Boy Scout Camp, San Antonio, Church Camp, Home, HEB Camp, Arizona

This summer has been rather strange. When I got back from camp, a series of crazy events happened and all I wanted to do was stay away from it all. When my sister Krista comes, our world just goes to crap. I get kicked out of my room and the house gets very messy and everyone is really busy doing stuff. The day she left I thought it would go back to normal, but instead my world got crazier. Due to a ridicluous arguement on the phone and a series of minute past instances, my mother kicked me out of my house. So I left, and she then calls my cell phone every other hour demmanding to know where I am and that she's realy worried. I knew my mom was crazy, but this was just over the deep end. Fortunately I didn't have to deal with it because my cell phone was on vibrate and I didn't get the messages till morning. Whatever... I went back the next day and everyting was fine. Possibly the stupidest thing my family has ever done.

So I get to work at the Lighthouse everynight this week and I am very pleased with that fact. More money is good. I've been driving around after work with Thinh till almost 12:30 everynight talking about... well, problems. Seems right now all possiblities for a solution point to someting that I don't want to do, though it seems inevitable. I've been patient for a long time, and waiting a little longer doesn't seem that hard right now.

I'm quite discontent with livejournal and blogger right now. I seem to be missing the point of all this, why do we do this again?

Things happen that really make you not want to take anything for granted. Especially family. I'm sorry all of this had to happen to the Johnsons, and I'm SO glad Emily is doing alright.

-Addition to Yesterday-

There have been a lot of future plans that I have changed within the past few weeks. I had a plan, but it depended on something I thought might happen but doesn't look so promising anymore. Man, I liked that plan... it was beautiful. Oh well.

So now I'm just looking for a way out. One road straight out of San Angelo. I'm going to apply for every internship or job I can find that corresponds with my department. I'll take anything: magazine, newspaper, televison, radio... anything! My ambition has been hybernating the past 2 years and it's about to break out into ludicrous speed. I've got a Band scholarship interview/try out coming up this week and I'm gonna get it because I'm miss positive attitude!

I've pretty much figured I'm no longer a part of anyone elses future so it's only me on my own. God, please help me to see what you've got planned for me!

I've been reading the old posts in journals and blogs of the people who graduated last year just to get some insight on how they were feeling. Some things were different, but the basic feeling is (including me) excitement, sadness, and a little bit of fear.

The truth is I'm really looking forward to college. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I want the higher level thinking, the challenges, the hard work, the fun. At least my friends will still be here to experience everything with me.

My sister asked me yesterday what I regret most about my years in high school. My number one thing was that one New Year's Eve party I went to my sophomore year. I got drunk for the first time and forevermore I have to say, "Yeah, I drank in high school." That just kills me. Other than that I have the usual regrets: wish I would've studied harder, wish I would've made more friends, wish I would've been more particular about the boys I got involved with, wish I would've made more meaningful relationships with my friends, etc.

With graduation approaching I start thinking back on my senior year and how it went. The only thing I would change is having my boyfriend here to share it with me. But then again, I wouldn't have been able to go on that wonderful trip back in November, so... Obviously, that can't change and all in all I think my senior year was great! Full of RANDOM fun and befriending RANDOM people.

FOR MY SAKE, FAKE IT!.... Please?

It's nothing that I understand


So prom is in two days. I must say I'm not as excited as I hoped I would be. I WAS excited, but lately this hasn't been the case. I've actually been resenting it a little. I know I'm going to have fun, well, I think so. It's just really hard right now. With all this "date" stuff, I can't help but desperately long for Josh to be here. More than ever I believe. I didn't even feel quite this bad on Valentine's Day for goodness sakes! I hate myself for not asking him last year when I had the opportunity. But the flip side is he always could've asked me, and if I had asked, I don't think he would've cared enough to go. I want him here, I want him here I want him here IwanthimhereIwanthimehere! So much for originality.

Then there's this awful feeling. I've been thinking a lot about how things were last year at this time compared to this year. A lot of things were different, but some things are the same. Like right this time last year I had this same feeling. It was a different situation, but why does it feel the same? It's horrible and I swore I'd never put myself in a position to hurt like this again... but here it is. It's like there's a knot in my stomach and it feels like butterflies ALL the time. But not good butterflies, the ones that make you so nervous you want to throw up and cry at the same time.. Yeah, two days and running. I never would've thought.

I'm surrounded by friends but I feel solitude at the same time. Well, maybe not solitude, but some kind of lonely for sure. I don't know how it's possible to always associate one thing to everything all the time, but I do and it feels like an instinct. I wonder if this is the case on that side? GAW, and that damn song had to come on just now! I don't want to think about last summer right now. I give up.

OF COURSE IT WAS JUST A JOKE!

I would NEVER do that to the love of my life.


