shout out to hypocrisy

Sometimes I find myself saying things in a manner that others take me too seriously on when I only meant it to be a joke. Then I wonder "Why are they mad? I wasn't serious."

Then it hits me. Hard. This is what happens to Josh all the time. I used to always get mad at him for saying things sarcastically but he meant no harm in saying. There are a million misinterpretations and misunderstandings on my part that have sparked big battles between us. I can think of about 5 examples (ok, more than 5) right off the bat. One example is this. Would I get mad if he said that about me? Probably a year or two ago. Not anymore, I think I've grown.

But that makes me think more. I can also think of at least 5 (ok, more than 5) times when I was really, really hurt by some of his actions. Like "Why the hell are you doing that to me" type stuff. Most offenses happened during that last month of high school for me and others sparatically throughout the years and I realize I am not over that stuff. I have scars and I'm bitter. So stubborn me doesn't want to let all the mean, sarcastic things slide. Stubborn me wants answers. Is that why something like that could have happened? Maybe. Probably. I don't know.

If we weren't dating I probably would laugh at most of the things he says like I did back then. Since we are dating (kind of) I find myself getting offended. Is that some kind of after affect of getting committed to someone? Is it really fair to expect them all of this sudden to change their personality for you? Answer: Nope. But we do expect that. I just want a compromise. I don't think I would get as offended if there was something behind it to affirm me. Such as, "here is something mean but I love you anyway." Instead it is just "here is something mean..." It is rather cold, empty and completely devoid of some amount of compassion. Is it fair to ask for compassion? Answer: you shouldn't have to ask.

What I do know is that I hate myself for letting my actions fall into the stereotypical female behavior patterns. Getting mad at meaningless remarks and starting ridiculous fights is what I've been doing. Can I escape that? Probably not, but at least I'm aware I do it. Maybe I can spot it easier now.