jeff (and other such Republicans.) My confidence is slowly returning and I must say the job offer at San Marcos helped. I am still a marketable professional with a caring personality and newfound wisdom... my vivacity is slowly returning with time.

Right now its all about the students, both high school and college. My heart is poured in them now.

recent aquisitions

I was bequeathed this book by my adoring 2nd-cousin Bob, the famous Italian one. Of course, HE would be the one to give me this book. I actually have a bit of a past with this book, so I am going to put in on my coffee table where it was always meant to go. It really is an incredible book - not only for recipes, but for food history from every region in Italy. What a history lesson! I've been mastering my cooking skills, though not iron chef quality yet. I think Jeff and Kevin benefit from it the most, Anne is a close third. The point is, I love this book and despite the history, it was an apt gift from my cousin.

I was given the Juno soundtrack by Tyler. Then I fell in love with Kimya Dawson and my life is changed. People rave about the movie constantly, but I'm not quite sure what I think about it yet. I loved and appreciated the writing because it was amazingly smart and witty, and we all know I lack wit. This doesn't mean I am not intelligent, I'm just not funny. I'm the one who sits back and listens to witty banter, understanding all allusions and jokes there in, but never engages in the conversation myself. That given, I really appreciated the writing and delivery, but the movie as a whole didn't strike me as incredibly impressive like it seems to be for everyone else. I bet 5 years ago I would have thought it was the cat's meow, but I've moved on to loving more mature movies like There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, Godfather, etc. It's weird; these days I would take a literary, lyrical period piece over celebrity laden romantic comedies when even last year I just loved every movie I watched. Hmm. I still really want to see Once. Oh, and you can't take Sex and the City away from me. It is my only weakness.

the student becomes the teacher

Day One: Mrs. Robinson's class

"Now here's to you Mrs. Robinson..." I love that song. Haha. I am so exhausted right now! Being with kids all day is pretty draining! Plus, four hours of Residence Hall work after that makes it that much more tough and about a 14 hour day today. I'm a zombie right now.

Day one was pretty excellent. I got off to school way too early and was there at 7:00, still completely dark. The cool thing is I get to park in all the white zones with no fear of a ticket and I get full access to that teacher's lounge in Newton, like it's some special society or something. The strangest thing is being at Central with all those memories and looking at it now with a whole new perspective. I had a sub today, so my co-teacher was not even there. I got to teach the class by myself on the first day! Exhilerating.

I had to take a survey yesterday about how I deal with stress, whether it turns into self-mutilation, becoming anti-social, sweaty palms, etc. What happens to me is at first I stop eating completely for about 3 weeks, then I shift and can't stop eating. I know this now only because the high stress that I experienced last year ended with the same result on my physical appearance in both major incidents. I see how Lauren lost all that weight... you just become too busy to eat. I came back to my apartment tonight and found half a cup of coffee and a peanut butter and banana waffle with ONE bite taken out of it lying pitifully on a napkin in my kitchen. I really was convinced that I had eaten breakfast. Seriously, I wasn't hungry all morning because I believed I had eaten that thing. I had to laugh because I had just spoken with Josh about the stress thing. Ha!

Let's see how day two goes.

How to die in California...

48 hours ago....

Just read it all. Right now I'm pretty traumatized... and extremely angry. Angry at my Dad for not listening to me and and at Italian men in general for being all around bastards! I'll get back to that in a moment, but here's the title story: (if you need to, jump to THE GOOD PART... there are NO Cassieisms exaggerations.

STORY PREP. Today was the day designated for me to go visit my Dad's cousins Bob and Fran Pastorino, which I guess makes them my second cousins. You may have seen on CNN and MSNBC and such that the storm of the decade moved in over night and was blowing trees down all over the city and the Bay area. 70-100 mile an hour gusts and rain to boot. Power lines were falling from everywhere, trees were dropping, and cars were being pushed off the roads and into parked cars while the winds blew. Four semi trucks were overturned on the Bay Bridge! The conditions were not very condusive to driving across the mountains into the Napa Valley where they all live. Sitting on my bed waiting for my Dad and Nonni to be ready, all I can hear are sirens going off at various distances in the neighborhood. Point One: I told my Dad we should reschedule for Sunday and forget the drive. Well, he didn't want to wait... and he got mad at me for tying us all up. "Don't let down your cousins, they planned a big dinner." So we left. Is that not exactly what the authorities tell you NOT to do?

