I was forced to stay home from school today by my mother. You see, last night I fell asleep on my government book becasue I was studying and I didn't take my contacts out before that. (I didn't mean to fall asleep) The last thing I remember was putting my head down for a second, but I didn't wake up tll 5:30. Unfortuantey, my eyes are very sensitive (because they're fake) and I guess something got under my left contact or something but eaither way I got an eye infection. I woke up and it was all red and watering like crazy and was incredibly sensitive to light and INCREDIBLY painful. So obviously I couldn't put my contacts back in for school and my glasses are somewhere at Ashlin's house so I'm screwed. (Yeah, Ashlin, I really need to find those becasue if we don't find them by Monday, my mom is making ME pay for new one's and the money will have to come out of my Josh fund) I wanted to go to school, I did. I was ready for my Physics test and Governemnt test, but I was just in so much pain, and my eye looked awful. So here I am at home when I WANT to be at school. My eye feels a lot better now and it's not so red so hopefuly I can still go to the party tonight. It's the second week of school and I've already had two sicknesses that needed antibiotics. Let's hear it for weak immune systems and not taking care of yourself.

Well, this day's sucked so far. The flag girls are having some major PMS problems and it's ticking me of. Is it National Be a B**** day and Ashlin and I missed out? I just set myself up for something there... oh well. Then I got a terrible grade on two of my Physics papers, so bad that I can't even type it on here I'm so ashamed. Mr. Meticulous-Kahlig has to be anal about every little detail. Josh did warn me, I just didn't take him as seriously as I obviously should have. So that's how it's gonna be? All right, bring it on "you're nothing" man! I guess a good point of the day was English, I really love that class even though Joe and I really REALLY miss Justin. I was the only kid in Mrs. McKinney's 4th and 5th period class that got 100 on my vocab test. On a day like this, it's ok to brag a little. Later today is just going to get worse, Band practice for 2 hours. I'm heading up to the Lighthouse around 9:30, so you guys stick around there for a little while, ok?

I got to my house at 3:50 a.m. this morning all becase of Kookie. Well, it wasn't only his fault, but the situation was just very interesting. It was so frustrating it was funny, all you could do was laugh at it. This was all SO Kookie. We all met at the Lighthouse yesterday around 10 and got all loaded up in Thinh's car. Five minutes later we see Kookie come from around the corner kicking a soccer ball, backpack on his back, carrying a bag which contained peanut butter cookies and peanut butter. Oh yeah, and a bottle of juice, the bottle came in very handy for Daniel later on in the trip. I don't know why he brought this stuff, that's just Kookie for you. We finally left and headed for Rock the Desert. Twenty miles before we got into Midland, we all realized that we don't know where the darn park was. (well I knew, but I had left the directions at home) We end up calling good ol' Josh to help us out, of course he thinks we're idiots but he gets us the directions AND the weather report. Which I must point out said it was only a mere 30% chance of thunderstorms! We do some stuff around Midland, mainly contemplated being criminals. We get to Rock the Desert at 2:30ish and the first thing Kookie does is splits! Daniel, Thinh, and I go around running into Andrewsians and the infamous Cody. We also got to catch the warm up of Crimson Soul, the awesome fan loving band. Thinh and Daniel run around their whole show screaming "Play some Phil Collins!" at the top of their lungs. The Bass player seemed to be the only one who thought it was the least bit humerous. So Cody, Thinh, Daniel, Kelleigh, and myself hang out all day looking for Kookie most of the time. Finally the only show I really wanted to see was on and we found Kookie! Switchfoot played two really awesome songs and Kookie decided to get some water. As soon as Kookie left, a huge gust of wind came through and they started taking down the stage... right when Switchfoot was really getting good! Apparently a storm was coming through, so we waited around for Kookie. He never came. The rain started coming down parallel to the ground and hit us like needles because of the wind. We took shelter underneath a tarp-tent thing and pretty much got saoking wet. The only good thing was they were handing out free pizza, good pizza too. So there we were, Daniel, Thinh, and I huddled together under a tarp getting soaked and eating soggy pizza unanimously agreeing that this was one of the worst moments of our lives. We finally ran back to Thinh's car and got even more wet. From there we started our 3 hour pointless search for Kookie, even though he had already gotten a ride home because he thought we had left him. (ALL MIDLAND COPS ARE JERKS) At around 12:50ish he called us up from San Angelo and told us. We were releived to hear from him, but also tired as heck. Sometime around 1:50 we left Midland, me driving 85 the entire way home. Thinh and Daniel decided to torment me by constantly trying to play MAE, I swear I could have killed 'em, even though it was just out of fun. All in all, I had a lot of fun on the trip even if no one else did. I really had a great time... I've just decided to stop investing any dependence in the Asian community (with the exception of Thinh)

Four days of school and I'm already sick. My mother fears it's strep, so off to the doctor I go tomorrow. I left work early, which means less money unfortunately. I just felt too bad, I mean granted I was talking to everyone and laughing and such but my throat is killing me and everytime I move I ache and my temperature is 100.3 right now. There's no way I can miss school though...

