Waking up in an unfamiliar bed: really strange

Waking up to a very familiar face: really amazing

Since I don't really have a radio in my car, I spend my time thinking when I'm driving around. Today I was thinking about how many people hate their jobs and wish they were doing something else with their lives. I bet about 75% of the working class of America really don't enjoy doing what they do. I'm pretty scared that's going to be me one day.

I'm still having trouble figuring out what it is that I want to do. I have ideas and such, but pinpointing anything is a real challenge for me. My biggest fear is wasting time in college. Am I majoring in the right field here? Should I go business or teaching? I've had plan after plan, but my fickle bone keeps rattling. Previously my plan was to graduate in 3 years, do the alternative teaching bit, and then settle. Now I'm thinking going to sumer school to graduate early is a waste of time and energy also. Why settle for 12 hours in two summer terms when I can get at least 15 done during the long semesters? Plus, what about graduate school? A Master's Degree is a really nice thing to have.

Through it all one thing is for sure, I think I can pretty much work a 9-5 anywhere as long as I have that to come home to everynight. Now that I have this, I really want other's to have it too (thier own version of it of course.) Talk about "sharing the love."

Today after class I went to Town & Country to buy a cappicino. I noticed a really big black truck in the parking lot with a huge sticker on the back reading "HEMI." As I parked I also noticed that the people in and around the truck were all Marines. I parked my little Honda and headed for the entrance. That was when I heard the truck reving up like crazy. I turned to see what that was all about, and one of them was looking at me and said "How you doin'?" in that ridiculous fake italian accent. I was appalled. I was at loss for words so I just raised my eyebrows and went inside. What did they want from that, a girly giggle and a flirty smile? At first I felt bad for being rude because I'm a huge supporter of service men and I'm usually the person who sticks up for these guys. They then started reving up the "hemi" again more and more and I instantly lost my guilt. Do girls actually react positivly to that? If yes, what kind of girl could have such low self respect to go fo a guy who thinks they could use a machine a braun to attract you? Maybe I'm just a cruel heartless unappreciative b****, but honestly mister, I'm not impressed with your big truck and suave words. Have a little respect for a girl, huh?

Pain is essential to life.

When you lose someone you love , you feel your heart ache for a very long time. This is a true, real, physical pain. Your memories are then connected to your pain. Things you smell, songs you hear, sights you see, all trigger memories which then triggers your pain. You come to a realization though. They may have passed, but you're alive. You're alive and blessed with the option to keep on living.

Why do you think people say "pinch me" when they think they're dreaming? It brings you back to life. If we couldn't feel pain, we would have died off in the days of Eden. Young Cain says to young Abel, "Hey, go jump off that cliff. It'll be fun." Abel, knowing nothing of the fatality of the fall, would jump. There would've been no need for a murder later on in life, right?

So when the pain of heartache consumes you, you begin to feel everything. You're more alive than ever when you're in pain. It's the only time you know you're truly living. Pain is essential to life.

I was sitting in the Lighthouse one day and the song "You Always Say Goodnight" came on. I felt a rush of cold and then hot and then a complete mood change. It was like a memory was literally washing over me and sending me and my surroundings back to the past. I really saw and felt around this time one year ago. It was very surreal. The term surreal actually fits very appropriately here. I thought of the things that were going on in my life at that time, then I lost myself in my memories. When I finally came out of my trance and my world of today came back to me, I felt kind of sad. Day by day things keep getting harder and harder, but you've always got to look forward to something. The things I was looking forward a year ago I'm beginning to look forward to again. Things really do come full circle and you will be content with everything... eventually.

This is Elizabeth screaming:



OK.

So now I'm in College. College is really amazing. Seriously, I'm overjoyed to be here everyday even with all the Algebra homework and the History reading. Making the transition was suprisingly easy, just like moving from Edison to Central. The most ironic thing now is that I've seen Ashlin around campus more in these few days than I ever saw her in 3 years of high school. It was great, Monday morning the first person I run into is her. I even changed her schedule for her and we both call eachother in the mornings to make sure we got up for our 8:00 classes. It's wonderful.