Heading over the Golden Gate Bridge (Highway 101) we hear on the radio that Highway 101 is closed North and South bound after the bridge due to construction materials were blown across the highway at some areas. Due to the overturned semis closing the other bridge and 101 being closed, there was only one other way to get into the Napa Valley: California 1. Maybe you've heard of this highway? It is the one that goes from Baja California all the way to Oregon following the coastline. Beautifully depicted in a Decemberists song, the coastline highway makes one think of a sunny day of driving with the top down watching the surf of the pacific ocean. I've seen Cal 1 on one of those days, but today was not it. It is incredibly windy with hairpin turns and cliffs that fall lead straight into the rocks where high tides and those gusts I mentioned were pushing sea water UP an incredible distance. Here we are, Dad driving too fast in his little soft-top BMW convertable, 93 year old Nonni in the front seat and me in the back clenching my teeth so hard in fear my face went numb. We hit about 3 "road closed" signs, but my Dad kept finding another way to get to the one he wanted. I was praying so hard I think everyone in Heaven heard my screaming thoughts. So we're driving on this highway following a few other cars (more stupid people!) and you couldn't really see the lines on the road because debri leaves were littered everywhere. Then we see this one "road closed" sign and it is the ONLY road that leads to the other ones that lead to the valley. My dad just drives right through the barrier, my Nonni and I both firmly voicing our objections but, like everything else today, he didn't listen.

THE GOOD PART. After about 5 minutes of relatively clear road, we come to the part of the road that was obviously the reason for the closing: low water crossing about 100ft across full of water. I may have been born in California, but I grew up a Texas girl so I KNOW you don't ever EVER attempt a waterlogged road (last March's Red Arroyo and the two PIKE boys who died in the river last year played in my mind here), especially in the teeny tiny car that we were in. My dad slowed a little bit so I though we were going to turn around, but then he plunged into it! I started screaming from the backseat "No, DON'T, NOOOO!" What an idiot! This is partially why I am so angry... he wouldn't listen to me. We were okay for about 10 feet, then the water went over the hood. Instantly, the water started coming in the cracks of the doors and filling up the floor boards. My Nonni just placed her feet up on the dashboard and I abandoned my heels to the floorboard and crouched on the backseat, trying to think of what to do next. As the water poured in, I looked to my left and saw that there was a creek that I guess was the cause of the flood, but it was not a creek anymore and there was white water against the trees which meant a strong current. I put my laptop and jacket onto the back headboard and thought only that the best thing to do would be to get out through the windows and push the car backwards while we still could reach the ground. The water was only up to above my knees outside the car. The car is a coup, so there was no way for me to jump out unless Nonni let me crawl over her and out the window. I then realized the danger of power windows. All my Dad was doing was swearing loudly while trying to start the car and yelling at me to sit down. He got the window down to check the water height. He wouldn't let me out and he sure wouldn't listen to my suggestion about pushing the car backwards. By this time the middle console was submerged, I couldn't see the emergency break, and water was 3 inches covering the backseat so I was soaked from waist down. Looking outside, the water was now to the windows which meant the creek was rising. The water was rising, the car wasn't starting, and my Dad wouldn't let me out!!! I felt terrified. I couldn't get out because my Dad wasn't letting me. I'm not sure if getting out of the car was even a smart move, but it was all I could think to do... the car could go under, but at least we'd be out of it! It was actually quite terrifying becuase I was really being held in a position of danger against my will by the only man in the world divinely required to protect me. I seriously considered breaking the back window or grabbing my Nonni and going out her window, as best I could get her. Just before I was about to do something (which I think would've been breaking Nonni's window and getting she and I out) God sent two Angels and a Chariot in the form of two Mexicans and and Toyota Tundra with a 10 foot nylon rope. They pulled just ahead of us and threw my Dad the rope, who wrapped it around the steering wheel. As they pulled us, water went in over the window on my Dad's side and I saw an inch or two of murky water wanting to get in on the closed window of the passenger side. Then it receded and we were on the other side of it and on the road up the hill a little bit. Dad opened the door and water poured out and I could see the emergency break again. Water was still pooled in the floorboard and I couldn't see my heels... thank goodness I don't buy expensive shoes. By God's divine hand, the two broken-English speaking Angels had jumper cables and miracle of miracles, the BMW actually started. I was fumbling for my purse to give them something or write down their names or something, but as soon as they pulled the cables off and closed the hood, Dad backed up and then drove off! He drove off and hardly thanked them! They said they were going to follow us, but my dad didn't hear it and wouldn't listen to me while I was screaming at him to wait for them. There is nothing scarier than being in a place where you have NO control... he wouldn't let me out, he wouldn't slow down, he wouldn't stop the car, I was just trapped. It was terrifying. I never thought my Dad would ever put me and his mother in that type of situation and not consider at all anything I say.

