end of sucktober... finally

I just got back from a 2.5 mile run. It is 1:30 in the morning. I really had to run.

In the roller coaster that I went on last month I was really hoping this month there would be a grand change. The morning after Halloween I woke up pretty rejuvenated and kind of "okay, things are good." I taught my classes at Central, got things done for work, paid my Alpha Chi dues, and spent 9 hours at our big event dancing with everyone (and dislocating my thumb) and then things felt peachy. If there is anything I've learned this year it's feelings are so very deceiving! When I got back in my room I checked my email, phone, everything that I had missed that day and then I felt sick. I took a shower hoping to cleanse myself and calm myself down, but it just got worse from there. I remember getting out of the shower, fumbling for a towel and slowly stepping towards my room. Then the breathing quickened, the hearing went completely, and vision started to blacken. Then I thought, "Oh crap" and wack! Floored. I awoke hours later and crawled, crying and nausious into my bed.

It was one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had. When I woke up I didn't know where I was, why I my hair was wet, why I had no clothes on... it was seriously traumatic. I felt such solitude. Even after I woke up the next morning, I felt intrepid and determined not to falter from my vow that this month will be different. I did end up going through the day decently, not even shedding a tear which a a huge step. However, today...er, yesterday, was a different story. Today was completely wasted. I ate breakfast, struggling with everything imaginable due to my thumb, and turned on the football game. I tried to write a little, but found it too painful which made me angry because that is usually my outlet, and the anger lead me to thinking about my situation and then it was all over. Today was wasted. I had another panic attack and spent hours trying to regain normal breathing without subsequent sobs.

Anne and Mike got me to the football game at halftime, but it took a massive amount of force. I am so at a loss for what to do. Prayer helps me regain composure, but only for seconds. How long will this go on? Enough already! I know, I know, I know, I KNOW what happened. Now I'm tortured for it and the punishment is so severe. Punished or forced lessons or somthing. I obviously haven't learned enough yet. I guess I'll know when I can think about the future and not want to get in the fetal position and stay there forever.

I had to run.

Girl, I know the hall looks dark
& the storm it seems so scary
Your face lit up on beats of lightning
you start, you start running
& your eyes are like screaming
& since there is no end and no beginning
You will run
You will run
You will run

Girl, I know the woods look dark
& the trees they seem so deadly
The girls around you are so frightened
& you start, you start to panic
and your courage starts to vanish
& the world, it really is on fire

& it burns
& it burns
& it burns

incapable of breathing

Okay, so it's as they say: pain so bad it's blinding.

I'm trying. I'm reading. I'm forbidding myself the comfort of my couch or warmth of my bed, but I think it's for the wrong reasons. I'm really just running from it. I can't even think about life a month from now, a week, a day... I'm living minute to minute.

I'm looking for a purpose in all this and I can't find one. Then I force myself to pray.

step one: back to basics

Make God the focus and the only relationship for now.

Check.

cool things for today

Today I woke up at 8 am, fully rested and fully awake. I figured out how I'm going to go about getting things straight in my life. For the past week I've been less than myself. I scared my family so much I had Anne, Elisa and my mother all show up at my apartment at the same time without meaning to just to check on me. Things will get better, I have to keep saying that. So to feel better I have to look for positive things. Here's what I noticed today:

• They used Andrew Bird's "Imitosis" on a Marriot commercial during the Purdue Game

• Legal Pads are the best way to study

• I got to sing "Fight On State" and "Hail, Purdue" today because they both won

• My Grape Creek girls won Best Auxillary for 3A at UIL today.

Things will get better.

past in present

You know when you reach that point where you look back at your previous writings and actions and are disgusted by what you see? It's like being a senior in high school and looking back on your sophomore year and thinking "Was I really that naive? Did I actually do that?" Or it is looking back on how you handled a situation and you don't even recognize yourself. The same questions apply.

