I fear the day when I actually have to talk about everything. Then I'll be forced to say everything I'm thinking when I'm being quiet.

I'm trying so hard to make all of this work, but there are pieces missing and that's what hurts the most.

I'm looking at this as a growing experience and plan to be mindful of everything. From this point on I have to see things as they really are and not what I would romanticize them to be.

Things are what they seem and time changes nothing.

Oh, Boy Scout Camp. How I love to get away...

Sick... tired... and crying. Welcome home, E.

I'm going to bed for 23987128371 days.

I'm sad.


I'm aprehensive about camp and I don't know if it was a good decision to go this year.

I have been looking into getting into the dorms for a while with the ultimate goal of becoming a Resident Assistant (A job consisting of being in charge of a floor and getting a huge discount on the price of room and board) The problem is you have to have 1 year of community living to qualify, which I only have through a couple summers of living at a boy scout camp. I went to the director of the Residence life office to ask some questions and she said that the summer camp living would qualify me, but all the positions were filled. She also suggested that I apply anyway just in case someone drops out of the position during the summer. So I did and I turned in the application on Tuesday. Wednesday, I get a call and a request for an interview. Thursday, I go to the interview and am given the information that a position had opened up in Massie. It was a short, yet potentialy life changing interview. I now am the new RA for the 2nd floor of Massie and I couldn't be more thrilled to move out of my house.

What this means is for about $350 a month, I get a private room in Massie and a good meal plan, not to mention basic cable, wireless internet access, refridgerator, and microwave. In addition to that, I get paid $6.65 an hour and am garunteed 20 hrs a week. I also get to continue doing the LOGOS lunch and Student Government and my flag intructing at Grape Creek.

It all happened really fast. I move in on the 15th, the day after I get back from San Francisco. I'm going to probably need some help, so those of you with big cars and helping hearts be listening for me. I thank God for all of this... it's almost too good to be true.

RECAPITULATION - English 2324.030

Wow, I'm really going to miss this class. I've never had a professor tear up about the last day of class. He said we were definately in the top 5 of his favorite classes of all time, and he's been teaching for 20 some odd years. This year he won the Texas Coligiate Outstanding Professor Award, which meant lots of honor and lots of money. He deserved every penny of it.

I've never liked English. At Central it was always the class that brought down my GPA and I always regreted going to. Though I didn't know it at the time, those 3 English G/T classes would prove to be the most beneficial classes out of my entire public schooling. (Info: though I learned a lot about literature, I still have trouble with grammar and spelling as you have read in my blog for almost 2 years) It turns out, Mrs. Underwood was taking Dr. Ellery's American Lit at the time I was enrolled in her strand of American Lit at Central. When I took Dr. Ellery, I recognized some of the things that Mrs. Underwood had tought us. Essentialy, I'd already heard a lot of his opinions of the books and stories from her.

I think my favorite work in that class was The Awakening by Kate Chopin. I liked the fact the she was a strong woman and though I didn't agree with the adultry committed, I enjoyed the tragic romance of her and Robert. I liked how she defied her husband with her actions and her way of just saying "No" to things she didn't agree with. She had been a caged bird for a long time and treated like a posession for most of her life. After her eleged awakening, she began questioning her roll and defying the conformity of the time. Wow, I loved that. One of my biggest fears is being a caged bird... Edna is an inspiration. (Though I know I'd never go off and commit adultry, that's just something to read about)

So that was my favorite work, among many. "The May-pole of Merry Mount" (Hawthorne) was another good one along with "Rip Van Wrikle" (Irving). Ben Franklin's "Autobiography" was awesome. He has a ton af wonderful adages that totaly stimulate your mind. I remember reading that and being so intrigued, it just pulled you in. How can an autobiography do that? It's interesting to think of what the world would be like if we actually followed some of his principles stated in his books. It's even more interesting to think about if everyone actually followed the Bible...

Anyway, a few of the adages are "Don't put off till tomorrow what you can accomplish today" and "Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." I know you've heard them, but have you practiced them? Try it, it could lead to something life-changing. Haha, I tell you this though I've never tried it. This is all from a guy who was raised a Christian, refuted it and became a Diest, then proved Christianity to himself. Ha, again, if only others would follow his example. (not go against Christianity, but investigate it and find out why you believe it!)

