shout out to hypocrisy

Sometimes I find myself saying things in a manner that others take me too seriously on when I only meant it to be a joke. Then I wonder "Why are they mad? I wasn't serious."

Then it hits me. Hard. This is what happens to Josh all the time. I used to always get mad at him for saying things sarcastically but he meant no harm in saying. There are a million misinterpretations and misunderstandings on my part that have sparked big battles between us. I can think of about 5 examples (ok, more than 5) right off the bat. One example is this. Would I get mad if he said that about me? Probably a year or two ago. Not anymore, I think I've grown.

But that makes me think more. I can also think of at least 5 (ok, more than 5) times when I was really, really hurt by some of his actions. Like "Why the hell are you doing that to me" type stuff. Most offenses happened during that last month of high school for me and others sparatically throughout the years and I realize I am not over that stuff. I have scars and I'm bitter. So stubborn me doesn't want to let all the mean, sarcastic things slide. Stubborn me wants answers. Is that why something like that could have happened? Maybe. Probably. I don't know.

If we weren't dating I probably would laugh at most of the things he says like I did back then. Since we are dating (kind of) I find myself getting offended. Is that some kind of after affect of getting committed to someone? Is it really fair to expect them all of this sudden to change their personality for you? Answer: Nope. But we do expect that. I just want a compromise. I don't think I would get as offended if there was something behind it to affirm me. Such as, "here is something mean but I love you anyway." Instead it is just "here is something mean..." It is rather cold, empty and completely devoid of some amount of compassion. Is it fair to ask for compassion? Answer: you shouldn't have to ask.

What I do know is that I hate myself for letting my actions fall into the stereotypical female behavior patterns. Getting mad at meaningless remarks and starting ridiculous fights is what I've been doing. Can I escape that? Probably not, but at least I'm aware I do it. Maybe I can spot it easier now.

exam days < papercuts and lemon juice

My person is hilarious. Seriously, you should be so jealous of me.

Marching On

So, what's happening in my life? A million things.

I've been "on duty" all weekend, which is a bummer but also a necessity of my job. I find out if I got that promotion later this week. I hope I do just because it would be one of the greatest things that ever happened to me and would really help me be set for the future. I'd actually be able to save some money instead of living paycheck to paycheck which is really difficult.

Want to know what would be really great about it? I'd get a free apartment, complete with utilities paid and a kitchen! I'll be able to indulge my love of cooking and could actually host mini-dinner parties. It's pathetic that I sound so much like a domestic, but really I'm not. I just want to be able to cook for myself instead of living out of my microwave, which I have actually been pretty innovative with.

Eventually I will live in an apartment that will be the hippiest thing ever surely to make my 60's loving mother very proud. Now she's the one who has turned domestic. Married life turned her into someone who cares what other people think about the way she dresses and thinks and conformed her enough to wear bras. Growing up in a small town in California I don't think I wore clothes until I was almost 6 and I don't ever remember my mother wearing a bra Oh, the hilarity.

Oh well. I'll just have to be happy with my hippie dorm room and try to build my collection of Indian tapestries and African masks, complete with Japanese dinnerware and English tea sets. Maybe I'm not so much hippie as I am worldly.

Minus my heart affairs, I am happy with my life and slightly more confident with myself than I was last year at this time. I guess that's all you can hope for. Minor improvements.

These are a few...

And last but not least, the one I really REALLY want...

My 33

1. Write Nonnie once a month
2. Read at least 1 book per month
3. Drink 2 gallons of water a week
4. Write Thank You notes for all gifts
5. Send 2 pictures to Dad a month
6. Go to Church every Sunday when in town
7. Keep in touch with Matt, Pablo, Mehmet, and Nathan
8. Keep room very clean
9. Don't leave dirty dishes over night!
10. Eat out only once a week (and even that's pushing it)
11. Be more decisive about actions
12. Go dancing as much as possible
13. Learn to Pretzel, Salsa, and Merengue (the basics)
14. Be nicer to Anne Rose
15. Go home to see Mom and my cats more often
16. Keep in touch with siblings and nephew
17. Don't drink very much beer (and only Peroni at that)
18. Travel to Austin at least twice
19. Be brave enough to fix unhappyness
20. Learn to juggle
21. Get 7 hours of sleep a night
22. Spread the love
23. Embrace the future and consider all options
24. Discover and love a new band
25. Stop being the "yes" girl, it is ok to say "no" to people
26. Absolutely NO getting drunk
27. Establsih a film society
28. Get a 4.0 this Spring
29. Don't miss class--without very good reason
30. Play Tennis more often
31. Run 3x a week, weights 2x a week
32. Be as good a friend to Ashlin as she is to you
33. Do what makes you HAPPY and JOYFUL, get rid of what doesn't