I was wet, shaking from cold and seething with anger. Nonni was surprisingly cool in all of this. She just sat there and said her "Hail Mary's:" Thank God only her legs got wet, the water didn't quite reach her seat. I think the only thing she said after all of that was "Oh me, my stockings will have to be washed." What a trooper. I, on the other hand, was furious that my Dad even attempted such a feat more furious at the fact that he was kind of smiling from the front seat as if he had anything to do with us getting out of that mess. God is gracious and ever so protective and I really loathed my father at that point. Yes, it was mistake. People make mistakes. If they hadn't been there, we could've lost the car. Or worse, since he sat there just trying to start the damn thing and wouldn't let me out, what if the water had gone over the windows? I guess one of those tools might actually be useful, but I know none of you would ever drive knowingly into that!

But this was a BIG mistake. He risked our lives and it was totally unnecessary! I told him not to! Why won't he listen to me? Why don't they ever LISTEN to me!? Reading this you may think I'm over-reacting but I don't think I am. I was really scared. Really, really scared. I didn't panic, panic would have been getting out no matter restraint. I was just trying to think fast and mine and Nonni's lives came to the forefront of the mind at the sight of the rising water. I'm not going to justify any of my actions or reasoning or anything. What the hell would anyone do in that?

God is amazing.

This story ends happily because my Nonni is asleep in her bed in the next room and I'm writing this all on my dry laptop at 2:00 am on January 5th. We met with Bob and Fran and Bob leant me sweat pants while they dried my skirt. I was half Sunday morning church, half Saturday night football when we ate our formal Italian dinner.

I finally got to my purse. My 3 lipsticks will recover, but other things I think will not. I lost my cell phone, iPod, headphones, and brand new digital Camera and a memory card... and trust in the protection of men. Since I now have no cell phone, I don't have a chance to TALK about this to anyone, which is probably why this post is so long. I need to talk but can't, I'm shaking as I type this. Sadly, the only numbers I really have memorized are my mom's and Josh's. Plus, it's like 2 for central time.

christmas passed

The greatest thing about Christmas is the giving. I gave the best gift to my mom this Christmas, and she even picked it out. I bought her a Bible. No longer the old King James version that has been on that bookshelf for as long as I can remember. It is her own New International Version. I don't think I could have given a better gift to anyone... only a few people will understand the significance of this.

Then there is the "getting" part of Christmas. So I actually made a pretty good haul. Here's the list:

• gloves
• shoes
• scarf
• vintage hat
• vintage Spode dish (working on the hope chest!)
  
• Focus Features box set: Lost in Translation, Pride and Prejudice, Eternal Sunshine, Contsant Gardner
• Beth Moore's Get Out of That Pit
• Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love
• Philipa Gregory's The Other Boleyn Girl
• God's Promises book
• some money (going to the Europe Fund)

The best time really was just hanging out with Anni and Steve and my mom. At the risk of sounding like a ten year old, I won't ever outgrow the wonderful joy of reading on the couch with hot cocoa in hand. Nothing beats it.

Now all the fun and games are over. It is time to work and work hard! I have Harry Potter book 7 to finish, a presentation to prepare for RA training, the GRE to study for, and two papers to edit so they are worthy for the conferences in the spring. Grad school really can't come soon enough.

the curse of the tall

I went to my third wedding in one week tonight. Wow! That's a lot of cake. Tonight's was by far the most interesting, but also most beautiful. The Cactus Hotel is such a perfect venue for weddings. The mezzanine, the ballroom, the lighting, the gold! It's really gorgeous, especially when it's all lit up for Christmas. They decorate that tree the same way every year. I really like traditions like that.