All in all, that class was great and I learned myriad of new things and sharpened some old things. Mrs. McKinney, Mrs. Davis, and Mrs. Underwood did very well when teaching me all this stuff in high school.

New developments have come up. Right now I am having a very hard time deciding whether or not I'm going to live on campus . I have a the means to do so, but that would take away from my car money. So the thing is deciding between a decent car or the convenience of campus life. Also, I just got invited to be the hostess for LOGOS Lunch on Friday's at the BSM. This along with Student Senate, my job, and the Flag instructor thing is going to make my Sophomore year quite a year. On the bright side, it will all keep my mind off of Josh being away.

I feel really bad for my little sister. When I was a sophomore, I was friends with a lot of seniors. I was going to go to prom with Noe, but I decided on Darby. Darby then stood me up a week before Prom, so I ended up going with Matt Miller my sophomore year. It was great! Besides the whole getting pulled over for the first time part. Anyway, so my sister is really wanting to go to prom and she doesn't have a date. I'm even going to prom and I'm a freshman in college! So my goal for the next two days is to find someone for her to go with that is not taking her out of pitty, but out of fun. She just wants to dance!

I've been dreaming. Dreaming really odd things about people I know now in places I haven't been in years. I recently dreamt about a certain person and now I am acting differntly towards them. I act how I acted toward this person in my dream. I'm letting my relationship with this person be affected by what happened in my brain while I was unconcious. I can't go back to the way it was before because this encouneter feels so real and you can't just erase experiences from the brain (even though it didn't happen) This is completly bogus. I wish I wouldn't have had that dream at all. How and why does something like this happen? Dreaming can be detrimental to relationships sometimes. At least in the case where I can't overcome the occurance and treat it as what it was exactly: a dream.

Today is March 23rd. Josh and I have been dating for one year and eight months.

Just to inform everyone how my math is working now, I'm not counting the 2 two week incriments that I broke up with him, went off the deep end, and hurt people very much.

This blog holds my precious memories of his heartbreaking departures and joyous returns, our times of delight and saddness, and my many wrong assumptions. I'm actually pretty glad I kept this blog after evryone has pretty much abandoned theirs. There was no way I could let this thing go, I turned to this every night that summer. Heck, this blog was one of my desperate attempts to spend time with him. Of course, I didn't know how to set this thing up on my own but I couldn've asked any one of my friends to help. Nope, I had to ask Josh.

Josh is one of those enigma type guys. Thinh and Daniel would always say "he's a closed book" or "he's a robot" whenever we would try to figure out what he thought about something but wasn't saying it. He's one of those mysteries I wish I could be. I wish I could be mysterious, but I think you can read every emotion on my face and see every feeling by my body. Anyway, Josh and I complement eachother very well. I feel perfect when I'm around him, even after all these months. I'll still be saying that 50 years from now too.

Future Elizabeth: "I feel perfect when I'm around him, even after all these years."

SXSW 2005

Day One

Josh and I left for Austin about 12:00pm on Wednesday. The drive there was really mellow and peaceful. I've made that drive quite a bit in the last few years, mainly alongside Josh.. We made it to Mono and I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness, both of which were pretty freakin cool. The first band was a group of Asian instrumental rockers who were scheduled for a show with Explosions in the Sky the following day. After the show, Josh and I headed for Chuy's on Riverside. I love their chips, so yummy. We got to my cousin's house around 9 or so and got settled there. My cousin has a huge "game" room that posesses a foosball table and a projector for movies and games. It's awesome. We played Sega Soccer Slam (where Josh kicked our butts) and SSX 3 (which is my new favorite game, but I suck at it). Due to my massive headache, we headed to bed around mid-night.