A-doo-run-run-run, A-doo-run-run

Last year I made a list of 100 some-odd things to accomplish in the year 2006. In retrospect, I actually did a pretty good job of accomplishing those goals. I think I managed about 75% of them. I believe 100 was a little overkill, so this year I'm going to do 33. Thirty-three is pretty significant because it is the most balanced number in numerology and is also noted as being the most complete number. Jesus didn't begin his teachings until he was 33 either, so that's my number for 2007.

My one unoriginal plan is basically inspired my my sister's accomplishments and my boyfriend's goal of RUNNING. I'm kind of scared of it though because I hear so many horror stories about how people injure themselves and regret it later in life. Yet, also there are the people who have run all there life and are in great shape until a very old age. What's true about those people is they are also pretty small in stature. I am not. I'm tall, big boned, busty and curvy. Is running really going to be the best thing for my bones? One thing I know is that I'm going to have to start taking a calcium pill because I don't eat much dairy - no milk! - and I'm a woman so I need to worry about those things. All in all, I'm going to try it. I bought myself a Nike+ and an iPod and I'm going to get my money's worth. I do not want to delve into the extreme like Josh; there is no way I can run 100 miles by October while working full time and taking a large class load. I do have to work out some kind of plan for myself though... I'll post it when I figure it out. So here goes something - I'm going to be a runner.

Self Loathing

There are a few things I really hate about myself. They are guilty pleasures, bad habbits, and things I wish I could stop doing. Here goes:

1. I always say "Yes" even if I do not really want to do something

2. I actually enjoy some Lifetime movies. They can be addicting and delightfully cheesy.

3. I am very impulsive and almost too passionate about things

4. I harbor too many feelings and sometimes they burst out and rage like a hurricane. Then I physically feel the destruction.

5. I try to please people too much.

6. I let people close to me walk all over me and I don't stand up for muself because I'm scared of hurting feelings.

7. I make way too many lists. They're all over my room.

Off The Ball

I can't believe this. I missed a post in December. I'm really screwing up my archives here!

I returned yesterday morning from San Marcos, Texas where I had spent the weekend with my sister. She's adjusting to civilian life after fulfilling a 6 year service in the Air Force and is now getting her education at the most beautiful school in Texas. Texas State is really gorgeous and I'd go there if my scholarship would've permitted it.

She called me about two days after she moved there asking me to come down to help her set up. I can understand her position perfectly. Getting assimilated into a not-so-structured society again, living in a new town and having no friends. Yeah, that pretty much sucks. So, what are sisters for? Together we set up her washer and dryer (changing the prong plugs is a pain in the ass), recycled a million cardboard boxes, made friends at the local coffee shop, made friends with the waiters at INO'Z in Wimberly, and danced on the tables at Nephew's. By the way, the table dancing was ladies choice and I chose to dance with my sister and about 10 other girls on a table. Honestly, it's the most fun I've had with Krista ever. Sometimes desperate times pull out the best in relationships. Though, it worked out on the contrary with my other sister in San Francisco this Christmas. I don't know if I'll ever be able to travel with Anne Rose again. I try to block that vacation out of my memory.

I came back to San Angelo with a new love for Amaretto Sours and an even more renewed love of not being single. Thank God I have Josh and we met the way we did. I couldn't stand the stereotypical "We met at a bar" declaration. Though, we have the "We met at a coffee shop" thing, which is slightly less stereotypical but much more mild.

I'm really proud of Krista. She's been through some of the worst things in life so I think she only has good things to come. I hope she doesn't meet anyone significant in a bar.

