So, another year has almost passed. I look back and only hope I've touched someone's life or made something, anything, special for someone, just as many others have done for me.

I've decided this year that I'm going to actually make some New Year's resolutions, contrary to what I've done in the past. I've never made any because I knew I'd never follow through with it. I mean, if I can't even keep small goals like keeping in touch with my family, what makes me think I can achieve bigger ones? It's high time I grow up and start taking responsibility for myself and for things that are going to affect the rest of my life. My eighteenth year is a good year to start resolutions anyway. I need a mental makeover, I can't do a thing for others until I feel ok with myself. I want to change my mind, spirit, and body.

SPIRIT
To change my spirit I must to learn to love everybody... unconditionaly. LOVE EVERYBODY! First, of course, love God. Then, love myself. By loving myslef, I enable myslef to love others. Love is the only thing that lasts and it's the only thing that matters. So I figured I'd start there.

BODY
The top of many resolution lists is lose weight and mine happens to be no exception. It's just something that I have to do, it's a major personal battle and has been for about 2 years now. It's time to fix it. I'm not going to be unreasonable and expect to look like Jennifer Garner or anything, but I just need to get in shape, the way I used to be. Ha, I'm still flexible thank goodness. I proved that tonight at the Lighthouse with Lauren. One handed cart-wheel into the splits standing back bends can still be done!

My List (so far and so much more to add)
1. Love Others
2. Get in shape

I did it again! Why do I not listen to Daniel!?

she waits one more week to fall apart

When I worked on Saturday I wrote a really LOOOOOOONG post about the happenings of Friday night, i poured heart and soul into that post for about half an hour, but yes, it was lost. My Lighthouse sign on timed out and when I logged back on, it was gone. Really, REALLY annoying!


Hmmm.....this has just turned into a self motivation post. No one really reads this anymore anyway, so I'll talk to myself. All I have to do is wait for Friday, it seems impossible. It's like I'm climbing a huge mountain with an unmeasureable weight holding be back. I got so much done within the last 12 hours! Finally, my Gov AP essay, my Chapter 12 Test and Study Guide, my English AP essay, my Photojournalism Final Project. All these things checked off my list, and yet I feel like nothing has been lifted. I still have so much to do... I'm not built for these stresses, no one is. Yet, we must accept it and deal with it the best way we know how. Unfortunately for me, I end up procrastinating and suffering the consequences.

I had a really hard time last night, I just ran to my mom crying like I was a 6 year-old or something. Honestly, I'm sick and tired of people making me feel stupid and insignificant. I may not have an insanely extensive vocabulary and my forte may not be in mathematics, but I'm talented and intellegent in ways people may not see, or rather bother to acknowledge. It's a shame that some of the people closest to me are the ones doing most of the harm. I remember writing about this in an earlier blog post.... apparently things haven't changed. I guess a trait in me is I'm sensitive to others words. I try not to be, but that's just me putting on a facade and not being true to myslef: words hurt. This hasn't changed in me, Amber and Ashlin can tell you that I've been like this since 7th grade. If anyone has any comments on how to help me not be so sensitive, please share. Yet, I'm not so sure that I'm being too sensitive or people are just too harsh. Please, I ask you as my friend, please don't be cruel and overly-sarcastic with me and don't insult my intellegence. I would never, ever, ever want to hurt you, so please think before you speak.

All I have to do is get through the 19th. I don't have time to have any kind of emotion until then. I feel like a puppet just going through the motions of school. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, some force is pushing out of it and somehow I find myslef in the shower and off to school. I've been late everyday this week. I'm slowly getting reclusive and anti-social, just like I did last year. I feel horrible, and even my teachers have commented on my solemn attitude. I'm easlily annoyed by my closest friends, little things are just irking me to death. My job, easy at times, is driving me crazy. Contrary to most people's perception of my place of emplyment, a lot of crap happens behind closed doors. I get paid decently, but at times I think it's not worth dealing with Casey and his nazi's. A strict, busy, unflexible waitress job looks mighty fine right now. Plus, it will give me the financial stability to pay back my parents AND be able to afford both a trip to Josh's in the Spring and my Band Spring Trip. Ugh... why am I feeling like this?

