past in present

You know when you reach that point where you look back at your previous writings and actions and are disgusted by what you see? It's like being a senior in high school and looking back on your sophomore year and thinking "Was I really that naive? Did I actually do that?" Or it is looking back on how you handled a situation and you don't even recognize yourself. The same questions apply.

For me, this happens more than it should. If I were to compile a list of songs that apply to the last three months, they would hit every extreme emotion in the human psyche: elation, depression, joy, remorse, self-doubt, self-assurance, hopelessness, regret, determination... I could go on and on. What it all boils down to is I am a very confused young woman and I need to get a hold of myself before I lose more than I already have.

BIG Lessons I've learned:

• People give advice and warning for a reason. When people who care about you see a choice you are making and say "Hey, maybe you should think about that," I should definitely listen. My family and Josh were on the same page. Usually I barrel ahead full force, determined that I will succeed and if I don't , well, then I'll deal with that later. You learn by experience, right? Yeah, you learn... but it hurts so much worse.

• Instincts are a defense mechanism divinely inspired. When something doesn't seem right about a certain situation it is because it is not right. Wait a second, that red light is flashing for a reason? Yep! It means, don't go there. God has your best interests in mind and you could avoid a lot of turmoil if you will just listen. Signs are everywhere.

• Signs are problematic. Something you may think means this may just be a challenge that means something completely different. Know and follow hard after Him. Pray about decisions before they are made.

Things I'm learning:

Learning to trust my instincts has been such a challenge. Yeah, I see a warning sign but I turn my head and keep diving. It very closely resembles extreme self-destruction. I'll get into the "self" stuff later. I'm learning to be bold and say what I mean without circumventing the purpose. Ha, yet there are limits there. There is a time to say things and a time to withhold information, but I'm still figuring out when that ideal time is. My biggest fear is running out of time... being too late.

I've realized that selfish is one word to describe my behavior this year. This year! How sad is that? Self-centered, self-interested, self-obsessed, self-serving, inconsiderate, thoughtless. Everything a Christian is not and everything separating us from God. On the bright side, I recognize that and I can change it. It doesn't define me from this point on.

I'm learning why I'm in this job. I have so many people at my finger tips that I can affect in such a positive way, but I've spent so much time locked in my room wallowing in self-doubt. College freshmen are such sponges and everything influences them. There is a lot of good that can be done here, I just need to be open to the possibilities.

Of course there are myriads of lessons learned everyday and there are so many more things I'm going through (like knowing everything I say falls on deaf ears) and so much more to learn. Everything everyone's said to me was right, however, there is hope for me. I am redeemable. Being a human, I am flawed but not forsaken. I know I can trust God, love biblically, therefore inherently be content. Happiness is not a life aspiration, but a fleeting emotion that helps you appreciate blessings. Challenges are inevitable, changes are necessary, seeking is a waste of energy. Moving forward is my only option, but I need to go backwards a bit to move forward.

Solitude will benefit me greatly but I'm suiting up for a fight.