I caught the bouquet. Oops.

Fiery Trials

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the firey trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. 1 Peter 4:12

God is teaching me incredible lessons regading growth. I see with undeniable evidence that growth means pruning, and pruning means pain. I confess, I'm actually a coward when it comes to pain. I certainly never pray for it, but it seems to be there everyday and it may even be necessary. Moreso now that I am mourning. I do not anticipate or look forward to it, but it is there. I can do only one thing. I ask God to steady me, since the Bible so clearly states that trials are a part of our lifewalk with him. I am learning more and more about what that means.

In all honesty, I would prefer to escape this testing. To run miles and miles from it; busy myself with trivial tasks to keep away from it. I don't like the pain of emotional trauma, which seems sometimes to be so overwhelming, consumming, and baffling. I don't like the deep cutting pain that goes on without relief. The pain of lonliness frightens me, the pain of losing someone dear to me grieves me.

Nevertheless, I am praying for an open heart. I can't begin to contemplate what firey ordeals God may choose for my testing and growth, but I do long for my yieldness to prove my willingness to be conformed to the image of his Son.

injured

Today I had a really bad "blood donating" experience. First off, my iron level was lower than usual because of my severe lack of appetite, but it still dropped just before that 15 second mark. Then when they pricked me I just bled and bled and bled. I was seriously in the chair for about 5 minutes total. The nurses looked kind of disturbed at how fast I gave the pint. When they removed the needle, I kept bleeding. It shot out of that vein like it was a ruptured artery or something, ending up all over my arm. Quite disgusting. Even after putting my arm over my head and all the correct procedures, the blood wouldn't cease. Twice I just let it gush out and form a pool of maroon on the nook of my elbow. This too disturbed those nurses. Finally, after the pressure of nurse's firm grip, it stopped and I was able to leave.

As I left, I couldn't help but feel it was some kind of metaphoric and symbolic experience for me. Yeah, I'm bleeding.... profusely. And it won't stop.

dealing

What I've been saying to myself for the past two months:

Tomorrow will be better than today.
Tomorrow will be better than today.
God please, allow tomorrow to be better than today.

I ran 12 miles total last week and blew out my ankle. Ouch.

end of sucktober... finally

I just got back from a 2.5 mile run. It is 1:30 in the morning. I really had to run.

In the roller coaster that I went on last month I was really hoping this month there would be a grand change. The morning after Halloween I woke up pretty rejuvenated and kind of "okay, things are good." I taught my classes at Central, got things done for work, paid my Alpha Chi dues, and spent 9 hours at our big event dancing with everyone (and dislocating my thumb) and then things felt peachy. If there is anything I've learned this year it's feelings are so very deceiving! When I got back in my room I checked my email, phone, everything that I had missed that day and then I felt sick. I took a shower hoping to cleanse myself and calm myself down, but it just got worse from there. I remember getting out of the shower, fumbling for a towel and slowly stepping towards my room. Then the breathing quickened, the hearing went completely, and vision started to blacken. Then I thought, "Oh crap" and wack! Floored. I awoke hours later and crawled, crying and nausious into my bed.

It was one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had. When I woke up I didn't know where I was, why I my hair was wet, why I had no clothes on... it was seriously traumatic. I felt such solitude. Even after I woke up the next morning, I felt intrepid and determined not to falter from my vow that this month will be different. I did end up going through the day decently, not even shedding a tear which a a huge step. However, today...er, yesterday, was a different story. Today was completely wasted. I ate breakfast, struggling with everything imaginable due to my thumb, and turned on the football game. I tried to write a little, but found it too painful which made me angry because that is usually my outlet, and the anger lead me to thinking about my situation and then it was all over. Today was wasted. I had another panic attack and spent hours trying to regain normal breathing without subsequent sobs.

