I really do like my job, especially since I've experienced others that are worse. It's just the little things that irk me, like th fact that he never posts the schedule the same time every week and how we opened with 20 employees and now have 8 and we're all still getting 12 hours a week.

Thank you, Bailey Browder for your persuasive skills and thank you Mrs. Mckinney for being easily persuaded. Our test on 1984 is now on Monday, so I can actually READ the book now as opposed to skimming it w/spark notes. I'm on page forty-something and it's really good. Dystopias give me the creeps.

I had a very weird weekend. Not that weird things happened, just that I had a very weird feeling all weekend. Unfortunately it all started with UIL, and I don't know why I let all that stupid stuff bother me so much. Maybe because last week I was an emotional wreck and it seemed like everything was amplified. At work Saturday night I felt so unstable and I REALLY needed someone to talk to, but of course being at work didn't exactly give me a chance to do that. When there was some down time, I ended up "talkng" to Josh through this 3 page letter. I wrote him 3 pages on why everything was bothering me and how I felt about things. I don't think I'm going to send it though, it looked to me like whinning after I read through it. It was just nice to vent, even if it was in a letter that I'll never send. It was almost like he was listening, but in reality had no idea anyhting was wrong. Writing is probably the best way for me to let out feelings, I see that now and I need to do it more often. It all comes down to me having an identity crisis that has gone on since the beginning of the summer. Of course every teenager goes through it, so that just means I'm normal. Senior year is an emotional roller coaster... you turn 18, you decide what college you want to go to, you prepare for college and leaving home... it's jsut really hard on the psychie. Of course, the former 2 things I mentioned I'm not even going through, though I wish I was. But it all boils down to how you view yourself and appreciating yourself, something I need to work on. So loving others helps you to love yourself, which helps you to love others more. It's a win win situation. That Jesus fellow had this mastered.


And I must say Thank You.

I just got back from Abilene. I competed in the UIL Current Events thingy and Literary Critizism. Both were very difficult and I hate myself for signing up for it. Surrounded by all those people competing I just kept feeling like I DID NOT belong at all. I mean, is there anything that I'm actually good at, instead of just mediocre? After the tests I was sitting there thinking about what my fortes are, trying to comfort my own broken spirit. I couldn't think of anything. Maybe I should change that.

Well, my friend's brother committed suicide two days ago. What is it with this lately? I don't even know what to think about Josh and Kevin. Those bastards should get the same treatment. I just want to scream! I didn't see the video, and I don't want to. I know I'd be sick. In the words of the anonymous guy on Daniel's phone, what the fsck!

I took a really hard economics essay test today. I've about had it with school. I'm ready to get my butt out of there already. Graduation can't come too soon. Even though I'm accepted to ASU and I've been planning to go there since forever, there's a little part of me that wants to do something really drastic. Like save a whole bunch of money and just leave Texas and not come back. Of course I'll never have the guts to do it, but it's fun to think about. Maybe I'll just be a stuardess so I can travel. Apparently it's considered the second sexiest occupation, second only to Nurses and Doctors. Whatever. I'll be done in 2 months and Amber and I can stop complaing about Central and start whinning about ASU.

National Honors Society Ceremony tonight. Joy joy joy. I'll be sure to use a lot of hairspray to increase me chances of my hair catching on fire. Yay!

I found out some really bad news yesterday that affected me deeply. Someone VERY close to me was checked into a Psychiatric Ward on "Suicide Observation." Apparently she's been cutting for months now and hears voices that tell her to do things. She cut herself deeper than usual the other day, and was sent away yesterday. I grew up with her, Easters, Thanksgivings... Anniversarys... Weddings... Birthdays. I don't understand. I don't understand how someone can just change like that and all of this sudden want to end their life. Everyone has hard times... EVERYONE. But some problems affect people more than they would other people. I know some of her problems, and I don't think I would be able to handle them either, but suicide? I told my mom last night that maybe she should come live with us and get into a more stable environment (though lately it hasn't been very stable, but anything's better than where she is.) We're going to discuss it after spring break. I hope the intervention jolted it out of her.

I want... my parents to be parents.

I have... too much negativity in my life.

I regret... not being there for people when they needed me most.

I wish... I could stay young forever.

I love... Josh.

I hate... unecessary rudeness and sarcasm.

I miss... California and my childhood innocence.

I fear... solitude.

I hear... my prayers echoing in my head.

I search for... a way to not be disgusted with my actions.

I am thankful... for you.

I would change... my physical appearance.

I am glad... that I am healthy.

I need... some reassurance, a hug, and some genuine tender loving care.

I feel terrible about something. When good things happen to people close to me, I want to be there to share their joy and such. Not only was I not there for him, but I was completely non-receptive to everything. My mind and heart were closed because of a misunderstanding, and that revelation didn't go too well. Now it's all over and the hurt feelings are replaced by guilt.

This is so big... SO BIG. It's his step into a fantastic career. It's amazing, really. He deserves every bit of it. If I'm not mistaken, this means he'll be in Texas this fall no matter what. Coincidentaly, I'm supposedly getting a new car in the fall when college starts. I see the mileage racking now and I can't wait!


God answers prayers.