For me, this happens more than it should. If I were to compile a list of songs that apply to the last three months, they would hit every extreme emotion in the human psyche: elation, depression, joy, remorse, self-doubt, self-assurance, hopelessness, regret, determination... I could go on and on. What it all boils down to is I am a very confused young woman and I need to get a hold of myself before I lose more than I already have.

BIG Lessons I've learned:

• People give advice and warning for a reason. When people who care about you see a choice you are making and say "Hey, maybe you should think about that," I should definitely listen. My family and Josh were on the same page. Usually I barrel ahead full force, determined that I will succeed and if I don't , well, then I'll deal with that later. You learn by experience, right? Yeah, you learn... but it hurts so much worse.

• Instincts are a defense mechanism divinely inspired. When something doesn't seem right about a certain situation it is because it is not right. Wait a second, that red light is flashing for a reason? Yep! It means, don't go there. God has your best interests in mind and you could avoid a lot of turmoil if you will just listen. Signs are everywhere.

• Signs are problematic. Something you may think means this may just be a challenge that means something completely different. Know and follow hard after Him. Pray about decisions before they are made.

Things I'm learning:

Learning to trust my instincts has been such a challenge. Yeah, I see a warning sign but I turn my head and keep diving. It very closely resembles extreme self-destruction. I'll get into the "self" stuff later. I'm learning to be bold and say what I mean without circumventing the purpose. Ha, yet there are limits there. There is a time to say things and a time to withhold information, but I'm still figuring out when that ideal time is. My biggest fear is running out of time... being too late.

I've realized that selfish is one word to describe my behavior this year. This year! How sad is that? Self-centered, self-interested, self-obsessed, self-serving, inconsiderate, thoughtless. Everything a Christian is not and everything separating us from God. On the bright side, I recognize that and I can change it. It doesn't define me from this point on.

I'm learning why I'm in this job. I have so many people at my finger tips that I can affect in such a positive way, but I've spent so much time locked in my room wallowing in self-doubt. College freshmen are such sponges and everything influences them. There is a lot of good that can be done here, I just need to be open to the possibilities.

Of course there are myriads of lessons learned everyday and there are so many more things I'm going through (like knowing everything I say falls on deaf ears) and so much more to learn. Everything everyone's said to me was right, however, there is hope for me. I am redeemable. Being a human, I am flawed but not forsaken. I know I can trust God, love biblically, therefore inherently be content. Happiness is not a life aspiration, but a fleeting emotion that helps you appreciate blessings. Challenges are inevitable, changes are necessary, seeking is a waste of energy. Moving forward is my only option, but I need to go backwards a bit to move forward.

Solitude will benefit me greatly but I'm suiting up for a fight.

Age 21-10=

Cheers to learning lessons!

Or at least recognizing what my life lessons are...

New Everything

Everything is different. Today did not feel like a school day or at least what I think the first day of school should feel like. It is just weird.

First of all, Annie came to my room this morning, had breakfast, sang some songs, and I walked her to her first class. THAT has never happened before and it was totally dorky cute. I love that she and I are finally at the same school.

Second, I had someone to meet after class. Taylor made sure I knew where he was having lunch and made sure to greet me. That has never happened before, either. Not for anything but lack of opportunity for it to happen.

Third, I am scared of my literature classes. Very scared. I have never been this intimidated before. Then again, there is a little voice inside me screaming "You can do this!" I'm staring to listen to the muffled scream.

Everything is so different.

bittersweet indeed

I don't even know what to write here anymore. I feel compromised. I'm trying to hide everything and not let perception be reality, but no one believes me.

I don't even feel safe in the one place I go to get away from the world, either. I fear going to my own church because of the current situation. Perception is reality. I hate human nature in that way. I believe everything happens for a reason... it's all in His timing. Why are humans so judgemental?

Three summers ago I started this blog full of hope and a fantasy. My passion as a 17 year-old has become less idealistic. I've grown. People grow. They leave behind what they need to to move on. Where would I be if I had not let my brother go? My Dad? Now Josh?

Renewal is refreshing. NEW is refreshing. Pursuits are refreshing. Sadness is inevitable, but love heals all wounds past, present, future.

