lost

I lost my faith. I want it back.

bright side darkened

Things looked slightly brighter yesterday... then I found out something that recently happened and I'm almost over the edge again.

Holy shit. It actually happened.

caught

My principals called me into a meeting today to ask me about my weight loss. They say that some of my peers noticed a drastic change and they know I don't really eat lunch. They're wondering if there is a problem, there is some concern.

I just said I've been training for my triathlons.

What I can't tell them is the situation with work, my relationship, and my future has me SO stressed I can hardly eat food, much less keep it down. It's hard to eat when NOTHING feels appetizing and meals feel like an afterthought. I am withering, and people noticed.

still the same: no improvement

I don't want to come home. What I want is a good undertow.

christmas eve

I wish even Christmas was enough to keep me wanting to still be here. But I don't, and I don't know how to change that.

I don't want to be here anymore.

terrified

I'm constantly living in fear. Fear that this is going to last forever, fear that I'll never feel happy again. Fear of never liking a job and always living a dread. I'm in the middle of a raging sea of dread and doubt and all I can do at night is beg God for some direction.

"You were faithful before, you'll be faithful again" says the song on KLOVE right now. I want so badly for that to be so. I want some peace in my life.

Please please pray for me. I'm desperate, I can't do this alone and I want to believe I will get through this. I'm not convinced, but I want to believe it!

plummeting

Everyday it gets better, but also gets worse. I'm trying really hard to make things better and my family and friends are helping... but I'm hurting SO bad still. It's a numbing pain that doesn't cease. I haven't eaten much in months. Today I got half a yogurt down before I got nausious. Believe me, that's an improvement.

God, I'm desperate.

"good" days

My life is an absolute joke. I have no purpose here. Usually life is pretty joyous, speckled by moments of sadness. My life has been misery speckled by moments of joy yielding into more misery when those moments are over.

I don't feel amazing. I feel pathetic, and small, and useless, and stupid, and incapable, and worthless.

I try so hard to force myself to have a "good" day, but I still manage to cry everyday. EVERYDAY, even twice or three times a day. It's a "good" day if I don't think about the unthinkable. That's about how I measure it. I hide it as best I can, but I can only hide it so long. This has been going on since July. How much longer can it last!!! I can't take it anymore. It's horrible.

waking

I wake up every morning with my heart beating, palms sweating, and nearly out of breath. When I realize it's 6:15 and it's time to get up, I feel the rush of anxiety all over my body. The adrenaline starts in my stomach and surges down to my toes and finger tips until I am consumed. Initially it feels the same as when I'm excited to see someone, like when I came home from Europe and couldn't wait to see Daniel and when I crossed the stage at graduation, e.g. butterflies. After that initial feeling, it takes a wretched turn for the worst and brings pain with it. This isn't excitement, it is fear, pain... dread.

Then I roll over and see Daniel beside me most mornings. When I see that moppy head of curls, I am reminded things could be so much worse. I could be completely alone here. I could have no job to go to. I could've had to move back to San Angelo. But I didn't, and I do have a job that I have to go to, no matter the pain in my stomach and the anxiety in my chest. I hear in my head his words saying "It's going to be okay, you'll be fine." So I kiss that warmth beside me and roll myself out of bed and try to get ready for the day.

Now, sometimes on the mornings I don't have Daniel beside me the pain is 10x worse and it takes me twice as long to get up. This in itself, is a huge problem. I can't have him next to me every morning. I can't expect him to stay over every night. He has his own home, his own place to sleep. Other mornings I'm okay and can get myself out the door with less trouble. But I need to be able to handle this on my own. I need something more solid to stand on. I feel like I'm sinking in mud and am struggling to walk. I've never felt this way before.

This happens to me every morning, which is why I fear going to sleep for the fear of waking up.

I may not love my life or living right now, but I do love the people in it. But someday I want to want to live my life for myself again.

what doesn't kill you...