Twenty-one

I turned 21 on Monday the 13th. The magic age in America. You actually get to purchase alcohol and no longer run the risk of getting an MIP and botching your entire teaching career. To me it only means my car insurance is going down and I can have a glass of wine with dinner. Alcohol is not worth all the hype and is definitely not worth the cost. Honestly, I really do not care that I'm finally 21. I don't think I like the fact that I don't care, but I'm sure Josh likes it that way.

Whoopdi Doo.

Flashback Weekend

Sitting in an ASU van on my way home from Dallas, I can't help but feel like ASU wasted a lot of money letting all of us go on this trip. It was a Resident Assistant Conference hosted at UT Dallas and it was like reliving my junior high StuCo days. We stayed at the Radisson, but it wasn't even a nice one as far as Radissons go.

At least everyone else in our group had the same sense of humor I did, and the same idea about the conference. We got stuck in traffic for a little while on I-20 so we all started thinking "Man, if we're stuck like this we're not going to make it there for role call..." This ideas looked better and better as we thought about it more, so our advisor (who happens to be the Assistant Director of Residence Life) said we wouldn't go to the role call and we'll just go to dinner after we check into the hotel. Thank God for that because if we had gone to the campus that night, it would've made my experience that much worse.

To sum up the entire conference, it was just a Mecca for over-enthusiastic, overly-friendly, annoyingly perky, excessively peppy people. It was like being surrounded by clones of that person in high school who was so excited about everything, involved in everything, and made it a mission to know everybody! You never wanted to hate that person, but you eventually did because you couldn't take it. It wasn't like there were only a few schools like that either, it was everyone! I really don't know how those people function as RA's, I mean, how do their residents not want to kill them? I honestly don't know what they are going to do when they get out of college. Can they really get assimilated into the "real world?" How are they going to function in society when they can't scream "Texas State rocks! GO CATS!" for anything.

Yo give some school some credit, UNT was not-annoyingly enthusiastic and UT Pan American RAs were pretty cool. I think the highlight of the weekend was the final banquet. We walked in together and found an empty table, which happened to be surrounded by the 70 UNT RA's that were there. Most of the other schools walked in either chanting or singing their fight song. UNT started singing their school song, followed by calling other schools out to do the "Shake your booty" song. Thank goodness we were among them because we got skipped the first time around. Travis kept saying we should go before they got back around to us, but we really couldn't just leave. I was confident that they would just forget about us and leave us alone because we were so small, but no, we did get it. The three boys who ate lech with us screamed "Hey San Angelo!" and 70 green wearing UNTers turned our way and made us do the "Shake your booty" song. It wasn't so bad, but still just wanted to leave. Travis happened to be in the bathroom at the time we were called out, so we informed some UNTers to call him out on his own at the end. After the ceremony was over, they did just that and it was awesome. We got it on a video phone, so we have it documented for blackmailing.

So after the banquet, Angelo State University retreated back to the hotel to watch football, Blazing Saddles, and took quiz es to see what super hero we were (I'm 89% Supergirl and 85% Super Man, with 79% Green Lantern, by the way.) It was nice just hanging out in the hotel room together. The door between the men's and women's room was open most of the time, with the exception of when we were changing or taking showers. The thing is, ASU RA's can still be cohesive group without being annoyingly enthusiastic about it. Stuart prides himself on hiring RA's than can function normally in society post higher education. I like my job and I like most of the people I work with. I can even sit in a van for 10 hours an not be annoyed with any of them. That's pretty darn good!

I am very glad this weekend is over now. On to another stressful week of school. Oh yeah, I turn 21 next week. Hmm... more about my feelings on that later. Or maybe not.

Candy Corn and Peanuts

Happy Halloween!

For some reason this year I'm really excited about today. I have no earthly idea why, I just really enjoyed the Halloween season this year. Probably because last year I was stuck with Jordan Milam in Dallas for the entire holiday weekend thus missing every get-together there was. I'm making up for two years of Halloween today.

I enjoyed Juston's party for the short time I was there. Some of the guys actually made pretty good looking women, it was crazy. I still don't know who was taking pictures with me, all I know is they would say "Flapper, get in the picture!" They all had masks on and didn't say my name, so I'm assuming I don't know them. It was strange seeing the diverse group of people that were friends with Juston now when just two years ago it was our friend of groups that went to all the parties together. I've got awesome pictures of us at V-Man's getting a little razzed before The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and even more of us rocking out in the Lighthouse parking lot.