Changes

Create in me a new heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Ps 51:10-12

the heart of a love child

I've gotten a little itch lately to just get up and GO! Living in San Angelo, Texas, I am quite sick of there just being movies, coffee and ice cream to entertain the entirety of the young population. I want to bike, canoe, hike, swim in freshwater, climb trees, camp, dance (as in salsa, cha-cha, ballroom, the real stuff), and when the day is over I want to eat at an organic coffee shop that puts humus on sandwiches. I have really gotten so far from my roots that I have found myself thinking mesquite trees are kind of pretty. I know all God's creations are beautiful, but I seriously think only the Devil himself would put giant spikes on trees that cause blood poisoning when they puncture skin.

Okay, so that's getting away from the point. The point is I grew up an entirely different person than what I thought I would. From birth to 10 I ate mainly organic and practically lived outdoors. I was raised a bonified granola child, along with all of my other siblings. My family used to hike like nobody's business; I hiked 6000 feet up Mt. Shasta when I was 9 years old and I've peeked multiple other mountains in CA before the age of 10. I miss the whole wheat apple croissants and having easy access to Blue Sky Cherry Vanilla Cream soda whenever I want. I see pictures of my hippie mother when she was my age wearing bell bottoms and a belt that reads "Save the Children" and my dad always talks about the Summer of Love and smoking joints with Janis Joplin and The Grateful Dead. Where is my defining generation moment!

I think what I miss most about CA is the progressive conservationist attitude. The majority of Texans just don't have the mind set that will sustain the planet. I get so mad when I see one person driving around in a huge suburban or some jackass in a lifted F150 swerving through traffic like it's a road race. HELLO?! India and China are competing heavily for oil now, gas will never be under $2 anymore and it's running out and you're waisting it to look like a fashionable Texan? Screw that.

I'm just trying to keep in touch with that love child I once was, so I think I'm going to focus on that for this summer. My boyfriend thinks I'm an idiot for being that way... I've already strayed too far from who I think I should be which means I don't know myself very well. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted but since my birthday, those rose colored glasses I viewed the world through came off and I'm left feeling like an angsty teenager. Haha, the cycles we go through. I know everyone does this too.


I think very few people really understand how much I miss this stuff.

blessings be

I have had some of the most roller coaster-esque few weeks of my college career lately. The things that are good are absolutely great! The things that are bad are pretty important and bad, but you don't want to hear about that now, do you? Either way I've found myself conversing with God whenever I am alone and He grants me some peace.

By some miracle (and surely one professor's mercy) I actually got a 4.0 this semester. I'm shocked at myself actually. That's two 4.0's this year! How did I do that and maintain sanity?

Dead week was probably the best week of the entire year. Here are some hints: little HW, I got published in the Oasis (I made the front cover!), bargain shopping, Spider-Man 1&2 in Texan theater, Spider-Man 3 midnight premiere, final class with Mrs. Tharp, BSM Banquet and Foot Function, cooking meals for friends. See what I mean by blessings?

Finals week has been more of the downer, though I did get awarded a scholarship from the Communications department and I did well on the the rest of my finals. It also rained for like 4 days straight, which was awesome. The major bummer is check-outs make me want to kill myself and good friends are gone now. But it's time to get serious. School is over and it's time to start a new chapter for this summer.

I'm a senior now and it's time to start making some decisions about what I want the rest of my life to be like. I've been thinking a lot about that, but I'll go into it some other time. I'm just glad summer is here and I'm making plans.

finals and thoughts

Finals are this week and I feel less than prepared. I pretty much KNOW I'm going to get a B this semester and I'm kind of ticked at myself. My hopes of graduating suma cum laude are kind of out the window, but I'm still in it for magna cum laude if I don't screw up next semester and get a B in anything.

I'm having mixed feelings about this summer. Usually I travel in the summers as to not think about the sucky things involving home life, but this summer I'm not going anywhere for any extended period of time. In fact, I'll be working ALL summer. Glorious.