Amber's new car is awesome!!! Go chicka! Does anyone know where Kookie is? If he falls through we're going to Rock the Desert with Thinh. Gosh darn Asians, can't depend on them. Who is all going anyway? I'm going even if I'm sick. Ok, now onto government essay and physics homwork then some must needed sleep.

Blue October - Clumsy Card House
By the way
By your side I'll stay
If that's OK
Then by your side I'll stay, forever
Here I'm standing up
Bcause I want to fall in love with you, forever

Josh, if you haven't talked to me yet STOP READING THIS!

Thinh and I decided at church toady that I've been "journaling" not "blogging." There's a big difference, journaling describes your day and such, blogging is just random thoughts and that kind of thing. I've just decided it's the GT journal, sums it up fine for me.

Thinh made me so happy tonight. Apparently (from what I saw) the girl he's chasing is pretty much digging him too. I'm not that good of friends with her, but I want to talk to her about it a little. I don't know, I want to do SOMETHING for them. I mean, I need to repay the favor, he did a lot to help Josh and I. "Make sure this seat is mine!" she told Thinh as she ran off to do something with Shannon. I just looked at him and smiled, he was beaming. He gave me one of those "hopeful-I-don't-know" looks. It was great. When I left church, they were still talking there on the couch. Good luck, bro. I'm rootin' for ya!

Lots of really random things happened to me today. (ok, now I'm journaling again, but this is important) I spoke with my father again on the phone, went very well. I also spoke with my Nonnie (what we call my Italian grandmother) It's so great to hear from her. She is the sweetest old lady with the cutest Italian accent. She turns 89 this year and she still works as a secretary in the California State Building in San Fran! Go G-ma! That was a good thing that happened. Bad thing: My step-dad got in a wreck today and had to go to the hospital. I don't know details yet, my sister tells stories as well as I do, but what I got from her was that a 15 year-old and a 17 year-old driving a truck home from Central didn't pay attention to my dad's Buick as he slowed down to turn (yes, his blinker was on!) They rear-ended him and now my dad is experiencing random numbness and a sore neck. Please pray for him, those symptoms are bad signs. Another bad thing is my sister has an infection in her eyes, Conjunctivitis. Too bad they're fake. She might have to miss school, and it sucks having to miss so early in the year.

Ashlin, Cassie, and I finally had our sappy miss-our-guys day. (Ashlin doesn't really have a "guy" like Cassie and I do, but Tyler was her best friend since she was like 4. I'd miss him too if i were her) We watched Chicago while eating pop-corn and cokes AND an entire pint (each) of Ben & Jerry's Choclate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. While Cassie was at church, Ashlin and I had a cry fest. We both really needed it and it was good to be there for your best friend, after all she was there for me and always has been. She's so awesome, I'm glad she had the guts to talk to me in 7th grade even though I yelled at her.

Who's skipping the 1st-3rd study hall for Seniors on Tuesday while everyone else takes the practice TEKS test? I AM!

School is great... I'm actually really enjoying it so far. I had lunch with Taylor Harris today. Turns out he's going to Texas Military Institute is San Antonio this year. More power to him, I hope he can handle it. He's actually really excited to be going to a boarding school, which really suprises me. Personally, I'd love to move off to a boarding school (if it was my freshmen year or something) just for the adventure of it. Then again, these are the last years I have at home so I should mae the most of it.

I received a letter from Josh today, he wrote it the day he left. Of course it made me cry, but it also made me very very happy. I must say that we are truly blessed that we can talk so much. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't hear his voice pretty much whenever I wanted to. Cassie must be going crazy.

It's great, I've pretty much been labeled the "liberal" in my government class today because I spoke out for gay rights. We were discussing Boy Meets Boy and Quere Eye for the Straight Guy and most of the class was really dissing it. Golly, I dislike close minded people. They tick me off. I'm gonna need some help from you liberals (the only one is probably Daniel) to arm me for some heated debates that are to come. So far I'm one against 24, so give me some good stuff. Speaking of government, I've got to go read Chapter 1 before band practice. Ugh, 6:30 - 9:00 rehearsal, that's just peachy.