No one ever meant to hurt anyone here. He never meant to hurt me. I was protecting him. I never meant to hurt him. The "R" word has absolutely nothing to do with it, that word isn't even in my vocabulary. I still don't know what words to say to prove that to you. It's just realizing that heart strings are stronger than the strongest steel and my heart is still firmly attatched, even though I thought I wasn't.

All I can offer you is I'm sorry, I'm sorry, a thousand times I'm sorry.

I thought a "me time" weekend would be beneficial to me figuring myslef out, but it's just proved to be more detrimental than helpful. Last night I spent an hour with my Bible and previous journals to help me out.


God give me grace.


"Be still, and know that I Am God..."
~Psalms 46:10

There are times when I get so frustrated I want to scream. This is one of those times. I wish I could figure myself out.

I'm just going to take a second and say wow. Only because I am at a total loss for any other words.

So it's my last night here with my darling baby cousin. I have to say I'm quite sad to have to leave a part of my family here. Ryan, Brandy, and Bryce are so much a part of me, it's so hard to let them go! I cried a lot tonight. My brother comforted me, but he cried as well. He moved out at 17 and I've seen him 4 times since then: Graduation, Wedding, Christmas '02, Summer '04. That's not enough for me, I love my brother! I remember he taught me basketball in our backyard in summer of 1997. He also taught me all I know about tennis, and I'm a bad ass tennis player. (it's my journal, I have bragging rights)

Family is way too important to me and if he and my nephew are here, then this is where I need to be. Of course, I'll finish ASU but I have to consider a career here. Family is SO important to me. I want to see his little league and soccer games (maybe he'll paly on the Kara Soccer Team, jsut one non-Kara) and be here to embarrass him in front of his girlfriend when I tell her I gave him a bath at 5 months. My brother and sisters are SO VERY important to me. I am blessed.

There are a few people I really want to know better. I want to know why they think the way they do, why they have certain manerisms, what they think about issues and such. I guess intimacy is really important to me, and who can you be more intimate with than your friends? No matter what, I always find that the people I know best still suprise me. And it's wonderful.

Why is it that people are scared of intimacy? A lot of stuff people talk about to eachother is just a lot of nothing, meaningless coversation. I mean, I want to ask and be asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" (because we only think we're grown up now, but there's a lot more coming) and "What are your dreams?" Even if we don't follow them, we still have dreams. I want to be a dancer. I bet you didn't know that. I also want to be a devoted house wife. I bet you didn't know that either.


Stuff has really been bothering me lately. I know I just graduated and it seems like we we're just launched into the future. Our future, the one we're going to create all on our own. I've had my sights set on ASU ever since I got my scholarship, and I've had my sights set on a communications degree since sophomore year. But do I really want that? Maybe I don't think it's going to challenge me or something, like I'm taking a cop out major.

I look at what other people are doing and I'm in awe. I mean, Mehmet is a biochemistry major. How awesome is that! And he's such a wonderful person to be around. Then there's Thinh, he's going to major in business, and work for Nintendo! Again, that's so awesome. I've spent enough time with him to know his dreams. And then Josh, who amazes me most. He's going to start a job in three weeks. A great job, too, one that some San Angeloans would really dream of. Look at what he's done in a year. Just jump up and go to another state leaving family, friends, and girlfriend behind to study Electrical Engineering at a wonderful university. He's done well for himself.

I'm scared. I can admit it. I don't know what I want, typical feeling of a teenager. For me, future planning is essential. Have you seen my planner? Knowing that I don't know what I'm doing scares the crap out of me.

Wow, looks like I needed to pour a lot of bottled up stuff out. I wish I had aim here because talking to people would really be nice right about now. Don't search this post for grammar mistakes. I know there are plenty and I already know I'm really bad at it so there's no use telling me. Why don't we start with the stuff that really matters, huh?

It got up to about 108 yesterday, and I loved it.

I didn't love the harassment over dinner yesterday. This has been a relentless struggle for weeks, but I can't help my feelings and they don't understand that. I knew I was gonna get a talkin-to by my brother, but I didn't realize how serious he was about it. I'm pretty defensive about it because it is my life and I choose what I choose.