Anne and Mike got me to the football game at halftime, but it took a massive amount of force. I am so at a loss for what to do. Prayer helps me regain composure, but only for seconds. How long will this go on? Enough already! I know, I know, I know, I KNOW what happened. Now I'm tortured for it and the punishment is so severe. Punished or forced lessons or somthing. I obviously haven't learned enough yet. I guess I'll know when I can think about the future and not want to get in the fetal position and stay there forever.

I had to run.

Girl, I know the hall looks dark
& the storm it seems so scary
Your face lit up on beats of lightning
you start, you start running
& your eyes are like screaming
& since there is no end and no beginning
You will run
You will run
You will run

Girl, I know the woods look dark
& the trees they seem so deadly
The girls around you are so frightened
& you start, you start to panic
and your courage starts to vanish
& the world, it really is on fire

& it burns
& it burns
& it burns

incapable of breathing

Okay, so it's as they say: pain so bad it's blinding.

I'm trying. I'm reading. I'm forbidding myself the comfort of my couch or warmth of my bed, but I think it's for the wrong reasons. I'm really just running from it. I can't even think about life a month from now, a week, a day... I'm living minute to minute.

I'm looking for a purpose in all this and I can't find one. Then I force myself to pray.

step one: back to basics

Make God the focus and the only relationship for now.

Check.

cool things for today

Today I woke up at 8 am, fully rested and fully awake. I figured out how I'm going to go about getting things straight in my life. For the past week I've been less than myself. I scared my family so much I had Anne, Elisa and my mother all show up at my apartment at the same time without meaning to just to check on me. Things will get better, I have to keep saying that. So to feel better I have to look for positive things. Here's what I noticed today:

• They used Andrew Bird's "Imitosis" on a Marriot commercial during the Purdue Game

• Legal Pads are the best way to study

• I got to sing "Fight On State" and "Hail, Purdue" today because they both won

• My Grape Creek girls won Best Auxillary for 3A at UIL today.

Things will get better.

past in present

You know when you reach that point where you look back at your previous writings and actions and are disgusted by what you see? It's like being a senior in high school and looking back on your sophomore year and thinking "Was I really that naive? Did I actually do that?" Or it is looking back on how you handled a situation and you don't even recognize yourself. The same questions apply.

For me, this happens more than it should. If I were to compile a list of songs that apply to the last three months, they would hit every extreme emotion in the human psyche: elation, depression, joy, remorse, self-doubt, self-assurance, hopelessness, regret, determination... I could go on and on. What it all boils down to is I am a very confused young woman and I need to get a hold of myself before I lose more than I already have.

BIG Lessons I've learned:

• People give advice and warning for a reason. When people who care about you see a choice you are making and say "Hey, maybe you should think about that," I should definitely listen. My family and Josh were on the same page. Usually I barrel ahead full force, determined that I will succeed and if I don't , well, then I'll deal with that later. You learn by experience, right? Yeah, you learn... but it hurts so much worse.

• Instincts are a defense mechanism divinely inspired. When something doesn't seem right about a certain situation it is because it is not right. Wait a second, that red light is flashing for a reason? Yep! It means, don't go there. God has your best interests in mind and you could avoid a lot of turmoil if you will just listen. Signs are everywhere.

• Signs are problematic. Something you may think means this may just be a challenge that means something completely different. Know and follow hard after Him. Pray about decisions before they are made.

Things I'm learning:

Learning to trust my instincts has been such a challenge. Yeah, I see a warning sign but I turn my head and keep diving. It very closely resembles extreme self-destruction. I'll get into the "self" stuff later. I'm learning to be bold and say what I mean without circumventing the purpose. Ha, yet there are limits there. There is a time to say things and a time to withhold information, but I'm still figuring out when that ideal time is. My biggest fear is running out of time... being too late.

I've realized that selfish is one word to describe my behavior this year. This year! How sad is that? Self-centered, self-interested, self-obsessed, self-serving, inconsiderate, thoughtless. Everything a Christian is not and everything separating us from God. On the bright side, I recognize that and I can change it. It doesn't define me from this point on.

I'm learning why I'm in this job. I have so many people at my finger tips that I can affect in such a positive way, but I've spent so much time locked in my room wallowing in self-doubt. College freshmen are such sponges and everything influences them. There is a lot of good that can be done here, I just need to be open to the possibilities.