School actually went great for me. My schedule is perfect except for Physics. Turns out I'm too stupid to be in there anyway. Mr Kahlig said I had to take at least pre-cal to be in that class, it was a prerequisite. He's really funny and seems great, but he made me feel dumb. Other than that, everything is awesome. I have Mrs. Flores again for Spainish 3 and she rocks! We really got to know eachother last year, so this year should be a breeze. Spanish is always my worst subject and I'm lazy so I need to find someone to cheat off of. I'm really looking forward to Government with Mrs. Hatfield, I'm just really interested in that subject but it's going ot be a lot of work. First day there and we already took a practice AP test, oh joy. Economics is what's going to kick my butt! My government class has ALL the freakin' smart kids in it. Like 7 of our top ten in our class is in there with me... great. Cassie's in there, so that will go well. Sayer Killam is in TWO classes with me, that's just horrible. I've been trying to avoid that boy since 8th grade when he got his mom to ask me for my number for him. Yuck. My English class is disapointing. I really miss the underclassmen in our English class. They have us all separated according to grade now, which really takes all the fun out of G/T English at Central High School. And it's not the same without Mrs. Davis and Mrs. Underwood is in Holmes now, so they screwed it all up. We're reading Les Miserables and that's one of my favorite plays so I'm actually going to READ this book. Quiz MONDAY! It was great, the first thing Mrs McKinney said to us about that is, and I quote exactly, "That sophomore class is from HELL. Everyone of them is going to fail." That's just awesome. After 5th I go home, which really rocks. I didn't know what to do with all that free time... I ended up going to the Band Hall to work on flag stuff (becasue I'm a band nerd). Tomorrow I think I'll go have lunch with my mom. Yeah, school was great but I'm missing Josh particulary bad right now... I guess it's because... I don't know... I just do. I went to the Lighthouse tonight, but no one was there. That didn't make me feel any better at all. You guys, we can't just fall apart cause school started, we still have to hang out! (I know, I could try a little harder to do so also) Well, I'm going to go call Josh now. Cheese is good.

Well, my end of summer post is still yet to come. I have a lot to say, you guys know how my novels go.

It's 11:42 and I just got off the phone with my dad. Yes, my REAL dad, or I just like to call him my chromosome donator because that's pretty much all he's been to me in my life. I'll explain that story later. Anyway, we actually had a really good conversation. He told me about all the awesome things he's doing in California such as going to concerts, organic resturaunts, Santa Cruz University, all that stuff. Man oh man I really miss California, the beaches, the sound of the city at night, it's really great. I talked about Josh... the whole time. He was actually incredibly impressed that Josh is 18 and doesn't swear, drink, do drugs and is incredibly smart and still a virgin. You have to understand that in CA if you have long hair you are labeled a hippie and along with that come hippie ideals such as smoking a lot of pot and free sex all the time. It was just hard for my California dad's mind to understand that you don't have to have all that stuff in your life. That made me just realize again how absolutely perfect Josh actually is and I felt very proud that I can say that yes, that conservative modest man is my boyfriend. I'm still in shock that my dad and I actually had a good conversation without him bashing my mother about something and me hanging up. One thing he said really bothered me though. After I told him that Josh and I are doing the long distance thing he said "Good luck!" in a very condesending tone. I've heard that a lot lately, from a lot of people I've told. I just want everyone to know that Number 1: I don't believe in luck and Number 2: If I did, I don't need it! We're doing just fine and we're going to do this, no matter what! He's absolutely awesome and makes me feel incredible even though we're miles apart. So all you doubters can just give love a chance go suck eggs! Along with this I must add that those of you who believe in us are AMAZINGLY supportive and you're making this soooooo much easier on me, and him probably. I'm still sorry I let you all down and missed my Xtwo live crewX initiation. I drove around with Matt Willey tonight and I finally got my darn sharpies. You know you have to be 18 to buy those! We drove around in his Jeep blasting Bob Marley "Everything is going to be alright!" We have this tradition that's been going on for 2 years. Every end of summer, christmas break, and spring break we drive around and listen to Dashboard Confessional "Age Six Racer." Matt is great and he always helps me through everything, "just listen to Bob Marley" he always says. Hey, I haven't cried today! First day I haven't since Thursday, that's a good thing. Well, I'm off to bed. Good bye America and Good bye summer '03, you've been good to me.