I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again. Oh, baby, I hate to go.


When I got off the plane last week I walked up to him, not being able to speak. We could barely look at eachother, I couldn't beleive I was finally there. My knees were weak from the plane ride, so I collapsed into the chair. He sat down next to me and put his head on my shoulder. It was then that I knew everything was going to be alright, everything I had anticipated was played out in that moment. And the trip got better from there...

I have enjoyed this trip so very much, being with him just makes me feel so amazing. What can I say, I love him. So so so so much. I don't know when I'll be back to West Lafayette, but I hope it's next semester. Josh will be coming home in 18 days, and of course waiting will be more agony. We've made it through over 100 days apart, what's 18 days? He'll be there for 3 weeks though! Bringing in the New Year is gonna be great, I'll be with him and all my close friends that are AWESOME. Now I start up my schooling again... thinking about him constantly and praying for him everyday. I don't have much more to say right now. I'm fighting back tears writing this, saying good-bye is so hard. Josh can tell something's up, but I'll just keep saying I'm fine. By the way, I'm a baby... a big one. I don't want to say good-bye. But saying good-bye means I get the chance to say hello again and the feeling of the first hug and kiss is indescribable.

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go...

So I've been waiting for this for months now and have been counting down the days since 103. Now it's something like 44 hours or so. I'm so excited, scared, enthralled, timid, and giddy all at the same time. Come tomorrow night I know I won't be able to sleep and the Speciales' will pull into my driveway at 3 am and I'll be off. It's so awesome that they are actually doing this for me, I'm so close to his family, especially his Mother. We're like old friends, it's weird. I'm sure he hates it and is weirded out by it but oh well. I really didn't expect his parents to really like the idea of me going up there, but not only do they support it, they're an acting force in getting me up there! The day he left I talked to his mother about it. Just minutes after he'd pulled away (and before I fell apart) she went inside and got me 2 flyers for two hotels that were up there. Turns out that my dad came across one of those flyers and I'm actually going to stay in a really nice hotel a few days. I wonder what it's going to be like? Everyday duirng our school's "moment of silence" I've prayed that he does well on his exams, that he doesn't forget me, that he makes great friends, that he grows closer to God, and so on and so forth. I know we haven't drifted apart because we've only missed talking to eachother 2 days since he left. I'm just a little nervous about how I'm going to react. It seems I'm anticipating this a little more than he is, that scares me too. What doesn't scare me is that I know I love him, and love knows no distance. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and the truth of those words will be my anthem for the next 3 years or so at least. Just to be in his warm embrace is all I've wanted for the past 3 and a half months. He's been the subject of almost every post I've got in this thing. All of you who say long distance relationships can't work can suck it! Ok, that wasn't very nice but still. Never say it can't be done. The 23rd will not only be the day I see him but will also be our 4 month (insert latin prefix for month here)-versary. And there's a heck of a lot more months to come after that. The feeling of knowing someone loves you is the greatest in the world.

A not so meaningful post: If you ever want to go through some extreme pain, got to a salon and get a wax treatment. OMFG, PAIN!

Ok, with this whole Krystal Alvarado thing. Yes, this is terribly, terribly tragic and the realization that this can happen to anyone is absolutely terrifying and gives us a slap in the face on reality. We're not immortal, we should stop living like we are. Maybe I'm just talking to myself here, but I know there are some things in my life that I'm changing because of this. The thing that most saddens me is I knew her relatively well and that's not really a good thing. When I think of Krystal I want to think of her as a nice great person but I can't. To me she wasn't very nice and her and her friends didn't exactly like me. I mean, they were the cause of so much grief in my elementary and junior high years. Needless to say it was all bull crap anyway. So stupid and petty little things that don't amount to a thing in the end. This just proves that life is so short and way too preciuous to have little grudges about anything! I wish so much that I could have at least talked to her in high school. I never said anything to her these past three years. That is so dumb! I'm not saying I would've wanted to be best friends with her or anything, but you know just to talk to her. It doesn't really matter now. I just feel awful for have had any bad feelings toward her at all, they were pointless. I'm not sure I really said here what I really was trying to, hmmmm. I will miss you, Krystal.

