Edwardian Era love

15 years ago, a little girl fell in love with the movie Titanic and all the class issues, scandal, fashion, and Leonardo DiCaprio that came with it. A fellow teacher friend advised me to check out Downton Abbey and, my, I didn't realize what I was missing. I can't begin to describe my love affair with this series.

Johnson City 1.1.12

things my roomie says

Some of the logic that comes from my roommate makes me fear for humanity. The following incident happened while we were looking for a new car for her (by which she is looking at only "gold" and "green" CR-Vs, no carfax nor consumer reports nor customer reviews).

Her logic:

Elizabeth: I really think the Honda CR-V's are rated a lot higher and are much more reliable than that Ford.

Roomie: I know that...but the Ford has that cool number button locks on the handles!

I rest my case.

just click refresh

There is a lot of "new" going on right now. Generally I like it, but with new comes a little fear. FEAR is kind of taking hold at the moment. I just applied for my Ph.D. because it has always been a dream of mine and I know I have a passion for higher education. If nothing else, I have a firmer grasp on what I know I love doing as a vocation: college. Now if only I could get paid to do it! We'll just have to see how this goes. I guess I will find out in March sometime, maybe after. Here's hoping! Dreaming... My biggest fear is staying where I am right now. My current position (and recent situations) very nearly ended me. There is a lot more out there, I know, but it's always very clouded and a bit difficult to see.

Whatever the future...I cant keep doing what Im doing now.

"One day I'll flay away

Leave all this to yesterday.,

Why live life from dream to dream

And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day, i'll fly away.

Fly, fly away."

Deming family Turkey Trot

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V-Day at my campus

I called he local VFW and secured a speaker for my students for Veterans Day. This guy has SO many cool artifacts! I'm geeking out right now, I LOVE military paraphernalia.

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Out of Sight, Out of Mind

I'm forcing myself to change the way I think about how things really are compared to how I wish they were. Things are what they really are...and I'm out of sight, out of mind. I have to get used to nights like this and have no expectations. 

A little San Francisco with my San Marcos

A coffee sleeve at the Coffee Pot in San Marcos had an advertisement for the San Franciaco Academy of Arts and Sciences. Made me miss San Francisco even more. I really hope I get a chance to get back home this Christmas. Union Square at Cristmastime is an amazing sight.

lost

I lost my faith. I want it back.

bright side darkened

Things looked slightly brighter yesterday... then I found out something that recently happened and I'm almost over the edge again.

Holy shit. It actually happened.

caught

My principals called me into a meeting today to ask me about my weight loss. They say that some of my peers noticed a drastic change and they know I don't really eat lunch. They're wondering if there is a problem, there is some concern.

I just said I've been training for my triathlons.

What I can't tell them is the situation with work, my relationship, and my future has me SO stressed I can hardly eat food, much less keep it down. It's hard to eat when NOTHING feels appetizing and meals feel like an afterthought. I am withering, and people noticed.

still the same: no improvement

I don't want to come home. What I want is a good undertow.

christmas eve

I wish even Christmas was enough to keep me wanting to still be here. But I don't, and I don't know how to change that.

I don't want to be here anymore.

terrified

I'm constantly living in fear. Fear that this is going to last forever, fear that I'll never feel happy again. Fear of never liking a job and always living a dread. I'm in the middle of a raging sea of dread and doubt and all I can do at night is beg God for some direction.

"You were faithful before, you'll be faithful again" says the song on KLOVE right now. I want so badly for that to be so. I want some peace in my life.

Please please pray for me. I'm desperate, I can't do this alone and I want to believe I will get through this. I'm not convinced, but I want to believe it!

plummeting

Everyday it gets better, but also gets worse. I'm trying really hard to make things better and my family and friends are helping... but I'm hurting SO bad still. It's a numbing pain that doesn't cease. I haven't eaten much in months. Today I got half a yogurt down before I got nausious. Believe me, that's an improvement.

God, I'm desperate.