Of course there are myriads of lessons learned everyday and there are so many more things I'm going through (like knowing everything I say falls on deaf ears) and so much more to learn. Everything everyone's said to me was right, however, there is hope for me. I am redeemable. Being a human, I am flawed but not forsaken. I know I can trust God, love biblically, therefore inherently be content. Happiness is not a life aspiration, but a fleeting emotion that helps you appreciate blessings. Challenges are inevitable, changes are necessary, seeking is a waste of energy. Moving forward is my only option, but I need to go backwards a bit to move forward.

Solitude will benefit me greatly but I'm suiting up for a fight.

Age 21-10=

Cheers to learning lessons!

Or at least recognizing what my life lessons are...

New Everything

Everything is different. Today did not feel like a school day or at least what I think the first day of school should feel like. It is just weird.

First of all, Annie came to my room this morning, had breakfast, sang some songs, and I walked her to her first class. THAT has never happened before and it was totally dorky cute. I love that she and I are finally at the same school.

Second, I had someone to meet after class. Taylor made sure I knew where he was having lunch and made sure to greet me. That has never happened before, either. Not for anything but lack of opportunity for it to happen.

Third, I am scared of my literature classes. Very scared. I have never been this intimidated before. Then again, there is a little voice inside me screaming "You can do this!" I'm staring to listen to the muffled scream.

Everything is so different.

bittersweet indeed

I don't even know what to write here anymore. I feel compromised. I'm trying to hide everything and not let perception be reality, but no one believes me.

I don't even feel safe in the one place I go to get away from the world, either. I fear going to my own church because of the current situation. Perception is reality. I hate human nature in that way. I believe everything happens for a reason... it's all in His timing. Why are humans so judgemental?

Three summers ago I started this blog full of hope and a fantasy. My passion as a 17 year-old has become less idealistic. I've grown. People grow. They leave behind what they need to to move on. Where would I be if I had not let my brother go? My Dad? Now Josh?

Renewal is refreshing. NEW is refreshing. Pursuits are refreshing. Sadness is inevitable, but love heals all wounds past, present, future.

Changes

Create in me a new heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Ps 51:10-12

the heart of a love child

I've gotten a little itch lately to just get up and GO! Living in San Angelo, Texas, I am quite sick of there just being movies, coffee and ice cream to entertain the entirety of the young population. I want to bike, canoe, hike, swim in freshwater, climb trees, camp, dance (as in salsa, cha-cha, ballroom, the real stuff), and when the day is over I want to eat at an organic coffee shop that puts humus on sandwiches. I have really gotten so far from my roots that I have found myself thinking mesquite trees are kind of pretty. I know all God's creations are beautiful, but I seriously think only the Devil himself would put giant spikes on trees that cause blood poisoning when they puncture skin.

Okay, so that's getting away from the point. The point is I grew up an entirely different person than what I thought I would. From birth to 10 I ate mainly organic and practically lived outdoors. I was raised a bonified granola child, along with all of my other siblings. My family used to hike like nobody's business; I hiked 6000 feet up Mt. Shasta when I was 9 years old and I've peeked multiple other mountains in CA before the age of 10. I miss the whole wheat apple croissants and having easy access to Blue Sky Cherry Vanilla Cream soda whenever I want. I see pictures of my hippie mother when she was my age wearing bell bottoms and a belt that reads "Save the Children" and my dad always talks about the Summer of Love and smoking joints with Janis Joplin and The Grateful Dead. Where is my defining generation moment!

I think what I miss most about CA is the progressive conservationist attitude. The majority of Texans just don't have the mind set that will sustain the planet. I get so mad when I see one person driving around in a huge suburban or some jackass in a lifted F150 swerving through traffic like it's a road race. HELLO?! India and China are competing heavily for oil now, gas will never be under $2 anymore and it's running out and you're waisting it to look like a fashionable Texan? Screw that.

I'm just trying to keep in touch with that love child I once was, so I think I'm going to focus on that for this summer. My boyfriend thinks I'm an idiot for being that way... I've already strayed too far from who I think I should be which means I don't know myself very well. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted but since my birthday, those rose colored glasses I viewed the world through came off and I'm left feeling like an angsty teenager. Haha, the cycles we go through. I know everyone does this too.


I think very few people really understand how much I miss this stuff.