Since I'm at home feeling like crap and nothing to do, I decided to finish up reading all of Josh's Blog. I read from December til present. Needless to say, I just feel stupid. That's all. I'm going to bed.

Ok, 2 days till I'm 18. I can't beleive it, I still feel (and act) 15. This is so weird. I can't do much of a birthday party now because this weekend is NCYC and I'll be in El Paso. I was planning it for next weekend, but that fell through because American Airlines is dumb. Maybe I'll have a Birthda-Christmas-Welcome Home Josh Party. Yeah, that'll be fun.

I've waited so very long for this trip... 12 freakin days! I'm sure you guys are really sick of my daily updates, but I'll do it until the day I leave.

I have a correction to my last update. I said "I'm sure I could live without them, but I would never want to." That's not true, I really can't live without any one of those things.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTY!

My fabulous English project was presented to my entire class today. The assignment was to think about stuff you couldn't live without if you had to live in one square yard of space. Some people did all kinds of crazy stuff like inserting drive-thru windows or shrink machines and a magical miniature forrests. I just started drawing at the Lighthouse last night and did the first few things that came to mind. I didn't really follow directions, I kind of cut off the "in one square yard of space" and just used "what could I not live without." So here's the list... I'm sure I could live without them, but I would never want to.

My Bible
A Tree
Big Pillow
Sunsets
Journal and Lime Green pen
Candles & Incence
Photo Album/Scrapbook
Music
Fruit
Italian Creme Sodas
Christmas
My Sister
Ashlin
Josh




The fun random G/T thing I added last minute was a "Season Machine" so I could manage the seasons to what mood I was in. The season's incorporated weather into them, so I had my love of snow covered in winter and my love of thunderstorms covered in summer. That project was a lot of fun and I got a ton of great feedback.

I must say I had the greatest time when it came to drawing my Italian Cream Soda. I swear, subconciously I'm... I just need to talk to Freud about that. We all had a great laugh about that, I'll never be able to swallow one sip of Italian cream sodas ever again without thinking of... ahhhhhh!


Italian Cream...

And time now goes by so slowly...

seeing how this looks... doesn't matter what i say here anyway because no one READS it anymore!

While I was washing dishes at the Lighthouse tonight...
Kylon: If there was someone that you were so in love with that you could marry them right now, who would it be?
Me: Um... (pause) My boyfriend.
Kylon: Why?
Me: Why not? What's the point in going out with someone if you can't see yourself marrying them?

The cool thing is that I didn't even think twice before answering him. In 7th grade (by the influence of Lauren Matthews when I attended First Baptist Church) I kind of made a vow to apply that to all of my relationships along with true love waits, but the only thing I've stayed true to til now was the latter.

"Makes me shiver, but in a good way"