"good" days

My life is an absolute joke. I have no purpose here. Usually life is pretty joyous, speckled by moments of sadness. My life has been misery speckled by moments of joy yielding into more misery when those moments are over.

I don't feel amazing. I feel pathetic, and small, and useless, and stupid, and incapable, and worthless.

I try so hard to force myself to have a "good" day, but I still manage to cry everyday. EVERYDAY, even twice or three times a day. It's a "good" day if I don't think about the unthinkable. That's about how I measure it. I hide it as best I can, but I can only hide it so long. This has been going on since July. How much longer can it last!!! I can't take it anymore. It's horrible.

waking

I wake up every morning with my heart beating, palms sweating, and nearly out of breath. When I realize it's 6:15 and it's time to get up, I feel the rush of anxiety all over my body. The adrenaline starts in my stomach and surges down to my toes and finger tips until I am consumed. Initially it feels the same as when I'm excited to see someone, like when I came home from Europe and couldn't wait to see Daniel and when I crossed the stage at graduation, e.g. butterflies. After that initial feeling, it takes a wretched turn for the worst and brings pain with it. This isn't excitement, it is fear, pain... dread.

Then I roll over and see Daniel beside me most mornings. When I see that moppy head of curls, I am reminded things could be so much worse. I could be completely alone here. I could have no job to go to. I could've had to move back to San Angelo. But I didn't, and I do have a job that I have to go to, no matter the pain in my stomach and the anxiety in my chest. I hear in my head his words saying "It's going to be okay, you'll be fine." So I kiss that warmth beside me and roll myself out of bed and try to get ready for the day.

Now, sometimes on the mornings I don't have Daniel beside me the pain is 10x worse and it takes me twice as long to get up. This in itself, is a huge problem. I can't have him next to me every morning. I can't expect him to stay over every night. He has his own home, his own place to sleep. Other mornings I'm okay and can get myself out the door with less trouble. But I need to be able to handle this on my own. I need something more solid to stand on. I feel like I'm sinking in mud and am struggling to walk. I've never felt this way before.

This happens to me every morning, which is why I fear going to sleep for the fear of waking up.

I may not love my life or living right now, but I do love the people in it. But someday I want to want to live my life for myself again.

what doesn't kill you...

I'm not dead, but that might feel better. I'm just the weakest I've EVER been.

I'm trying though, I really am. I still get out of bed every morning, though I don't want to. I still go to work, and I still eat a little... I've alive, but definitely NOT living. I think I've turned into one of those empty-shell people. The one's you meet in life and you just see the shadows under their eyes and ask yourself "What the heck happened to you along the way?" I'm one of them now.

I'm usually pretty good at finding some sort of optimism in times of distress and I've always been able to pull myself up and out of it, but this time it's way different. I'm not just stuck, I'm trapped. I have no way out until sometime in June, but even then, where can I possibly go? My sister is likely moving to Austin. I have NO idea where my boyfriend will be. I can't do what I'm doing now for another year or two, I know it's just not a possibility.

It's very scary being in such a dark place. So dark that some dreams/nightmares I've been having seem like such a relief if they would just come true. I can't get myself to type the rest of what I'm saying here. I thought I'd be able to handle this better. I thought I'd be stronger. I thought I was a good girlfriend. I can't think of any redeeming qualities I even have left anymore. I'm really a shell of who I used to be and I don't foresee getting out of that state. I don't know how!

expectations and reality

I feel as if I've hit a wall. I don't really know what I'm doing here anymore. "Here" kind of applies to everything... here in San Marcos, here with my education and job, here. What am I doing here? I have no purpose. I thought I had a purpose, but in the end words are just words and they don't mean anything.

I used to have a purpose, I thought I had a purpose. Though, now I'm graduated with 2 degrees and in a profession that I don't feel I belong in. I feel I could have gotten through it okay with the right support, but I don't know what's right for me. I'm pretty sick of just being the on the side.

"Sometimes time doesn't heal, no, not at all." -Jack Johnson

I think I'm falling again and it hurts.