Hey thanks, thanks for that summer.
It is cold where your going
I hope that your heart is always warm.
I gave you the best that i had.


Ok.. dang it... the whole "not crying" thing is moot now. 99 days, down to double digits.

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO JOSHUA MICHAEL SPECIALE'S BLOG!


I'm a nerd, but he loves me anyway.

By Tuesday our embraces had a sense of desperation. We knew what was coming, we had been waiting and dreading this all summer. Everything we had was perfect. Tuesday I helped him pick out a printer (well, not really help, just accompany) and shop for some final things he was going to need. Wednesday we all went to lunch with Abs and spent some time at the church. Following that I went to his house to let him finish packing some things. I sat on his couch and talked to Moriah a little and flipped through the yearbook that had all the up coming Purdue freshmen in it. There towards the back was a picture of Josh and it just hit me, really really hard. His mother was there and she and I both looked at each other and teared up. It was horrible; it must be so hard for her considering it's her first born leaving. As soon as Josh walked into the room we both turned and wiped our eyes, not wanting him to witness our pain. I tried being strong for him these past few days, but I couldn't help but cry a little when he was holding me in Thinh's car. We headed over to Daniel’s after that and the night got weirder from there. Lots of random things happened but we ended up re-living a lot of summer nights our "friend-of-groups" had together such as driving, Wendy's, Hastings, the dock. We couldn't stay there forever though, Josh still needed to finish packing so we dropped him off at his house and me, Juston, Justin, Daniel, and Thinh spent the night at Thinh's apartment. At around 4:30 am we got the call from Josh and we headed over to IHOP. We spent our last couple of hours laughing at each other and making fun of each other... it was great. "Are you leaving her behind?" asked Dawn our waitress. Of course not, I thought to myself, only for a little while, like 103 days. We then drove Justin home and Juston and they said their good-byes. Then it was Daniel's turn. They've been friends for so long. I remember talking to Daniel about Josh leaving in Theatre class months ago and it was finally happening. When Josh got back in the car it was... I can't really describe it. We then drove to Thinh's. On the way, Thinh played "Summertime" by MAE and we just held each other a little tighter. I must say, a big part of why Josh and I are even together is mainly due to Thinh. He has been an acting force in allowing us to make incredible memories and I thank you for that. After Thinh and Josh said their farewells something happened that yet again I have no words to describe. It was one of the most humbling experiences for me... ever. We got back to Josh's house and his entire Family was awake and bustling. This was our last few minutes together and it was all a blur to me, it went way too fast. When his grandparents showed up with the van all packed, I began to panic. This was it, he was leaving. "I checked and there is just no room for you, my dear!" he grandfather said to me. We walked outside and circled up and prayed for their protection and our sanity. We all were in tears. He hugged his mom, his dad, brother, sister, younger brother, then finally me. He held me for a bit and kissed me good bye. The words "I love you" sprang from his lips and hit my ears and my heart broke. "I love you too" was the last thing I whispered to him and he got in the van. I stood there next to his mother, both of us sobbing, as he drove off down Clare Drive. I got in my car and could only drive a block before I had to pull over I was crying so much. I finally drove my way to Ashlin's house and crawled up her stairs and into her bottom bunk and just fell asleep crying. At 9:30 I awoke to Ashlin's confused face peering into mine from the top bunk. "Elizabeth?!" Well, she gave me a key to her house, I might as well use it. I spent the rest of the day with her... we went and watched Daddy Day Care and ate (very fattening) Hot Fudge Sundaes. At 5:30 I went to work. My mom came up on my break and I told her the whole story about him leaving and such. We both lost it... I cried there for about an hour with her (just ask Nathan) The group wasn't the same without the long haired boy sitting quietly amongst the crazy people. Even Nikki commented on that. It was awful. I did get to talk to him though, JustOn called him and we all got to talk. It was great to hear his voice, I felt better after that. After work we went driving around in the Echo... the back seat is too big. We went to Daniel's for old times sake and then back to the Lighthouse. We didn't talk much, we were all so wierded out by it. We felt like a family member was gone... something will always be missing. We will always have a spot for you though, don't ever forget it. Hold your head up high kiddo, we all are rootin' for ya. GO BOILERMAKER'S! This is only the beginning for you and I, especially YOU!

WOW, WOW, WOW...