Showing off my sister today was so much fun. My mother, Krista, and I went to lunch at Fuentes. Great food! Then we went to the bank to start up a savings account for her here in the states. They went inside around 2:17 and I fell asleep in the backseat of the car. When I woke up it was 3:11 and about 5 minutes later, they showed up. One hour in a hot car in the middle of the afternoon, what was I thinking? We went to Goodwill after that, no luck finding anything for me. I took my sister first to her friend Marcie's house and got to visit that family. I haven't seen her in 3 years and now she has two little boys (the younger of the two kept molesting me, spanking my butt as much as possible) She's only 21! After Marcie's I was really depressed, but nothing could prepare me for what was next. I then took Krista to her best friend Kristy's house. I haven't seen her in 3 years either. Turns out she has a little boy, a little girl, and is having a c-section tomorrow morning for her second boy. Her sister (16) is 4 months pregnant and smoking cigarrettes on the porch. Her brother is in jail, and her younger sister (14) is doing ok so far. They all live with their grandma in a small 3 bedroom house. That just really depressed me... and my sister. These guys used to be her best friends and if she would've stayed here, she would've turned out just like them. It was just horrible to witness, I really feel sorry for the new baby(s) on the way. A few hours later, I took her to the Lighthouse. We played Yahtzi and I kicked her butt. I'm very skilled at that game, Josh, some of us have it and some of us don't. She got to meet almost everyone, and had a really cool conversation with Lauren. She even got to talk a little Japanese to Justin and Nathan. We then did what all of us have done when we get bored at the LH... we went to Hastings. Much fun, she bought a ton of new cd's, including Flogging Molly a new interest of mine. On the way home she and I talked about her exboyfriend and how that long distance relationship failed. She commented on how Josh and I look like we're doing great (that's because we are) Her's didn't work because he didn't really have the committment. I feel blessed that I'm not in that position. It was hard for her. I've never really connected with my sister as much as I have in these few days. The last few years she was here was kind of hectic because of the baby and all. This has been great... too bad she leaves Thursday.

My older sister Krista flew in on Friday. She's so small! I forgot how short she was, she's been around Asians too long. Today we went to Breakfast and then shopping at the Mall. I hate shopping, it really gets annoying. I'm the "go in and get one thing and leave" kinda gal. I exchanged a shirt and then bought a dance shirt. Total money spent at mall: $3.00, I did well. I'm seriously penny pinching right now, I leave for Indaina really soon (though, not soon enough) I'm not sure exactly how much to bring with me up there, i'll figure that out. I also need to start looking at maps and deciding what we're going to do once I'm there. It kind of occured to me that Josh and I never really spent very much time alone, we we're always with people. It's going to be great though. OOOOOoooooohhhhh...... I can't wait!

No one fscking blogs anymore! What's the deal?! Do we not have personal feelings to share or anything? Are we all dead to emotion?

Once again, I almost died. No, I'm just kidding. I shouldn't joke around with death, not funny. But during Band prcatice today I started getting short of breath for no apparent reason. Then I was having short dizzy spells. Right as practice was ending I got these really sharp, severe pains in my chest. Wasn't very cool at all. Ashlin and Anne assisted me in breathing by holding my arms up and telling me to breathe through my diaphram. Goodness, it hurt bad but they helpled a lot. I was fine 10 minutes later, but then driving home I got those dizzy spells again and my hearing started fading, I got like tunnel hearing. If this happens again, I'm going to the doctor. It was very strange, but it's happened to me before, just hasn't happened in a LONG time. Oh well, good news is I'm fine now.

There are some times in your life when you sit there and can't help but smile. You're so content with your life that you glow with happiness. I've been experiencing this since sometime early-July when I first seriously felt this way about him. The amazing thing is I still feel this way, even though he's 1200 miles from home. Everytime I get off the phone, every letter I read, every suprise I receive, I can't help but tingle with delight. I just hope that every girl finds what I have been so blessed to find. This relationship is beautiful, and honest, and caring, and loving, and absolutley amazing. But the truly amazing thing is it continues to grow with each passing day even though we are so far apart. I love you more than any words can express, thank you so very much.

I beleive God should make cloudy, rainy, beautiful days like this once or twice a week. I love this weather (except for the suprise, I accidentaly left my window cracked last night so my butt was very wet during the first part of my day at school this morning) It's really wonderful weather, I wish it would stay like this for weeks at a time. I can't wait for winter, by far my favorite season. The bitting cold is somehow comforting to me. The way it forces you to bundle up during the day, and at night convinces you to wrap your self in a warm blanket. I can't wait. I'm starting a new line of movies to watch... Kevin Smith films are my new thing. I still have to finish my Richard Linklater films though. Don't worry Daniel, I'm catching up.