I'm not dead, but that might feel better. I'm just the weakest I've EVER been.

I'm trying though, I really am. I still get out of bed every morning, though I don't want to. I still go to work, and I still eat a little... I've alive, but definitely NOT living. I think I've turned into one of those empty-shell people. The one's you meet in life and you just see the shadows under their eyes and ask yourself "What the heck happened to you along the way?" I'm one of them now.

I'm usually pretty good at finding some sort of optimism in times of distress and I've always been able to pull myself up and out of it, but this time it's way different. I'm not just stuck, I'm trapped. I have no way out until sometime in June, but even then, where can I possibly go? My sister is likely moving to Austin. I have NO idea where my boyfriend will be. I can't do what I'm doing now for another year or two, I know it's just not a possibility.

It's very scary being in such a dark place. So dark that some dreams/nightmares I've been having seem like such a relief if they would just come true. I can't get myself to type the rest of what I'm saying here. I thought I'd be able to handle this better. I thought I'd be stronger. I thought I was a good girlfriend. I can't think of any redeeming qualities I even have left anymore. I'm really a shell of who I used to be and I don't foresee getting out of that state. I don't know how!

expectations and reality

I feel as if I've hit a wall. I don't really know what I'm doing here anymore. "Here" kind of applies to everything... here in San Marcos, here with my education and job, here. What am I doing here? I have no purpose. I thought I had a purpose, but in the end words are just words and they don't mean anything.

I used to have a purpose, I thought I had a purpose. Though, now I'm graduated with 2 degrees and in a profession that I don't feel I belong in. I feel I could have gotten through it okay with the right support, but I don't know what's right for me. I'm pretty sick of just being the on the side.

"Sometimes time doesn't heal, no, not at all." -Jack Johnson

I think I'm falling again and it hurts.

confidence - and lack there of

I don't understand why I am so scared of everything. I wish I could be the person who goes with the flow, and is easy about everything. But that's where I get into trouble. I keep trying to be the person I want to be, or think I should be, but that's not the essence of who I am.

Here is what I know myself to be: I am not confident in myself and I really don't think I deserve a lot of the things given to me. I am constantly thinking ahead, and planning for what I think is coming. I even think of plan B, C, and D. I have to get good grades because I know I am capable of it if I just commit and work hard for it. I would rather write things than talk about them for the fear of being viewed as crazy. I hate that I am too scared to talk about what is really bothering me. I wish I was, but am not the kind of person who can be alone and be okay with it.

Most importantly, I realize that I am scared of a lot of things that I have no control over. I need help with a lot more things than I am willing to ask for. In that regard, when they find out all of this, they tend to run. I can't blame them either.

adjusting

I'm finding it really odd living in a new place, starting a new life. In sum, it is not at all what I expected, but apparently it's exactly like Daniel expected. When I decided I wanted to move to San Marcos, he told me it's going to be a lot harder for you than you think. Of course, at the time I wrote him off and thought me, of all people, would do just fine. Oh, I could have never been so wrong.

To my family's chagrin, it wasn't hard because I miss my mom or my sister or my cat. I moved in with Krista, so I don't miss family. It was difficult because I had NO furniture and no room. I moved to San Marcos the day after I got back from being in Europe for a month, so adjusting to being stateside was something on its own entirely. I was living out of a suitcase I'd had for a month beforehand. Then of course, I didn't have a job and still had classes to take. Also, I got in a car accident and totaled my car, so I had my fair share of obstacles.

I'd like to say that I handled everything great, smoothly, and with grace... but I can't. At this time my sister had to leave for a month for National Guard training, so I was alone at the apartment knowing nobody else in San Marcos besides Daniel. I guess from an outside view, it doesn't look so bad but consider this:

The leading causes of stress in life are these 5 factors: moving, money, occupation, relationships, children. I was dealing with 4 of the 5 and we all know I don't have kids. My stress level was through the roof.