Things are just different now. That's all there is to say. That and I really, really enjoy Halloween.

A Change of Weather

A great apathy has taken over me. I have no desire to do anyhitng at all today. How odd to have this day just after my abitious description of yesterday. Oh dear...

Cheifs and Indians

After my previous post I realized that I feel like I'm always a step behind people. I push and push myself mainly because I think I'm trying to play catch-up. I doubt I can get my addicive work ethic to change. I'll always be the one volunteering to do something, thinking that I'm not pulling my weight, but then taking too much on and stressing myself out completely. A prime example of this is my work as an RA. I took on being chairperson of this committee that was responsible for a huge department function and I stressed for two weeks about it. Yeah, I got it done and it went smoothly, but I worry about the impact it had on my life in other areas. I hardly see my friends anymore because of my classes, but adding this there was no time for even a casual "hello." When it was over I suppose the end justified the means because I got complements from the directors and the other RA's saw that I'm reliable. Plus, the feeling when you accomplish something you have worked very hard on is pretty nice. Though, I've got to draw the line somewhere. I have to be the person who sits back as is told what to do. Ugh, that is difficult for me. It is not in my genetic make-up to sit back and cruise. I know that being a good leader is knowing when to lead and when to follow, but that is SO hard to do when really the leader is incompetent. How "Stuwey" of me. I suppose I'll work on it.

Knots and Bells

I guess I've hit that time in life where I get to see people actually starting their lives. My older friends are graduating from college and starting their careers and my same age friends are getting engaged, married, and even having kids. At the Baptist Student Ministry, there are about 4 girls in my class (as in Class of 2008) who aren't engaged, myself included. It's pretty odd to observe. It seems like every Sunday there's a new couple being anounced by Lakan and they're all people I know pretty well. They aren't the older ones anymore, they're my people. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm by no means jealous of these people. My time will come eventually and I'll be pleased when it does, but it is odd seeing all the people around me starting something so huge.

An Explanation of 20

1. SXSW for the 3rd time - Austin, TX 2006. I had a terrible time.
2. write a letter to our Congressman or Representative - I've written two: one about net neutrality (FOR IT!) and one requesting information about the P.A.T.R.I.O.T Act (Bullshit!)
3. buy a really cool pair of shoes - Sexy and black.
4. watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy - Yeppers.
9. floss - I've been doing really good on this one.
10. repair bike and save gas - One of the most recent accomplishments. I even rode it 6 miles from my house to the dorms and have been riding it to class. I'm now one of THOSE people.
11. clean my car inside and out - Considering I got a new car, big checkmark.
19. buy antique jewelery - Chicken Farm
20. play a lot of animal crossing
24. complete all essays for Ellery's class on time
26. play tennis again - I'm even enrllolled in a Tennis class now!
29. catch a bouquet at a wedding - My single most suprising accomplishment. I caught it at my best friend's wedding... doesn't mean I'm getting married anytime soon though.
31. go to church, but think for myself
35. keep practicing my flute - Playing in church programs too.
36. practice my ballet - I've incorporated a lot of this in the flag routines I've made up for the high school.
37. don't over-involve myself - I'm only in 2 organizations now, and I'm not president of either one! Suprising.
38. make some great coffee - finally!
39. don't get drunk, just razzed - I haven't been drunk since sometime last fall.
40. don't talk with mouth full - Maybe I have done this...
43. be nice to spoiled rotten sister - This is SO difficult, but I've held out for the most part.

I'll analyze the rest as they come. This is more for my own benefit than for you to read, so I apologize for boring you.

Making My Meager Differences

Living in the middle of West Texas, it is sometimes difficult to be as eco-friendly as I want to be. I guess I'll have to be happy winning small battles and hope someone will follow my petty example. For istance, the past few weeks when I've gone shopping at HEB (not Wal Mart*), I've gotten a lot of strange looks because I bring my huge Budda Bag to carry my groceries out instead of a myriad of wasteful plastic bags. I don't care about the looks and so what if I save 5 bags, in 10 trips to the store I'll have saved 50 bags!