There are a few perks! My Daddy from SF will be here for 2 weeks for my sister's graduation, Ryan and Bryce might be here for that too, Kevin is sticking around, Josh may be here (though he doesn't want to be), and Kev and I might be making a very necessary trip to Lubbock to wish Tyler off to Africa. I'm so jealous of that man, what a trip!

Bah, mixed feelings about everything. Nothing a little frisbee can't cure!

family events

I went to a wedding today. It was at the Cactus Hotel and it was lovely... and painful. It was only painful due to the fact that I was the third wheel (this is getting increasingly more common and more uncomfortable) and I had to listen to the other two wheels make comments on what they want for their wedding. Ugh, it was disgusting and aggravating, but my hostile feelings aren't really their fault. Honestly, my little sister and her boyfriend shouldn't be planning their own wedding yet and I shouldn't be angry or aggravated with them.

I'm not really angry at anyone, actually. I'm just angry, period. I hate feeling marginalized. I should be used to it by now since I am quite the blacksheep of the Deming-Combs family, but it is very weathering.

In other, yet related news:

I'm reading a fantastic book right now. It's called The Time Traveler's Wife and it is magnificent. It totally challenges the idea of the space/time continuum in the most creative way. One of the things I'm looking forward to most about this summer is spending summer nights reading in my new apartment or on a towel by the lake. Though if things go how I want them to, I wont be alone (I fear I'm being selfish in that regard, but what's a desperate girl to do?).

The thing is, I have some striking similarities to Clare, the protagonist. She is constantly grasping for more time with her love, but she has no control over the time or length of their visits together. She just keeps waiting for their life to start, but it is totally out of her hands. Meanwhile, Gomez, a mutual friend of the couple, is desperately in love with Clare is and trying get her to give up on the unpredictable and go for the steady. As of page 265 of 532, Clare is holding out for her Henry but is getting angry and doesn't have anything to blame her anger on. Huh.

Of course, my terrible description of the national best seller and upper 50 amazon ranked novel makes it sound like a sappy Daniel Steele idea instead of a masterpiece of modern fiction. It's a good book, believe me. Ugh, again I feel guilt and selfish but what else am I to do? Seriously! I don't know what to do! Jeez.

can't let go to let God

This semester has been deceptively good, with the exception of my Education 4321 class (horrible prof). I did hate that eight week Comm class, but I got an "A" so I'm OK with that. I think the greatest thing was having no classes on Friday and late classes every other day. I don't know if any college kid has ever muddled through 15 hours with a schedule as great as mine. Blessed am I.

The scary thing is I only have one semester of classes left. One. Then Student Teaching.

Again, it's a pretty fantastic schedule:

MWF
9AM - Eng
10AM - Eng
11AM - Comm
12AM - Edu

Nothing on T/R. Amazing? Very. What I have to prepare for now is my GRE which is the dreaded standardized test that determines Grad School scholarships. I don't know when I'm going to Grad School either. I actually don't have a clue what I'm doing after graduation. It's like I have a set plan that gets me to May 2008, but after that I hit a huge cliff. I can see the other side, but not clearly enough to make out any recognizable thing. I hate that. I'm a planner and I'm not spontaneous. I need to have a plan A, B, and C so I can prepare for what life throws at me. After 5/08 I don't have anything. It's a horrible feeling because I don't feel like I have any control and it goes against my wiring.

My entire life I've had to prepare myslef for serious blows.

"Hey Elizabeth, we're moving to Texas in two weeks. Dad's not coming."
"Ryan's moving out in a month."
"Krista's pregnant."
"This is Steve. We met last month. We're getting married."
"If you want to stay here you have to pay rent."
"Ryan's moving to Texas."
"Ryan's not moving to Texas."
ETCETERA!

