can't let go to let God

This semester has been deceptively good, with the exception of my Education 4321 class (horrible prof). I did hate that eight week Comm class, but I got an "A" so I'm OK with that. I think the greatest thing was having no classes on Friday and late classes every other day. I don't know if any college kid has ever muddled through 15 hours with a schedule as great as mine. Blessed am I.

The scary thing is I only have one semester of classes left. One. Then Student Teaching.

Again, it's a pretty fantastic schedule:

MWF
9AM - Eng
10AM - Eng
11AM - Comm
12AM - Edu

Nothing on T/R. Amazing? Very. What I have to prepare for now is my GRE which is the dreaded standardized test that determines Grad School scholarships. I don't know when I'm going to Grad School either. I actually don't have a clue what I'm doing after graduation. It's like I have a set plan that gets me to May 2008, but after that I hit a huge cliff. I can see the other side, but not clearly enough to make out any recognizable thing. I hate that. I'm a planner and I'm not spontaneous. I need to have a plan A, B, and C so I can prepare for what life throws at me. After 5/08 I don't have anything. It's a horrible feeling because I don't feel like I have any control and it goes against my wiring.

My entire life I've had to prepare myslef for serious blows.

"Hey Elizabeth, we're moving to Texas in two weeks. Dad's not coming."
"Ryan's moving out in a month."
"Krista's pregnant."
"This is Steve. We met last month. We're getting married."
"If you want to stay here you have to pay rent."
"Ryan's moving to Texas."
"Ryan's not moving to Texas."
ETCETERA!

I'm a child who has had to cope with a lot so part of my coping wiring is fighting for control of my own life. It's hard for me to let go and let things happen. My flaw is I feel I have to make things happen, but that does not work all the time. Like my future after college... I know where I want to be but it is not in my hands. I can't go on like that forever though. There has got to be a stopping point.