*I went the majority of last year without one purchase at Wal Mart, but I fell into that deceptive "save 5 cents" trap when I was mvoing myself back into the dorms. It's really all a bunch of bull sh*t because every company has its major flaws. I guess I'm more disgusted with Wal Mart than any other corporation, so the Elizabeth Wal Mart ban is back in business.

When it comes to gas I'm kind of in a bind:

"Between its public denial of global warming and steadfast efforts to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling, Exxon made itself the target of concerned citizens internationally as campaigns to change the company's behavior gained steam. Exxon boasts a commitment to preserving biodiversity while simultaneously fighting policies designed to cut greenhouse-gas emissions."

"BP has a legacy of questionable ethics, toxic emissions and disregard for ecologically sensitive areas when it comes to oil and gas exploration. Most recently, BP is head of a coalition of oil and gas companies building the Baku-Tblisi-Ceyhan pipeline across Azerbaijan, Georgia and Turkey. The project has resulted in the widespread dislocation of residents without proper, and in some cases any, compensation."

"Chevron, formerly ChevronTexaco, has been directly and indirectly responsible for human rights violations in the Niger Delta, plus toxic dumping in several US states and in the Amazon rainforest. From 1972 to 1990 in Ecuador alone, Texaco Corp. was responsible for dumping 18.5 billion gallons of contaminated wastewater into rivers and open pits in the Amazon jungle, causing skin problems, miscarriages, and other ailments in local communities."

"Shell's most high-profile misdeed was its encouragement to use lethal force against environmental activists in Nigeria's Ogoni region. Ken Saro-Wiwa and eight other Ogoni leaders fighting to oust Shell from Ogoniland were detained by the Nigerian government and executed. Families of the deceased are still seeking justice. Aside fom the obvious environmental risks posed by fossil fuels, Shell continues to engage in the environmentally destructive practices of gas flaring, which exposes Nigerians to dangerous levels of air toxins. Shell has made a $1 billion investment in renewable energy resources and recently announced plans to sequester carbon at a gas-fired power plant in Norway. However, Shell's record should concern consumers and investors alike."

"Amerada Hess is working with BP to build the Baku-Tblisi-Ceyhan oil pipeline through eastern and central Europe. This pipeline passes through or nearby seven conflict areas, necessitating a militarized zone that will span 1,000 miles. In the past, Amerada Hess has colluded with other oil companies to hide information about the dangers of MTBE contaminating municipal water supplies."

"Sunoco was one of several companies implicated for using MTBE, a potential carcinogen, for making gas burn cleaner. The chemical eventually contaminated some water supplies. Sunoco is a supporter of the Global Sullivan Principles for economic, social and political justice and has committed to compliance with the Sustainability Reporting Guidelines. While these initiatives are certainly in the right direction, Sunoco's very nature as an oil and gas company makes it a climate change liability."

Sources: Coop America

Checkmarks

At the beginning of the year I made a list of 100 things to accomplish in 2006. My progress has been better than I thought. Some things I accomplished this year so far I forgot were on the list! Here is my progress in the 3/4 of a year mark.

I'll have to analyze and explain these later.

1. SXSW for the 3rd time
2. write a letter to our Congressman or Representative
3. buy a really cool pair of shoes
4. watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy
9. floss
10. repair bike and save gas
11. clean my car inside and out
19. buy antique jewelery
20. play a lot of animal crossing
24. complete all essays for Ellery's class on time
26. play tennis again
29. catch a bouquet at a wedding
31. go to church, but think for myself
35. keep practicing my flute
36. practice my ballet
37. don't over-involve myself
38. make some great coffee
39. don't get drunk, just razzed
40. don't talk with mouth full
43. be nice to spoiled rotten sister
44. make up kick ass flag routines for Grape Creek HS
47. bake cakes and cookies for friends
49. buy a new Victoria's Secret bra
50. go to an art show51. go to the symphony
52. live with Josh for the summer
53. be grateful to my dad
54. thank God for life every day
55. plant some trees, kill some misquites
64. be in my best friends' wedding
65. be happy for said friend getting married
66. pop someones Amelie cherry
68. visit sister in San Antonio
69. don't have sex
71. discover and love a new band all on my own
72. stand up strait
76. be supportive of Matty
77. buy a cool new poster
78. don't eat out very much (or at least don't PAY for it)
80. be more positive about school
81. figure out what job i can see myself doing the rest of my life
82. be there for someone
84. watch all of the olympics i can
85. keep dorm room clean
89. dig deeper into my italian heritage
90. read a graphic novel
91. eat my fruits and veggies
93. go to the library, it's there for a reason
94. order something besides a cinnamon latte at starbucks

I think I've done a pretty good job. Yay me!