Day Two

We woke up around 9 and had fresh coffee waiting for us because my cousin rules. Thinh, Juston, Amber, and Dan were on their way in from SA. Juston called me asking if I was on my rag, and unfortunately I was... along with Amber. So 100% of the females on the trip were riding the crimson wave. We met up with them at their hotel and headed for the streets of Austin. We made it to Emo's in time to see The Stars whom I enjoyed very much. Right before Pedro the Lion went on, I started to feel really queesy, then I got tunnel hearing, and then minor blackout vision. I recovered for a short time, then it happened again. I guess they were fainting spells, so I made my way put of the crowd to the bleachers to get some fresh air. I was there for about 10 minutes and felt worlds better. I made my way back up to the front just before they went on and it was great. So Dan was right, besides the fainting spells, the shpw was great. Josh and I left early to head to The Church of the Friendly Ghost to see Jennifer Gentle, but we had only a vague idea of where it was. We must've walked a good 15 blocks trying to find it, but we never did. Darn it all. We ate at Schlotzky's on Congress and met up with everyone else after that. By the way, the new Whole Foods is amazing! Later that night we met the Nintendo DS Street Team, who happened to be named Josh and Matt. Because Josh and I had our DS's out, we got free shirts and our pictures taken for headquarters. Thinh and Dan got free shirts because they rocked at Double Dash, more pictures were taken. I think the DS Street Team was the highlight of the trip. We went to Coco's for some food and tapioca bullets and Josh spit on a Catholic church. The arcade was next, and this time Chris and Lindsay met up with us. Juston accidently offended a homeless mexican and he cussed and yelled at us as he walked down the street. Soon after, Josh and I headed back to my cousin's.

Day Three

Josh, Thinh, Dan, and I headed for the Mall pretty early. I shopped and I guess they just walked around. We headed for Stubb's at noon to meet up with Josh and Matt. This time they gave us Nintendo hats. To our suprise we also met Carlos from RETRO who asked us our opinion of the new Metroid. I was like, are you kidding me? A guy who actually worked on this game is asking us how we liked it? I had to talk up the Multiplayer because it's so much fun (well, it's only fun when Josh and Justin Taylor aren't kicking my butt) After that we headed for Guadalupe and some shopping at Urban Outfitters. We finally met up with everyone else and went back to the motel for some much needed rest and stock up on feminine products. When dinner time hit, I went for Jimmy John's and everyone else hit up Coco's. If you ever go to Coco's on Guadalupe, get the Chicken Lo Mein > amazing. Shortly after we headed again for the DS street team and this time we all got visors and a Link pin. We gave them our e-mail addresses and they promised to contact us when they're going to be in Texas again. They also busted out a video camera and interviewed Amber and I. Yep, those guys were pretty cool. I guess after we left they finally got to play Thinh and Dan at Double Dash. Josh and I headed home after that. It was long drive for Josh practically alone, because I always fall asleep on the way home. I guess he found a way to keep me awake because he got me talking about planets and space in Brady and then BAM! we were in San Angelo. All in all the trip was pretty amazing. The group we had was a lot of fun and... I love Josh.

This trip really can't compare to last years because it was so different from the company to the weather. Both were a lot of fun though. I'll have MY pictures up later, I just wanted to tell about the trip now before I forget it.

Things have been phenominal. Absolutely perfect now that he's around. My life is on a steady incline since my dip into dispair at the beginning of the year and I think it's at it's peak right now. Wow, I can't belive it's already halfway through March. Now all I have to wait for is April, May, June, then July and I'll get to see him again! My word, this is tricky. I'm so glad he's home though.

When he's home, I'm home.

There have been some pretty crapy things happening for me and some pretty awesome things happening for me.

So about the third week of school I decided to go to the BSM and check it out. JoAnna has been enouraging me to do so ever since I started ASU. There I formaly met Tiffany Paige, who is in 4 of my 6 classes. Turns out we have SO much in common besides our calsses: same major, formerly flagline captains, christian, even the same exact TV. It's weird, but we're really good friends now.

Also at the BSM, I was seen by Brent Hastings who introduced himself to me about a week later in the UC. He stopped and talked to me for a while and said that he had seen me at the BSM and such. I saw him often around campus for about two weeks, then this job started. On a mail run for my new job I stopped in the UC and at the Student Government table picked up an application for the Student Senate. He happened to be walking past (because the table was right in front of the Senate's office) and said "You're interensted in Student Senate?!" It just so happens he's the Student Body Vice President. He's been helping me and giving me a lot of advice on how to get involved. He wants me to go to the meetings to make sure his ParlyPro is correct and is introducing me to the rest of the senators. I knew a few of them from class, but this whole situation is looking up. Elections will start up in April, lets hope this goes a lot better than last year's student body elections.

I have this really nice new job and I'm loving my Ballet class. My boyfriend is coming home in 4 days and I couldn't be more excited. This break has been exceptionaly bad for me. So I'm trying to focus on the blessings in my life rather than the bad stuff. Well, HE is a blessing. When I'm with him, I'm beaming. My friends are my blessings... my scholarship is a blessing... the BSM is a blessing, my nephew is a blessing. No matter how bad stuff is with my job, money, my parents, I really am blessed.