THE TRUE STORY, PLEASE CARE ENOUGH TO READ... SOME FUNNY AHH SHII:

What happened was I pulled up to the Lighthouse around 8ish and everyone was outside hanging out by the cars. Then Troy (who happens to be one of my long time friends and prom date) pulls up and comes to talk to me. So we're talking about the trip he went on last weekend to Denver with ASU ROTC and he was SO excited to tell me about the cool people he met from PURDUE. Also on the trip they gave the cadets free swing dancing lessons, so he wanted to teach me for prom. So during all this, we hear small shouts of "Two timing slut" and "Dirty Hoebag" and "Remember Josh" and "I'm calling him right now" and all that jazz. Then it gets worse... we were still talking when Thinh started sneaking up to behind the truck we were standing in front of. We were doing our best to ignore the comments, but a "bug" was just ridiculous. All of this sudden everyone is sneaking around us in all directions and we were surrounded.

Then all of this sudden, everyone breaks out and runs into three seperate cars and the drive away. Two minutes later they all pull up on three sides of us and all turn on their brights. This was getting out of hand. Still, we ignored and kept talking about stuff. Finally, the big moment came when Pablo, Nick, and Juston run up and grab me from behind and carry me to Thinh's awaiting trunk. The trunk slams with me in it, then 4 other doors slam and the car goes into gear with voices yelling "We're going to Indiana, stay away from her f*cker!" It speeds off with me, Thinh, Lauren, Pablo, Juston, and Nick all inside. Then about 2 minutes and a TON of screaming later, they stop the car and throw me out of the trunk into the street and drive off. I was SO disoriented, I didn't know what street I was on, but I just started running towards the nearest street sign. Avenue K and Pierce, about 3 blocks from the Lighthouse. I continue running back to the LH. I get to the alley and then the Echo drives up behind me with them still screaming nasty, nasty stuff. I get to the parking lot again to see Troy there with a look on his face that suggests he didn't know whether to laugh or run away. "I'm going to go ahead and go ok?" he says. I say back (out of breath) "Sure thing, see you later." And that was it.

There was no kissing, no "laughing, touching, tasting" or "kiss of lust and love." Leave it to all of them to create the drama. The rest of the night I was referred to as SLUT, HOEBAG, and WHORE. All in all, it was in fun and hilarious.

Josh, I love you so much and I would never do anything like that. You know that. I love you, I love you, a thousand times I love you.

So my sister is in San Antonio now. Good bye my dear Krista, see you this weekend :)

I'm living a pretty boring life right now. My day consists of battling my alarm clock at 6:30, getting through hell, working out after hell, sometimes working, sometimes doing homework, failing miserably trying to think up interesting things to tell Josh so he might still be interested in me, then drowning myslef in tea trying to get to sleep. If there's a point to this so called life I don't get it yet.

So my sister is home and it's awesome being with her again. She's such a joy to be around... and she swears like a sailor, it's hilarious. So far I've spent the weekend eating, laughing, watching movies, and reflecting on my childhood. My sister always reveals stuff that I did when I was little that I've completely forgotten about now. Like trying to make a dogsled team with my boxer, a leash, and a saucer sled. I ended up in a ditch. Also, trying to prove that the ice over pond was strong enough to hold me and my awesome powers. It wasn't strong enough. I vividly remember that day, now that she brings it up.

The big thing is her remembering my medical history. She distinctly remembers me having anemia as a young child and taking iron pills for it. I don't remember a lick of it, but of course I was like 3. Apparently I took them til I was about 8 or so, but all I remember is taking vitamins and such everyday. With the results of my cancer test and such, along came the yellow flag on my reb blood cell count being slightly lower than normal, a.k.a anemia. Haha, my mom didn't even remember I had a history of it till my sister said something. You think you'd remember that about your child? Oh well, it sure explains a lot though. Me catching every cold that goes around and being sick almost ALL the time ( i know what you're thinking, white blood cells would be associated with this, right? but doc says it's not only the getting sick, but the duration of the sickness). Also, Josh would know this more than anyone, me getting rediculously cold very easy. Although, weight loss and loss of appetite is associated with anemia... it's apparent that that is not a symptom of mine, darn the luck. The good thing is I don't have to take pills for it. Just eat more iron rich foods. That won't be bad, I love spinach.

The Lighthouse is always better on rainy days. The atmosphere is hazy and dark, like a memory is trying to appear again.

This month is so full of stuff. It's going to be great. Upcoming events include Christmas in April, Dinner Theatre, Church Easter Musical, UIL, end of final counted 6 weeks, my sister moves back to the states, Easter, Winter Guard competition, stay at home in the mornings for a week because of TAKS testing, Prom, Corpus Christi Trip, Josh's 19th birthday, and him coming home. So much fun... all in a month!

I really do like my job, especially since I've experienced others that are worse. It's just the little things that irk me, like th fact that he never posts the schedule the same time every week and how we opened with 20 employees and now have 8 and we're all still getting 12 hours a week.