Eventually, I had some light at the end of the tunnel. I was offered a job at the local middle school (3 miles from my apartment!) and I was able to buy a new car and a new bed. I'm really not through the storm though, but I learned a lot about myself, some good and a lot bad. I'm proud of myself for being able to buy the car I wanted at a really great price. I did all my own research and went into the lot educated and (slightly) empowered. Even though everyone I spoke to told me I needed a man to go with me, I did it on my own. Little things like that are necessary.

Let's hope I can really get through all of this without getting burned anymore.

3 AM

I can't sleep. All I can do is listen to the hypnotic melodies of Bon Iver and wish there were a close friend on Facebook to talk to. There is no one. And this is pointless.

old boxes

I'm beginning to pack up my apartment.

Boy, have I got some things to burn.

reminiscence

With the fear that someone would be reading my blog today, I began re-reading some of my earliest entries. I knew they would be disgustingly angsty and laden with "Josh-missing", but it was really nice getting reacquainted with that girl I once was. In looking back and remembering those first few weeks of senior year, being a very naive girl of 17, I kind of realize now how happy I really was as that child. Minus the "Josh-missing", I was quite a contented, driven, young woman.

My first entries complain of the flagline not performing as well as I hoped, certain Physics and Government grades not being up to par, and working a lot... but I was happy. I had no idea of the disappointment and confidence destruction that was to come. None of that started until around December of that year. And when that all hit, it was all over and that innocense was lost. I was no longer that optimistic, sappy, fun loving child, but turned into that girl who was gripping to that dream of how relationships are "supposed to be" and remained confused and hurt as to why that wasn't playing out. Ha, and it took years to get that head back on straight. I'm thinking a lot clearer now.

I suppose there is no reason to be really ashamed at what I once wrote here. It was truly how I was feeling at that moment, and this blog preserves those feelings perfectly. So, I'm not ashamed. Somehow all of it shaped the woman I am now and I can live with that. Short hair, green eyes and a stitched up heart that I still reveal too easily, but God has me taken care of and I will be fine in this life.

Here is one of my first posts that I have to revisit because maybe I was smarter than I thought at that age:

July 21, 2003

I've always wanted to life to be like in the movies. Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl chases boy for 108 minutes (average movie time) boy finally falls for girl, boy and girl live happily ever after. That's just the hopeless romantic in me. Life is never like that, it lacks the serendipity. For example, my romantic life has been somewhat of a disaster. Everything usually ends horribly before it even begins, and I've gotten used to the hurt. Yet, it has made me a perfect relationship analyst. You give me a recently ended relationship and I'll give you a detailed description of exactly what went wrong. However, I've recently experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that changed the way I view myself and love.

Number one: People dwell too much on finding love when love is really supposed to find you.

Number two: Why are we looking for love at this young age in the first place? We should stop trying to grow up so fast, live in the moment! Watch the sunrise with close friends, it's an amazing experience.

Number three: Stop dwelling in the past and complaining about ex-boyfriends and past relationships. I'm positive Thinh and Josh are sick of hearing it. From now on nobody will ever hear me talk about it again. (With the exception of Ashlin, who I share everything with and she understands completely even if I get annoying) So, I will no longer feel sorry for myself and I'll start just living in the moment.

Number four: HAVE NO REGRETS!!! Tell someone the way you feel at the risk of sounding like an idiot. Life's no fun if you don't take risks.

flames

I am having a very difficult time right now trusting people... myself in particular. From a young girl utterly surrounded by dysfunction, I don't understand how I got involved in such dysfunctional relationships when I grew up. You think I would run so fast in the opposite direction if anyone ever showed any signs they were like my father, but no. I seem to run into their open arms!

I feel like one of the women from Lifetime, defending the men I dated (save one, because the following post does not apply) saying "But they were really nice on the inside, they don't mean to be like that." Ugh, please, Elizabeth... you're so much smarter than that!