I'm a child who has had to cope with a lot so part of my coping wiring is fighting for control of my own life. It's hard for me to let go and let things happen. My flaw is I feel I have to make things happen, but that does not work all the time. Like my future after college... I know where I want to be but it is not in my hands. I can't go on like that forever though. There has got to be a stopping point.

my sister rules

Yeah, my sister can rock sometimes. Go Anne Rose.

a good fight

What you need to know to assess the situation: I am currently a Communications major, English minor seeking Teacher Certification. I have a 4.0 in all English courses challenged and am aspiring to actually teach English at some point. Also, the English dpartment head is the devil incarnate.

The situation:I hit a brick wall today and I'm seething with anger right now. There is a certain class, ENG 4320 The Discipline of English, that I have to have departmental permission to get into if I'm not an English major. The class is mainly English pedagogy that I am very interested in, but the departmnet head won't let me in. She says I'm not a major and don't have the experience to take the class. On the contrary I am taking heavy loads of Englsih and I have a freakin 4.0! Who is she to tell me that I'm not experienced enough! (Well, the department head for starters.)

My fight is arguing why a student with a strong academic background can be refused a certain course he/she is interested in when the course will definately benefit the student in his/her educational career. It's just one class. I'm more than qualified for it (minus the major thing) and I know I would do very well.

The annoying thing is I really see her side of the argument too and it really IS the University's decision. But seriously, must you really deny a student's educational success? No. I'm considering appealing to the Dean. Maybe the Pres.

My ego is really showing through here. I pay enough money to this intitution that I think I should get my way. I like getting my way, dammit.

Leaving Indianapolis (Arriving San Angelo)

Nine days spent in West Lafayette. I consumed more bagels this week than I let myself eat all of last year. It hurts to even think about my trip, much less talk about it.

Leaving people at airport security is one of the worst feelings in the world. After that last good-bye you have to strip down nearly to your skivies and rush through cold metal and scanners. As if I don’t feel cold, exposed, and naked after leaving him anyway. Being stripped of him nearly knocks the wind out of me, but I’m used to the vertigo. I’ve been through this torture so many times before; it is a well-rehearsed part.

So I get through the probing station and fumble with the contents I’ve had to expose to pass the test. When the exhilaration of that is over emotion washes over me and I get that all-too-familiar punch in the stomach: he’s gone and it will be months before you even touch him again.

I hate it and I'm not wiling to hurt like this for very much longer. I can't. Couples aren't meant to be apart this long. We've been apart the whole time and enough is enough.

new love

I think I'm in love. He is 84 and one of America's most famous cynics: Kurt Vonnegut. He is still at it and is as sardonic as ever. The adorable, German-American, Indiana native, chain smoker has, like Einstein and Twain, given up on America in his later years. My mother fell in love with him also at my age. Though, hers was the time of Cats Cradle and mine is the time of A Man Without A Country.

I found the book by chance in the library at ASU, which has a horrible selection of books, by the way. Somehow paying fines on books I used for a project last semester helped me stumble upon the best piece of modern literature I've read in quite some time. This book has changed my perspective on things and brought me one step closer to being a cynic myself.

The book is on my lap as I fly somewhere over the cold Midwest. It is one chapter away from completion because I can't bear the thought of it ending. I want to see more of the world through this misanthrope's eyes. I laugh my way through it, wishing I could do something about the world. It is so sad where things are heading. I knew things would change, that is inevitable, but I never guessed how bad it would really be. The thing is it's only going to get worse and I worry for my immanent grandchildren, but is anybody else worrying? It doesn't seem like it.

People are so preoccupied with the stupidest stuff, myself included. We piddle around living our lives like members of Alcoholic Awareness, day by day. I really think we have our priorities screwed up. But free thinkers aren't welcome in Washington DC and everyone thinks the next president will fix it (Vonnegut). Haha.

You want something to really laugh at? Credit Cards, Cars, College Tuition, and democracy. Hysterical!

The rate things are going I think my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will see the unfolding of the clouds and the sound of the trumpets. I hope so, because when the oil runs out I'll not want them to see what the people are going to do to themselves and each other.

I loved that book. You should look into it.

put us back together right

this will blow over in time
this will all blow over in time

still things could be much worse