Thank you, Bailey Browder for your persuasive skills and thank you Mrs. Mckinney for being easily persuaded. Our test on 1984 is now on Monday, so I can actually READ the book now as opposed to skimming it w/spark notes. I'm on page forty-something and it's really good. Dystopias give me the creeps.

I had a very weird weekend. Not that weird things happened, just that I had a very weird feeling all weekend. Unfortunately it all started with UIL, and I don't know why I let all that stupid stuff bother me so much. Maybe because last week I was an emotional wreck and it seemed like everything was amplified. At work Saturday night I felt so unstable and I REALLY needed someone to talk to, but of course being at work didn't exactly give me a chance to do that. When there was some down time, I ended up "talkng" to Josh through this 3 page letter. I wrote him 3 pages on why everything was bothering me and how I felt about things. I don't think I'm going to send it though, it looked to me like whinning after I read through it. It was just nice to vent, even if it was in a letter that I'll never send. It was almost like he was listening, but in reality had no idea anyhting was wrong. Writing is probably the best way for me to let out feelings, I see that now and I need to do it more often. It all comes down to me having an identity crisis that has gone on since the beginning of the summer. Of course every teenager goes through it, so that just means I'm normal. Senior year is an emotional roller coaster... you turn 18, you decide what college you want to go to, you prepare for college and leaving home... it's jsut really hard on the psychie. Of course, the former 2 things I mentioned I'm not even going through, though I wish I was. But it all boils down to how you view yourself and appreciating yourself, something I need to work on. So loving others helps you to love yourself, which helps you to love others more. It's a win win situation. That Jesus fellow had this mastered.


And I must say Thank You.

I just got back from Abilene. I competed in the UIL Current Events thingy and Literary Critizism. Both were very difficult and I hate myself for signing up for it. Surrounded by all those people competing I just kept feeling like I DID NOT belong at all. I mean, is there anything that I'm actually good at, instead of just mediocre? After the tests I was sitting there thinking about what my fortes are, trying to comfort my own broken spirit. I couldn't think of anything. Maybe I should change that.

Well, my friend's brother committed suicide two days ago. What is it with this lately? I don't even know what to think about Josh and Kevin. Those bastards should get the same treatment. I just want to scream! I didn't see the video, and I don't want to. I know I'd be sick. In the words of the anonymous guy on Daniel's phone, what the fsck!

I took a really hard economics essay test today. I've about had it with school. I'm ready to get my butt out of there already. Graduation can't come too soon. Even though I'm accepted to ASU and I've been planning to go there since forever, there's a little part of me that wants to do something really drastic. Like save a whole bunch of money and just leave Texas and not come back. Of course I'll never have the guts to do it, but it's fun to think about. Maybe I'll just be a stuardess so I can travel. Apparently it's considered the second sexiest occupation, second only to Nurses and Doctors. Whatever. I'll be done in 2 months and Amber and I can stop complaing about Central and start whinning about ASU.

National Honors Society Ceremony tonight. Joy joy joy. I'll be sure to use a lot of hairspray to increase me chances of my hair catching on fire. Yay!

I found out some really bad news yesterday that affected me deeply. Someone VERY close to me was checked into a Psychiatric Ward on "Suicide Observation." Apparently she's been cutting for months now and hears voices that tell her to do things. She cut herself deeper than usual the other day, and was sent away yesterday. I grew up with her, Easters, Thanksgivings... Anniversarys... Weddings... Birthdays. I don't understand. I don't understand how someone can just change like that and all of this sudden want to end their life. Everyone has hard times... EVERYONE. But some problems affect people more than they would other people. I know some of her problems, and I don't think I would be able to handle them either, but suicide? I told my mom last night that maybe she should come live with us and get into a more stable environment (though lately it hasn't been very stable, but anything's better than where she is.) We're going to discuss it after spring break. I hope the intervention jolted it out of her.

I want... my parents to be parents.

I have... too much negativity in my life.

I regret... not being there for people when they needed me most.

I wish... I could stay young forever.

I love... Josh.

I hate... unecessary rudeness and sarcasm.

I miss... California and my childhood innocence.

I fear... solitude.

I hear... my prayers echoing in my head.

I search for... a way to not be disgusted with my actions.

I am thankful... for you.

I would change... my physical appearance.

I am glad... that I am healthy.

I need... some reassurance, a hug, and some genuine tender loving care.

I feel terrible about something. When good things happen to people close to me, I want to be there to share their joy and such. Not only was I not there for him, but I was completely non-receptive to everything. My mind and heart were closed because of a misunderstanding, and that revelation didn't go too well. Now it's all over and the hurt feelings are replaced by guilt.

This is so big... SO BIG. It's his step into a fantastic career. It's amazing, really. He deserves every bit of it. If I'm not mistaken, this means he'll be in Texas this fall no matter what. Coincidentaly, I'm supposedly getting a new car in the fall when college starts. I see the mileage racking now and I can't wait!


God answers prayers.