end of sucktober... finally

I just got back from a 2.5 mile run. It is 1:30 in the morning. I really had to run.

In the roller coaster that I went on last month I was really hoping this month there would be a grand change. The morning after Halloween I woke up pretty rejuvenated and kind of "okay, things are good." I taught my classes at Central, got things done for work, paid my Alpha Chi dues, and spent 9 hours at our big event dancing with everyone (and dislocating my thumb) and then things felt peachy. If there is anything I've learned this year it's feelings are so very deceiving! When I got back in my room I checked my email, phone, everything that I had missed that day and then I felt sick. I took a shower hoping to cleanse myself and calm myself down, but it just got worse from there. I remember getting out of the shower, fumbling for a towel and slowly stepping towards my room. Then the breathing quickened, the hearing went completely, and vision started to blacken. Then I thought, "Oh crap" and wack! Floored. I awoke hours later and crawled, crying and nausious into my bed.

It was one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had. When I woke up I didn't know where I was, why I my hair was wet, why I had no clothes on... it was seriously traumatic. I felt such solitude. Even after I woke up the next morning, I felt intrepid and determined not to falter from my vow that this month will be different. I did end up going through the day decently, not even shedding a tear which a a huge step. However, today...er, yesterday, was a different story. Today was completely wasted. I ate breakfast, struggling with everything imaginable due to my thumb, and turned on the football game. I tried to write a little, but found it too painful which made me angry because that is usually my outlet, and the anger lead me to thinking about my situation and then it was all over. Today was wasted. I had another panic attack and spent hours trying to regain normal breathing without subsequent sobs.

Anne and Mike got me to the football game at halftime, but it took a massive amount of force. I am so at a loss for what to do. Prayer helps me regain composure, but only for seconds. How long will this go on? Enough already! I know, I know, I know, I KNOW what happened. Now I'm tortured for it and the punishment is so severe. Punished or forced lessons or somthing. I obviously haven't learned enough yet. I guess I'll know when I can think about the future and not want to get in the fetal position and stay there forever.

I had to run.