"I leave the party at 3am, alone thank God." Neko Case

I was forced on an unexpected trip 200 miles across Texas and it blew my mind.

Why does summer always have to be synonymous with confusion for me? It's like free time hits and I finally have a chance to think about personal life stuff that has accumulated in my mind over the school year. Yet, thinking implies really assessing the situation and figuring out what it is I really want. Well, not figuring it out (I know EXACTLY what I want) but knowing if it is really possible or am I just dreaming it up?

I found some appropriate, already released lyrics!

"Woke up this morning to nothing I recognized
Everything changed and I never saw it coming
Now there are 5 billion disappointed souls
scrapping around in my disappointed mind"
Jupiter Sunrise, September Girl

I can't sleep. I have so much to say but no time to say it. My mind is racing 100 miles a minute.

What comes to mind is Jupiter Sunrise's new song "Why'd I wait so long?" I wish they'd hurry and release their new stuff because it's awesome and that song would be really great to listen to right now. I'm depending on music to speak for me here, but the song isn't released yet. They only playesd it live for the first time last night at the concert (which rocked, by the way). Still, even if I had the lyrics it would be quite helpful. Bah!

My goodness, why does life suck so bad right now?

The fact is, I've come to the realization that a lot of things need to change. After Finals next week, I have no choice but to start being happy with my life. I've hit the point where I realize that people don't change and never will, so you have either be willing to adapt or not. I feel I've been bending too far though. You can only bend so far until you break. Over the years I've been bending and losing little pieces of me to where I'm not even Elizabeth anymore. It's horrible when even your friends call you out on it and you know they're right.

The two people who care for me the most have really been teaching em some things lately.

There have been a lot of future plans that I have changed within the past few weeks. I had a plan, but it depended on something I thought might happen but doesn't look so promising anymore. Man, I liked that plan... it was beautiful.

Oh well. So now I'm just looking for a way out. One road straight out of San Angelo. I'm going to apply for every internship or job I can find that corresponds with my department. I'll take anything: magazine, newspaper, televison, radio... anything! My ambition has been hybernating the past 2 years and it's about to break out into ludicrous speed. I've got a Band scholarship interview/try out coming up this week and I'm gonna get it because I'm miss positive attitude!

I've pretty much figured I'm no longer a part of anyone elses future so it's only me on my own. God, please help me to see what you've got planned for me!

For some reason my life has come completely full cirlce and I feel this same way again, just 2 years later. Amazing how history repeats itself.

What happens when you hit the point where you really don't want to try to fix things anymore? Where do you go from the point when you realize things don't change, nor should they.