It's not my smarts. It's my passion that is my issue. My God-damned fickle flame that lights much too easily and is extinguished just as so. My smarts come in when I realize I need to get out of the relationship, and eventually I do. And then I sit here and think "What the HELL was I thinking?" Reflecting back on the two, I realize how screwed up things were and I begin to fear myself and my decisions. How could I stay in that type of setting? Threats, force, obsession, more threats... It goes to prove the adage, you really don't know someone until you divorce 'em. Or break-up with them in my case. I feel like I need to warn future victims or something.

Essentially, I feel very disappointed with myself and my past relationship decisions. It is not a good feeling. It hurts.

However, I must add that something has changed. Getting involved with Daniel has been one of the most rewarding experiences. There is something about that kid that drives me crazy and I often feel that I don't deserve the way he treats me. This is by far the most supportive, functional, normal relationship I have ever been in and that gives me hope. But most of all, and most important of all, he gives me confidence... which is the one thing I am most in need. I can't even begin to know how to thank him for that.

getting out

Whoever says there is nothing to do in San Angelo was not very creative. Honestly, there are not a ton of crazy-entertaining kinds of things to do, but I have never been really painstakingly bored here. I've always been one to entertain myself very easily, partly why long-distance relationships aren't too harsh for me. I always knew there was unexplored territory in San Angelo, and the Twin Buttes were definitely first on my list. When Jeff told me they were private property, they became that much more appealing. So Diana and I decided to go hiking and ended up going the whole way up... over fences and under barbed wire, we made it to the top of the pentacle of the San Angelo horizon. It was fantastic. Again, I hold that you just have to get creative to have fun in this city. Such as night driving, lawn-napping, running, night-swimming, etc. We've done a lot of crazy shit in this town that didn't involve alcohol or drug use of any kind, just good ol' fashioned trucks and adrenaline. I've had fun in this city.

That being said - San Angelo is defined on Urbandictionary.com as:

A small town in the middle of Texas that probably wouldn't exist if it didn't have Angelo State University or Goodfellow Air-force Base. It is most famous for the home of the latin/rock group, Los Lonely Boys.

Most of San Angelo's citizens socialize at one of three places: Hastings, Sunset Mall, or Graham Central Station.

It is also metaphorically described as a "whirlpool" or "black hole," meaning that people who come to this town find it hard to permanently leave.

Aaron Waston, a Texas country artist, also wrote a song about it.

"Dude, you'll never leave San Angelo... its a big whirlpool."

In the words of Jim from the Office, "Spot on!" Yes, that is exactly how I would describe San Angelo and it's suction effects. The big news is, I am finally getting out. Yes, you read correctly, I am leaving San Angelo. I will no longer reside in this city and will save a hell of a lot of gas money. My older sister asked me to move in with her down in San Marcos and it could not be a more perfect transition for me. When I think about it, I've been trying to get to this area for years, but school has always held me back. Now that I'll have my Masters and all I am now ready to go. So, when I get back from Italy in June, I'm packing up the truck and getting down there.

BIG PLUS: Closer to Krista, closer to Daniel, closer to Tantra, closer to Austin... it's the closest place to California I've ever been. It's settled, I'm on my way.

I can't wait to live near Daniel. It's going to be fantastic.

two weeks

Cassie knows me well, actually. Two weeks, that's all it takes. Ever since 10th grade, just two weeks.

I am a selfish person. We are all selfish by nature, but I have acted very very selfishly. It's just when I know what I want, I gotta have it. I just GO for it, no matter what. I had to have this. That boy got into the picture and never left. I can't stop thinking about him. This is big. As in this feeling is very VERY new to me, either because it's been years since I've been this happy or it s because it is just a brand new feeling. I'm not sure.

The cool thing is, I am comfortable with distances. Very comfortable, actually. This won't be too bad for about 6 months, then I can move down there, which has been my plan for months, years actually. Since the Austin marathon in 2007.

I need to start making some driving playlists, San Marcos is exactly 3.5 hours away.

I feel joyous. His name is Daniel.