One of the Ten Commandments in the Bible is "honor thy father and thy mother." I am afraid I am guilty of this sin about 10 fold. Quite frankly, I really can't stand my parents. Many of you know the situation, but it gets worse everyday. To some of you (my infinate number of readers) it may look like I complain a lot also, but it's my blog I'll cry if I want to.

I fell like I'm always between a rock and a hard place with my mother. She seems to remind me everyday about how much I am like my father, the man who ruined her life, and that I need to be a nicer person. It's hard to be nice to her when all she does is complain to me about... me. There's no way to please that woman. I'm sick of talking to people about it, and I'm sure they're sick of hearing it so here's to blogging...

Last weekend my older sister came into town along with two of her Air Force buddies, Amber and Kera (who was pregnant.) Basically, I completely lost my room for the weekend. We all went out to lunch as a group and the girls were talking about how great it was to get out of high school and join the Air Force. My mom commented on how successful they are and said in my direction "Better than going to college and living at home, right?" I kid you not, I'll never forget the arrangement of those words. They all laughed and agreed. I felt like dying in my chair right then and there. I guess the only way I'll be successful according to my mother is joining the Air Force and getting knocked up, not going to college in pursuit of a career. Ok, I can handle that.

Then there's my dad. Won't pay child support and illegaly transeferred the title of a '69 bug out of my mother's name and into his after we moved to Texas. Now that my mother is taking away my car in July to give to Anne, my dad is trying to get me the bug from San Francisco to either sell or drive for myself. Simultaneously, my mother is trying to get me to manipulate my dad into getting the bug here, saying that I would drive it, but she inteds to sell it for herself when it/if it does get here. Talk about being in the middle.

There are a myriad of stories like this. Honestly, I find it hard to honor my father and mother.

Something about Phantom of the Opera just stood out to me like crazy the other day. I saw the movie last Saturday and I didn't cry at all while watching it. It happened only later when I was listening to the soundtrack that the words and music, without the amazing visuals, was what truly moved me. The actual emotion in the arrangement of the notes drove a few of my senses crazy.

I'm not usually prone to cry, I went an entire year without sheading a tear. Though, or some reason lately I've had a heightened sense to do so. This is not the only musical that I've cried at, when I saw Les Miserables at the State Thespian Conferrence I did so also. It wasn't the acting, or the lights or set... it was just the power of the music. I've been exposed to pretty powerful music ever since I was a very young girl living in San Francisco and it was an annual event to attend The Nutcracker Ballet. I was mezmirized. I think I still am because I've got this undying passion for classical music.

Another semester starts tomorrow and I hope it goes as fast as the last one. There are a few things I wish to change about this one though.

Go to church. I really want to actually get involved in the University Group at my church. I'm only apprehensive because they have already established their cliques (it happens to all of them). Yesterday I dreaded going to church and that is never a good sign, so that shows me I need get my relationship straight.

Get more involved. Not only in church as I stated before, but in school activities. April tryouts for Angelettes? Perhaps, probably not, but a thought. There is no reason why I shouldn't go out for student government or something like it. JoAnna keeps telling me to pledge the Christian girls soroirity, but I don't think I'm a sorority type, even a Christian one.

Meet new people. I met very few people last semester, BAD SIGN. I was closed off and cynical last semester, and I fear I'm entering this one the same way. Play nice with the kids, Elizabeth.

So Josh started class today. I pray everything is going well for him today.

I'd give anything to be there with him right now, but I know this is for the best. No matter how hard it is, the distance is good for us both. This way we can each focus on our studies and not be distracted be eachother. Though I fear my desire to write e-mails, send letters, and call him more than makes up for the time I'd spend with him. Nope, nevermind, scratch that. Really, the distance is good when we're both focusing on school. Soon enough we'll be together.

On a side note, I have an interview with Glenn Junior High today. Hopefully I'll be hired as a counselor's clerk. I try not to get my hopes up with such things because I don't want to be let down, but I can't help but really want this. You would too if it was a choice between this and SITEL!