I can't bare the 6 days left though. At least I can't wait to see him, but I'm not too sure how it is on the other end.

Oh yeah, and that "thing that came up", the "something's happened"... well, it won't go away. I've been hanging out with some pretty cool people lately and they make me feel amazing. It's amazing how it feels to spend time with people that really care about you.

OH MY GOSH, I HAVE THE CUTEST NEPHEW IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Seriously, no other baby even compares...

So I got here around 8:00 my time, 6:00 Pheonix time and met my brother in the airport. Driving on the highway through Pheonix I saw Sun Devil Stadium and fantasized about going to Arizona State like I planned when I was 10 years old. Not going to happen, but I'm a dreamer.

We pulled into the driveway and Brandi met us with the baby. Bryce has got my brother's everything, but his mother's big bright blue eyes. His smile is huge and he giggles when you blow on his stomach. I love babies... I want like 7 or 12 or something. After wathcing him play for a while we all gave him a bath and fed him, then put him to bed. After that, we all got into the awesome pool they have in their back yard and swam for a really long time. Pheonix weather is REALLY hot, but it's a dry heat so it's manageable. It was about 80 degrees outside at 10:00, then it started raining. Huge cold wet drops falling all around us in the pool. Wouldn've been really romantic in the right company, but there I go again being a hopeless romantic. The hot tub was quite enjoyable, too. Just think, in a few months I'll have one of my own! (well, sharing with Ashlin and Lauren of course.)

Now it's 1:30 am according to my body clock, so sleep is much needed. I feel really terrible though, my sinus infection is killing me! My ears still haven't popped from the plane ride so I guess that shot didn't exactly help anything.

Brandi is a really cool sister-in-law. She's going to take us shopping at the Chandler Fasion Center tomorrow, so that should be great. I've saved a little money for school clothes, but I doubt I'll get anything these city folk call "fashionable." I want a new pair of reef sandals and a new pair of chucks. That's all. Haha, walking around here with nothing but a bikini is awesome.

Now once again, something's happened. I've been hanging out with some really cool people lately and it's put me on a huge emotional high that I don't want to wear off. Thanks for all the fun, don't ever let it stop. This is the happiest I've been in weeks!

What a freakin' crazy day. A rather big unexpected suprise showed up on my doorstep and I don't have a clue as to who sent it or why. I really really don't like the looks of it, though.

Happy Belated Birthday,  Blog.

So the same thing happens everynight. I get in around 12 or 1, read for an hour, and then force myself into the dark trying to fall asleep.  Camomile tea usually knocks me out, but no more. Something's come up. There's no hope for sleep right now... I'm thinking too damn much.

I am furious with myself.

I constantly find myself getting bullied into things that I don't want to do. I end up just going along with it to make whoever it is happy, while I act like I'm having a great time. There's this one person that gets me everytime all the time and I'm furious about it. Of course not at them, but at me because I'm the one that just won't stick up for myslef. GRRRRRrrrrrrrr. It happened to me tonight, but I swear I will be defiant next time. I swear it.

I lied. I do feel something for it. I realized today that the days are numbered in the teens and my stomache lurched with anticipation. I was suprised at myself, I haven't felt the butterflies in a while. This is a good sign.

Twelve hour shift + lack of gas + being really tired = didn't go to Dan's party
 
The fact that everyone was drunk there by the time I got off work didn't exactly make me very enthused about going. I had been planning it all week, but when Thinh mentioned the possibility of boose, I hesitated. The fact that I'm an 18 year old who backed out of a party that had alcohol makes me a huge pansy... or maybe not. I don't feel comfortable around people who are drinking, and I don't think I ever will. The way Thinh turns red, the way Lauren's eyes flash, the way Nick goes limp, the way Juston laughs uncontrolably, I just can't help but hate seeing my friends like that. What is the point of it anyway?
 
21 days doesn't seem so far way... but then again it looks way far off. I don't even feel anyhting for it anymore.