Life after...

While walking to class the other day I caught myself doing Thinh's favotite activity: reminicing. Not really thinking about fun things I used to do with my friends, but more of how I felt a few years ago.

While I was in the middle of my senior year in high school I hit this point where I felt pretty unsure about things. With the mxture of my parents incessant pecking and my lack of confidence in the future, I slipped into a rather depressive state. A lot of this was in sync with the sudden death of one of our fellow classmates. I remember sitting in the ASU computer lab thinking to myself "If I were to die, would it really matter to people?" My mother would say I was lazy, selfish, and self centered who never saw the opportunity in Sitel. Honestly, I think I was a little cold in high school, or rather my senior year. I was so fed up with the high school scene that all I did was go to class, do my work, and take off. I would say I was pretty bitchy andI hate to admit that.

Boy, things have changed a lot. Moving into the dorms is one of the best things to ever happen to me. It changed my life completely. The interaction I have with so meany people I've really learned to cherish. My job is to make friends with th people on my floor and be there for them if they ever need anything. My compassion really revealed itself in this vocation. I'm always afraid I'm going to give bad advice or not get as involved as I should or something. I would never have seen myself in this position 3 years ago. Of course, I always wanted to be an RA but due to technicalities I never thought it possible. God opened every window, door, and gate to get me where I am today so I hardly faced a fork in the road.

So now I'm here hoping I doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing by Him and making a million mistakes in the process. It feels right for now. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life (sans Summer 2003) and I have a confidence that keeps me truckin'. Essentially, I don't think people will look at me now and think "bitchy" and maybe my mom won't see "selfish" anymore. IF I were to die I now I feel I would be remebered well. A 20 year old probably shouldn't have such morbid thoughts but the Lord will take me when He wishes. So I think more importantly my job for now is to be really appreciative of everything that has happened to me give credit where credit is due. My job is not to rush through life being bitchy. How deep.

Something Called School Started

First day of class for the Fall 2006 semester. It's rainy, cold, dark, and absolutely perfect. This is exactly the weather I'd love to wake up to almost every morning. I still hope Josh will get a job somwhere on the northwest coast, Seattle or Portland, so it will be like this all the time.

Argument and Debate is going to be time consuming, but beneficial because it will teach me how to argue. I need all the help I can get in that department. Critical thinking and logic is something I need to sharpen up on. Most of the students in that class are Comm majors and I am familiar with them. Comm people I can deal with, they're more on the side I would consider "normal" socially.

As for my English classes, not so normal. Literary Analysis shouldn't be too difficult, but the class is full of English majors whom I consider quite strange and almost annoying. In high school, all my English classes were full of "unique" people, but no one too strange. It seems at the college level they are just plain wacky. Most who I come in contact with severely lack social skills and don't make up for it in any other area. As you get into higher level English classes, they get a little confidence and turn into pretentious socially inept stiffs. A prime example is my Film Analysis class. I can pick out the pretentious ones, the ones who don't know a wide angle from a triangle, and the silent but deadly on paper ones. Lorne and I fall into the latter category. Ugh, English majors are almost as bad as Comp Sci majors. I don't like the people in there yet... but it's only the first day.

July, July, July

It Never Seemed So Strange


For some reason this year has been a year of forgetting to post. Unfortunately, I skipped February and now July. I've had this thing for a little over 3 years and it has evolved immensly. style has changed in my posts but I still refuse to get a new blog. I'll just continue to revamp and recreate it. When I'm 40 I'll laugh at my all the ridiculous things I said about Josh when we first started dating. I laugh now at all that mushy gushy crap. Ew.