I wish every girl was as blessed as I. The security of being with the man I know I'm going to marry is so calming. I dont' have to worry about my future because with him I know I'll be fine. I feel safe, secure, proud, and very happy. No words can describe this, it's impossible to put on paper. But the best things are always indescribable.

And to think 5 months ago, I almost gave it all up.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday, Christmas naturally being my first. I love it. I really like being with my family. If I haven't emphasized it enough, family is really REALLY important to me. Thanksgiving is one of the only times when I get to see my Aunt and Uncle from Arizona, and my Aunt and Uncle (sadly) from San Angelo. Not to mention my cousin, and this year he's bringing his new wife!

Tonight was really bittersweet. Krista is in town, so I left my friends at the Lighthouse early. I came home to an empty house. I've been pretty emotional and sensitive lately and it seems like everything (including being yelled at in jest) makes want to break down and cry. Well, with this I guess the build up of my stresses, the house thing, and probably something to do with Flo, I started crying.

When everyone finally did come home after about an hour, Krista, Anne, my mother, and myslef ended up in Anne's room listening to the Garden State soundtrack. It was good having the "girls" together again. We really only listened to the soundtrack for one song, "Blue Eyes." It was played at my sister's friend's funeral. His sister picked it out for him, along with a few other memorable ones like "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" which was the song of his graduating year. I can't even imagine anyone close to me dying, much less my brother or sister! If you don't know the story of Brandon and the stabbings, ask me later. I can't write that all here. It was my sister's friend, Kristen's brother. He was murdered October 19 of this year. Now Kristen is the only child left of the 4 in the family. Her younger brother, Jeremy, died in March 2003 from a freak four-wheeling accident. Her oldest brother died when she was 4, from a freak motorcycle accident, and her dad died of a heart-attache when she was 6. Needless to say, her mother and her have been through a lot and please pray for them this Thanksgiving.

After we were all teary-eyed from that we moved onto a more personal, yet similar experience or ours. We started talking about Christian. I was only 13 when he died and it's really hard to think about "if" he had lived. I would have a 5 year-old nephew to teach baseball to. My sister was only 17, but she was still his mother. I can't imagine the grief she felt, I don't remember really seeing it because I was going through my parent's divorce and my dad leaving. She talked tonight about how when she dreams of him, she's always trying to save him from something like an illness or danger. My God, it hurts to imagine me loosing a child like that. I see Krista now in the Air Force and it's hard to believe what we all went through that year.

Those events, along with some other events today, made me cry a gallon of tears. I'm not sad about anything really, just scared and confused with some traces of numbness. In 10 hours I have Thanksgiving to share with Josh and his family, then later Josh (hopefully) and my family. I'm trying to forget everything that has happened to me within the past few months, and be truely thankful for the life I do have and the someone special I share it with.

Wow... dealing with this is actually really hard. It just seems like every long term thing I plan on falls apart terribly. For the past two years I've been planning on living in this wonderful house with Ashlin. We planned everything, I picked out the kitchen floor, my bathroom colors, my room carpet, the theme in our kitchen. I even got us a microwave. It all looked so promising, but a month before we moved in it all went to pieces (by means completely out of our control.) Two years of work and planning all shot to hell.

Then this other wonderful opportunity presents itself: 4play House. My 3 best girlfriends and a huge house, all for the price a little out of my reach. I may have looked like a total baby, crying for hours that night, but I knew I couldn't live on a unsteday, unreliable $30 left over after bills a month. If there's one thing I've learned in 19 years on this earth it's life is totally unpredictable and throws suprises (mostly bad suprises) all the time. I mean, two years of planning a house out the window! I hate it. I hate it so much that I can't live the way I want to live. I want to be in that house more than anything right now. I guess no one really knows how much this is all affecting me. I can't bring myself to go back to that house. I haven't been there since Lauren showed us that night and I imagined my perfect little bedroom... all on my own... away from my owners. I really am happy for them, they're going to have so much fun! I hear their packing stories but can't help wishing it were me looking for boxes and trucks. It's everything a college girl could ever want and I'm watching it happen. I know it looks like I may be victimizing myself, but I'm just so dissapointed about this. I tell myself I can work hard and get my own apartment soon, but I know with buying a car that's not going to happen for a really long time. Plus, I recently got layed off so I'm currently seeking other employment. It's so disheartening. I guess the only thing I can say about my underlying feelings of this week is utterly and completely crushed.