That pretty much sums up the way I feel right now. I am in a total state of bliss, I can't believe this. Today's Austin trip was of course fun, but above all else completely unforgetable for many reasons. Thinh and Daniel looking for the wrong exi number one (yes, it is an exi.) Whistles in a State office, small Asian running almost paralell to the water in the UT fountain, Thinh asking for money from strangers then speeding off RIGHT BEFORE THEY GIVE IT TO US!(Thinh, you suck at life) and GREAT pizza!!! Yeah, it was a great trip, but nothing could prepare me for the ride home. Every time Josh and I spend time together, we just get closer and closer to each other and this trip was NO exception. We talked about a lot of issues that really needed to be discussed and everything turned out as good as it possibly could have. Josh and I have decided, very happily I might add, that we're staying together despite the distance. We like eachother too much right now we both know we have something pretty special. It will be tough, but I know I can do it. I like Josh way too much to pass this up and not see where this ends up. If I sound crazy it's because I am. But I don't care, I'm thinking exactly like a person in love should think and it's great! I only have 2 days left, then it's EMO time. I started crying today. Thinh played our song "Summertime" and I just sat there thinking about that night at the dock and eveything that's happened between us and I broke. It's not the first time, and definately won't be the last. I'm really terrified of Thursday. I must say that I really am making the most of our time left together, no regrets. He's finally picked up on that philosophy of mine and it's great. Wow, chills and goosebumps. GREAT STEM!

What a freakin' good day. The first part didn't start out too well because I didn't wake up to my alarm clock and my mom just turned it off. I know it's my fault for not waking up, but she just doesn't get it that if I have the darn thing set and it's going off there's a reason for it! So I almost didn't go to church, but something told me that I should still get up and go. I hate letting people down and I promised Josh I'd go. I did, and when I got there a very nice man helped me find my friends and everything went great. Micah played most of my favorite praise songs ever. That's my favorite part about church, just singing and worshiping in fellowship with your best friends. After church we (Tanner, Thinh, Daniel, Josh, and I) went to Rosa's for lunch. Half of CHBC decided to go there also so I got to finally meet the famous Youth Minister and some others. The day got better from there. We all ended up at the Lighthouse and from there we all made the next move and went to Hastings to rent a movie. Mario Brothers is the most poorly acted film of the early 90's. But, it was fun watching it. As long as Josh and I can be together, I don't mind sitting through an awful movie. He told me I was beautiful tonight, I'm not sure if he was impulsed to do so by the movie or if he really really meant it, (pretty sure it was option 2... maybe...) but all in all it was great to hear. After returning the movie in record time, Tanner and I got in a fist fight at Hastings. He ended up being kicked by Josh and I, and I ended up with a bruise. Fun stuff! After we all parted ways in the Lighthouse parking lot (yet another ritual) I went to HEB to purchase the contents of our breakfast for tomorrows road trip. It's going to be FABULOUS!!! I can't wait at all... yet that brings me one day closer to parting with Josh. There are some very important things I need to speak with him about anyway. This trip is going to ROCK!

That's it. After Josh leaves it's been decied by Thinh and Daniel that I will become EMO. The clothes, the shoes, even the glasses. I'll mosey around all day wallowing in my sorrow and thinking of lyrics for the emo songs I'll write. Then on open-mic night at the Lighthouse I'll sit up there and play the guitar and start screaming and crying at the end of each heart wrenching song. Yeah, who needs aspirations when you've got heartbreak going for you.

FINE! SHUT UP! I'm posting now!!!

You know, I'd love to have a lucid dream. One of those where you know you're dreaming and you can do anything you want. That would be the coolest thing in the world. But then I think of Vanilla Sky and how that turned out and I second guess it. I watched Waking Life tonight with Josh, Daniel, Nathan, and Thinh. GREAT MOVIE! It's one of those you need to watch over and over to understand a lot of it, though you'll never understand ALL of it. Nathan decided to sleep through most of it until he'd snore then Thinh would just punch him out of it. I just sat with Josh on the couch, as happy as could be. We seem to be holding eachother a little tighter lately. We both know what's coming and can't bare to think about it. I've got this awful stomache ache that's growing increasingly more painful day by day. Everytime I think about how great of a boyfriend he is, I instantly am reminded that after Wedneday I won't see him for exactly 103 days. Believe me, I'll be counting down every one! What's going to kill me the most is the activilty that I'll be spending the most time in this year is Band and mini-Josh is in Band and everytime I see him I'll be reminded. I guess I'll just make the most of it while it lasts, and so far we have been doing a great job of that. There's just one thing I hope he does before he leaves, though. I better get to bed, church in the morning!

"Run motha f**kers!"